Sorry for the lack of running this blog. I suppose we all sort of just, got caught up with our lives now. Or at least, I know I have. I’m sure everyone else has, too. Even our Facebook Group Chat isn’t as lively as it used to be (not that I was ever really a chatty one in it).
Anywho, I thought I’d come back to write a little bit since I just had yet another follow-up call with Justin.
Honestly? I feel bad kind of admitting this, but I don’t think Camp MORE really opened me up as much as they believed they did. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand all the exercises and everything we’ve gone through, but I don’t think Camp MORE was my main source of initial growth. I’ve always been growing. I’ve always attended leadership camps in hopes of me becoming more outgoing. Camp MORE was another one of those opportunities, this time, just centered around more on the arts and an individual’s creative side.
Now, I’m not saying Camp MORE doesn’t help you grow. It’s definitely a part of my growth. But at the same time, when I look back at my experience, it just feels like another one of those camps I’ve been to, just... Different people. Justin talked to me about my growth and how proud I should be that I’m more outgoing and less anti-social and all, but I couldn’t really help but shrug off the praise. It’s something like... Yes, I grew, and yes I changed, but... It’s life. I don’t really see a point of being proud of myself, I’m just happy being me. It’s not like I ever really hated how I was, it’s more like, I like every new me that comes along.
Since Camp MORE, like I’ve said in my last update post, I’ve gone through high school shit. Drama, graduation, clubs, team... It was really through all of that where I truly threw myself out there and did what I had to do.
Now, I’m my first year of college. I’ve survived first semester somehow (I even made it on the Dean’s Honor list with my grades, to my surprise). I’ve joined clubs, I’ve become closer to my closest friends, I’ve made so many new friends, I’ve become so much more open to talking to people... Hell, I’ve been in a relationship for about... 7, 8 months now (something I never would’ve guessed to happen in my first year of college).
What I’m saying is, in my last update post, I feel like I said things because I didn’t want to sound ungrateful to the camp and the counselors and mentors and the experience. I said “Camp MORE truly unlocked my skills” and I think I might have over sold that a bit for my personal experience. It’s just definitely given me new perspectives on things, mostly myself of course.
When Justin mentioned the documentary, I thought back to the me at that camp two years ago and the message I wanted to convey... And honestly, I kind of wish I had something else to say, or at least I wish I was more knowledgeable about myself at the time because from what I can remember, I don’t think I really got a message across. I just remember my tears when talking about my family and my terrible explanation of my lack of social skills and self-doubt.
I’m somewhat disappointed in myself, but at the same time, it really couldn’t be helped. Different me from a different time with a different struggle. It’s understandable. I guess I see it like that because I’m going through new struggles now, and what I went through back then doesn’t seem so terrifying anymore. I also feel disappointed in myself because, even though the documentary was supposed to be natural, and I’d say about 80% of the time at camp, I wasn’t minding the cameras, the fact that we were being documented definitely affected who I was at camp. When I look back, I do feel like I was acting a little bit for the camera. My role? Troubled child with no social skills. I feel like I only skimmed the surface of that issue within myself and I never really got too deep with what I was really going through at the time. So, sometimes, I can’t help but feel I wasn’t 100% genuine, and that makes me feel a little guilty sometimes.
Wow, where did this update even go? I ended up ranting a little too much, haha. My bad.
I do want to end this update with saying that Camp MORE had a different affect on all 17 of us. It gave some of us a much needed family away from home, it gave some of us a support system we never had, it gave some of us encouragement to do great things... Just because I feel how I feel about Camp MORE doesn’t give it an less value. It’s still an amazing cause with an amazing message and an amazing mentor group. Don’t let me persuade you in anyway that this camp is not doing it’s job or is an overly amazing dream.
You just gotta experience it for yourself, and hopefully in the future, you’ll be able to.
