Curt Mega's Candle Project Week 5: Forgiveness
I've been sitting by my laptop for almost half an hour trying to think what to write. I have been hurt so many times, whether it be about anti Semitism or silly fights with friends or family. Then I thought of something. Something that I happened to me that I haven't been able to forgive for almost 3 years. I'm going to try and word this correctly because this is such a hard story for me to write, and yes by the end of it you might be thinking why on earth should I even attempt to forgive this girl, but as Curt says, if I want to start healing, I need to start forgiving.
About 3 years ago, one of my best friends lied about having Cancer. When she was younger she had a lump which was removed quickly and easily, but then they were worried it came back so they went in for a check up. She came out saying she had Cancer again. She didn't. The doctor had said she was all clear. She failed to mention that part of the conversation to us.
I didn't have many friends when I was in year 10 (3 years ago) and she was the only one I really trusted and spoke to freely so you can imagine how distraught I was at the thought of losing her. This went on for months, us thinking she had Cancer. Her story was spiralling out of control. Every day she told a new lie. It was getting worse, it was getting better, the doctor had messed things up.
I can't decide whether or not the next thing I'm going to write is worse then when she lied about Cancer. I really don't know.
Anyway one day we were having lunch on the school field and all of a sudden she puts the phone to her ear and starts talking into it. We immediately assumed that her phone had been on silent or something and that's why we hadn't heard it. We hadn't realised that actually there was no phone call. It was all a pretence. So speaking into her phone she started getting really crazy, shouting at the person to leave her alone and she started crying and everything. We were so confused by what was happening. She hung up the phone and naturally we asked her what was wrong.
I feel sickened by what she lied about next. She told us that her doctor was stalking her and had threatened to rape her. The next few months went by, more hysterical phone calls, we always made sure someone was with her at all times. When we'd be walking with her she'd pretend she thought she saw him and go all hysterical and we just didn't know what to do.
I don't know how we found out it was all a lie, I think one of our other friends found out, but when I found out I was in shock. I couldn't believe that someone could lie like that. Cancer and threatened rape is something real and horrific, and for someone to lie about that is disgusting. Back then I was too much of a coward to confront her, but the next two years I allowed us to drift apart. I found new friends, better friends. Last year I barely even spoke to her.
Now I'm in year 13, my last year of school. I'm a bit friendly with her. Mostly because her boyfriend is cousins with my cousins boyfriend. Though I talk to her like normal, in my head its always there. I always remember her lies. So whilst I have a perfectly friendly conversation with her, in my head all I hear is 'liar, liar, liar'
Reading this weeks Candle Project I realise that no matter how much she hurt me, its time for me to move on. Forgive and forget. If I don't there will always be that little feeling of regret and I refuse to live with a feeling like that. The thing is, I don't know how. I don't know how to forgive her and it is killing me that I don't know, because I have been trying so hard with Curt's candle project and I can't seem to do this last one. But I'm still trying. I'm not going to give up.
Curt, if your reading this, please don't think I'm not trying. I'm trying so hard. I'm focusing all of my energy on this. It's just going to take time and I would really appreciate some advice on this, because I don't know how to do it myself.
If there's one thing I've learnt from Curt's candle project, is that I need to be the candle. I need to be the one that lights up the world. Not the one that puts out the flame with jealously, hatred and inability to forgive and forget.