I feel like I'm faking my own memories.
Like they didn't happen. I talk with a friend about "character pairings" (one of which being someone I kin) and everything falls into place a little too perfectly, makes too much sense ... and suddenly I'm remembering it like I was truly there. Am I remembering my already existing memories, or just discovering a new canon? Fuck if I know.
And it's always the same guy, too. The same partner. The same best friend - at least, as of late it has been. Six canons or so, I think? Don't know. To me, that feels like some textbook sign that I can't possibly be remembering things right. My own infatuation must obviously be clouding my memories. Clearly.
And I can't really ... talk about this with anyone. I'd go to my partner, who kins the character, but it recently expressed it felt hurt by my constant longing for him - and I just .. I can't. I don't want to hurt it. That's entirely my fault, I need to tone it down, but I can't .. help it. It hurts. I miss him.
It's not fair to my partner. It's not fair at all. I need to learn to put the past in the past and focus on what I'm living now, to forget about him and just move on. But it's so difficult. It feels like some chunk of me is just outright missing.
It doesn't help that I .. don't really have a best friend, anymore. Those who I would have called my "best friend" don't talk to me often enough, and it's painfully clear I'm no longer really a priority to them. At least, I don't feel like I am? Maybe they still care. Maybe not.
I have my girl, but she doesn't quite .. get it. Get me. She's not fictionkin, or plural, or anything like that. Maybe she's fictionhearted, but the way she feels her identity is just different enough to mine that we kind of .. lack that connection. I can't express things quite the same.
She understands and she accepts me, but she doesn't get it. I wish she did. Is that too much to ask for? I guess, because of that lack of connection now, it makes me miss him more - as a best friend, anyway.
I don't know. I feel like this is .. my fault. I can't just feel things normally, or remember things normally. I'm unhealthily attached to my past and my kin and I can't pretend like it doesn't matter to me anymore. It does. I'm lying and I know it.
I tell it that its shifts don't matter to me, that I love it regardless - and this is true - but sometimes, if we sync up, I feel a bit of the emptiness in my chest ease. I feel awful for that. I shouldn't feel that way, and I think it knows I do.
Sfoth, sorry. Not a place to vent my relationship issues, eh? I really need to communicate this all myself, but I'm not entirely sure .. how to yet. How do I even? Rhetorically, 'course.
I miss him. I hate that I do.
[#💚🍭]
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