I started writing last night, I was starting a letter like I used to. Everything open honesty everything spilled out, but now I have no way to reach you, but I saw it
"I loved you and you left me. You don't get to drag me up from your memory everytime you want someone to feel sorry for you. I would have married you I would have had kids with you like you said you wanted but you never gave me that chance. I loved you so fucking much and you didn't even stick around to stay freinds. So don't guilt trip me for moving on."
I saw that and theres so many things I need to say, I wish I ignored everyone and rang you, I’d rather the passion that I had than the silence, the crying, you to scream at me, anything, anything but what I’ve subjected myself to.
Do I write it regardless? I always thought you used to burn my letters but you told me you kept them. I wrote weekly for a year and you kept every one.
Would your mother see? She’d keep you away from me.
Would you cut the head from every flower if I sent them.
If I sat at the end of your road would you come, or would I make it worse like I always did, I never made a right move did I
Even now I’m making it harder, for you and for me.
Theres no one in the entire bloody world like you
No matter how fucking bad it got, from the new years you screamed how much you wanted you wanted to kill yourself, where you rang in front of the cars, you tried to run into the sea to drown, where you threw up on yourself, to the halloween party to thew so many laxatives and weightloss pills down your thoat and made yourself thow up over and over and told me how much you thought about the bleach, to the days where the black figure clouded everything you did. I fucking loved all of it, the bonfires to curb the days to rang me wanting to burn the house down sitting by the curtain flame alight, to the glass bottles I saved and stole so you could smash them all, to waking up in bed to you cutting yourself beside me, I fucking loved you through all of it,
I’m sorry I couldn’t help make you better
I’m sorry I couldnt come with you to uni
I’m sorry I got jellous when you got with someone else,
I’m sorry I couldn’t stop you sleeping with all those ment to try and feel the void where love should be and not pain and anger
I’m sorry I pushed you away too
And I’m sorry when things got hard for me I cut the people out who mattered the most, so, that meant you
I left myself with no one back then, no one but me
and I’m sorry if you felt rejected and alone
but you fucking know every letter I wrote you, that every single fucking day I’ve thought about you since we dated back in 2013, but you never wanted me back, and you never wanted my friendship more than once a month or two, you just didnt seem to care anymore but jesus christ you never could see that I was hurting too, that I always will be, weather we speak for the rest of our lives or not.
Ever person I’ve ever loved I will never be over you, and you were the first, the hardest, but the one I knew the most, so that will always hurt the most.
I feel if I move on and let you go that I loose you and I loose all the good memories too and I can’t do that. I will love again but there will always be a space and a mark made by you.
Like there will always be one Bryony made
There will always be one Marta made
but we’re human we will always love again
We went through so fucking much,
