#capable crew

[apocryphist]

a saga

My roommate Julia just now: where's that condom?

Other roommate Isaac: ...um?

[julia holds up a wiimote sleeve]

Julia: you know, the condom! I mean, wait, the thing that goes IN this condom!

[I make some kind of extremely sophisticated visual gag representing a penis]

Julia: NOT THAT THING!

Isaac, who is across the room and can't see this: UM?

Julia: NO, THE OTHER THING THAT GOES IN THE CONDOM! THE WII!

Isaac: UMMMM??

[I continue to be spectacularly unhelpful]

Julia: DAMN IT WILL HELP ME FIND THE BLACK WII TO PUT IN THIS CONDOM I MEAN ASDFDG THE WIIMOTE HOLY FUCK KSGSSHDF STOP LAUGHING YOU LITTLE SHIT

[apocryphist]

so my roommate Sam walks in through the door and

Isaac: hey, I don't know if there's any pizza left, but you're welcome to have some.

Sam: No thanks, I already ate.

Isaac: well why don't you just take my heart outside and throw it off the balcony and scrape it off the street and put it in a trash bag and put that bag in the dumpster and then wait for the trash guys to pick it up on Tuesday? Why don't you just do that, Sam.

[normal-ghost]

Me: Are you gaslighting me, you son of a bitch?

Isaac: I have no idea what you're talking about. You must be imagining things. I don't even know what gaslighting is......

[apocryphist]

Will, we can't talk about Spider-Man tonight. I have work in the morning.

Sam, being realistic about our tendency to casually bring up Spider-Man and then talk for three hours

[apocryphist]

our apartment doesn’t even have a kitchen. it has an often-repurposed quesadilla lane

[apocryphist]

talic the enchilada

Julia

[apocryphist]

I remember the last time I ate at Taco Bell. It was 4am, and it was the only place we could find that was open. I got a burrito, but I only had 2 dollars so all it had was beans. And to this day, I have never seen something that looked so much like a piece of shit wrapped in toilet paper.

Sam

[apocryphist]

Transformers: it isn't gay if you're a truck

Sam