He just can’t… can’t believe he hurt his best friend….his soulmate...his fucking husband of all things. He had beat him, shot him, fuck he had almost killed Steve and the dumb fool was going to let him. He left him on that bank knowing he would be ok….Bucky….he just needed time to process….everything.
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It’s been weeks…...he’s left little post it notes at Steve’s place, yes he knows where he lives. He wanted to make sure his blonde knew he was ok, but just needed some time to….well re learn how to be human again really and not a killing machine. It was a battle most days trying to find the balance of old Bucky and new Bucky.
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It’s been 3 months, he mails little letters to Steve with no return address. Sometimes he even likes watching Steve from across the street up on the roof as he reads them. A good deal of the time his poor Stevie is crying when he reads the letters, but he always kisses it when he’s done reading it and folds it away with the others in his bedroom.
Other times when he reads he looks like he is ready to punch the world and then some. Sometimes there is so much anger behind those beautiful blue eyes and his heart...flutters seeing it….knowing Steve would still do anything to protect him like how he used to protect Steve.
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It’s been 5 months and he thinks his little apartment while not the best place is good enough….sure he’s not paying for the place, it’s run down and forgotten, but the water for some odd reason works, even if it is cold, he’ll still take it. He takes sponge baths because he can’t bare the thought of even looking at his arm still. He fucking hates it with a passion.
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It’s been 6 months and he finally tries to take care of his arm, but he still hates the thing, maybe he always will, it reminds him to harshly of what he lost. Maybe it will get better with time, he has no clue he is just taking it one day at a time. He still writes letters to Steve, only now he puts his return address on it, he knows he can trust Steve to not rat him out. That much he remembers, he can always trust Steve.
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Steve writes him back and it’s a 10 page letter, he shouldn’t be surprised. Both sides are filled with so many words and he spends a good chunk of time rereading the damn thing until he’s the one in tears. His poor Stevie still carried SO MUCH guilt, it was just eating away at him, even if he was good at hiding it from his team, he was clearly still hurting and trying to shoulder everything on his own. Bucky growls at that thought. He gets his pen and paper and writes back.
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It’s been 9 months and they write almost everyday, it helps that they are both in New York and Steve has been amazing with giving him the space and time to try and work through SOME of his shit. He knows Steve can’t be his fix all, but Steve can and will be soon his shoulder to lean on and cry on if need be.
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It’s been alittle over a year since Bucky left Steve on that river bank. Bucky now has a box full of all of Steve’s letters and Steve has saved all of Bucky’s as well. They are finally meeting and it seems fitting that it would be on Christmas Eve.
Bucky knows he could look alittle better, but again, barely any money. He does put his long hair up in a bun of sorts though to make it look less like a rats nest. His jacket goes on last and looking down at himself he feels more like a grungy biker, but whatever.
They decide to meet at a old place that was still around during the war. A small outdoor square, this time of year it’s filled with lights a christmas tree. This time of night no one is around and the air is freezing, but when he turns around and sees Steve standing there watching him in much the same way...it all just fades away to background noise.
He remembers enough of when this man was small and full of fire and justice, he had loved him so so much, he loved his small frame and tiny hips and beautiful skin. But now the outside matched the inside, all big and ready to take on the world, to care for and protect those that needed it. Yeah his heart didn’t care if Steve was skinny or big, he was just….Steve and that….is all that mattered.
The first few steps are hard, but once his feet start moving he can’t stop and soon enough he has arm fulls of beautiful blonde and blue eyes. He can feel the tight grip on the back of his jacket, Steve’s hands are shaking slightly and his breath is hot on his neck where he has buried his face, but he feels like home. “Bucky.”
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The slow walk back to the tower is...nice. It lightly snows, just enough to dust their hair with it. By the time they get back to Steve’s place and get to his floor their hair is pretty wet and they decide a shower is much needed. It’s like somethings have not changed, back before the war they would share showers to save on water even after it had turned into something more….they still shared those showers.
Now though, this shower was huge and had the best smelling shampoo Bucky had ever smelled. “Can I wash your hair Buck?”
Looking over his shoulder at the blonde he offers a tiny smile and nods, “Sure doll.”
The old nickname rolling off his tongue like it never left and Steve's smile grows hearing it again. He ends up washing Bucky’s hair twice because Bucky ask for it and he ask for so little now. Once he’s covered in all of Steve’s best smelling stuff and super clean they step out and dry off. Steve quietly dots on Bucky hoping the other won't really notice to much, but of course he does.
And Bucky….has come to learn...it’s ok to let someone do that for him, even if he’s only ok with that being just Steve right now, he knows it’s a step in the right direction and with that thought in mind, “Stevie.”
“Yeah Buck?” The blonde ask setting down a hot cup of tea in front of him.
“Your done shouldering everything on your own.” Bucky states turning to him fully on the couch in just a simple pair of sleep pants.
He holds up a hand when Steve frowns and goes to offer his normal ‘i’m fine’ line.
“If it’s ok for me to reach out for help then it is for you too AND if you so much as compare what's happened to us one more time I will throw you out that window.”
Bucky’s tone is as serious as he can manage, he just can’t stress this enough and he was done with Steve acting like he didn’t have it as bad as Bucky had...like it was a fucking contest or something. Trauma was trauma simple as that.
Steve snaps his mouth shut and frowns, Bucky can just see him fighting with himself and he gives him plenty of time, by picking up his mug and sipping his tea while he waits for Steve to agree. He has to if this is going to work in the long run, they both had shit to deal with and shoving it deep down wasn’t going to do anyone any good.
“Fine.” Steve’s words are so quiet, Bucky has to lean in to hear them, but he does and he smiles putting down his mug and taking the blondes hands in his own before raising them to his lips and kissing over the battle worn knuckles, even if it doesn’t show, Bucky knows what these hands have been through. “Thank you.”
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It’s a year and half after Bucky left Steve by that river that they decide they need a dog and not just any dog, but a service dog. They get matched with one easy enough and it’s amazing how the sweet german shepherd integrates herself into their day to day life perfectly.
When Bucky is having a panic attack she is there even before Steve nosing at him where she can and pawing him to help ground him. If Steve wakes from a nightmare she is there to lick his tears away and noses the side of his face all before Bucky even wakes.
She is a angel and she is theirs, and her name is Holly.
Merry Christmas @bangyababy I was your capsecretsanta this year <3
