Sinead Starling (basically canonically trans, and everybody knows she's a lesbian I mean come on)
Amy Cahill (disaster bisexual, her friendship with Sinead was NOT platonic + her evil taste in men (minus Evan rip))
Jonah Wizard and Cara Pierce (bisexual, based purely off of vibes and no evidence)
Ian Kabra (straight, but I swear to god there could be something there with him and Jonah. please listen to me I swear I'm not crazy. they're taking me away you believe me right)
Political affiliations of 39 Clues Characters by a Girl That's Too into Politics and Too Online
Going off of vibes mainly but also some of them do show their whole ass in the series so they made it easy for me. *Cough* Ian *cough*
Disclaimer: I love everyone, I am roasting them lovingly. Except for JAKE.
Amy Cahill - Average white liberal girl. Pronouns in bio. Land acknowledgement at the start of every Cahill meeting. Always says "Listen to x voices." Unfortunately frequently dates men that are "politically neutral" 💔
Dan Cahill - Normie. Knows enough about politics to make memes about it (would really be into the current Kirkification jokes) but doesn't really know a lot about it and doesn't care to. It bums him out.
Ian Kabra - ... Oh boy.
Ian is complicated because he's smart enough to know better but he's literally a Tory rip. He's that annoying British person that (rightfully) criticizes America constantly but thinks Europe is somehow exempt from all those problems. Pulls out all the big words like "colonialism" and "imperialism" when talking about America but has definitely said at some point "we're not obsessed with race here like you guys are in America." *Insert "Does he know?" image* He will be joking all day about Donald Trump, has a field day when Charlie Kirk bites the bullet, but gets rage baited on Twitter (by Cara) about the Queen dying because "joking about that is SO disrespectful." Inshallah he gets class consciousness soon because he could be suchhhh a good champagne socialist. Cara do something.
Natalie Kabra - Low key feel like she might get into the divine feminine thing. Like she's already so snobby and ridiculous (loving) I can totally see her saying shit like "I don’t chase, I attract" "I don't grind, I align" "holding space" and shit about Mercury retrograde causing Ian to be in his feminine energy or something. Always talking about seeking a high value man as if she's not literally the most high femme lesbian ever.
Jonah Wizard - Jonah WILL be the next 2Pac. He clearly is not the shallow artist that he used to be and that everyone thinks he is. He genuinely cares about people and art. I can very much see him be vocally socialist and incorporate leftist themes and iconography in his music. Black Panthers themed song and music video by Jonah Wizard when?
Hamilton Holt - Wholesome gym bro leftist. Making TikToks on how to get shredded to protect vulnerable people at protests. Physically fights counter protesters.
Jake Rosenbloom - most obnoxious liberal man you've ever met. Epitome of the performative man reading feminist literature and drinking matcha. Has a "Met God, She's Black" T-shirt. Always talks about the importance of "listening to x voices" and then immediately speaks over said marginalized voices. Low key like Hasan. Omg wait this is literally him
Cara Pierce - Demsoc that could transform into actual socialist. Dealing with her father - the epitome of corrupt American politics, capitalism, and imperialism - radicalized her. Loves Zohran Mamdani and was low key a Bernie bro. She definitely reads a lot of political history books and theory. Leans a little bit too much on the side of "theory bro" or "philosophy bro" just arguing semantics and playing devil's advocate on Reddit (hashtag women in men's fields) but eventually she will go outside and do something though, I'm sure of it, and that's when Ian is gonna get bullied into stopping his nonsense once and for all.
Sinead Starling - biased perhaps (hashtag Sineamy) but she is genuinely such a lesbian feminist to me. Her main priority is feminism, all her politics stem from what will lead to women's liberation.
Nellie Gomez - An anarchist, always talks about how punk is political and she lives that shit. She has blue hair and pronouns and a septum piercing, she WILL firebomb a Walmart.
Alistair Oh - he's just a capitalist tbqh. Whatever sells his microwaveable burritos. Really into the stock market.
Irina Spasky - COMRADE AND CANON I ❤️ MY TANKIE DIVA
Anyways that's it, hope you enjoyed or it made you frown and click away.
In which Amy has terrible taste in men, and Ian takes it upon himself to stage an intervention. Post-Unstobbable, set in late 2016 so Amy, Ian, and Cara are all 22. Amy and Ian are best friends (as it should be.)
Trigger warning: Jake Rosenbloom is mentioned (I don’t think there’s anything super triggering in it, but there is swearing, and politics does come up, specifically the 2016 election. There’s also stereotypes about American people (from Ian) and stereotypes about British people (from Amy, in response to Ian stereotyping the US.)
Ian gave her a pointed look. “No time for small talk. This is an intervention.”
Amy sighed. “I take it Dan called you.”
“Never mind how I got the information. You promised me that I could vet any and all potential suitors, weed out the riff raff so to speak.”
“That was before you pulled a gun on my last date.”
“How else was I supposed to conduct an interrogation? And besides, it was Natalie’s, from when she was eleven; the worst poison in it was only capable of knocking a person out for a few hours. If that Jeremiah -”
“Jeremy.” Amy corrected.
“- if Jeremy was actually scared of my baby sister’s poison dart gun then you dodged a metaphorical bullet.”
“I never agreed to let you interrogate him. I promised that I would go on a double date with you and Cara and that you could tell me what you thought of him afterwards. That was it.”
Ian considered this. “Okay. Admittedly, I may have gone too far there, but in my defense, you needed the help.”
“Hanging up now.”
“Your taste in men is worse than Sidney Prescott’s and Veronica Sawyer’s. Combined.”
Amy’s finger hovered over the ‘end call’ button. “…you’ve seen Scream? And Heathers?”
“It was Cara’s turn to pick the movie. That’s not the point.”
“And what, pray tell, is the point?”
“The point is that you’re my best friend and I don’t want to see you get hurt again. Look, you won’t let me meet him, that’s fine. But at least let me vet him. Do a background check, you know. Make sure he’s not a serial killer.”
Amy softened. “I appreciate your concern, but I can take care of myself.”
“Is he on CliqueMe?” Ian pressed.
“Everyone under the age of thirty is on CliqueMe.”
“Send me his profile.”
“I’m not sending you his profile.”
“You know Cara can find it in like five minutes, right? And if she can’t, I have multiple Lucian agents on speed dial who can.”
Amy rolled her eyes. “Fine. But it’s unnecessary.”
“Not with your track record it’s not.”
A few seconds later there was a ping on Ian’s phone. New text message from Amy Cahill.
Almost as soon as the page loaded, he scoffed. “His profile picture is the American flag.”
“So he’s patriotic. Nothing wrong with that.”
“There’s a difference between patriotism and nationalism and I would bet what little money I still have -”
“You’re a multimillionaire.”
“- that he’s the latter. And even if he actually is just overly patriotic, no one should be that proud of your country. The US is just England’s bastard, misshapen child.”
“So you wouldn’t judge him if his profile picture was the English flag?”
“No.”
“Now who’s nationalistic.”
“That’s different. England actually is better than the US. Our citizens have free healthcare and gun control and can actually make a decent cup of tea instead of whatever that diet Snapple is. Your citizens just decided to give the presidency to a man who can’t match his foundation to his skin tone, let alone run a country. I told you the Americans were too stupid to make a decent decision. I wish I had thought of rigging the election. I know it goes against democracy and whatnot but I don’t want to have to save the world again. It’s only been five years since Pierce. And admittedly that worked out for me, meeting my fiancée and all. But I don’t want to do it again. Being head of the Lucians while attending Oxford is hard enough. If I have to deal with another crisis on top of that, my hair is going to turn gray or fall out or -”
“Ian.”
“Yes?”
“You’re rambling.”
“Right. Sorry. Let me look at the rest of his page.”
“And you’re wrong.”
“Pardon?”
“About England being better than the US. The US definitely has its problems, but at least we have fresh air here. Last time I visited you in London, I don’t think I saw the sun once through the smog.”
“I breathed your supposed fresh air once on a mission with Sinead. And I hope that I never have the misfortune of breathing it again.”
“At least Americans know what a dentist is.”
“At least the English have culture, all you have is Wal-Mart.”
“If you have so much culture then how come the British Museum doesn’t have anything British in it? It’s all just artifacts you stole from other countries.”
“Point taken.” He paused, then added. “Your taste in men is still deplorable though; his profile says he’s majoring in political science, that’s a red flag in and of itself.”
“You’re majoring in Philosophy, Politics, and Economics, Ian.”
“That’s different. Anyway, on the political beliefs section of his profile, it says he’s ‘moderate.’”
“And?”
“‘Moderate’ is what people put on their profiles when their political beliefs are heinous.”
“Or it means his political beliefs are somewhere in the middle, not left or right.”
“Oh please. You know that’s not -”
“Ian?” Came Cara’s voice from offscreen.
“Over here!” He called.
Cara appeared behind him. “What are you doing?”
“Staging an intervention. Amy’s gone on one too many dates with a man that’s probably going to be sentenced for crimes against humanity whenever the second Nuremberg Trials end up happening.”
Amy rolled her eyes. “All this from ‘moderate’? You’re so overdramatic. Are you sure you’re not a Janus?”
Ian ignored her and kept scrolling.
“Is he on CliqueMe?” Cara asked.
“I’ll forward you his profile.” Ian said.
“Can we change the subject? I’ve only been on, like, three dates with the guy.”
“And I’d like to make sure there’s not a fourth.”
“Cara, can you please tell him to mind his own business?”
Cara looked up from her phone. “Well his profile just loaded, but so far I’m on Ian’s side. His name is John and everyone knows that the majority of men whose names start with the letter ‘J’ are just a step below the anti-Christ. And that goes double for four-letter ‘J’ names. Think Josh, Jack -”
“Where are you getting this?”
“It’s science, Amy. Plain and simple science.”
“Send me one peer-reviewed study that says that.”
Cara ignored her and continued scrolling.
Ian, on the other hand, felt the need to put his two cents in. Even though Amy had definitely not asked. “I can try and find you one, but you have to admit that the circumstantial evidence is damning enough without it. What with Jake Rosenbloom’s existence and all.”
“Okay. Admittedly getting back together with Jake for a third time was a mistake.”
“Fifth time.” Ian corrected.
Amy had the sudden urge to hop on a plane to London, break into his mansion, and replace his entire wardrobe with the ugliest t-shirts and shorts she could find at Dollar General. “Weren’t you the one who said, and I quote, ‘Don’t get back together with Jake this time, I would rather you date a Vesper or the literal devil than ever have to see you with him again.’”
“That wasn’t a challenge, Amy,” then he turned to address Cara. “Could you please get the medical dictionary. I need to look up ‘aneurysm’ to see if I just had one.”
“Did you just quote Gilmore Girls?” Amy asked.
“What? No.”
“You did. Emily Gilmore says that in season one, after Lorelai tells her that she’s going to a wake for her neighbor’s cat. I knew you liked it.”
“It has its moments.”
“You liked it. How far are you?”
“I didn’t like it. I haven’t watched it since our last movie night.”
“Ian.” Amy prodded.
“Fine. I’m on season five and I’m about ready to strangle Rory. One man says she’s not a good writer and so she steals a boat and drops out of an Ivy League school to live in her grandparents’ pool house? I’m not watching it anymore, I can’t stomach it.”
“You binged it for eight hours last night.” Cara said, without looking up. “You booked us a trip to Connecticut to stay at the inn that inspired it. You’re obsessed.”
“Changing the subject.”
“Text me what you think of the rest of the series.” Amy added.
“Changing the subject.”
Cara obliged, commenting once again on John’s CliqueMe profile. “Half his photos are group photos and then the handful of pictures he has of himself are all… weird. He’s always got something blocking his face. Sunglasses. Hat. Wait. Okay, here’s some more....” She stared at the photos for a moment, like she couldn’t quite process whatever she was seeing. Then she gave Amy a look that was somewhere between disgust and pity. “Amy. Be so fucking for real right now.”
“What?”
Cara held her phone up to the screen. It was, admittedly, a very unflattering photo. The lighting was terrible, which accentuated the shadows around his eyes, making him look like a demonic raccoon. And he was pulling a face that could’ve been in the dictionary next to the word ‘obnoxious.’
“That’s just a bad picture.” Amy defended.
“They’re all this bad.” Cara said, bringing up picture after picture after picture.
“The J name curse strikes again.” Ian added, still scrolling through the profile. Then he stopped. “My god. He’s a conspiracy theorist. He has a whole, novel length, barely coherent post about how Anastasia Romanov must’ve survived the attack on her family and another, longer one, about how every significant current or historical figure is a member of a secret group known as the Illuminati and that they shape the course of civilization. He’s… what do you Americans say? A whack job.”
“…Anastasia Romanov did survive the attack on her family. Her daughter, Nataliya, helped us on the clue hunt. And the Illuminati? Our family basically is the Illuminati. So he’s technically right.”
Ian hadn’t considered that. “But he has no logical reason to suspect any of it, and no evidence to support his claims. It was a lucky guess. It doesn’t make him a catch.”
Amy sighed. “Look. I’ve already been on a few dates with him and he seems nice. I’m going to go out with him again; maybe something will come of it, maybe it won’t. But that’s okay. And I appreciate your concern, but I can take care of myself. Okay?”
“Fine.” Ian conceded. “Are we still on for movie night next week?”
“Yeah. Whose turn is it to pick what we watch?”
“I think it’s yours.”
“Okay. I’ll see you then.”
“See you then. And be sure to let me know if he gives you any trouble, I have no qualms about threatening another one of your potential suitors with Natalie’s poison dart gun.”
Amy laughed. “Thanks. I’ll let you know.”
“And Amy?”
“Yeah?”
“So help me God, if you forget to pick up the charcuterie board for movie night -”
“I’ll pick one up, but only if you remember to return my copy of Little Women. You’ve had it for like six months.”
Sinead Starling is my terrible trash daughter and I wish she was in the books more. She and Cara are literally first cousins and they’ve never met????
I feel like they wouldn’t be able to stand each other, but they keep it to themselves for Amy’s sake. If they started fighting, Amy would have an actual panic attack and no one wants that.
Ian Kabra, with a rose between his lips, throwing glitter around, dressed in evening wear during the day, draping himself across a piano: I have no idea what you're talking about.
