#carly bitching

[y-l-r-a-c]

im honestly so sick of my roommate and our friends and i cant fucking handle it at this point anymore. they make me want to cry and i cant because i have friends here from home and it makes me want to cry even more because its stressing me out so much and on top of all the school work i havent done yet, i just cant even handle it. i literally want to fucking punch everyone in the face.

[y-l-r-a-c]

i made up with zoe and got the big i wanted all in one day wtf world thank you

[y-l-r-a-c]

Today Carly called me one of the strongest people she knows and it made me feel really good about myself. I'm worried I like her a little bit and she is so straight it's laughable. I'll get over it. She's too good of a friend most of the time to lose that way.

[y-l-r-a-c]

my mom has skin cancer. and yes its a mild form and yes she keeps telling me she will probably be fine but like how am i supposed to believe that if shes going to treatment multiple times a week. like i dont know what to say to her, especially when she first told me. and then she was okay but now she is getting treatment again and she brings it up so nonchalantly and i cant deal with it. we arent even close and honestly she pisses me off the majority of the time but like shes my mom. i dont have a dad or any other really close family (like i have close family but not like that i see really often or anything). i need my mom.

[openly--anonymous]

we put poison into our own bodies because we like to play a little game with death. we like to test the waters, see how it would feel. and sometimes the extra step doesn’t feel that big but we cross the line and need to be pulled back over the line into reality. but if we were willing to step over the line in the first place, do we really need help? do we really want help?

[y-l-r-a-c]

break was like basically good but i have some quick thoughts:

basically i cant handle sierra. like we were both at the party, i half smiled, like i wasnt going to go up and talk to her but like i wanted to acknowledge her so it wouldnt be so awkward and she literally turned away but then the rest of the night whenever i would look over, she would already be looking and when we made eye contact she would start making out with chloe. what the actual fuck though like even when we were dating we had talked about how it would be weird to make out in front of all of our friends and like now its okay to make out when drunk like it just pissed me off in every single aspect. no one wants to see that and like i understand you are dating someone else, there is literally no need to shove it in my face. and theyre going to sierras moms house together for the first half of winter break and all i can think it how jealous i am but like why should i be, its literally not my place to be jealous like i fully understand that we are not together and at this point i dont even think i want to be with her but that doesnt mean im okay with her being with anyone else either. but she has been for like six months now because we broke up six fucking months. it just sucks. like i want to be over her and i literally need to be but like im basically still not. so fml.

okay next complaint: my “accepting” grandmother. she went out of her way when she found out about me and sierra to tell me that she loves me no matter what and like it was cool with her and i get that sounds kind of weird of her to say but like that is her style of doing things and i was really happy she said it. but like this year she invited my cousins girlfriend to our family hanukah party. they are a year older than me and straight but like they havent been dating that long and she lives in stl so its not like she had no where else to go at that time or anything. but last year when i had been dating sierra for like a year, she wasnt invited to the hanukah party. and like it is my grandmother, not even his real grandmother. and it makes me so fucking mad and i get that she like maybe just didnt even think of inviting her last year but like it is her style to be really accepting and inviting and so it just really pissed me off because like last year i hadnt even thought twice about sierra not being invited because boyfriends/girlfriends were never there but now like wtf ugh i am so mad and like shes the perfect grandma and i dont want to be mad at her.

[y-l-r-a-c]

she hasnt done anything and she hasnt even liked other peoples instas that have been posted for my birthday that like are posted by people she noramlly likes the photos of and it just pisses me off and since i texted her she hasnt been viewing my stories and i havent seen any new ones of hers so im pretty sure she blocked me on snapchat but like i could still send her something like her name still pops up and i dont know if thats like what happens when someone blocks you or what and i cant like test it by sending her one because like no not okay. ugh i hate that she wont just like let us be like friendly, we dont have to text every day or like even every week but even just like being able to check in with her like once a month would make me feel a lot better. ugh i hate this and i hate myself for not valuing my relationship and how special that was.

[y-l-r-a-c]

i just really want sierra to reach out for my birthday, i know shes treating me like shit right now for not talking but i started it and i was the problem and i have grown up and i miss her and i wish we had ended on a better note because i want to be able to talk to her and i hate that i tried to text and she responded by saying that she doesnt want further contact and i cant handle that, i just want her back in my life. i miss her and i cant fucking move on because i dont want to move on. she was so fucking good for me and we were good for each other most of the time and i fucking took all of that for granted and i hate myself.