thinking through life, scraping the surface

[y-l-r-a-c]

im honestly so sick of my roommate and our friends and i cant fucking handle it at this point anymore. they make me want to cry and i cant because i have friends here from home and it makes me want to cry even more because its stressing me out so much and on top of all the school work i havent done yet, i just cant even handle it. i literally want to fucking punch everyone in the face.

[y-l-r-a-c]

i made up with zoe and got the big i wanted all in one day wtf world thank you

[y-l-r-a-c]

Today Carly called me one of the strongest people she knows and it made me feel really good about myself. I'm worried I like her a little bit and she is so straight it's laughable. I'll get over it. She's too good of a friend most of the time to lose that way.

[openly--anonymous]

the hardest feeling is knowing someone loves the person you love the same deep and true and complete way you used to love them

[y-l-r-a-c]

my mom has skin cancer. and yes its a mild form and yes she keeps telling me she will probably be fine but like how am i supposed to believe that if shes going to treatment multiple times a week. like i dont know what to say to her, especially when she first told me. and then she was okay but now she is getting treatment again and she brings it up so nonchalantly and i cant deal with it. we arent even close and honestly she pisses me off the majority of the time but like shes my mom. i dont have a dad or any other really close family (like i have close family but not like that i see really often or anything). i need my mom.

[y-l-r-a-c]

break was like basically good but i have some quick thoughts:

basically i cant handle sierra. like we were both at the party, i half smiled, like i wasnt going to go up and talk to her but like i wanted to acknowledge her so it wouldnt be so awkward and she literally turned away but then the rest of the night whenever i would look over, she would already be looking and when we made eye contact she would start making out with chloe. what the actual fuck though like even when we were dating we had talked about how it would be weird to make out in front of all of our friends and like now its okay to make out when drunk like it just pissed me off in every single aspect. no one wants to see that and like i understand you are dating someone else, there is literally no need to shove it in my face. and theyre going to sierras moms house together for the first half of winter break and all i can think it how jealous i am but like why should i be, its literally not my place to be jealous like i fully understand that we are not together and at this point i dont even think i want to be with her but that doesnt mean im okay with her being with anyone else either. but she has been for like six months now because we broke up six fucking months. it just sucks. like i want to be over her and i literally need to be but like im basically still not. so fml.

okay next complaint: my “accepting” grandmother. she went out of her way when she found out about me and sierra to tell me that she loves me no matter what and like it was cool with her and i get that sounds kind of weird of her to say but like that is her style of doing things and i was really happy she said it. but like this year she invited my cousins girlfriend to our family hanukah party. they are a year older than me and straight but like they havent been dating that long and she lives in stl so its not like she had no where else to go at that time or anything. but last year when i had been dating sierra for like a year, she wasnt invited to the hanukah party. and like it is my grandmother, not even his real grandmother. and it makes me so fucking mad and i get that she like maybe just didnt even think of inviting her last year but like it is her style to be really accepting and inviting and so it just really pissed me off because like last year i hadnt even thought twice about sierra not being invited because boyfriends/girlfriends were never there but now like wtf ugh i am so mad and like shes the perfect grandma and i dont want to be mad at her.

[y-l-r-a-c]

she hasnt done anything and she hasnt even liked other peoples instas that have been posted for my birthday that like are posted by people she noramlly likes the photos of and it just pisses me off and since i texted her she hasnt been viewing my stories and i havent seen any new ones of hers so im pretty sure she blocked me on snapchat but like i could still send her something like her name still pops up and i dont know if thats like what happens when someone blocks you or what and i cant like test it by sending her one because like no not okay. ugh i hate that she wont just like let us be like friendly, we dont have to text every day or like even every week but even just like being able to check in with her like once a month would make me feel a lot better. ugh i hate this and i hate myself for not valuing my relationship and how special that was.

[y-l-r-a-c]

i just really want sierra to reach out for my birthday, i know shes treating me like shit right now for not talking but i started it and i was the problem and i have grown up and i miss her and i wish we had ended on a better note because i want to be able to talk to her and i hate that i tried to text and she responded by saying that she doesnt want further contact and i cant handle that, i just want her back in my life. i miss her and i cant fucking move on because i dont want to move on. she was so fucking good for me and we were good for each other most of the time and i fucking took all of that for granted and i hate myself.

[y-l-r-a-c]

basically ive gotten lazy but at least i try when i need to try

[y-l-r-a-c]

sorry its been a while. i dont really feel like finishing that other story but basically kaitlin was a dick in a group text to carly, carly went a walk, got really far away, called me to go get her, but i was drinking so elsa drove and we went to get her and then she like mentioned that her parents were considering flying her home for a few weeks which like freaked me out, i would miss her so fucking much, and yeah i cried to nancy about it after and freaked the fuck out because she scared me so badly. i dont want anything to happen and im worried about her. more later.

[y-l-r-a-c]

hey, i know we havent talked in a while and i know i hurt you but i miss you a lot. i wanted to know if there was any chance we could ever talk again?

[y-l-r-a-c]

okay so now i have a bit of time and im going to write about carly’s little break down over the weekend. im in her room right now (we are watching scream queens and she is doing her blog stuff) so idk how long i actually have but ill at least get a good start right now. so carly and kaitlin have been getting in a bunch of fights and its just super shitty. so im sure they starting out having a reason to fight but at the point that im going to talk about they were basically just annoyed at each other because they knew the other was annoyed at them. so dumb. okay so last bit of context is that some of this floor is a group chat and like i kind of wish i was in it but it honestly doesn’t bother me that much that i’m not like i have friends and im happy with where i am right now. but carly and kaitlin are both in. also kaitlin was sick like two weeks ago.

so carly got sick pretty soon after kaitlin got sick and thought kaitlin gave it to her but like we all live together and she wasnt mad at the fact. but kaitlin got super defensive and called carly out in their little group chat and was just an overall bitch to carly so carly decided to go on a walk and thats what she does to cool off so we didnt really think anything too much of it, so me and elsa continued bonding and playing with her makeup 

ill come back to this later sorry 

[y-l-r-a-c]

okay cool so im back and in the laundry room and ready to continue my hookup story.

so yeah basically austin started hanging out with my group of friends over fall break because his normal group was out of town for the weekend and he knew justine. we started flirting like the second day of break and continued pretty consistently for about two days. he asked for my number and then we started texting even when we were together and with the group just like from across the room and it was honestly kind of cute and i even had a crush on him a little. hes honestly such a negative person both about himself (always putting himself down) and about life in general (just saying it isnt worth it and that we would be better off dead) and like that isnt good for me. ive had those thoughts. i used to think i would never have to worry about college because i would kill myself before i ever got here and now im here and im so glad ive made it this far. im happy for my life even if im not happy with certain parts of it. he was a good guy though like he is honestly not hot but kind of cute and very muscular and thin and like not my type at all but i was ready to try something new and after the weekend before i just wanted to hook up with someone because i didnt remember anything about the last guy i kissed and it scared me to death and still does a little but a lot less because ive basically decided it didnt happen if i cant remember it so that i dont have to deal with it.

back to austin - the third day of break everyone was pretty tired out from partying for three nights straight so they were all going to bed early and austin had said he wasnt tired and asked if anyone wanted to go back to his room (we were in my room but serena wanted to sleep) so i said sure and walked back with him (justine would have normally walked with us because she lives just down the hall from him but she wasnt going to meet up until later anyway). we stopped by her room on the way to austins to see if she wanted to come and she said sure but that she would only stay for a little while (i was pretty sure she knew what was probably going to happen with me and austin and she told me later that yeah she had known) so we go in and will (this guy on their hall that juggles a lot) was there along with austin’s roommate and the roommates girlfriend. they were super cute and honestly austin was clearly jealous. so the six of us talked for a while and then justine went to bed, followed by the roommate and his girlfriend going to the girlfriends room and then will stayed and juggled for like an uncomfortably long amount of time but like whatever.

when he finally left, austin started showing me the kind of videos sierra used to watch about the gamers playing a game and like we can see their screen on the video and like see what theyre doing in the game. too weird that they both watch those kind of videos. he was lying down and i was kind of sitting in front of him with like his head to the side of me and his stomach lining my back.  i kept leaning into him little by little but he kept watching the videos and laughing and it was a little weird that he wasnt just kissing me but he had told me (in a get to know you game) that his first kiss was the week before (i later found out that that first kiss progressed into sex in the same night) so i was just like okay i guess we’re taking this super slow, thats okay, thats good to be honest like most of the guys ive kissed have wanted to go way too fast and i dont really know how much i like guys so the slower the better.

then he finally did kiss me and we started making out and he had my shirt off like pretty quickly and that was all fine. then he texted him roommate to tell him not to come back to the room for the night which like is okay but he didnt ask me if i was sleeping over and i wasnt really planning on sleeping with him so i wasnt really planning on sleeping over and it just felt weird but his roommate asked if he could come back for a minute to get some stuff so i put on my clothes and went to justines room to wait until his roommate was gone for good because i thought it would be awkward if i was in there when his roommate came back because he would like know what was about to happen so i avoided that situation. i told justine what was happening and she basically said good job but dont sleep with him because his first kiss was only last week (i still was not aware that he had also had sex so like it wouldnt have even been his first time) and i said yes and that i wasnt planning on it and then i went back to austins room.

we got back into things and he got me completely naked like very quickly and started fingering me (sorry if this is tmi then dont read like the entire next paragraph) and honestly like he was good but doesnt understand what an actual female orgasm is because he thought he made me cum twice when in reality he didnt even get there once (a little disappointing but also like he doesnt need to be the most recent person to do that to me, i would kind of rather keep that to sierra even if she doesnt keep it to me) but he was pretty good overall. then i pulled off his pants and he was like fairly big in my opinion but i honestly dont have much to compare to. like when i had it all the way in my mouth there was still a good portion not in my mouth (i do have a small mouth but not that small i dont think) like enough to have a hand at the base. ive only given one blow job and it barely counts because like yes there was a dick in my mouth but it was put there forcibly and i definitely didnt finish that guy off, i ran away, so my point with that is that i really dont know what im supposed to do… i used my hand and my mouth and just like everything i could think of to try and get him off but like i honestly couldnt do it and i was probably sucking his dick for a solid twenty minutes, like it shouldnt take that long (but thinking about it like i want to have sex with him because he would last so fucking long and it would probably be amazing because hes also really strong and a lot of what im scared of when it comes to hetero sex is that i would have to be on top and i wouldnt even be able to like bounce enough because im not that athletic and im scared i would get super tired and i definitely cant get off when im doing that much activity like it takes focus to orgasm) but back to the story, i couldnt do it and it was really awkward and he ended up getting out lube and gettin ghimself close and having me just finish him with my hand… literally so awkward to watch a guy jerk himself off, like i should be able to do it and i couldnt, what kind of girl even am i ugh. but like that wasnt even the most awkward part. about five minutes into the blow job he reached to the side (for what i assumed was a condom) and goes ‘do you want to go farther?’ and i was just like ‘ummm i think this is good’ and like kept sucking (literally and just like doing a bad just in general). but like it was literally so awkward and i wish he had just gotten out the condom and started putting it on because i probably would have fucked him but like i wasnt going to say i wanted to because i was worried he would regret it and ugh it just would have been awkward and i was scared and im glad i didnt do it but at the same time i wish i had.

okay back to pg13 shit. so after all of that we laid in his bed for a while but like didnt talk it was basically just silent and like we kissed a little but not really and it was just really awkward and he asked if i wanted to stay and i said i would probably just sleep in justines room (because i was uncomfortable staying in his room) and he also asked if i wanted to shower (he has a bathroom in his room) and i said no and that i would do it in the morning but my hair was a literal mess and i probably should have just showered there to be honest. but then he asked if i would rather have him just walk me back to my dorm and i really didnt want that because it already felt really awkward at that point so i said no and that i would sleep in justines room. i put on my clothes in his bathroom and cleaned myself up a little and honestly considered sleeping in justines room but her door was locked and it was way too late at night to call her or like knock so i just walked back to my dorm (walk of shame on a fucking monday night)

the next morning justine basically called me out at lunch and so now that whole group of people knows which is fine but i wasnt really planning on it… since then weve texted a couple times but ive always started the conversation and its just ended with him not responding to something i say…i would honestly hook up with him again though so it kind of sucks that he doesnt think im good enough or something. at the time i thought it was a big deal that he got out a fucking condom but since then ive kind of realized that that really doesnt matter and honestly isnt that weird.

almost up to current with this piece of my life (and the only one im going to talk about tonight because this actually took a really long time to type and im exhausted) so tonight i texted him because i was desperate and i missed sierra and i wanted to hookup and just like have the warm body to be honest and like for a little bit our conversation was going fine and he seemed like a normal person but then i hinted that i wanted to come over and he didnt even say anything about it he just like ignored it and then he asked if i was horny and i blatantly answered yes because like if hes gonna ask me that i assume hes gonna invite me over and at least make out with me for a bit and thats really all i wanted but he just said like ‘oh well im tired and not that horny’ and its like wtf you literally just made me admit to it which is awkward and uncomfortable and makes me feel really vulnerable but then you cant even do it back and then the conversation just got really awkward and basically ended. but like wtf you dont ask a girl if shes horny after she has clearly hinted that she wants to come over and then suggest she find someone else to help deal with it, like no, not okay. so thats where i stand in the whole austin situation rn but i would probably still hook up with him again, but i wont be the one texting first next time. fuck that shit. and now i cant figure out my math homework and no one fucked me and im tired and sad and i just want to sleep and cry for the rest of my life but i cant because im stronger than that and my mom and grandma come in town tomorrow night. this will be an interesting weekend. hopefully i have time to catch up on more journaling tomorrow during the day because i have a feeling once they get here not only will i have no time, but i will have fifty other things i need to write about. goodnight.

[y-l-r-a-c]

today has been so weird and i think i will probably cry while journaling into the night. i am outside tonight because i feel like i type really loud (i think i explained this earlier today in my previous post). i regret not bringing out gloves and am considering going inside to get some so i can stay out longer but i dont know if i would let myself go back out if i go in even for just a second and i for sure cant leave anything out here as incentive for me to come back because its way too late at night and it would probably be stolen. im also a little worried someone is going to come up behind me and attack me but like thats the worst that can happen and im only like ten feet from the door to my dorm building so i think ill be safe. now that yall have some context lets get started: first (and maybe only depending on how im feeling and how late it gets and my computer battery) post of the night is gonna be about my hookup last weekend over fall break with a guy named austin.

he reminds me of a more desperate version of myself. he told us all that he was a month clean (which like so proud dont get me wrong but we barely knew him (he was only hanging out with us for the weekend because his normal group went home for fall break) so it felt a little off). he likes to save pics of sad quotes (which like sure i dont save them but i like to look them up and read them and stuff and like i have my entire main blog that is basically just thousands of sad quotes and things of the sort), so like i was interested from the beginning. i get that my type shouldnt be sad, depressing people, but to be completely honest, i like to be able to care for someone because then when i have stupid problems they are more likely to feel obligated to listen to my shit. this is the first sign that i have an intimacy problem oops. 

quick pause because it is way too fucking cold to keep going with this outside (before i even finish one post oops) so i will continue in a minute (probably in the laundry room) but im going to post this much now in case i end up not writing more and also because im scared my computer will like delete what ive written so far and ive written a good amount of the story already (not the story part but almost all the context)

[y-l-r-a-c]

i thought this journaling thing would help me sort out my thoughts and it really does when i make the time for it but im honestly so bad at taking this as a priority and i feel like if i do it at night my typing will wake serena, because im kind of vicious typer and i feel like it would for sure wake her and she goes to bed way earlier than i do so like i would feel bad. but basically my point is: im going to try because it honestly makes me feel better, but there will probably be a lot of hiatuses and shit and then some hasty versions of stories and things that happened just to catch up when i do make time. (so like today i plan on posting this, a story about my fall break hookup, and a story about carly basically running away this past weekend, and maybe one about how much i miss sierra today/yesterday because im dying for some unknown reason like more than i normally am, and maybe one about how i feel a little used with like listening and trying to be a friend for people but then when i need something they arent here back and it just really sucks) i didnt even realize how far behind i am fml well here goes, ill make them in separate posts for my own sake. 

[y-l-r-a-c]

it all feels like a blur. i honestly dont even know if anything happened anymore because my memory has gotten worse instead of better. im scared and it just feels almost like a big lie but i know it happened just based on what alex said the next day but like i literally remember so fucking little of it. i cant do this. all i want to do is sleep and i have an essay to finish and a test in the morning and i already took a four hour nap today so i shouldnt be so tired but im honestly just so fucking drained. i need help. i dont know what to do.

[y-l-r-a-c]

twins gone for the week. i want to cry. i am literally the most dependent person. like its actually kind of bad. i need to learn how to be on my own.