More than a Brute
CHAPTER TWELVE Just A Brute
Cassian x reader
summary My reputation as a healer percedes me and the Night Court invites me to help around Windhaven. Brutal Illyrians swarm around me. But there is one that is more than a brute...
warnings angst, talks of war & drowning, heartbreak, betrayal
words 5k
an I cried when I wrote this. It broke my heart seeing both of them like this. What am I doing to them!?
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It was still dark outside when I woke up, stirring slowly with a yawn and stretching myself. I spread my arms but the blankets around me were cold, only our mixed scent lingered in the air, keeping me company. I opened my eyes in shock as I blinked around in the dark of the room, but Cassian was nowhere to be found. My interns knotted and a pierce stinged in my heart - did he really leave after I fell asleep? After the fantastic Sex we just had? I sighed and my heart hammered in my chest, my mouth felt dry and I reached for the glass on my nightstand. It was empty. Maybe he’s just down in the kitchen to get us some water. I groaned and threw the sheets from my body, making my way into my adjoined bathroom. I turned the lever, but the water didn't run. “Really?” I cursed the house loudly. Why did this psychopathic house choose me as its enemy? Sometimes it was nice, leaving me tea, sometimes it did things like that - forcing me to get through the maze of corridors, serving as an amusement like a zoo animal just to get some water.
I wandered through the house until I reached the kitchen.Cassian wasn't there and my heart sank - Why did he leave my room? I started to get pissy. I downed two glasses of the icy cold liquid from the tap before I filled the third and took it with me. I never adjusted to the floorplan and I could swear the house changed it every time I walked upstairs to my room. As I climbed the second fly of stairs I heard angry voices from down the dark corridor. Just a slit of light guided the way from where the conversation came from. My footsteps were muffled by the soft fabric of the carpet as I froze a couple of feet away from the ajar door.
“For the last time. I’m asking you if it worked.”
“You fucking prick.”
It was Rhysands and Cassian's agitated voices.
“Was she able to do it?”
Stillness stretched and I didn't dare to breathe. What were they talking about? Rhysand said that he wanted us all to have a revival meeting from the battle tomorrow after breakfast. Why was he having a discussion with Cassian now in the middle of the night?
“Cassian.” The High Lord warned.
“Yes, she was. She was able to heal me. She was able to heal her and my wounds of the Faebane. Just like you said. She was the key we’ve been looking for.”
What did he mean - I was the key?
“Cauldron bless. She’s the right one. I knew it. She’s the girl that is able to heal our certain death. Do you even know what it means to have her on our side? We are able now to fight every opponent that uses that poison. She makes us invincible.”
My breathing had come to a full stop and my head swam. I stumbled backwards without a noise but my hand grabbed onto the wooden planks of the wall to keep me from falling. My trembling hand drove to my chest just to check if my heart was still there and beating. I had no idea what they were talking about. Everything I knew was that they lied to me. I had to get out of there.
When I was down the corridor I heard a glass shattering against a wall, followed by dull objects being thrown around. Muffled and rough curses and the call of my name were accompanied by something that sounded like a fight. Like they were hitting each other. The only explanation I had was that they noticed me and now were coming for me - trying to overpower each other to be the first to get their hands on me. Adrenaline thrummed in my veins and I began to sprint down the hallway.
The spirit of the house didn't send me through a maze as if it noticed my distress and wanted to help me. I reached my room faster than ever. I grabbed the first dress that I found, some boots and a jacket. I needed to clear my head. And I needed to bring as much distance between me and those liars as possible.
They found me and played me. Dirty. Was it all a lie? I caught a glimpse of me in the mirror as my hand stilled on the doorknob. I looked so out of place right there. The only thing that connected me to the night court was the hairpin at the back of my head that adorned three black blossoms of the illyrian poppies. I couldn't stand having anything from this court on me and ripped it out of my hair, throwing it to the ground. I ripped the door open and vanished into the night.
I ran towards the mountains until I passed the barrier to Velaris. The harsh winds and unusual coldness that the barrier held back clawed on me now. The wind whipped and tangled my hair, collecting snow crystals instantly. My skin pebbled and I tucked the jacket higher to shield my neck. Fresh snow crunched beneath my boots and I fought with the covered ground, staggering forward in a hurry. I had no idea where I was going but it really didn't matter.
What the hel just happened?
My head was empty and overladen at the same time. How did I even end up in this mess? I let my life pass before my inner eye to discover where it all went to shit.
I was born 700 years ago. My mother died during the war. She was wounded when her water broke and I was born on a battlefield. Priestesses found me, still attached to her womb and cradled in her arms, protected from the cold by every piece of fabric that she wore on her body.
I grew up in a temple in Day. That was where they found out that I had healing magic when I was four or five. I remember it as if it was yesterday. I played with an older member of the temple when I fell and broke my leg. I screamed and held my leg but before the others could carry me to the infirmary I brushed my hands along the wound and willed it back as it was before. I healed myself. It was a miracle they said. Never has a healer been revealed at that age. Rumors that the youngest healer was discovered spread and so my training began. Grand masters from all over Prythian came to educate me. Then another war broke out. Hybern always was an opponent and they attacked the Day Court where we were most vulnerable - the temples.
The sisters tried to protect our home and fought but it was no use, they were too strong. Most of them ran away and so did I. But it was on that very battlefield when a soldier of the Illyrians attacked me, grabbed me by the neck and pushed my head under water. I always thought they were our allies and that they came to help us against Hybern - but I was wrong. I chanted my last prayer in my head and suddenly I was breathing again. Another winged male had saved me. He killed the one that tried to drown me but I was so afraid of them that I ran away as fast as I could.
Luckily I was met with another priestess that escaped and we found the nearest temple. The high priestess protected me and said to me it was better to delay my healing training. I never questioned her demand - thinking it was because we all had to pass our traumas and build up the temples again.
Years ticked by until I was allowed to train my healing. Soon, they wanted me to have one of those blue gemstones that all priestesses used but the force of my magic broke everyone they handed me. They helped me to channel my powers until they realized that they were too weak to contain my healing powers. When the head of our temple couldn't educate me any more, she sent me off to every high priest of the six courts to learn from them. The Night Court never allowed foreigners to set foot on their grounds. Year after year I studied healing. Plants and crystals, the moon and other celestial bodies, potions and ores that had special powers until even their knowledge had dried out.
My fear for water was the highest obstacle for me when I stepped on the ship that would bring me to the continent. But it was worth it. There were so many new ways to heal wounds that were not only on but inside the body. They taught me that not only magic can be healing but actions of my bare hands too. Rooms of titanium white with a wide range of disinfected instruments lay organized on a table. Right next to that, we cut open a sedated Fae and removed parts of organs that had turned ill beyond saving. Learning internal medicine became my new obsession and I left the continent after many years of studying their techniques.
The High Lord of Spring allowed me to stay in his court for a while. By that time his mate had given him three sons. The youngest, Tamlin, was commissioned to accompany me when I wandered their woods until I knew my way around. He told me that it was for my protection, because if I crossed the border, the humans would have tied me to a pyre and burned me alive.
By then I became known all over Prythian. Other High Lords invited me to their courts which I accepted happily and lived in their palaces, with my sisters in temples or in my own houses.
No matter how much the places changed one thing stayed the same. I healed hundreds and hundreds of patients. No matter if it was a simple cough or in the tents of battlefields where I demanded to tend the wounds of warriors from both sides. Yes I took money for it, but I wasn't heartless and took only so much to get a roof above my head and a meal on my table.
I was in Summer when Rhysands note reached me. It was a temptation to be invited to the Night Court, because strangers were rarely allowed. He must have known from my reputation that I was still hungry for more knowledge. That was the trap they set for me.
Velaris had narrowed down to a small sparkling spot and the wind became eager to blow away my footsteps in the snow. The cold hugged me tight and gripped on my bare shins and face like tiny needles worming their way inside me. My hands were white, drained of all blood and ice crystals covered me from head to toe. I still felt the cold and hated it to feel anything. Only thoughts - that was what I needed to be to sort out this mess. I picked up the pace as their words echoed in my mind.
Was she able to do it?
Yes, she was.
She was able to heal her and my wounds from the Faebane
The key we’ve been looking for
She’s the girl that is able to heal our certain death
Have her on our side
She makes us invincible
Their words roared in my head. They must have known of my powers. Somehow they knew that I was able to heal Faebane. I could heal their certain death. They wanted me as their personal secret weapon. I was the key they’ve been looking for - the key to never let them die, nothing else could kill them. They needed me on their side to use me. They could use Faebane against others while I could prevent them from dying from it. Use me against other courts in battles to make them invincible and spread their terrain.
And I fell for it.
It was the sole reason they invited me to the Night Court months ago. I came to that stupid dinner and said yes. I almost tipped over the edge when I saw Cassian but he saved me from falling. Of course he did - how could he lose their precious healer who could make them invincible?
And how to bind someone to you not just because both get their part of the deal fulfilled? Make them emotionally dependent!
Cassian cared for me from the first day on. He set up a new bed for me and even prepared a fire to make me feel welcome. Shortly after that he trained me in self defense in case some Illyrians would step out of the line. He wouldn't want me to be uncomfortable or hurt on the first day in my new ‘home’.
He even noticed when I sat glued to my chair beneath the window and picked me up to have some real fun. That was the first day we shared more than pleasantries with each other. He must have had the order to watch me closely and begin to form a friendly relationship with me.
They showed me their hidden city of dreams and the precious library and I adored it instantly. How could I not? I flew the first time with Cassian and he promised me he would never let me fall. He showed me his favorite spot in the city and bought us chocolate croissants. They had a thought-out plan: Show her something hidden and be sweet to her and she gives you her trust. I was so dumb.
All the times I healed him bonded us even more together and it ignited a spark in my chest that gradually grew into a torch. Cassian knew of his effect on females - I could hardly hold back from touching and kissing him when he sat in front of me half naked and giving me fuck-me-eyes.
When I stumbled on the frozen lake, broke in and almost drowned, he saved me. He cradled me in his arms and didn't let go before I was warm. I felt so safe back then. When I drew my first sketch of him in the field of moonflowers, his eyes barely left mine. Again he had to safe the clumsy damsel in distress from her suicide mission.
When I found the three Illyrian boys I could reason with him until he agreed to build a shelter for them. That must have meant something to him, regarding he was an orphan once too, right? Or did his heart turn into stone from all the years under Rhysands reign? Probably, it didn't matter… because they used it to bind me even more to them - have me dedicated to their soldiers.
For fucks sake he even flew up to the mountains to get a bouquet of moonflowers for my room at the House of Wind. And we danced together and he protected me from the water on that bridge in Velaris. He promised to be on my side with every step and that he wanted to make sure that I don't have to fear anything when his arms were around me. He even let me touch his wings when he shielded us from the sudden rain. I could tell in that moment something between us happened - something changed in my heart… The way he looked at me, his eyes beamed at me and his smile radiated, he was able to wash the sunshine directly into me too. For a moment I even thought he wanted to kiss me. When I think about it now he probably did. Just to get his foot in the door - it would have been the next step to tie me to him, to this court.
I will never forget how furious Cassian was when I came back from an expedition too late. The worried look on his face haunted me in my dreams. He looked so broken when he told me that he needed to be able to trust my word. He wore the same look the night the Illyrian male came to my cottage to take advantage of me. It was as if I could feel his sorrow in my chest as well as the relief that he wasn't too late. The way he soothed me in my bed and held me in his arms. How proud he looked when his warriors kneeled before me, accepted me as one of them. Was I wrong about him all the way? He did a good job - talking me into feeling guilty even if I accomplished something for him and praising me to get along. I’ve never had the suspicion he would be this manipulative.
He stood up for me every time someone spoke down at me as if I was a mere creature. He protected me every time. And he kept one of my drawings pinned to the wall just beside his bed. The night before the battle, when we sat together on the roof, I told him that I was afraid for his life and that I wanted to stay in Windhaven with him - that was when he knew that the snare snapped. He had me.
How long did they plan that all along? Did they plan for me to find Cassian during the battle and be saved by him? Did they plan that he would get hurt with Faebane, suggesting that I might be able to heal him? That sounded ridiculous even to my ears. Did it? Rhysand was a cunning High Lord, always a step ahead. He must have been sure that my magic would unfold in fear of losing Cassian and I would be able to heal him.
If Cassian knew… he would’ve never done that, would he? Risk his life for his High Lord? They grew up together and were brothers…they would do anything for each other. How could I be so blind? All it took was a handsome face that pretended to have a good heart and I fell for it.
But after I healed him he knew what kind of powers I really had. He could have just taken me back to Windhaven or Velaris and put me in a cell - at disposal for their use. But instead he encouraged me to come along with him in the starlight pool that recharged my power and mended my wounds and held me in his arms as if he couldn't believe that he was alive and I saved him. I even was dumb enough to tell him that I loved him. Their plan worked effortlessly. They played with my feelings to tie me to them and this court just to use my powers to their advantage.
How could I be so silly? Why didn't all the alarm bells in my head ring and shout at me? They all lied to me, even the girls. Did Rhysand lie to me about the complications of Feyre’s pregnancy just to make me more emotionally involved with her and him? I didn't know what to think anymore. But they all did a great fucking job.
Where did that leave me? I was trapped in a foreign court in a town deep in the mountains. The High Lord bribed me to live there rather comfortably in exchange to gather healing knowledge. Their general made me fall in love with him to bind me and make me their personal puppet for their interests and to make them invincible.
I was a fool. Happily, my plan on becoming just thinking worked. The city of dreams, now the city of nightmares for me, was out of sight and I was ensnared by the Illyrian night. The sky was inky but the moon was bright, contrasting my vision with midnight blue and hues of silver against the snow. I couldn't remember when I last felt my toes and exposed legs. The harsh wind whirled around me blowing the freezing breeze up my legs beneath that thin and silky dress I grabbed on my way out. My hands were white and even stopped to shake, not bothering anymore to try and pump the blood back in. I couldn't feel my face anymore and my eyes even stopped hurting against the cold. My body was shutting down gradually and I embraced it.
Hours passed. I walked and walked with no destination. Where could I go? Dawn was beautiful at that time of the year. Day would be a nice variety after Night. Summer was lovely during every season and Tarquin became a friend of mine when we spent some time on one of his islands. But they both seemed too close to the night court. I never liked to stay in Fall for too long - Beron had never been a nice host. Maybe Tamlin would allow me to come back to his court?
Whatever it would be, I was fine with walking until I reached the border to the next court to plead for asylum. I was ashamed of how stupid I was - I was also fine with freezing to death. The thought didn't even shock me anymore. I had given so much to this court, to its ruler, to its residents, to Cassian. I had given everything and they destroyed every bit of me. How could I ever trust anyone anymore? Maybe it was better to die here and be buried by the snow forever, so my healing powers could never be used the wrong way…
YN
I heard a voice call. Quiet at first. I could feel my body get rigid under the pressure of the cold. It was my mind playing me tricks, trying to keep me walking.
YN
the voice called again. Maybe it was the Mother - trying to guide me to her, welcoming me in her arms and giving me the final peace.
YN
Something in my chest tightened. Probably my heart slowed its beat. It was as if it pulled me into a different direction. And a pang of fear that wasn't there before mingled into my brain. It was like my mind wanted to keep my frail body alive.
YN
No. I knew that voice. It was Cassians. A gust of wind howled through the snow perched peaks, but it was nothing compared to the sound of wings cutting through the air. I willed my jaw to clench, not that I could feel it anyway, and forced myself to spurt as fast as I could to pull away from his presence.
Then, he landed in front of me with a snow muffled thud, blocking my path, scattering snow around him. I flinched back, eyes wide with terror. I stumbled backwards but my body was able to get into flight mode and use the remaining strength to spurt the other way.
“YN, wait.” he called after me.
I had to get away from him.
The wind howled as he called me. When something hindered me from getting away, I flipped around. My wrist was anchored by his hand. His huge form seemed smaller as usual as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and his eyes blown wide. “YN, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. I was so worried when you weren't in your room. What are you doing out here?” he asked, his voice broke.
“Don't touch me.” I retorted and tried to yank my arm free without success, his grip stayed. My eyes roamed to his chest, where he had the scrunched hair clip fastened. He must have stepped on it when he came back to my room.
“Sweetheart you’re freezing. Come on, I’ll get you home and warm you up.” he tried with a soft voice. He looked me up and down. My skin had an unhealthy hue of gray and my fingers were white and shaking again.
“Like you care!” I yelled at him, “Now let me go.” and I yanked my hand free.
“What? Of course I do care. What's that supposed to mean?”
“You knew!” my voice shook but my body was incapable of producing tears. “You knew about my powers and lied to me. You lied to me the whole time.”
“YN, please let me explain-”
I scoffed “There is nothing to be explained. Leave me alone, Cass.”
He stepped towards me but I flinched back. “Baby, please you, need to understand-”
“Understand what? That you and your High Lord tricked me into staying in the night court and being your subject? That I would finally reveal my true powers and keep them at your disposal? So that you could use me whenever you liked?”
“It’s not like that.” he growled but couldn't look me in the eye.
“Then how is it, Cass? Tell me. Did Windhaven really need a new healer or did you just get rid of the former to have a preface to get me? Tell me that all the nice things you did for me- all the nice things you said to me - were just because you wanted to shackle me to your court - to use me.” He took a step closer and I stepped back, holding the distance.
Even though my words raced out like spitfire, I felt cold and tired on the inside. “Tell me that you only cared about the shelter, because I was so infested in it. That it was just another point to get me to stay. That all the dinners we shared meant nothing to you. Tell me that you lied to me when you held me on that bridge over the middle of the Sidra and told me that you would be there with me.” My hand unconsciously collected some of the high perched snow and pressed on it until it was a dense ball, containing all my anger. “I invited you into my home, into my bedroom. You saved me from that illyrian bastard and I let you hold me the whole night. You knew how much that meant to me. But youre no better than him - you’re just another illyrian brute.” My cold body couldn't cry and I had to take a deep breath to fill my heavy lungs. Wrath and despair ripped me apart from the inside, I was about to pass out. I took another breath and screamed out. “I saved you, Cass. I brought you back to life. You said that you loved me. And you lied to me.” I yelled at him and my hand hurled the ice ball towards him.
He didn't dodge but flinched as it hit him - directly over his heart. The snow clung to his chest and his hand flew over the spot like my hit stung more than just to the plate of his armor. It was like a fever dream but somehow I could feel the impact it had on him in my chest. Like my heart broke just at that moment.
“It wasn't a lie, YN.” he said and I could see the brokenness in his eyes, but it only fueled my rage.
Cassian’s hazel eyes flashed with hurt. "You think I don’t care about you? That I don't love you?" His voice was low, rough. "You think I was just setting you up to be some kind of - some kind of tool for the Night Court?"
"Wasn’t I?" I shot back, taking another step away from him and fury thrummed in my cold veins. "You needed me, Cassian. You needed my power. You made me trust you, you-" my voice broke, and I hated the way my throat burned with all the curses I wanted to throw at him.
He ran a hand down his face, exhaling sharply. "Gods, YN, listen to me."
"Why?" I spat. "So you can feed me more lies?"
"Because I love you!" he roared.
The words stopped me dead in my tracks. All I could do was stare at him blankly.
His chest was heaving, his expression desperate as he stepped closer, he was furious. "I love you," he repeated, his voice cracking this time. "This -us- it was never a game to me. Never a plan. I fell for you long before I even knew what your magic could do."
My vision blurred from the cold and his words. The way he talked was sincere, like he really meant it. I wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t.
I shook my head and my chin dropped. "You’re just saying that so I’ll come back with you."
He let out a broken laugh. "Fuck, YN, do you really think so little of me?" His wings flared behind him agitatedly, his fists clenched at his sides. "Do you really believe I held you in my arms, kissed you, trusted you, just to use you?"
I swallowed hard and stared at the distance behind him. "I don’t know what to believe anymore."
I turned around to leave as the wind howled between us. I had heard enough. I let the shark cutting silence fill the space between us as I took the first steps away from him.
Then, another sound gurgled behind me with a whoosh of darkness that had me turning around again.
Rhysand stood there, the last traces of his winnowing thinning in the air around him. His violet eyes locked onto me.
"YN," he said with a tight voice.
“Leave me alone Rhysand.” I said to him. My mind was too beaten to talk to him. I wanted to get away no matter if it was the cold that finally took me or reaching the border to the next court.
"We don’t have time for this. You need to come back now."
My stomach twisted at the desperate tone in his voice. "Why?"
The snow behind me crunched under Rhys’ feet as he stepped closer, his usually composed face full of something close to panic.
His voice was filled with panic. "Feyre is in labor. The babe is coming."
<<< CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER THIRTEEN >>>
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