Remnants of a star
Cassian x reader
Summary: Despite the many years since the loss of your mate, hiding your feelings on the anniversary of their death is impossible while you try celebrate Starfall with your new love, Cassian.
Surprise surprise, it’s more angst from me! Loved writing this for @starfallweek 🌟
A huge shout out to @writingsbychlo @azsazz for pulling such a magical event together – thank you for bringing Starfall to Tumblr!! ❤️❤️❤️
Words: 1,520
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“Sweetheart, you’re crying.”
“Am I?” Bringing shaky fingers to your cheeks, you felt the wet tracks they left behind. Cassian nodded with tight lips, pulling your hand gently from your face an encompassing it with his own.
Forcing a laugh that came out a lot breathier than you’d hoped, you brushed your tears away quickly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I suppose it’s the stars,” you said, raising your hand to the luminous streaks sparking across the night sky. “They’re so beautiful, it made me emotional.”
Cassian kept his eyes on you, his gaze burning as you looked anywhere but back at him. He stepped behind you then, gently snaking his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder, his breath warm in your ear. You clenched your eyes shut – you knew you hadn't done a good enough job to fool him. But he played it cool, nonchalant even, respecting your privacy in the face of the rest of his family.
“How about we get out of here doll?”
You shook your head quickly. “No Cass, it’s your night with your family.”
He hugged you tighter, kissing your temple before murmuring into your hair. “And there’ll be a thousand more Starfalls to come. C’mon, I know the perfect place.”
You were just about to tell him to go join his brothers and that you would excuse yourself alone, before the sound of wings flaring filled your ears.
“Cass–”. You were cut off as Cassian launched the both of you to the sky, knocking the breath from your chest as he hauled you up, moving swiftly to cup your knees.
Clinging tightly around his neck, you stared ahead in awe as he gracefully weaved between the glowing spirits as they speared past you, leaving streaks of light like temporary strokes of luminescent paint. Clenching your eyes shut for just a moment, you tried to appreciate the beauty of Starfall, despite what had happened on this night all those years ago.
Cassian kept his eyes forward, concentrating to not disturb the stars on their journey. Long strands of hair were pushed back in the wind, his expression, while focused, still soft and kind.
Cassian was everything good in the world. He was too good for it, and too good for you. It was instinct to snake your arms around his neck tighter, pulling yourself closer to him, as if his broad chest could smother you whole. How long could you hold him, both physically and in your heart, knowing you would never be good enough for his love?
After a short flight, Cassian landed gently in a part of the mountains you had never visited before. The night was quiet here, and you could see the occasional glow of a falling star through the tops of the sprawl of mountain ash trees – their canopies stretching so tall you had to tilt back to see. The terrain was unlike anything you had seen in Velaris, it was where forest met mountain. Around you, glowing insects fluttered softly, filling the void around you in a charming way.
All in all, it was a beautiful setting. But why had he bought you here?
“Where are we?” you asked.
“A favourite place of mine.” he answered with a smile, before focusing his eyes on you. “Doll, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry,” you said, looking anywhere but at him. You had broken your own promise – spoiling Cassian’s celebration with his family despite your own feelings for Starfall. He was a good male, if not the best and he deserved to celebrate freely. Instead he was here, coddling you.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. What–?”
“No I do, I do Cass,” you interrupted him, blowing a sharp breath through o-shaped lips as you tried not to crumple right there and then. Bouncing one knee, you tried to blink away the frustration and anguish you felt at yourself, as tears began to well at your eyes.
Cassian moved closer, cupping your face in his large hands. “Hey, hey. Sweetheart, it’s all right.” he soothed, rubbing gentle thumbs over your cheeks. “What’s got you all strung out, hmm?”
“I’m selfish, I know, I'm sorry–”
“What in Cauldron’s–? Y/N, you are not selfish.” Cassian was frowning deeper now.
You shook your head in response. “It’s your special night with your family. I’m ruining the whole thing, and it only happens once a year, but I’m making it about me and–” Cassian’s eyes darted between your own as your rambles turned to blubbering, the Illyrian in front of you becoming more of a blur as you began to truly cry.
Even through your tears, you could sense the glow from the stars above fade as two large wings came to shield you, offering comfort, sanction, a place with no shame. Large hands left your face, instead pushing gently at your back to bring you closer to his chest, his arms firm as they wrapped around you.
So you held him back – tighter than you’ve ever held anything, as if the stars could take him away and make him one of their own, just like they did–
Cassian pulled back, looking down as he brushed away your tears before holding your chin in his calloused fingers. “You want to tell me where this is coming from, doll?”
Your lip trembled as you took yet another shaky breath. “It’s… the anniversary.”
Cassian frowned. “The anniversary?”
You dropped your gaze to the ground, your shoes covered by your gown, the beauty of the shimmering fabric an odd contrast with the mossy ground beneath you. “Yes,” you said eventually. “The anniversary of my mate…”
“Ah.” Cassian answered, knowing already. You looked up at him now, his big brown eyes focused on you, soft and patient and understanding. “You never told me it happened on Starfall.”
“It’s not a detail I like to recall.” You took a deep breath, preparing for the pain you knew it would cause to explain. “Each year I spend this night alone, watching the stars from my home and searching for the brightest one – the one that I know is them. But I’ve never found them, on the one night a year when I’m meant to, on the one night of the year where the Cauldron spares the living – instead it punishes me.”
Cassian sighed then, bringing his hands to your arms, grounding you before you could lose yourself to memories of lonesome Starfalls – the gut punching heartache when the last of the stars would shoot past, and another year of trying to connect to your passed mate in the only way you knew how, didn't happen yet again.
“This year, I promised myself I wouldn't look. And I feel so guilty. Guilty that I'm not looking for them, guilty that I still want to even though I’m here with you. I love you so, so much Cass – you’re the best thing in this world. You don't deserve someone like me, who still searches for a past love in the stars.”
Cassian shook his head, before levelling a look at you then. “They were your mate, Y/N. And they were taken from you. I can't even begin to know how much that must hurt, especially on a night like this.”
And although the relief of your confession helped ease the clench in your heart, Cassian's understanding made you cry harder. “I don't deserve you,” you whispered through sobs.
Strong arms pulled you into his waist. “And I love you,” he replied cooly.
You blinked up at him, unsure of how his love prevailed in a moment like this. “But Cass, we’ll never be mated.”
“I don't care.” A strong hand was bought to your jaw, cupping your face as Cassian leant in, softly placing his lips over yours. Something stirred inside you, like the faint remains of a broken bond finally being put to rest. It warmed you, and your skin felt alight as you kissed him back, kissed him hard, hands sliding to grip the roots of his hair as you pulled him to you, closer, never close enough.
Pulling away for just a moment, you looked up at the handsome Illyrian, his wings uncurling from around you as the rest of the forest was revealed. It was beyond your belief that there was a male capable of loving you so, despite everything you had told him.
“What are you thinking now, doll?”
“That I love you so much it hurts,” you said, a faint smile on your lips.
Cassian chuckled softly. “C’mere sweetheart,” he said, pulling you into a bear hug, swinging with you and kissing your hair.
A star so bright it lit the both of your faces shot above the tree tops, streams of it’s light finding the forest floor through the canopy. You smiled knowingly, tears of contentment staining your face as kissed Cassian again and again.
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