It was raining outside, heavy rain I hadn't been expecting but should have. After all I'd been watching it through the condensation of those red lit glowing windows only five minutes before. Only really moments ago and yet, that stage, my song, they all felt so far away then as we stumbled out the back door into the alley behind the glass bins.
We were crouched down low to the ground, the little streams of rain which trickled between the bins and crates of glass waiting for collection. Both of us soaked through already by the heavy northern downpour. Frozen to the bone too because the wind had picked up and the weather was closing in on the city. I could feel my teeth chattering, my arms prickled with goosebumps as the rain stung my skin. I was scared too but I couldn't tell you anymore what it was that scared me.
Whether it was the enemy crouched behind me, close enough to me that I could see his breath condense in the air around my eyes. His arm wrapped around me to balance me, his jacket open tucking me under the sodden denim as if he thought it would help.
Or if it was my uncles that scared me, if it was the thought of that rattling door handle. Of Van whose temper had flared so quickly when I hadn't replied. Because he wasn't a forgiving man and no good deed ever went unpunished with him, not if you were someone like Sam. From the wrong family and the wrong side of town. Not if you were someone like me, someone with a debt to pay, someone with a family who needed protection.
The alley stank of piss and stale alcohol. Old kegs in stacks were the shadows that kept us hidden when footsteps echoed, Johnny's boots splashing through a puddle as he rounded the corner and shot up the steps into the back room where he'd have found me and Sam holding hands only seconds before.
I flinched when I heard gunshots. I was surprised to feel Sam's hand on my arm, surprised to feel his finger over my lips as he shushed me.
"Jus stay still lass," he breathed, "they'll think you've done a runner, it'll be reet." He said softly, his words barely words at all, breaths hanging crystalline in the icy night.
But we needn't have worried about being heard, we were drowned out by the rain, kept safe and secret by the weather which was coming down hard on us both.
We listened, crouched and close, bodies aching from the cold and the strained position we were balanced in, trying to hear the conversation being rushed in the back room. I daren't say a word, terrified that if I did I'd be tempting fate, that the hairs on the back of Van's neck would bristle and he would just know. Know that I was outside hiding with the enemy, that I'd betrayed him.
Because I had. Perhaps I hadn't meant to but the second I'd snatched Sam's hand in mine I'd made a decision, one which favoured Sam, which favoured me. Not one which favoured Van. And in this "family" that was betrayal. That was the kind of decision you didn't get away with.
And my uncle Johnny might have been soft on me, I might have been liked by the lads Van kept close, but it wouldn't be enough to save me from Van's wrath if I was caught. If we were caught Sam was dead, he didn't have to worry beyond that. It would be over so quickly for Sam.
If we were caught it wouldn't be so easy for me. Not a girl who'd been mercifully taken in when her father had died "in the line of duty" not for a girl who's mother depended on her to keep the man with the red right hand happy. Van wouldn't kill me, he'd put me and my mother through hell. And we'd been dragged through enough hell when my father had been killed.
So I remained frozen, letting Sam hold me steady, letting the rain soak me and freeze me to the bone. Letting my breath catch in my throat as my mind raced with all those future possibilities, the scenes which would play out if we were caught.
We were lucky. It wasn't anything but that. A guardian angel, gods merciful smile, luck. Thats what saved us that evening, at least back then thats what I believed it to be. The work of god, of some merciful creator moving the pieces on the board in our favour. Protecting me or Sam or both of us. Of course I realise now that it wasn't that at all. That it was quite the opposite. Some devil at play, someone sent to tempt, to lead innocence astray. To make the world hurt more than it really needed to. To leave another violent stain on the page. Not that realising that would have made it any easier. It wouldn't have changed the way things played out. Once he'd made the decision to save me, once I'd made the decision to save him, there was nothing which could have altered the course of events, the tale twisting around us, all those delicate, dangerous threads beginning to twist and weave around us. Soon to pull tight and push us together, tie us together. Till death do us part.
"Divn't be daft Van she'll be away home, poor lass'll have run for her fuckin life... reckon she's hidin under her fuckin bed petrified..."
"Then you fuckin check and you fuckin find her and when you do fuckin find her Bond, you fuckin bring her straight to me! Got it?"Van was foaming at the mouth, a bloody kind of rage I'd seen on him only too many times before. Even the ice of the rain couldn't take the heat out of his temper and as me and Sam remained frozen, teetering and hiding, we listened to Van light up a cigarette, pick a bottle from the glass bin and smash it off the wall across the alley.
My breath hitched in my throat, my eyes closed. There were tears in my eyes mixed with rain. Sam's finger pressed carefully against my lips. This time he remained silent too, listening too. Listening to the rev of a car engine, headlights flooding the alley, blinding orange washing over the kegs which concealed us. Johnny was gone, driving to my house up the road where he wouldn't find me. And Van was lingering on the steps, smoking a cigarette. Stewing on whatever paranoid belief had had him barking orders and Johnny to go and find me. I felt a sickness wash over me when I realised.
He must have seen Sam save me. Must have recognised the hooded lad who didn't belong to our family. Must have known I was in that back room, known that I wasn't alone. That I was hiding someone. That I'd betrayed him.
So although we hadn't been caught Van knew of my mistake. A mistake which to this day I would hand on heart tell anyone who asked, hadn't been a mistake at all. Had been the only good thing I'd ever done for myself in the face of that family. Had been the start of the only good thing that life had or ever would give me.
Because I'd been miserable until that night when hours after the fallout, when he was sure that we were finally alone, Sam had taken my hand to help me up, put his jacket over my shoulders and head to hide my face from the rain and the search party, pulled his own hood up and lead me away up the street as if we were just an unlucky couple caught out by the storm.
"Wait..." I stopped two roads from The Angel, tugged on his hand to hold him back. Forced him to turn back and look at me through the rain, my washed out features, my make up run into my eyes so that they looked up at him a little reddened and bloodshot.
"What?"
"Where are you taking me?" I asked looking back at him with a sense of disbelief, the evening catching up to me but only for a moment. Because I'd realised how lost I was. I couldn't go home because Johnny would be waiting for me and I wasn't ready to lie, was too scared of Van who John would surely force me to face. I knew I couldn't go with Sam, couldn't cross the river with him because his family knew me as an enemy. Because his having saved me would have been a betrayal as deadly as my saving him.
"Nowhere dangerous," he said looking at me with a glimmer of fear in his eyes, his own face paled by the cold weather, the rain leaving a washed out rosy sting in his cheeks. His hair was dark and slick to his face, his hoodie was dripping a steady stream of rain into his eyes. "Stay out here any longer and we're both gan freeze to death..."
"If Van sees us..."
"Like a said lass the weathers my worry reet now..." he said reaching for my hand, trying to coax me back to his side.
"I canna go with you!" I snatched my hand away, startling him because he'd assumed we'd skipped over the theatrics.
"Aye a where are y'gonna go if you divnt?" he asked eyebrows raised, a small smirk tugging on his lips, like he wasn't half as scared as me. I could only assume that was because he had no idea how much trouble we were really in.
"I don't know a friends..." I said quickly, trying to speak quick enough that he couldn't hear my shivered uncertainty. But he didn't need to hear it because it was there in my eyes on my face, on lips as they trembled not only from the cold.
"Can't call the lad who just saved your life a friend?"
I starred back at him in disbelief, a dumbfounded kind of shock leaving my jaw hung slack.
"Come on lass," he said a little quieter, "a nar somewhere we can go reet, a place that ain't got a side..."
I glanced across the street, tried to consider my choice carefully. Tried not to panic.
I could go back to the hospital, I could use the showers, get the spare clothes from my locker. But if he didn't find me at home the hospital would be the second place Johnny looked for me. I couldn't make anyone there lie for me. Couldn't put anyone else in danger because of me. And I'd lied about my friends. I wouldn't put any of their lives on the line either. I wouldn't force them to look Johnny or Van in the eyes whilst they lied for me on their doorstep. I couldn't do that.
So I took Sam's hand.
"There ain't a place in this whole city that don't have a side," I said softly, his hand just as cold as mine as our fingers linked and he tugged me in closer to his side.
"Thats where you're wrong lass," he said with a small smile, "promise ye, you'll be safe n sound like."
Hey friendos, this is a really really rough blurb but I thought it’d be better to try and jump back into writing now rather than never, so please understand that this is not my best work but just a little fluff of a fic. I think the world needs a little fluff right now anyways so please enjoy and let me know how much you hate it lmfao. I’ll be back with more work if this picks up a bit so please do let me know if you’d continue reading my work.
Sincerely, timeforaciggy.
The apartment was freezing, the only warmth was cuddled into van’s chest. He knew you had to get up but there was nothing more that you wanted more than this moment to last forever. You both begin to start to wake up more and more when the sun finally starts to shine just right through the crack in the blinds illuminating the bedroom you shared, or rather the mattress on the floor of your bedroom you shared. You can feel him gently lay his thumb on the side of your cheek and a gentle kiss on your eyelid. How could you open your eyes and start your day when all you ever wanted was these moments of bliss to just last forever?
“Love, you think your boss will seriously really mind if you're late just one more morning?" he asked, genuine desperation in his gravelly voice made your heart almost ache in awe of how precious he sounded. “Yes, Van. I honestly do-” but of course as soon as you started to trail off as to why, you felt his chest rise and fall as he lets out a heavy sigh. He’s been so understanding and thankfully for the time being it’s not like your job is your absolute main priority, it was mostly spending time with Van, before he went off on to start another leg of festival gigs.
Knowing you wouldn't be able to tag along with him on another tour because of school and your other priorities that just can’t be dropped out of nowhere you knew you had to make a judgement call. Either possibly lose your part time job for being late again on account of not wanting to leave your damn bed and more importantly leave your damn man in bed without you, or, have to get up and deal with another day in a world that lacks so much luster these days, go to a job you hate, and then of course regret not being with the person that actually does give your world luster.
In the end, the decision you made was to spend the time you know you could never buy back with the money you made from your shitty job in the first place. And all you had to say was what Van said when they called to tell you not to bother even coming in the next morning, which of course was just two words, “worth it.”
What an amazing fucking gig but he'll I've missed that band like fuck it was nice to see van again and benji 🥰 but oml I had an argument with a lad bc he full on stepped on the bone of my foot. Someone had a fight with the same bloke, so I'm happy about that 🤣 I also nearly had an elbow in my face but fuck me all fucking worth it
Autumn had been strangely humid up to now, September had been warm and a little claustrophobic, but with October had come a sudden chill. One which had crept in over the course of the evening and left me caught off guard without a coat as I walked home from work.
It was late, too late to be out on my own but the streets were lit and it was a busy night so I wasn't worried. Still, I didn't dawdle on the dark edges of town. I pulled my cardigan tighter around my waist and kept my head down, walking quickly, eyes on my feet and on my breath which condensed in white whispy clouds when it hit the cold night.
There was a fine mist in the air, thin rain, the kind you only really seem to get in the north of England, and it stung my cheeks whenever the wind picked up.
It wasn't the night to be walking in but I didn't have a choice. I'd not passed my driving test and the bus routes near my flat left a lot to be desired. It was a fifteen minute walk from the bus stop to my flat and that was if you were being quick about it.
I shivered as I stopped at the traffic lights. From the bottom of the hill I could see the warm glow of lights in each of the bars, could hear the rabble falling in and out of smoking areas, different songs leaking through open doors and clashing in the middle of the road. The little streams of rainwater running down the middle of the road caught the light from the traffic and the tarmac glistened in pretty shades of red amber and green and had it not been for the cold pinching my nose and stinging my hands I'd have stopped a little longer to admire the scene.
As it was however I was freezing, tired and growing more inpatient by the second. All I wanted was to be home, in my bed, warm and dry and drifting off to sleep.
So I stepped out into the road before the red man had swapped out, I only checked for traffic coming from my right, and when I heard the beeping of someone's horn it was already too late.
Time didn't slow but I did. I froze, my mind blacking out at the sight of the four by four skidding to a halt, travelling too fast to slow before it hit me. I heard someone screaming behind me from the pavement, a woman who sounded like her blood had curdled. Sounded like she'd just watched a girl die.
But she hadn't because somehow it hadn't hit me.
One second I was frozen, gazing at a set of headlights speeding towards me, the next I felt the air knocked out of me, my body flung across the street, my fall to the floor cushioned by someone else.
Someone who lay beneath me just as breathless as I was. Their groaned out "fuck," airy and distant.
I didn't move straight away, too starry eyed and startled to realise that I could move.
"Meadow..." Weezed the lad underneath me, their arm which had been wrapped around my waist loosening so that I might sit up and free their crushed ribs.
I recognised their voice before I recognised the name they'd choked out but when I did my brow knitted in confusion.
How could they possibly know who I was. They'd thrown themselves across the street out of nowhere, they couldn't possibly have known who they were saving before they'd done it.
"Fuckin hell Med," they groaned, their voice tight and breathy as they pushed themselves up, "no one ever teach you the highway code... Them stop look an listen hedgehogs retire before you started school or what..."
When he pushed himself up I realised just who it was who had saved me. My heart dropping to my stomach at the sight of Johnny Bond. One of my "uncles" best friends...
"Were you following me?" I snapped, not surprised by my realisation, nor when rather than deny the obvious truth he just laughed my horror off and shook his head.
"Saved your life Med, now usually.." he said lowering his voice, one arm around my shoulder as he steered me away from the crowd of gawping onlookers, "usually when someone saves your life like, common courtesys to say thank you..."
"You were following me..." I said again, not about to thank him for something he shouldn't have been there to do.
"Aye and it's a good thing too ain't it or you'd be sorry as a pancake splattered across the main road..."
"I told Van to stop spying on me..."
"Ain't spying..."
"Is spying." I growled hands shoved in my pockets not bothering to try and escape his arm around my shoulders, knowing he was only steering me in the direction I was going anyway. To The Angel, my uncles bar at the top of the hill with its halo of neon held above it by two rust iron bars.
I sang there every Thursday and Friday night as per an agreement made between my "uncle" Van and my dad when my dad was still alive and Van had intended to keep him that way. The agreement had been that our family would always work for his, and when my father had been alive that had meant as a soldier, as cannon fodder for whatever malicious scheme Van had planned. Now I was the only member of my family capable of "working" but I was a girl and so the only real use Van had for me was entertainment. So I sang in his bar every weekend and I let him show me off to anyone he thought he could impress with me. Be it my talents or my pretty face.
I resented him for it and I spent my weekends miserable but I did it because it kept my mother safe, looked after, fed and off the streets.
She'd lost everything when my dad had died, Van had taken everything to pay my father's debts until I was the only asset left.
So I'd all but accepted that I'd be doing this for as long as I could and that when I stopped being useful I'd have to find some other way to look after her.
"So.." Johnny trailed, whistling his S to try and cut through my irritation as we walked up the hill towards The Angel. When I didn't say anything he nudged me in the ribs, "how was work?"
"Hard," I said giving nothing away, starring straight ahead and hoping he would leave it at that. I'd always made it clear that singing in the bars was as close to them as I got. Beyond my duty to Van I wanted nothing else to do with any of them. I'd long since learnt however that my wants meant nothing to that man. For example this wasn't the first time I'd caught Johnny Bond spying on me.
"Oh come on treacle don't give us that face..." He chuckled seemingly not understanding the temper on me. The sulk his face had plunged me into.
"I told Van to stop spying on me Johnny and now you're fuckin followin me home from work!" I snapped shoving my hands in the pockets of my hoodie. Still I didn't bother trying to speed up or shrug him off, I knew there was no point arguing with my uncles friends.
"Ah come on ducklin..." he said, his relentless smile effervescent, "you don't get angry wi' your uncle Johnny..." And unfortunately for me he was right. Of all my uncles friends it was my "uncle" Johnny I was most forgiving of. That was probably why Van had tasked him with spying on me. "An anyway it ain't spyin, it's protection..."
"And if I turn down your protection who is it thats gonna start threatening me eh? Me uncle Larry?" I asked with a childishly bitchy smile.
"Don't be like that Meadow," he warned, his tone friendly enough, the look in his eyes just serious enough to remind me who I was and who I worked for. The choices I really had, how few.
"Oh come on uncle Johnny you don't get mad at your little ducklin" I narrowed my eyes at him, the sweet smile I gave him a saccharine threat.
"No," he said, the arm around my shoulder tucking me into his side a little closer, "luckily for you, I don't..." But when he kept me tucked into his side as we walked I knew he wasn't finished, that this argument was going to carry on until I relented and gave in.
"Been a year now Johnny, whoever killed me dad hasn't even tried to come for me and me mam..."
"As long as you work for Van," he cut me off, "there'll be a price on your head... And Meadow doll between you and me eh, your dad pissed off a lot of people in his life..."
"But that ain't got owt do with me." I crossed my arms over my chest stubbornly, stopping where I stood outside the side door to the Angel. Behind the door I could hear music playing, could hear the rumble of the regulars chat getting louder by the second.
When I stepped up to the microphone I'd hush the whole room, but for as long as I remained outside arguing with Johnny they'd carry on shouting over one another and the songs playing from the jukebox.
"That don't stop vengeful men and you know it love," he said lighting s cigarette and nodding to the door. "Go on inside it's cold, left you a little present in the back room..." He said with a soft smile, blowing his cigarette smoke up to the sky so as not to let me breath it in. A courtesy which was unnecessary because I'd smoked my way through work that day anyway, uncle Johnny just didn't know it.
"A gift?" I raised my brow cynically, knowing I was being cold and a little unfair. Johnny had always been soft on me and the odd gift left in the back room, or on my doorstep wasn't exactly unusual.
So I left him behind to smoke his cigarette and shiver in the evenings cold, his breath rising before him like dry ice.
Inside the bar it was warm and dark, the condensation on the windows catching the red and blue of the fairy lights strung up in the windows. I shrugged my hoodie off as I moved between the lazily discarded furniture which littered the back room. I noted with a smirk the chair whose arm I'd watched get snapped off the weekend before. A drunken brawl had broken out over a spilt pint and a game of darts and when Johnny had stepped in to diffuse the situation he'd drawn blood with the broken arm he'd dug into the neck of the man who'd kicked off.
He hadn't done any real damage though, Johnny was always careful. Far more careful than any of the other men I spent my weekends with at The Angel.
I smirked as I walked my fingers along the splintered wood, remembering how Johnny had turned back to me where I stood behind the bar, how he'd bowed down elegantly to me and blessed me to "sing him out."
Ever the comedian, the eccentric, and always so charming when it came to me.
That was when I saw the "gift" he'd left hanging from the mirror on the wall. I couldn't help but smirk and roll my eyes at the floor length deep blue velvet dress he'd left for me to wear that evening. The set of black balled slippers I wore every week left neatly for me too. However if I'd thought the dress was the gift I was sorely mistaken.
"Fuck sake John," I smirked sighing as I reached to take the dress down from the hanger. It was ever so soft between my fingers as I held it, admiring the rich night sky shade of blue. It would suit me perfectly, I'd look, as Johnny often told me, divine.
I shimmied out of my jeans and studied myself in the mirror. The outline of my tired working girls body making me feel completely unworthy of the luxury Johnny was always showering me with.
I had a bruise on my waist from having been kicked by a patient at the hospital where I worked two days ago and all my muscles ached when I tried to bend or stretch. It spread across my abdomen like an ugly purple flower, yellowing at the edges turning that sickly shade of green which bruises so often fade to.
"Oh well," I sighed softly to myself as I stepped into the dress and closed my eyes.
When the back door opened I didn't flinch because I knew it would be Johnny and when I felt warm fingers on my lower back I let John examine the damage.
"This from work or do I need to pay someone a visit tonight ducklin?" He asked, his voice soft and low, full of a concern so genuine that for a moment it was easy to forgive him for having followed me there and back again.
"It's from work Johnny don't worry about it..." I shook my head stepping out of the hold his hand on my waist had me cupped in gently.
"Get a new job and maybe I won't," he said with a smirk, turning me around to look at him, holding my chin between his fingers before patting my cheek. "Such a canny lass."
"What's all this for Johnny?" I asked checking my face in the mirror and looking for the lipstick I left in the drawer,"Van trying to impress someone tonight or?"
"That hurts Meadow," he frowned reaching his hand into his jacket pocket, taking out a little red box, "you know I don't buy you presents for anythin like that.."
"Then why?" I turned back to him with a frown, a frown which only etched deeper when he told me to turn back around.
"Cause," he shrugged brushing my hair from my neck as he spoke. His fingers moved lightly over my skin, just cool enough to leave goosebumps, "I think the prettiest girl in the world deserves the prettiest things..." he sneered sarcastically at me in the mirror before placing a silver choker around my neck, fastening the clasp delicately.
"Johnny no!" I gasped starring back at my reflection in awe, my hand hovering above my heart in shock, "I can't accept this..." I said gazing back at what was the most beautiful piece of jewellery I'd ever seen.
"Ahh come on now ducklin it ain't that bad is it?"
"Is it..." I trailed off catching my bottom lip between my teeth, hesitating to ask him because it felt rude, "is it stolen?"
His crooked smile lingered then, a chuckle escaping him only cut off when he saw the seriousness in my eyes as I hesitated to brush my fingers over the diamonds which studded the silver stems entwined around my neck.
"No doll," he said brushing my hair away from my cheek, his breath warm as it fanned over my jaw.
He was stood so close to me then that I was sure I could feel his heart beating just behind mine. The delicate way he held me with his arms around my waist, his cheek skimming my cheek, making it hard for me to think straight.
"Then why..." I started, my voice barely a trembling whisper. I was stunned, I couldn't take my eyes off the glistening jewels, the tiny flowers and silver leaves which now adorned my neck.
"It looks like a meadow don't you agree?" He asked letting his own fingers dance over the glittering stones, the celestial meadow he'd given to me.
"Uhuh," I said though his answer really wasn't sufficient to stop my clouded thoughts.
"Well then," he said with a small smirk, stepping away from me leaving me suddenly aware of the chill in the room, "I think that answers your question ducklin,"
"Believe me Johnny it does not..."
"Well that's a shame doll," he said offering me a lazy smile as he gestured to the door which lead onto the stage, "because your adoring fans await and the hour grows later by the second..."
I followed his gaze to the clock on the wall and sighed because he was right and I knew there was no more time left to waist together in the back room. I had a job to do after all and even if Van wasn't trying to impress anyone in particular this evening he wouldn't be impressed if I walked onto that stage late.
"I'll have a drink sent up to you," he said pulling me into a lazy hug, kissing my cheek before I pulled away and turned my back on him. I only hesitated for a moment before turning back to catch one last glance at the only friendly sight I'd see for the rest of the evening.
"Uncle Johnny..." I said, my voice surprising me when it shook, it's softness surprising him too so that he turned to me with a small frown. I left us lingering in silence for a second, my voice catching in my throat, a sudden emotion creeping up on me. One which I couldn't quite place.
"Yeah doll?"
"It's beautiful... Thank you..."
"Like I said..." He shrugged stepping into the open back doorway, sending me a wink, one final soft touch.
Then he left me alone to walk out onto the stage. One last breath, one last moment of peace before I had to become someone else. An ice cold, celestial girl. An angel with an angels voice. Pristine...
But it was easier to pretend when I was decorated with Johnny's gifts and as I stepped up to the microphone and the room bristled with expectation, I felt all the more grateful for his kindness. Because every set of eyes in the room had turned to me. I couldn't see them because the lights were so bright but I could feel them. So many sets of eyes watching me. All those people awaiting my first song.
I didn't usually get stage fright, I wasn't generally a nervous girl, but that night something felt different.
That night for the first night since I'd started working those long evenings at The Angel, I felt watched.
I just didn't realise why until it was much too late.
If there's anyone out there still interested in The Groupie, I've bought her back, with the bands names, she's here
Obviously after the reporting thing on wattpad I'm being kinda careful hence why she's on a side blog. I might password protect it too depending how stuff goes.
Anyways the almost whole thing should be up over the next few days!!
