I rewatched Nimona today during work cause it's slow, I have all my homework done and there's still time left during my shift.
Well, yesterday, my mom and I watched a documentary about the LGBTQ+ movement and how it skyrocketed after the death of Matthew Sheppard, a gay man killed for being gay and it warned us about the slurs and the potentially triggering images of his injuries.
When I saw them, I went "I've seen worse in television" except those injuries killed him. I paused at that thought because I live in a world where it is scary to be a female who can't get reproductive care. I live in a world where I am a gay female who can't get reproductive care. I live in a world where I am a gay female who is proud and scared to be proud of myself who can't get reproductive care and it's because of people who have hurt people like Matthew.
I was watching the documentary and hearing his friends recount how much of a good person Matthew is, after he passed away, I almost cried. Looking at his wounds, that he died from, I almost cried today.
What does this have to do with Nimona?
I have watched that movie over ten times, and not once have I almost cried from that story. I didn't cry over the comic story line, I didn't cry during the movie. I almost cried during this run because I got some fucking insight into what we as a society have faced. And it made me realize how sheltered I am. Not was, but am.
My mom doesn't have a straight kid to her name (biological kid mind you, her nephew and my cousin is still figuring things out but I do believe he is straight (which is not wrong)) and she is so lucky because she has proud kids who are proud of being who they are and there is that fear as a parent I would assume that is "will there be someone who is going to hurt my babies?" cause she's a mom. That is her job to worry.
My mom is lucky because she hasn't needed to bury any of her kids for being themselves. My mom is lucky that she hasn't needed to bury any of her daughters due to rape, or any assault. My mom is lucky she hasn't lost any of her daughters because the world is full of shit.
I'm still sheltered, but the Matthew Sheppard story opened my eyes a little bit that he died for being himself and he isn't alone in the slightest. Not for gays, lesbians, transgenders, bisexuals, asexuals, or all of the above. My mom is lucky, my two sisters are lucky, I'm lucky, but we live in a world where if you don't face it, you tend to be sheltered.
At least that's what my experience is, and it's scary.
Sorry for the mindless rant but it's been running amok since yesterday and then soon after rewatching Nimona and it's just... a lot to think about and how we are reverting to being a bigoted society and it's scary to think about.
I feel like this shouldn’t need to be said, but from some comments and messages I’ve got, it apparently does:
If someone podficced something of yours and you didn’t sing their praises, comment and kudos that shit, and encourage your friends to listen to it too -
Come to my house so I can punch you directly in the face.
Same for art that was gifted to you, fics that were written for you (barring any that triggered you or other substantial issue), or any other way that someone else in fandom tried to show you appreciation and love, even if it wasn’t 10/10 top quality whatever - someone took the time and effort and you can goddamn say thank you
I just want to say I got excited after the fnaf movie cause during the credits they played TheLivingTombstone’s Five Nights at Freddy’s fan song and I saw some people ahead of us in the seats up and dancing.
When we all left the theater I saw one was dressed up as Michael from fnaf 4. Another was the purple guy security guard. I was in full getup for Circus Baby (it’s my costume for Halloween at work so I figured it was needed.) my friend went as toy Bonny and another went as Fun Time foxy.
During the movie I saw plot points from the books and I saw plot points uncovered from the games. And I saw new plot points all of which were so great and caused my friend to happy stun through the entire thing.
When I saw MattPat in the movie my friend and I held each other and kept the other from screaming so loud, but everyone did squeal when he did the thing.
As someone who watched Mark play through the games when I was at my lowest mentally and use his and Jacks Let’s Plays to get me through my darkest times, it was beautiful. I got excited for the pillow fort scene with the animatronics because they were kids who wanted to play.
I was so happy to be there with most of my friends and show one of them a new series to get into previous to Security Breach.
Oh and no one objected when I played fnaf songs on our way to the music theater and on our way back home. I talked about fnaf lore with my friend to the theater and on my way home and I have never been so happy with my friends and with myself before and it felt nice.
So I was watching Pewdiepie's "Animal Crossing with Marzia" last night, and goddamn they both have better islands than I do :O Felix has a literal urban city while Marzia's island is based off of Japan, and they're both fucking amazing. Plz type it in ur search bar on YouTube bc yall need to appreciate how creative they both are when it comes to construction. Yall will be amazed.
I need to go on a rant here. Normally, I'm not so openly "hey, that sucks, quit it," because I don't like confrontation and especially not about something that really is so trivial in the long run, and I don't want to be yet another antagonistic douchebag on here or the internet in general, but I'm so so so so so so so so exhausted.
This got longer than I intended, so I'm going to put it under a read more, but, fr... Some people on this site really know how to take something that is fun and enjoyable and turn it into some way to be insufferable and preachy as though it actually matters at all irl.
Most of the time when I block someone, I don't even want to. Tumblr just doesn't have a "mute this post" option and I get tired of seeing the same posts shown to me for months on end sometimes in the tags tab when there's always new shit they could be showing me, instead. Which is fucking frustrating as shit and I really wish they'd add that as an option. But, occasionally, I see someone with a take so fucking bad, or so judgemental about how people here feel about literally fictional people who don't actually exist, or they take things people say about those characters way too literally and use it as a way to be self-righteous and lecture everyone, and, yeah... There are a few characters in particular from different things that have made me block some people because I'm tired of seeing their "bUt ThIs FiCtIoNaL cHaRaCtEr HuRt PeOpLe" shit pop up when I'm just trying to appreciate good art and fun writing.
The world isn't tumblr, man. Idk what else to tell you. I can enjoy a villain or generally non-a-good-person character, or even find something sympathetic about them, while still acknowledging that they're not a good person and would be terrifying if they really existed. I can even say something like, "Man, I wish he/she/they were real because I'd bet a hug could fix them," without actually meaning that or truly believing it (or even legitimately wish I could give them a hug for whatever reason and still understand that it wouldn't fix them, nor would it be a good idea if this were a real person, nor do I actually wish this were a real person).
I can find the nuance of the character, and discuss where their trauma or whatever else might have played a big part in shaping them without excusing what they did. I can point out how if xyz in their lives had gone different, or if other external factors weren't in play, they might not have become the awful person they became without "babying" or "coddling" the character.
I can also just feel really, really fucking bad for a fictional character, or feel sorry for them without it having to translate into "oh, but you wouldn't feel that way if they were real." Yeah. You're right. I probably wouldn't. Good thing they're not real, then, huh? And I am saying this as someone who has had many awful people in my life. I am saying this as someone with PTSD who has had to come to terms with the fact that I will spend the rest of my life unable to fully unpack and move on from all that happened to me because of those awful people...
I CAN STILL LIKE SHITTY CHARACTERS. BECAUSE THEY ARE JUST CHARACTERS.
As someone who has survived abuse from multiple abusers for most of my life, I would never have warm, fuzzy feelings about an irl abuser 🤷🏻♂️. But a fictional character, who is fictional, so we can write fiction about them, and nobody was actually really harmed by them so we can discuss ways they could have been redeemed? Or even why I don't think they could be redeemed, but I love them anyway , purely as a really good villain? Surely.
We can talk about them in these hypotheticals because, once again, these are fictional people who have done fictional bad things to other fictional people. So long as nobody is trying to absolve these characters (and I'm not talking about joking and saying something like "(character) did nothing wrong" when it's actually a joke just because you love a character a lot), or excuse the shit they've done, who gives a fuck? I make that distinction because, yes, people irl have gone through stuff certain characters have done and it's harmful for people to see apologists when that shit unfortunately does happen irl. And it is also incredibly important to note that there are some concepts or whatever that are harmful, even in a fictional capacity.
But, for the most part, it ain't that deep. And as someone who loves villains/antagonists/anti-heroes, I'm so fucking tired of seeing that shit crop up about various characters. Or seeing people rationalize being angry about people enjoying a character because they relate too much to the character and "nobody shows me that compassion" and, like... Again, that's something I've seen multiple times. I'm not addressing a specific person, because I've seen this numerous times with numerous characters across numerous fandoms, and... I really don't know how else to say that that is very much a you problem. We can sympathize with a fictional character because they haven't actually hurt anyone, but if you're standing here like, "I've been a shitty person for all of these same reasons, but nobody feels bad for me," ok, well, what work have you done to not be shitty anymore? Because you are very much a real person who has been shitty to real people who then have to really live with the real consequences of your real actions. It's so not the same thing. At all. Stop lecturing people about enjoying fictional characters just because the people you've hurt don't forgive you??? Or because people don't try to make you feel better about the shitty things you've done to other people???
It's also so easy to just not engage. Do you know how much fanfic I skip over entirely because I'm super uncomfortable with the subject matter? Or how often I feel uncomfortable when I find someone who does really good work in whatever artistic medium they do, but most of it is shit that makes me uncomfortable? But I'm not making posts about how they're awful for it, nor am I in their fucking dms or asks on anon telling them that they're awful. I just don't engage with the work that I don't want to look at by those people.
Again, yes, there are absolutely things that should be addressed and should be called out, regardless of whether it's fictional or not (like, anything gross involving characters that are minors bc, yeah, wtf is wrong with you if you do that?). But simply enjoying a fictional character or discussing why you have some compassion or sympathy for them isn't one of those things.
Stop it. And if you really are "like this character," whichever fictional bbeg it is, reflect on that and, idk, actually work on yourself and maybe people might be more inclined to have sympathy and compassion for you, too? Don't take it out on everyone else just trying to live their lives and enjoy something and have a bit of escapism from this hellscape we live in just because the real people you've hurt have chosen to cut ties with you and not forgive you.
I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm so fucking over it, guys. I'll go back to being generally quiet and otherwise soft and sweet, now.
Okay, so I gotta admit, I've been busy with doing nothing. And honestly it got messy. I had garbage all over my room, I was sleeping under piles of clothes that were all over my bed and comforter (hence under and not on), and all of my hang up was all over my chair by my computer. My computer was even covered in crap.
But, I finally got over nothing by cleaning up, and you want to know what that thing was? Reading. I was reading more, so I was cleaning more. (Also, if I can't be there for myself, how can I be there for my chosen family when they need someone to help them?)
It's been over a month and hopefully I can bring myself to start writing again. I miss it, I've been thinking about it and what I could do with it and everything and I just rotted and did nothing and let things get messy by my nothing.
I want to do better, I do, but I can only do so much. I have hopes to get some help starting with planned parenthood and get some hrt or hormone balancers or something and get something for my periods cause at 24 those shouldn't still be causing me issues and they are.
I also, learning that I am fully nonbinary, and not being recognized as such (or even as a non-female) makes it harder to get out of the pit that allows me to do that nothing that makes everything muddy and messy. But my sibling helped me get some men's clothing and I have a binder as well but there's still a journey for me to be on.
And guess what? I wrote this on my computer that was covered in clutter and garbage and mess. Look at me getting my ass in gear and cleaning up my room (in minecraft terms my room is probably a 4x3 block space, which is not a lot of room and is still cluttered but not as much).
