#celes rants

[wheremyheartrots]

Ngl Tumblr gives me stress to be on for reasons I can't explain. I think it might be the endless discourse and how mean people here can genuinely get, like twitter but without as many nazis. My anxiety p e a k s dude, probably a sign I shouldn't be on here for my own health or like get the courage to post some art and dip for a thousand years.

[coffee-and-corsets]

Reminder that the idea that queer is a slur is 100% exclusionist propaganda designed by terfs and other exclusionists and aimed at the younger generations of LGBTQIA+ people. By the time they (and I) were growing up, queer was not just the word people had rallied and coalesced around, it was an established academic term. As in Queer Studies and Queer History.

Get to the kids who are disconnected from their communities, especially in rural areas, and convince them the word people have used to forge that community is a slur and now they will never be able to connect with anyone but you, which is great for convincing them that people who use that word are A Problem and Don't Belong. Even though those are the people who sometimes literally died in the fight.

If it's not a word that you yourself personally are comfortable or happy with I get that, particularly if you have specific trauma around it, but that simply is not enough to call a word a slur.

[coffee-and-corsets]

Ngl seeing photos and posts of people like, going out and being in restaurants and getting in groups (even outdoors) shit is high key triggering as fuck to me at the moment, especially non-vaxxed people to the point that I find myself, every. day. Asking myself if I am the one being dramatic and taking it too seriously.

And then I look at the numbers, and listen to the interviews and press conferences, and realize no I am not being crazy people need to continue staying at home and ordering takeout.

I want to see my grandfather again and it's been over a year. Feeling very grateful that the mayor had refused to remove city restrictions even with the state reopening

[coffee-and-corsets]

Today I am having a lot of feelings about the fluidity of poverty in the united states and how my family, and thus myself moved in and out of it over the years.

I am only a generation and a half from 'white trash'. My maternal grandparents clawed their way into the middle class, my paternal family embezzled and criminally sealed their way in, and neither side truly escaped.

But I did. For now. With a good bit of sacrifice and work, yes, but also a fuck ton of privilege and luck. When I was born my maternal family was still nicely in the middle class. They owned their home and a rental property. My paternal family was doing as well enough, my father a land owner and his mother having reasonable income.

Yet I was surrounded by addiction and poverty even then. My mother went on SNAP, her parents sold the one home too fast and moved into the other and it was a downhill trajectory from there. My father still owns the land but doesn't have running water most of the time, and my sister and I helped dig the basement. With shovels.

We neve moved out of my grandparents home, and I started working and paying bills at 17. My tuition was paid through a combination of pell grants, a Carson scholarship, and mostly 35+ hour work weeks often up to 60 hours. I got lucky, in high school I inherited 10k from a woman I don't have any memories of. But a sizeable portion of that money, and of the savings bonds won at schools for academic and attendance performance, was actually used to fund my family's struggles instead of my own goals. Paying the property taxes, fixing the truck, etc. BUT - we owned the home outright and multiple vehicles. I never had to rely on public transit or worry about homelessness. These things let me eventually graduate without loans.

Even still, eventually my mother lost her ability to work. I became the primary income. Even now years later having just bought my own home, I still put money to the family monthly. My grandparents are moving back in because they are trying to condense the expenses to make them manageable between themselves and my mother's boyfriend. My moving out was a huge financial hit to the household.

All of this to say - I know that it might end up that I sometimes look like a firmly occupy a class status that doesn't match the things I have to say. I'm hyper aware of this. If you have not experienced it you may not see how easily people can fall in and out of this.

[coffee-and-corsets]

Covid really got me fantasizing about being able to publicly destroy someone and ruin all their relationships.

Anyways I apologise for my semi public breakdown but also I will not stop.

I'd like it to be know that I held a lot of compassion for this person and put myself in direct danger, in hindsight so so much more than I ever realized, up until I came to the undisputable conclusion that they are at best a racist predatory fuckwit and at worst....so much worse that I don't even know how to describe it

But either way I'm gonna have a lot of fun exposing the fuck out of them when the opportunity arrives

[coffee-and-corsets]

Really gonna have to spend like three fuckin grand on my teeth again motherfuckers

I KNOW that the issue is I still have my wisdom teeth, and they keep pushing shit out of alignment and that's why I ended up with a root canal that has now been reinfected a SECOND time. Buy I convinced myself that if that were really what was happening, then the dentist, who has seen my x-rays and knows I still have wisdom teeth, would have said 'yeah you need to do this first or this will happen again in a year or so' because they are healthcare providers who are supposed to act in my best interest

[coffee-and-corsets]

Imma be real with y'all there's not a single fucking sob story you can tell me about how you deserve a normal Thanksgiving or holiday or whatever in the middle of a pandemic.

Literally not a single one.

I get it. Everything sucks. I spent two years pretty isolated when I moved for my partners job. And we JUST moved back to put home state near our friends and families literally a month before the pandemic hit, most of which was spent using all of our free time to move all of our shit across states.

I haven't seen my grandparents this whole time.

I haven't seen my siblings. One of which I think I will get the call she's been found dead literally every day.

The last time I saw my mom it was to drive her to have her cat put down.

We didn't see my partners great grandmother, the matriarch of his family, and then she fucking died while her son was in a goddamn icu. And we still haven't really him either.

I -know- this is hard. And it only gets fucking worse when people refuse to just suck it up and shelter in place because they're sad or tired of don't like Covid. No one fucking likes Covid. No one likes this shit.

I fucking hate holidays but I miss my grandfather terribly. And the reality that I've been coming to is that he very well may die during this pandemic - both my grandparents are deteriorating by the day. But not even that is worth me trading other people's lives by potentially spreading this fucking deadly virus.

[coffee-and-corsets]

I fucking hate Kylo "Thirty-year-old genocidal predator" Ren and will not back down on this.

I have known many a man like that. One tried to shoot me.

None of them deserve forgiveness.