Badass Heracles & the Cercopes
I’m a sucker for a good story. Now, don’t get me wrong. I was a news guy for a long time, and – unlike many of today’s politicians – I know that facts do matter. But give me a good myth or fable to relax with, and I’m a happy guy.
The ancient Greeks and Romans were masters of mythology. They shared many of the same tales, but the names were changed to protect the innocent. Actually, very few of the characters in mythology were innocent.
Take the guy the Greeks called Heracles and the Romans called Hercules. Same guy, same stories. The greatest hero of his age. You probably know all about his Twelve Labors (if not, you can read about them on Wikipedia or watch the old movies on YouTube). The Labors involved a lot of fighting and smiting, stealing and wheeling and dealing.
Yup, Heracles/Hercules was a real badass. Literally, as it turns out.
In the midst of his Twelve Labors, Heracles had a run-in with a couple of devious little sneak-thieves known as the Cercopes. They were the sons of a fortune teller (who went by several names, depending on who was telling the story, but the name I prefer for her is “Sexmonis” because, well, why not?). The mother warned the little stinkers to “stay away from Melampygus.” It’s not clear that the mischievous kids knew that “melampygus” is usually translated as “black-bottom” or “black-butt.” And they clearly didn’t remember my post from way back on the word “callipygian,” which has that same “pygus” root and is used to describe a “nicely-shaped buttocks.”
Anyway, these brats came upon Heracles while he was sleeping, and tried to rob him. Bad move. He woke up, grabbed them, and tied them to a pole by their ankles. Then, Heracles heaved the pole onto his shoulders and took a walk, while deciding how he would kill them. The cercopes, hanging there upside-down, had a good view under the lion’s skin Heracles was wearing. As they bounced up and down, they got a long look at his arse, covered in black hair and darker than the rest of him, and they burst out in laughter. “Oh,” they probably chuckled, “Melampygus. Now we get it!”
Heracles presumably asked them (in Greek), “What’s so damn funny?”
“Your arse. Your hairy black arse. You’re a badass.”
“Yeah, mother warned us about the guy with the black butt.” And they started laughing again.
Instead of chopping off their heads – which would have been more in keeping with his usual personality – Heracles started laughing himself. He was so amused, he let the pair go, unharmed.
That would have been the end of the story, but a short while later, the cercopes ended up annoying Zeus, the king of the gods of Mount Olympus. Big mistake. Zeus turned them into monkeys…which was only fitting, because the word “cercopes” means “men with tails.”
