#chained writings

[melodiousramblings]

Me: *thinking in the shower* Mmm, I could really go for Panera today. Been feeling like shit and I could use a treat.

Me: *gets out of shower, hears sizzling in the kitchen* …Mom, what are you making?

Mom: *insert one of my favorite dishes here*

Me: oh! (Well okay, I don’t mind that!)

Me: *puts on various lotions and gets dressed*

Me: *leaves room* Ok, I’m here.

Mom: What?

Me: Is the food not ready?

Mom: Your grandma hasn’t sent up the *insert favorite part of said dish*

Me: ……………………… (Hello darkness my old friend…)

…

The context is that my grandma doesn’t make it anywhere near as good as my mom does. So the whiplash of looking forward to treating myself to some food I like to somewhat settling for one of my favorite dishes to THEN find out that it’s possibly likely going to be a disappointment is just…

I’m tired. I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired I’m tired

[melodiousramblings]

when did I become so boring? this mindless, brainless, stupid shell of a thing unoriginal undesirable unique in the worst ways a soulless mirror, annoying parrot always in the way shouting with nothing to say nothing to contribute to anything when did I lose my voice? or did I ever even have one at all? surely I did surely I had one once but where did it go and when how did I not notice until now when the hollow echo of my empty chest suffocates me when my head pounds with its own useless lead weight this moment will pass it’ll pass yes, it’ll pass until the next one until the reminder suckerpunches the air from my stomach all over again. and again. and again worthless worthless nothing

ignore me, i’mhaving a hard time with my self-esteem

[melodiousramblings]

Reminder: You are worthwhile. The sun will always shine again, just wait for it. Someone out there cares about you. Have some tea and read a fic when you’re lonely. You are good enough, with or without validation.

[melodiousramblings]

days            like today

    remind me of days                                               like then

of times,    where,    I was lost in d a r k n e s s      //but in hindsight//      i   was   the   most   free   i’d   ever   been

Theysayitgetsbetter                             ...and it did... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . butthenitgotworse.

Or it is better? Is it both?

     d0 1 f331 b3tter       or d0 1 f331 w0rse        or d0 1 f33l the s4me     ...     ...     ...     in DiFfErEnTways

Am i just more resilient

a tired soul . s        u       r      v     i    v   i  n g .    . .  .   w    a     i      t       i        n         g

w   w   w   w   w   w   w   w   w   w  a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a   a          waiting   i   i   i   i   i   i   i   i   i   i    t   t   t   t   t   t   t   t   t   t          waiting     i   i   i   i   i   i   i   i   i   i      n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n   n          waiting       g   g   g   g   g   g   g   g   g   g

[melodiousramblings]

T h e s o u l l e s s w h i t e w a l l s a n d u n s e e n c h a i n s o f a t i n y r o o m i n a s u f f o c a t i n g h o u s e . T h e w a y t o o m u c h , m u c h t o o m u c h p a d d i n g o f a t i r e d , a c h i n g , u n d e s i r e d b o d y . T h e d a r k a b y s s a n d e m p t y v o id o f a b r o k e n , m a l f u n c t i o n i n g m i n d .

H o w s a d i t i s , t o b e a p r i s o n e r o f a l l t h r e e .

[melodiousramblings]

Mom: Hey! Remember your cousin *insert name here*? You know, my sister *insert name here*’s son? The older one?

Me: *pauses YouTube video* :))) Yeah I remember. (LMAO yeah I remember that cousin. This is the cousin who went to medical school and became a doctor and you always marveled about him and talked about how you wished you had a son like him and totally made me feel like shit every time you brought him up.) <- (She doesn’t do this anymore, the part where she constantly compared us and made me feel like shit about it. And she hasn’t done it for years. Yeah, she still marvels about him whenever she talks about him, but *shrug* Sure whatever yeah ok.)

Mom: He has a son now! He’s 3 months old. :D

Me: Ooohhh, cool. *nods, unpauses YouTube video and continues eating*

…

Mmm, that’s the third cousin of mine (younger than me) who’s had a kid. Cool cool cool.

*searches gifs* ………Hm, no Yoda scream…

^ Yeah ok that’ll do.

Don’t get me wrong, I do NOT want kids. EVER. But idk how the fuck I’m supposed to feel when mom updates me on these things. Like??? Ok???? Great???? Good for them???? Meanwhile I have a nightmare job and the main highlight of my week is the 3-4ish hour block where I stream on Saturday afternoons and play my silly little games and talk to my lovely internet friends who (for some reason I can’t fathom) come to watch my streams. And there is NO shame is that, absolutely not! But like??? Is there ever gonna be anything more for me??? Would be nice to fall in love again… someday…?

Ugh, please don’t answer that. I don’t want an answer or advice, I’m just venting. I’m fucking tired. I’m gonna go and write my blorbos with my best friend who I love and is awesome. Yeah.

[melodiousramblings]

Ugh, listening to my mom talk about old boyfriends and/or men that had been interested in her is so fucking jarring. She could never ever ever possibly understand how I feel. I know things are extremely different now as far as dating goes, but still. She could never possibly understand me.

[melodiousramblings]

My head roars with the thunderous echo of my self-hatred.