you'll know when he misses you
Warnings: swearing (minimal, though).
“Pentland,” Dan fires back, keeping his eyes trained on his computer screen. It’s ironic to him–the people “spying” on civilians computers have to use computers. Who’s watching their computers?
“It’s ‘New File Friday,’” Louise announces in a sing-song voice, swiveling her chair around Dan’s so that she can place a beige folder much too close to his face. “And you’re the contestant for today’s lottery.”
Dan snatches the folder out of her manicured grip. “Thanks, Louise,” he mutters, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Just what I wanted for my birthday.”
“I thought you didn’t make a big deal about your birthday. You know, being a detective and all that.”
“I’d appreciate not getting extra work, though!” He can hear the whininess in his voice. Even to himself he sounds like a petulant child.
“Besides, I think you’ll like this client.”
“They’re not our clients, Louise. We’re spying on them.”
Louise squawks with offence, “Only because they’re high-profile people! It’s the government, not us.”
“Who is my newest client, Pentland?” Dan growls, looking over the folder to continue typing his report. His last client–some unimportant movie star–was being relocated to another detective. The final report on any suspicious activity was due in about fourteen hours.
“His name is Phil Lester, he’s a YouTuber. His audience knows him as ‘Amazingphil,’” she sets the file down on Dan’s desk. “I emailed you the rest of the information. Don’t be late on the essay, Howell.”
“It’s a final report, Lou, not an essay,” he mutters. “I wish I’d never joined the academy.”
“But then you would’ve never met me,” Louise says, her words dripping with sarcasm.
It’s five a.m. when Dan finally sends the final report. He’s running on coffee and energy drinks (and only some alcohol, he swears). An HR official emails him a sweet and short response, thanking him for his dedication to the person of suspect and signing off with the promise of a new assignment soon.
The way they always word their responses makes it sound like Dan will finally get out of this cycle of only serving person-of-suspect cases. He never does, for some reason Louise simply enjoys watching him squirm as he’s forced to stalk celebrities.
He logs into the only software he’s ever used on his computer–it allows him to have the screen of the person he needs to gather information. He tends to just leave the tab open and pull open the recordings from the microphone and the camera on the suspect’s computer.
Except for the fact this person–Phil–must be smart enough to put tape over his camera and microphone. Great, now Dan can’t do his job.
It’s okay. Some tape doesn’t truly stop the agents. Dan pulls open the tab for Philip’s mobile and opens up the mic and camera. No one tapes up their microphone or camera for their phones–it’s too inconvenient for them, but very convenient for the agents.
This Philip man is interesting, to say the least. Dan isn’t sure what about him capitivates him so much, but something does, and Dan doesn’t end up putting the case on a stall for a food break until eight a.m.
For any other agent, three hours of watching isn’t enough for one shift, but for Dan, it’s more than enough. Seeing as the other agents have to log more hours since they actually go home. Dan doesn’t, on the contrary, he stays in the office until the assignment is done or until Lou forces him back to his flat.
Phil, whose microphone had been silent until now, finally speaks. “Hey guys! Hi! Welcome to the show, everyone.”
His voice nearly makes Dan fall out of his chair before he regains composure and focuses his attention away from his caffeine and towards the screen. On Philip’s screen is a website that Dan barely recognizes–only because other celebrities have used it before–YouNow. It’s different than the liveshows his other assignments have done before–most simply talk about themselves and ignore the frantic chat. Phil doesn’t, though. He takes the time to say ‘hi’ to new people in the chat and then goes through and answers questions.
“‘How has your day been?’ Asks Sam. Tiring, thank you,” he doesn’t sound tired, he sounds quite the opposite. His voice is happy and light and it makes Dan’s heart soar. “‘What’s with the impromptu livestream?’ Asks Katie. Well, Katie, I was editing a video but it’s not going the way I wanted so I’m taking a break to vent my frustrations,” his eyes skim through the chat. “All of you are asking when the video comes out. Um, no promises, but let’s say… Tuesday. Maybe.”
The chat speeds up more, with people asking why he’s up so early. “Oh, I didn’t fall asleep.”
Is it another sleepless night with Phil? Someone types into the chat. Phil shrugs, and repeats, “No promises.”
That intrigues Dan more than it should. He plugs in the headset and goes to the channel Amazingphil. Skimming through the content, it’s easy to see why he has so many subscribers. His whole demeanor is so real and joyous. There’s a vibe that Philip gives off that Dan can only describe as real.
Dan finds himself watching some of Phil’s newest videos–for work of course. Then he clicks on the autoplay option, and he finds himself watching all of Phil’s videos–new and old. For work, he tells himself, but he knows it’s not really. There’s something about Phil Lester that makes Dan very intrigued by him.
It’s four days later when Dan feels as if he knows every detail of Phil, and he wants to know more.
He’s taken aback by it. He’s stalked nearly every single one of his celebrity crushes and was able to keep his raging fanboy off long enough to complete his assignment. Now, all he wants to do is be Phil’s friend. It’s not even romantic or sexual, he just wants to know who this ‘Phil’ person is.
The true Phil– the Phil who texts his brother to piss off at four a.m.–is different from the online Phil. The online Phil would text his brother back and start a conversation, but real Phil usually just wants to be left alone.
Dan can appreciate that. He too only wants to be left alone.
Seven days into the assignment and Louise finally forces Dan to go home. She claims that sleeping on his desk isn’t good for his back, but he argues that sleeping in his cheap mattress isn’t much better.
It is better, though. When he goes to work the next morning he actually feels like a human being again.
“Howell, HR wanted me to tell you that they want the Phil Lester case back.”
“What?” He says, perhaps a little too defensive. “I’m not done yet!”
“Well, you’ve got nineteen hours before they want the final report.”
The final report. Nothing needs to go in the final report.
Phil isn’t like other celebrities. His messages don’t point to him doing drugs or being an abusive human being. The worst thing he’s done this week was mix vodka with Ribena and watch anime on his computer.
He includes that in his report, a sloppy and rushed essay (damn, he called it an essay) that states how much of a lovely human being Phil Lester is. Then he makes a promise to meet Phil.
It’s not illegal for Dan to add himself as a contact in Phil’s phone, so he does anyways. Sure, it’s morally wrong, but definitely not illegal.
He saves himself as ‘Dan’ with two star emojis after his name, and then shoots a text to Phil’s number. “Hey Phil it’s Dan! We haven’t seen each other in so long!! I was wondering if you wanted to go out and get coffee or something?”
Phil seems like the kind of person to not say that he doesn’t remember a person, and Dan hopes he’s correct in his assumption.
He is, because after two minutes of waiting, Phil has texted: Sure! Starbucks at 2? It’s never too late for a coffee.
Dan smiles to himself and sends a text confirming the time.
Coffee with Phil is nice. He’s simple and he’s kind and Dan feels his heart leap a little bit every time Phil does something cute.
Dan hates the fact that he feels this way.
They laugh and chat their way through their conversation, bouncing from topic to topic.
“This time again? Tomorrow?” Phil sounds so hopeful and eager and Dan can’t help but feel the same way. It’s been too long since he’s talked to someone other than Louise or the HR person that hides behind a screen. He’s missed the feeling of intimacy that comes with conversations.
One coffee with Phil turned into texting every day, and Dan can finally say, with much certainty, that he has found his best friend.
It isn’t overnight that Dan realizes that he and Phil were simply made to be near each other. It’s a gradual realization. He’s lying on Phil’s couch, listening to Phil record a liveshow in the room over, when it hits him how much they simply fit.
If Dan believed in God, he would say that God Himself made them for each other.
Sure, Phil might not know how Dan really found him, and sure they’ll need to talk about it in the future, but for now, Dan is just happy to belong somewhere.
Five months. It’s how long it lasted. A lovely, sweet, short five months, and then Dan had to come clean.
“How come you’re always gone?” Phil asks one day.
Dan thought it over for a moment. “My job,” he finally answers.
“Is it the same reason why you can’t be online?” Phil pressures.
“Yes,” Dan sighs, pausing the show they’re supposed to be watching. “Can we not talk about it? It’s not like I can tell you anything–”
“Because you’re a government official. I know, I know,” he flops dramatically onto the couch. Dan laughs at the gesture. “At least answer me this: do you really spy on people’s computers? You know, like the FBI man meme?”
Dan feels his blood freeze. “Er, well.”
And he comes clean. He tells Phil everything–every secret he’s signed off his soul to protect. Phil’s face ranges from happy, to scared, to disgusted. “Phil, I never planned on telling you, okay? I just–this wasn’t meant to be–”
“You saw everything? You never planned on telling me this?”
“I never could! I broke the law by telling you. Phil, I can go to jail because of this.”
“Good. You stalked me, Dan, that’s so wrong.”
“I never stalked you! I did my job.”
“Was meeting me for coffee part of the job? Were we ever friends before now? Is this all just a ploy to figure out if I’m breaking the damn law?”
“No! Shut up, stop putting words in my mouth. I never said that!”
“You implied it,” Phil states, simply. The fight seems gone and his eyes are ablaze with anger and rage anymore. He’s Phil, albeit, sadder. A bit more broken. “You lied to me. I thought we were best friends Dan. I thought that you and I were something special that could change the world. I, apparently, didn’t judge your character well enough.”
Dan’s heart is gone out the door with him.
Dan tries calling Phil, he really does. It goes straight to voicemail every time. He tells him to call him back please for the love of God.
It isn’t until Louise comes over and asks why the hell he hasn’t been in the office recently that he cries and tells her the story. He omits the section where he breaks the law–no one but Phil and God Himself need to know that Dan has broken the most sacred contract.
She holds him and listens, kissing his hair and rocking him back and forth like she does Darcy. “You need to talk to him. I’m sure he misses you as much as you miss him,” she assures him. Dan just sobs harder because he’s certain that Phil doesn’t miss him at all. “Call from my phone, love. Maybe he’ll answer if it’s not your number.”
Dan takes the phone with shaking fingers and punches in the number for Phil’s cell. “Hello?”
“Dan. I don’t want to talk to you.”
“Please, I’m so sorry, I–”
“You what? Meant to tell me all along? Oh wait, no you didn’t.”
Phil’s end goes silent, to the point where Dan almost hangs up.
Maybe things will be just fine.