The Witness

"I am aware, sure, I am aware. Catastrophically aware." — Sylvia Plath

[catastrophically-aware]

Moments of Stillness || Maria & Zoe

[catastrophically-aware]

castitas-etsuko:

Zoe could see how broken Maria was. Her purpose was unclear, the world was falling apart around her, and there was no way that Zoe could ever understand how she felt. Except, in some ways, she could. She may not have a divine purpose, but she certainly had a weight on her shoulders and this was the only life she was ever going to get. If she screwed this up, if the world ended on her watch, that was a whole other story.

Watching as Maria put distance between them, her insecurities rushing to the surface and spilling out into the room, Zoe sighed and put her hands on her hips. “I know you’re scared. I know better than anyone that you’re scared and exhausted and overwhelmed. I know everything is messed up and nothing is okay. I know that. What you don’t seem to know is that failure is a part of life. You may be half angel, but you’re half human too. Welcome to the planet, we suck at this.”

Rubbing her hand over the non-injured side of her face, she took the cream Maria gave her and automatically began applying it over her stitches continuing, “Just because things have been hard and we’ve been wrong about things does not mean that it’s over. It doesn’t even mean that you’ve failed. Until we reach actual, world is completely over, there-is-no-going-back Armageddon, you haven’t failed. As far as I can tell, we’re still alive. Plus one in the Maria column for that. Do you even think about how many people you’ve saved? How many times you’ve saved me?”

Zoe put the cream down for a moment and grasped Maria’s shoulders gently, forcing her to look at her. “I know this is what you were made for. I know you have the answers somewhere inside that beautiful brain and absolutely no map as to how to get to them. I also know that if you want to be done? If you really want this to be over? Then… okay. Let it go, let it be over. If we do nothing, it’s definitely over.”

Letting her eyes harden a little, determination flickering in them, she finished, “This is the only life I have. This is the only life I am ever going to have and I will be damned if it ends with me not doing the stupidest possible thing to save it. I am always going to do the stupid thing. That’s who I am. And saving the world? Solving the puzzle? That’s who you are. You wouldn’t be here if it was impossible. The universe would not put you in a situation where you could not win. If we don’t? Okay. At least we tried. But there is a way. You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t. And you don’t need me to tell you that.”

Maria sniffed, letting Zoe talk while she continued to pace and try not to be crushed beneath the weight of her guilt and exhaustion. The words were nothing new, she knew that Zoe wouldn’t agree with her self-flagellation and deep down she even knew that Zoe was right, but she couldn’t accept it yet. She was too tired to be logical. 

She stopped pacing when Zoe took hold of her, not quite able to meet her girlfriend’s gaze. The longer she spoke, the more Maria wilted. Her shoulders slumped and she sighed, moving forward to rest her head on the shorter gir’s shoulder. “I’m so tired, Zoe,” she said, her voice breaking slightly. “I can’t quit, I can’t give up...I know that but I’m so tired. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be dumping all this on you, especially now.” 

It was so frustrating to know that she’d been placed here by the universe or God or some force beyond her control to influence things, to change the world, but that was it. No instructions, no assistance from on high. Maria sighed, lifting her head rubbing her face. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” she said softly. “And I know that we only get a short time together and...after I die, if I get another life, it’ll be human. And I won’t remember this one or any of the nephilim ones. And in some ways that’s a good thing. So much has happened this year that I’m eager to put behind me, but you’re not one of those things. I’ll have my journals, when I go get them. And I’ve got photographs. But I won’t...” Her eyes welled with tears again and she shook her head, cutting off and trying to stop them, but she couldn’t. They streamed down her cheeks and made her shoulders shake. Arms crossed tightly around her ribs, she asked, “Does it make me sound too much like a petulant twelve year old to say it’s not fair?”

[catastrophically-aware]

martriome:

Josh, on instinct or habit or what have you, reached out an arm and spread it across Maria’s back; gripping her opposite shoulder in a hopefully reassuring squeeze. He knew that she’d be upset at the disaster that had been the Oscars, their plan not working out quite as they wanted it to. Josh wanted the familiar contact too; still reeling from the discovery that Heath was a farrier, and that he’d been playing with Josh for longer than he’d ever suspected.

A soft ‘hey’ back in response to hers ( before she started speaking more ) and Josh raised his eyebrows in what he hoped was a reassuring expression. He took a deep breath. “Maria,” he said, voice carefully even, “it’s not your fault. You don’t—” he bit the inside of his cheek, looking for the words he thought would be best for the situation. He settled on repeating the first sentiment. “It’s not your fault.”

He pulled her in close, giving his sister a quick kiss on the top of her head. “I’m always here to listen to you, I’m not going anywhere.”

Maria didn’t argue. Fault wasn’t important now, she’d had a plan and the plan failed. People died. She just had to live with it the way she lived with everything else she’d done or failed to do that haunted her memories. She closed her eyes, leaning into his side and accepting the comfort he offered. The relationship of the nephilim was simultaneously simple and extrememly complicated, but no matter what happened, they were family.

She cleared her throat, head still on his shoulder. “I know who the next horseman is, Josh. It’s one of us. For a while I thought it might be Magda, but...I don’t think so anymore,” she said softly. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her head and looked at him. “I think...it’s you.”

[catastrophically-aware]

[catastrophically-aware]

@martriome

Her talk with Zoe had helped some, but Maria couldn’t entirely shake the bone deep weariness and sorrow. She needed to talk to her siblings, Joshua especially. She needed to explain or apologize, to warn him of what she suspected was coming. He’d probably felt it, too. When she found him in the church, she sat beside him, chewing her lip. 

“Hey. So...I haven’t really gotten a chance to talk to you since...you know,” she paused, clearing her throat. “I’m sorry, Josh. I...I thought I had it figured out and I clearly didn’t. I’m, uh, I’m not giving up? But...I don’t know if I can stop this one anymore. And so, uhm, we n-need to talk about some things...”

[catastrophically-aware]

Moments of Stillness || Maria & Zoe

[catastrophically-aware]

castitas-etsuko:

Zoe was exhausted to a degree she had not known even existed. She was incredibly grateful for Josh saving her, having knocked herself out because it was the easiest way of taking down Elijah. The cut through her eyebrow had been stitched up, but she still had a nasty bruise around her eye and down to her cheek bone. After a solid day of rest due to what was obviously a concussion, Zoe had waved everyone away and gotten up to work, unable to be still any longer.

She tried to organize, to plan, to give directives, but she could see that faith was waning and the exhaustion she felt was mirrored in the faces of those she loved. Her congregation was being as brave as they could be, but still not knowing how to defeat the Horsemen after such a widely publicized attack was not something that sat well with anyone. She needed… hope. As much as strategy, as much as a rallying cry, she needed a reason for people to keep believing. 

As she made her way to her office, Zoe grimaced against the aches in her body and sighed. She was exhausted, injured, defeated… but she wasn’t ready to give up yet. They were so close and all they had to do was hold off Death. She opened the door gently, hearing a book hit the wall with a thud and Maria’s exasperated voice. Closing the door behind her, she moved towards Maria and gently pulled the other woman into her arms.

“It’s not. It’s not useless. You’re not useless. You’ve never been, not for a day in your lives. It’s just… hard.”

Smoothing a hand over Maria’s hair, she pressed a kiss to her temple and stepped back to look at her more clearly. She could never understand how hard all of this must be for Maria, how frustrating and hopeless and agonizing it all was, but she knew she was right. She didn’t know how she knew, but her faith in Maria was not misplaced.

Maria started at Zoe’s voice behind her, stiffening at the embrace. She didn’t deserve soft words or a soft touch right now. She should hug her girlfriend back, smile and thank her for the encouragement, check her injuries and force her to rest but she just...couldn’t. Too many people had died, too much had happened and she had failed at every turn. 

“Don’t,” she said softly, her throat tight. “Please. Don’t try to make this okay, none of it is okay. I... I can’t keep doing this, Zoe. Every time I try to help, to fix something I make it so much worse. I just keep getting it wrong. It’s all just wrong.” 

She detangled herself carefully, pacing away a few steps. She should go...Zoe did not need this now. But the words had been bottled up for too long; she had been forcing herself to remain positive, to keep on fighting the overwhelming odds they were facing when everyone else, even God, seemed to give up and she was just so damn tired. She blinked and in the split second her eyes were closed, she was back in that room, tied to a chair facing all her failures. Watching new ones accumulate on the walls. A tear slid down her cheek and she swiped it away. 

“I can’t stop this. Maybe I’m not meant to, maybe this is just it? I was there a the beginning of humanity, it’s only fitting that I should watch it all end,” she said, sniffling as she wiped away another tear. “Joshua is going to become a horseman. I don’t know how to stop it except to suggest that he-- And I don’t even know if that will work. It might not. For all I know that’ll just trigger it. Maybe that’s not a bad thing? To just get it over with. We’re all so tired.” 

Her breath was coming in shuddering gasps now as words continued to tumble out. She wasn’t sure she was making any sense and she felt guilty even as she spoke for laying any of this on Zoe. As if she didn’t have enough on her plate as it was. The course of her pacing brought her back toward the desk and she picked up a small bottle of homemade cream she’d made for Zoe to put on the last injury she’d sustained. The woman couldn’t avoid getting herself injured. It contained witch hazel and other herbs to help promote healing and reduce swelling. She handed it to Zoe as she paced by her. 

“I watch him die all the time, you’d think I’d be used to it but I’m not. I can’t keep watching everyone I love die. Even the f-few times I get to go first it’s not...I still know. I always know. A few years and it’s all back and I remember and no one else does and it’s up to me to find them and remind them and convince them. Maybe it’s better if it just stops? I don’t know.”

[catastrophically-aware]

Moments of Stillness || Maria & Zoe

When: A few days after the oscars Where: Church of Saints Who: @castitas-etsuko

The days since the disastrous attempt to kill the horsemen had been hectic and Maria had leaned into the work to keep herself from dwelling too much on the events of that night. She’d helped with the injured, taking on any responsibilities she could to try and make up for what had happened. Logically, she knew it wasn’t her fault but it was just another in a long line of failures that she felt responsible for. 

Her jobs were done and she’d been sent away to rest, so she’d retreated to Zoe’s office. She strayed over to the bookshelves, several of which had been taken over by her own collection and tried to find some sort of solace in the written words, but there was nothing. She was just so tired. So done. Was this how Joshua felt when the time would come for him to give his life? Is that how he knew it was right? 

Journal in hand, Maria moved to the desk. She hadn’t written down anything that had happened that night and she knew that she needed to, that recording this kind of thing was her purpose, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Her fingers traced the cover of the leather-bound book for a moment, then in a fit of frustration that had been building for months, she hurled the journal across the room. Pages fluttered as the book hit the wall, then the floor. 

“Useless. It’s all just useless. None of it actually helps us so why bother?”

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[catastrophically-aware]

righthandprince:

“I’ll certainly try,” Leviathan said, dark gaze straying to Raziel. For all their immortal grace, they both had a flair for the dramatic – and there was something funny about showcasing it at the Oscars; the kind that almost made her laugh right then and there.

“Stay safe, Maria.”

“Thank you,” Maria said sincerely. She didn’t know what Leviathan had planned and didn’t care as long as it worked. Maria was a little surprised at how quickly Levi agreed to help, she’d grown used to having to convince people, but she certainly wasn’t going to question it. “Safe is pretty relative these days, but I’ll do my best. Be careful.” 

[catastrophically-aware]

Ballroom Blitz || Maria & Kiara

[catastrophically-aware]

mynameis-kiara:

Feet scattering against the floor. Gasps of horror. Screams of pain. Heavy breaths. Kiara focused on these sounds as she watched the chaos ensue. She was, perhaps, the only one in the area not in rush to get out. So, instead, she stood in the middle with a half-cocked grin, gleams of amusement in her eyes. She relished in the power she held. It never got tiring watching the aftermath once she wished voracitosis upon someone or a group of people. Even better, she could play around with the disease and mutate it into an even worse one. The core symptoms remained the same, but she could turn up one of them tenfold, put the body in overload and liquefy organs.

Raziel and Leviathan were screaming at each other in the midst of psuedo-celebrities running past them. Interesting. God and a centuries old demon arguing and throwing obscenities at one another – how could she not watch? She knew them to be involved and oh. That… that was a low blow. Picking up the grail that she set down at a nearby table, she took a long sip from it and loudly smacked her lips. This – this seemed different. More metallic and – rusted? Not rusted exactly, but she could see the age. Furrowing her eyebrows in contemplation, she turned her body around and averted her gaze toward someone who wasn’t seemingly in a rush to get out. 

Maria.

Raising the grail out for the other woman to see clearly, she took another long sip from it and slowly canted her head to the side. “Really?” She questioned with a audible hah, shaking her head in disbelief. “You thought you could kill me with this?”

Maria managed to get in and swap goblets while Kiara’s attention was otherwise engaged, stepping back to see if Horseman would drink. When she picked up the grail, Maria felt a moment of elated excitement. It was going to work. Hot damn, she’d actually done it! And then Kiara drank and.....

Nothing. 

Her face fell, horror flooding her insides. Why... Out of sheer spite Kiara took another drink from the grail, turning to Maria mockingly. Well of course I thought I could kill you with that, she thought bitterly. Why on earth had the horsemen gone to such great lengths to hide the grails if they were useless? Somehow she’d gotten it terribly, terribly wrong. 

Raising her chin slightly, she tried to look nonchalant. “Can’t blame a girl for trying can you?” she asked, taking a half step back. She didn’t want to leave without the real grail, even though it seemed like it wasn’t the weapons he thought it was. 

[catastrophically-aware]

posthumanchaos:

Crowley had wished it was Kezia. She knew that friendships with humans were sometimes pointless due to her extended lifetime - that had been one of her first lessons - but Crowley genuinely missed Kezia. She had considered the human one of her closest friends in Los Angeles but she hadn’t expected to feel so knotted up. It only added to the pain she was in but at least she could pick her physical scabs. Still, she smiled at Maria, refusing to wince and showing at least two teeth missing. “How kind of you Maria.”

Maria had faced Pestilence and lived, once again proving she was more than just a book smart pretty face. “If the woodchipper were named Heath Allen and Donato slash Famine then yes, I definitely got my ass kicked by a woodchipper.” She paused. 

“You know death wish red-eye was my nickname in high school, right?”

“I didn’t know that, but I’m not surprised,” Maria said, smiling back and resisting the urge to cough. Once upon a time she’d had tuberculosis, then known as consumption...it had felt something like this. Didn’t matter, her thousands upon thousands of years of sin ought to keep her alive long enough to see the end of the apocalypse (one way or another). Still, she felt guilty. Was the failure at the Oscars another sin to sustain Kiara? 

She sighed softly. “Sorry... Things really didn’t go to plan.” 

[catastrophically-aware]

posthumanchaos:

When: November 27 after the Oscar Fiasco Where: Smooth Mooves Who: Anyone!

Everything hurt. From her toes to the top of her head, Crowley felt pain. Of course, there was pain in her chest too but she ignored that sort of pain. What the demon could deal with in this moment was physical pain, definitely not the void swirling around in her chest. Her body was a canvas of black and blue, bruises peppering her face. They kept her black eye and split lip company. Most of her pain came from her freshly re-broken fingers (Thanks God) but if she spent another moment in that dark apartment moping, she’d rip her own hair out. So here she was in Smooth Moves, swaying on her feet but craving caffeine more than anything. She needed the jolt in her veins - anything but the sludge currently coursing through her. However, as she stood there, she couldn’t help but giggle madly at the sight of the “Immune Booster” Raw Juice, wondering almost deliriously if it would help her heal quicker. As the person in front of her moved away from the register, Crowley stepped up, lips twitching. “Yeah, I got no clue, my dude.” She nodded toward the menu before back to the barista. “Have anything that’s the drink version of a straight shot of electricity?” 

“Get her a death wish red-eye,” Maria said, stepping up beside Crowley and smiling at the barista. “Actually, make it two, please.” The fact that this coffee shop was still running, if without the flavored creams and at a nearly quadruple price jump, was one of the few things that kept her motivated to continue. Without coffee, the world was well and truly at an end. 

She turned to her battered companion and studied her, chewing on her lip. The plan to stop the horsemen had been an epic failure. The grails had done nothing. Why had the horsemen gone to such great lengths to steal and hide them if they didn’t have any effect? Somehow, she’d gotten it wrong and now she had to figure out how. Or you could just accept that this is the end. It’s not like you haven’t tried to fight it, you just failed. Maria shoved the thoughts aside, turning her attention back to Crowley. 

“You look like you lost a fight with a wood chipper... you gonna make it?”

[catastrophically-aware]

Ballroom Blitz || Maria & Kiara

Where: Oscars When: Saturday, November 25 Who: Maria & @mynameis-kiara with a healthy side helping of group 2

So much for the plan. Waiting until Grace got her award had been great in theory, but she hadn’t counted on Elijah announcing his allegiance to War and turning Hollywood’s elite into a rampaging mass of chaos. She’d never really trusted Elijah, not that she knew him well, but something about him always felt off to her. Oh well, time to improvise. 

Maria glanced over her shoulder, seeing the others moving in the crowd and managed to catch Leviathan’s eye. She nodded, hoping they’d still provide distraction to draw Kiara’s attention away from murder long enough to allow Maria to switch her drink with the grail in her bag. Kiara’s ability to infect people seemed to accelerated, if that’s what you could call the way she drained the life from those around her in mere heartbeats. 

I’m definitely about to die. 

Shouting from a few aisles over drew her attention for a moment and she smiled. Of course God would provide a good distraction. Thanks, she thought their direction. The diversion seemed to get Kiara’s attention as well, allowing Maria to slip in behind her. Now if she could only find her drink... 

[catastrophically-aware]

swordofcassiel:

She may not be Mary any longer, but her eyes betrayed the depth of the Virgin Mother all the same. Few could have stopped Cassiel with so little effort; yet she was one of the Nephilim, and one the angel would always respect with a reverence echoing back centuries.

Cassiel stilled and shifted their stance into something more resembling a relaxed pose. Their muscles were still tense, but they could feel Maria’s steeled determination and the way she clutched her own Grail. Maria had been responsible for recovering the three–Cassiel owed her many debts. “When?” they asked, matching Maria’s soft tone (lacking the other’s gentleness, Cassiel sounded more like they were biting letters off their tongue).

“After Grace gets her award,” Maria answered, assuming Grace would win. “We all go together then and we take them all down.” It was hardly a foolproof plan, in fact if she let herself think about it for too long all the flaws and holes in the plan would threaten to send her into an anxiety attack. But it was the best they had and Maria felt the need to at least feign confidence in it. 

She placed her hand on the angel’s shoulder, hoping to appear reassuring. “It’ll work. We’ll get them all and this will be over tonight. Just be patient a little while longer, okay?”

[catastrophically-aware]

righthandprince:

“Certainly,” Leviathan said, turning to face the Witness; her fingers curled around a dainty flute of champagne, painted nails almost claw-like. Maria looked.. nervous, if Leviathan had to guess. Then again, these days, who wasn’t on pins and needles?

“What do you need?”

“A distraction,” Maria answered. “After Grace gets her award, that’s our cue... But for me to get close enough to Kiara without, you know, literally hacking up a lung I need her looking somewhere else. Think you can draw her attention away from me long enough for me to switch her cups?”

[catastrophically-aware]

Maria pressed her bag tighter against her side. It was a little too large to be truly fashionable, but it had to fit the grail inside. They’d managed to design the rest of the serving goblets to look like the real grail, which was helpful when it came to making a swap but Maria was terrified to let the real one out of her sight. Taking a deep breath she walked up to a small cluster of people. “Hey...would one or two of you mind giving me a hand with something?” 

[catastrophically-aware]

swordofcassiel:

Where: the Red Carpet When: early in the evening Availability: open

The neutral getup was not purely Cassiel refusing to play along with the world any longer: it was practical, too. Easy to move, to conceal weapons inside their jacket without alarming anyone (armed security notwithstanding, the angel always preferred to secure their own protection in case of emergency). They had their Grail back–finally–and its presence was a calm cold steel in the midst of wild tension.

They moved instinctively, skirting photographers and moving away from those dressed too conspicuously, hugging the edges of the crowds. Cassiel had no idea what to expect here, so they were behaving more like a bodyguard without any particular charge than a partygoer. When Donato’s familiar bitter visage moved within their field of vision, they moved instictively toward him, hand going to the hilt of the blade surreptitiously. They were so focused they almost didn’t notice someone moving to stand in their path and stopped short before running them over. “Excuse me.”

Moving around in long, fancy dresses was not a skill she’d had to utilize in her last several lives, but she had not forgotten. It would likely have been more practical for her to wear something different, but practicality had gone out the window with the plan for the evening. She was not a fighter. Even her weapon was not a weapon, but a goblet. It was tucked safely in her purse and she could only hope she’d find a way to use it without causing more chaos. 

She scanned the crowd, noting Cassiel prowling the sidelines. Maria followed their line of sight to Donato, noting the way the warrior’s body tensed. Not good. Moving quickly, she put herself in the angel’s path, relieved not to be bowled over. “Not yet, Cass,” Maria said softly. “We have to get them all.”

[catastrophically-aware]

Challenge 32: With A Bang

If this is to be our end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance. 

Though the world may be ending, that was no reason to stop celebrating. At least not in L.A. The show must go on. So why not take this one last chance to dress up and feel special? Dying no longer scared Maria, and if she was being perfectly honest, the idea of no longer existing sounded rather relaxing. But even so, she wasn’t going to go out without a fight. This was the moment to take Lady MacBeth’s advice and look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under it.

Bonus Aiko also ready for the Oscars: