Venom ~ Changbin x fem reader
A/n ( Please do not skip ): Sorry if this is quite long , once again I got carried away. This story is very intense so please read the disclaimer before starting and if it's too much for you, you can skip it. Thanks
The one where you run into your ex who you still haven't gotten over, who you claim to hate because of what he did, and things escalate when he sees you crying.
Member: Changbin
Word count: 17361
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Suggested song : Wrong by Chris Grey
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Disclaimer: Hate sex, choking, biting (odaxelagnia), masochism, pain kink, Unprotected sex, reader is low-key a slut (I ain't slut-shaming ), a lot of cursing, self hatred (fem reader), Changbin is a bit of a jerk at first glance, a bit angsty and quite intense so read at your own detriment
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It had been a shitty day. A shitty week, month even. Hell, it had been a shitty year. Not that you were counting, but it had been a year and two days, if you were being honest.
Today was just the icing on the cake. Not only did you know you were never going to be enough for anyone, now you also knew you weren't good enough for some random dude to even fuck for one night.
Had you been enough for the others? Did you even want to know, when either you or the dude had always slipped out into the night right after you had been used? Honestly... No, you didn't. It's not like it mattered, because none of them did. They were just plasters for the wound that kept festering because you always picked at it.
But tonight, the guy who was supposed to fuck you, make you shut your mind off for a blissful few minutes, several if you were lucky, or even a second round if the guy was cute enough and willing to play into your needs, threw you out of his hotel room. Somehow what you had asked for was too much.
Honestly, it was your fault. You might have chosen someone too kind, too pure for your ragged soul. And you might have asked for this, calling him names to make him angry. You embraced the pain, but that didn't make it hurt any less though. No matter if you searched for the pain, it still hurt.
Sitting on your ass on the rough hotel corridor carpet, you were scrambling for your things as you felt the silent tears start to roll down your face. Was it too much to ask for the hurt to stop for a few moments? The few moments you got when someone was fucking you hard, rough, without feelings?
Yeah, you guess so. Your luck had to run out one day, if you could even call it luck that you were able to find guys willing to manhandle you, throw you around, push you down, use you... Somehow a lot of guys were into it, you guess it should not come as a huge surprise knowing how men are, but still. None of them would be him, and all of them were meant to be just plasters for the night.
You didn't even use to be into this kind of shit, but nowadays this was the only way for you to just be able to escape your mind. It was the only way for you to get some rest without your demons coming to hunt you, because the few extra hours you got from the endorphins and pleasure hormone rush of it all were usually enough time for you to get back home or to your own hotel room, to fall asleep.
It was, sadly, the only way for you to be able to properly get off now. Don't get it wrong, you could still orgasm, but you were left feeling empty if you didn't feel the other things the masochist in you chased after. The pain, the feeling of being used, the feeling of being enough just for the night, but not more, because you never were. Enough.
You picked your things off the floor that fell out of your bag as the guy for the night pushed you out, rougher than he had meant to, clearly, making you stumble and land on your ass, slightly on your hip. He almost came after you to check if you were ok. Which ironically confirmed it to you that you had chosen poorly tonight. Well, at least you had gotten a bruise out of it, you could feel it on your left ass cheek, spreading to your hip.
You were frustrated, knowing tonight would be a bad night again, your demons coming to hound and mock you. Which is why you were crying. You hadn't slept well for the past year really, and this week had been dry. You had looked forward to the blissful minutes of silence in your mind.
You needed to fucking come so bad. And now you wouldn't get it, because you chose a good boy instead of a douche, a predator who'd just care about his needs being met, someone who didn't mind rough and pain. Or at least causing it.
You got up, picking your thigh-length black leather blazer off the floor and shrugging it onto your shoulders, keeping your arms out of the sleeves. Not bothering with the tears, you let them stream down your face, messing up your mascara as you brushed your black figure-hugging dress back down as it had ridden up, almost revealing your ass.
You had black see-through tights under it, and black thigh-high leather boots with ankle-breaking high, thick heels. "Shit", you sighed as you looked down your right leg; the tights had ripped a bit as you landed on your ass. Oh well, at least you had more pairs in your suitcase.
You started to walk down the empty hallway towards the elevator, so you could get back down to the hotel lobby to ask for a cab. You needed to get back to the hotel and your room, where you could at least try to relax in the bath with your audiobook of fucked up villains and sex, some bourbon on ice and your waterproof tentacle vibrator.
Did you bring that along to an over the weekend business trip just in case? Obviously. You needed to prepare for the worst. That being not finding a one night stand hookup to dull the emotional pain with some rough touches.
The elevator ride from the 18th floor somehow went by in a blink. One moment you had your eyes open, then closed as your vision blurred due to the tears of frustration and exhaustion, of defeat, and when you opened your eyes the elevator blinged in announcement that you reached the lobby. The doors opened and a gorgeous couple almost stepped in before letting you out, letting go of each other's hands as you passed from between them, not even trying to be polite.
The girl was wearing a pink fluffy dress, and the guy was wearing a button-up to match. They looked so disgustingly cute together, in their couple outfits. Couple.. Something you'd probably never get to be again with anyone.
The guy started to shout behind you, trying to get you to apologize, you're sure, but the girl stopped him. "She was crying, let it go, my love. Maybe she got dumped, don't add to her pain", she said, which just twisted the knife in your gut. It's not the stab, but the twist.
You clicked down the deep mahogany polished floor to the reception. "Could you please call me a cab?", you asked, your voice threatening to tremble.
"Certainly, just one moment, miss", the receptionist replied. You cleared your throat and looked down, not wanting to be a bother, for the nice receptionist to have to ask if you were okay. You involuntarily sniffled, but if the receptionist noticed you were trying very hard to not show you were crying, to her credit she didn't mention it.
"If you'd go wait outside, miss, the cab will be here in 3 minutes. Please have a complimentary chocolate before you go", she said after hanging up. "Thank you", you mumbled, holding out both your hands for her, knowing she was already ready to hand out the candy. You felt a soft fabric land on your hands, with the crinkle of a wrapper.
You lifted your head just enough to see what she had given you; a cotton handkerchief, and two chocolates. You looked up, eyes watering more than they already did, due to the sudden kindness of a complete stranger. "Thank you", you choked out again, before turning around to walk outside.
You heard her sigh "I hope she'll be okay", as you walked away, wiping your tears with the handkerchief. Your mascara smudged the fabric, so you probably looked like an insane person, eyes red and cheeks painted with tears and messy mascara stains.
The cab arrived quicker, already pulling up when you walked outside the lobby front doors. At 1am there were surprisingly not too many people around getting a cab, but it being Saturday maybe it made sense. Most people would already be at the bars, or coming to the hotel, not leaving.
The cab driver got out and opened the back seat door for you, and you slumped into the seat, thanking him, then telling him the address of your hotel, not too far from here but far enough for you to not walk there in these heels. Not to mention it was cold, and you were dressed way too lightly.
You closed your eyes and drowned out the noise of the city sounding through the windows of the cab, not hearing anything but your own heartbeat in your ears, thumping loudly. Then suddenly, the tears that had stopped falling when you got to the cab started to flow again as your ears picked up a familiar voice.
Him.
Fuck, it still hurts so fucking bad. Why does it hurt so bad? You hate him. You hate him, you hate him, you hate him. For making you this way, for making you feel, think, that you're never going to be enough.
You didn't need another reminder of him tonight, when already the fact that he is the reason you're hurting and seeking out anyone with a working dick to fuck you out of your mind so that you won't think of him, hurts enough. Even more so after getting rejected tonight.
And then, painfully, out of the blue, you were there again. At his dorm, a year and two days ago, sitting on the couch drinking coffee on his free day, keeping him company as he worked on new songs.
He had acted distant the past two weeks. You were getting worried. What was bothering him? He was pushing you away. Had he found someone else? Did you do something? "Binnie?", you called him. "Yeah?", he said, his tone bored as his fingers nimbly worked the keys on his laptop.
"I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you", you offered, feeling like an idiot, not knowing if you actually had. "What?", he asked, lifting his head from the screen. "I'm sorry if I've done something to upset you", you repeated.
"Why do you think you've done something you need to be sorry for?", he asked, confused. "Because you've been distant lately", you replied, placing your empty cup on the coffee table. You needed your hands free. You needed to fidget your fingers.
Changbin froze for a moment, an emotion you couldn't exactly place flashing behind his eyes. He slumped his shoulders. "Or maybe you've found someone else", you said, almost too quiet for him to hear. But he heard. And sent your world crashing down after it.
"I...", he started, unable to form words, but his demeanor and the look on his face told you everything. Guilt. Shame. Hurt. At least he was ashamed. But why the fuck was he hurt? He was the one hurting you. "Oh", you said, not needing him to even say it out loud.
You felt your heart shatter like fragile glass. He had found someone else. Just like all your exes, he had cheated too. And you thought he would never... "Why?", you asked, tears already streaming down your cheeks.
You felt him shift as he put his laptop away, closing the lid, then turning to face you, and lifting his hands towards you as if he wanted to wipe your tears away.
"I'm sorry", he whispered. Why did he care if you cried? Not like he cared when he had already replaced you. You flinched back. "Why?", you repeated, your voice barely above a whisper. "Does there have to be a why?", he asked, his voice low and quiet.
"Is she pretty? Someone famous? Someone more appropriate for an idol? Thinner? Someone who acts cuter? Someone who eats less? Someone with a better background? Someone in the industry too? Someone who understands you better? Someone you want to introduce to your parents?"
"Does she have fairer skin? Darker hair? Skin without imperfections, without marks? Is she pure? Is her skin unpierced and clean of tattoos? Is she someone the guys like more? Is she someone the company approves of? Is she better? Is she everything you're not?", you continued, all your insecurities suddenly pouring out, everything you had tried not to think about during your relationship.
"It's not like that, princess", he said, pain and sadness in his voice. "Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that after fucking someone else, after choosing her over me", you spat out, fully crying now, heart wrenching sobs leaving your chest. You needed to get out. You couldn't breathe. The walls were caving in.
He had someone else. He never loved you. You're not pretty enough. You're not thin enough. You're not good enough. You're not enough. You're not enough. "Hey, hey, hey. I'm here, breathe. You're having a panic attack. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never wanted it to come to this", Changbin said, grabbing your shoulders, pressing his forehead to yours.
"Don't fucking touch me!", you yelled, your voice thick with venom, pushing him away, hot tears streaming down your face as you shot up, breathing way too shallow, nausea rising in your throat. Swaying on your feet a bit, you stumbled away from him, noticing but not understanding the hurt on his face, but the need to escape, to flee, to get away was too extreme.
You weren't enough. You never were.
You never would be. "No, baby, I...", you heard him say, now panic in his voice as you turned around and walked to the door. You heard him come after you as you pulled your UGGs to your feet and wrenched the door open, grabbing your jacket and purse. "Don't fucking follow me. You can't do this. You... I... You need to get out. You want out. We're done!"
You slammed the door in his face. You turned on your heels, running down the steps of too many flights of stairs, your head spinning, hurting, your vision almost too blurry to see through the tears. Your chest felt too tight, the pain you felt in your heart and soul too much to bear. You were sobbing, ragged sobs escaping you as you tried to keep the nausea in control.
But when you stumbled out of the door to the street, your body doubled over as the nausea found its way out to the bushes next to the building. You loved him. You loved him so fucking much. But he had found someone better, someone prettier, someone... He had replaced you. Because you weren't enough. You never were.
Ironically, it was his voice that pulled you out of your memories, hot tears now again streaming down your face. You were trying so hard not to make a sound, crying into your hands, doubled over in the backseat of the cab, as his voice on the speakers so beautifully sang lyrics about him pretending to be fine when he wasn't, begging for someone to ask if he's ok before he collapses.
What did he even know about pain like that? When he had caused you more pain than anyone ever had, because for once you thought you had found someone for whom you would be enough, someone who wouldn't replace you... And yet... What right did he have to create lyrics like this about his pain?
It hurt so much to remember that day. Which is why you had started to seek comfort in the pain caused by others while they used you like he had used you too. You had just been a temporary distraction for him, someone he could fuck before he found someone better.
So you became the permanent temporary one, the girl who would also become the reason for others' hurt if the guys you fucked were taken and their girl found out. And you didn't care. Just as long as the thoughts in your head got muted through the physical and emotional pain you gained from the one night stands. What a fucked up way to live.
"Miss, are you ok?", you heard the driver ask, probably noticing from the rearview mirror that you had disappeared. "Yeah, just a headache", you managed to mumble out without sounding like you were crying your fucking soul out. "We'll be there in just a minute", the driver said, a bit less worry in his voice. He was probably just afraid you were nauseous and would puke all over his leather seats.
"Thank you", you replied, trying to control your breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Which wasn't easy when your body was trying to shake from the violent sobs threatening to leave your chest.
The cab pulled up at your hotel, and you paid, thanked the driver again and apologized before getting out. The tears just didn't seem to want to stop, your eyes already hurting due to the amount of crying you had done tonight.
You walked through the deserted lobby to the elevator a bit farther away, behind the corner, hoping no one would be there to see you in this state. You felt a headache blooming behind your eyes, and decided that it would require a painkiller and a double bourbon before the bath.
You stepped into the elevator, thankful to find it empty as no one was coming down. Wiping your cheeks and under your eyes again with the handkerchief, you pressed floor 8 and huffed at the irony as the doors closed. Your room number was 0811. You had already forgotten.
Of course it fucking was. He followed you everywhere, no matter how hard you tried to fuck the hurt away with strangers. But no matter how hard you tried to hate him, to use others to help you forget... You couldn't seem to shake him. And how could you? Hate like yours cannot exist without love.
The elevator pinged, way too early for it to be the 8th floor. A voice announced the third floor. Wellness floor. Maybe someone had been in the 24/7 gym or steam room. You dropped your head slightly down and moved to the far corner, your right side facing the door, trying to be as unnoticeable as you could.
The doors opened, and you saw someone step in, their white sneakers visible in your peripheral. They stopped. The elevator doors closed. They didn't move. They didn't press the button of their room's floor. Maybe they were on the same floor with you. Then you heard him. "Princess?"
What. The. Actual. Fuck? You snapped your head up. You have got to be shitting me. Out of all places in this fucked up planet, he was here? In Singapore? In the same hotel as you were? In the same elevator with you? Alone? In... workout gear?
Fuck your life. Fuck you. Fuck him.
"What are you doing here?", you both asked at the same time, tones different. Yours was a hiss of anger and pain. His was surprised. "You're here for work", you replied, as he at the same time said just one word. "Concert." You huffed out a breath. Of course. Unbelievable. How did you not know...
"But why are you HERE?", you gestured with your arms, meaning why in this hotel, in this elevator, at this time. You crossed your arms under your chest, looking at him, all the emotions threatening to rise. You would not cry more. Not in front of him. Stupid, weak heart.
"Actually, don't answer. Not like I care", you sighed. You actually do. You're fucked up in the head because all you do is care, even still.
"Well nice to see you too. Our managers reserved rooms here for us. I was in the gym, just trying to get back to my room", Changbin replied, his tone neutral with a hint of hurt. Hurt? Fuck him.
You turned your head away from him, looking at the opposite wall of the elevator, not being able to look at him without actually crumbling onto the floor. Everything about tonight was already too much. Him being in the same space with you was threatening to throw you off the deep end. It hurt. So fucking bad.
He still looked the same. Your dream man. Just better. Stronger. He smelled the same. Clean linen and musk. Sounded the same. Like happy hormones in a bottle.
You heard him scoff before pushing a button, probably his floor, and turn his back to you. You let out a shaky breath as the tears started to flow again. How did you even have any left in you? You needed to get out of the elevator, away from him. You sniffled, realizing it too late that he would hear.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, are you crying? Why are you crying?", he then asked suddenly as he turned and stepped in front of you. His hands were trying to reach out for you, but stopped halfway, hanging in the air between you before dropping down to his sides.
Thank the gods, because you would have shattered under his touch, fallen into his arms. Begged him to love you again, at least for just one night so maybe, just maybe, you could start to forget him and heal. As if you ever could...
"Why do you even care?", you said, your voice thick with the sobs that were now so fucking close to escaping, the dam close to a breaking point. You wiped your eyes with the backs of your hands, the handkerchief forgotten. You didn't want to look at him, couldn't, so you dropped your head again, holding your arms close to your body as the tears continued to flow.
Had they even stopped for a moment since the previous hotel? Must have, since he didn't ask why you were crying straight away. How did he not even realize, though? Your eyes must be so red and puffy. He doesn't care anymore, that's why.
You feared if you did look at him, you would break beyond repair. And you didn't want him to see that. Wouldn't let him see that. But also at the same time, all you wanted was to look at him. Because you missed him. So fucking bad. Without any fucking sense. Why did you still miss him when he hurt you so badly? When he broke your heart and stomped on the shattered pieces to make sure you'd never be able to put them back together?
He didn't even try to fight for you, to call you, to get you back. Not that you did either, but he was the one who broke us, you. Why should you have reached out when he didn't care enough to even try? Why did you still crave his touch, his love, his everything, so much that all your body wanted to do was fall into his arms, when you also hated him for what he did?
Why were you such a masochist? Why did you have a foolish, rotten heart that still loved the man who hurt you? Or is it even love, when it has soured like this, into something black and rotten?
"Why do I... Can you please look at me?", Changbin asked, sighing as if he was exhausted, but you didn't miss the pleading tone of his voice when he said that, the way his hands fisted at his sides. Which is what made you lift your eyes to meet his, even if it contradicted what you said.
"I can't", you whispered. "Why?", he asked, so very clearly trying to hold himself back from touching you, from holding you. "Because if I do, you'll see what I've become without you", you replied, your honesty surprising even yourself. And what you were... was a broken, used, ruined, fucked up shell of a woman you used to be.
"Maybe I want to see. Maybe all I still see is the woman I... Just. Fuck. Maybe I just want to make things right", Changbin said, searching your weeping eyes for any kind of sign that maybe you would listen. You could see the pain in his eyes, the fear that you might walk out and not give him the opportunity to. You still could read his expressions so well, even after all this time, and it gave your heart another painful tug. You dropped your head again.
The elevator pinged and announced the floor, 8th. You lifted your head, refusing to look at him, but you still saw the pleading look on him in your peripheral, as you turned towards the door. "What makes you think I want you to?", you asked quietly as you stepped through the opening doors, intending to escape to your room, running as soon as they closed, before his reply stopped you in your tracks.
"Maybe exactly the fact that you can't even look at me for more than a few seconds? The fact that you're shivering, holding yourself together by your arms to stop yourself from crying more than you already are? The fact that you even replied to me when you could have just as well ignored me?", he countered, throwing his hand out to stop the elevator doors from closing.
"Please. I have regretted what happened every second of every day since you walked out, have regretted not trying to call, to text. But I couldn't do this on the phone. And I knew you wouldn't reply anyway. You blocked all the guys so you probably blocked me too. I just never tried to call because I knew it wouldn't go through and you wouldn't pick up anyway."
"So I kept hoping I'd run into you. I tried to visit the places we used to go to together. Every day I went to one of them unless I was out of the city, but I never ran into you anymore. Maybe you stopped going. I know I might be a little too late with this, but now that I finally ran into you when I wasn't even trying, it must be for a reason. Just hear me out. Please", he continued when you didn't reply.
Your stupid heart jumped at his words. He kept hoping he'd run into you. For a year. He didn't try calling, because he thought the call wouldn't go through. He thought you had blocked him, when in reality you hadn't. Your toxic ass had blocked everyone else, except him. Because you still had kept hoping maybe one day he'd call.
Your heart was screaming at you, kicking your ribs, yelling at you to go to him. To touch him, kiss him, allow it to love him openly once more. Maybe even just once, and nothing more. Your body was pulling you towards him like a magnet, a moth to a flame. Maybe he'll burn you. Maybe he won't. Maybe you'll regret this. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll finally break beyond fixing. Maybe you won't.
Maybe he'd say he regretted it all, that it was the worst mistake of his life and that he can't live without you after all? Could you have been enough after all, and he just needed someone else to realize it? But maybe he also didn't. Maybe he actually just wanted to clear the air. It's not like he loved you or wanted you still. If ever. Because you weren't enough.
You didn't know what you'd do if this all went badly. But the masochist in you took the lead. Fucking ruin me then, break me, destroy me. Not like it's new to you. At least I'd get a kick out of this if nothing else, having turned into a whore for pain. Emotional or physical, didn't matter.
"Fine. Your room", you said, stepping back into the elevator, him taking a step back to allow you in. Some sort of relief passed behind his eyes. "Thank you", he said, as the elevator rode up again. 12th floor. Just a few floors up from you. To think you were so close and might not even have run into each other. Maybe that would have been the best.
Maybe this was a big mistake.
At least if you didn't allow him to explain, you'd be able to keep holding onto your hurt and hate. If he explained and that pulled the foundation of those away from you, what would you be anymore? "Don't thank me. It's not like I'm going to forgive you that easily", you said, trying to grasp at your hate so that the love left in you wouldn't try to get your hopes up. "I know. But at least you'll hear me out", Changbin sighed.
The elevator doors opened again, and you stepped out, Changbin stepping out behind you. He turned to the left corridor and walked all the way to the end, opening the door to the last room on the right. You followed, staying silent, even though everything in you was screaming. What were you doing? Why did you agree?
You're just going to get even more hurt. But wasn't that what you needed? The pain? You didn't want to hurt, but you kept clinging onto it, chasing the pain, asking for others to cause it, just so you could hang onto the last thing you had of him. The feeling of hurt that consumed you because of him.
You stepped into his room, him following you as he held the door open for you. The door clicked shut, and you walked further, to stand in front of the window, looking into the city skyline, embedded in the darkness of past 1am night, the city lights lighting it up. "A drink?", Changbin asked.
"Thanks. And a painkiller, if you have one", you said. Frowning, he walked into the bathroom first, rustling something, then returning with a water bottle and a painkiller in his hand. He placed them on the table next to you, before turning to the minibar. You threw the painkiller into your mouth and swallowed it with a swig of water.
"You still drink bourbon?", he asked, taking two bottles of it out of the minibar. "Yes. But I take mine double", you replied as you turned to look at the city lights again. He scoffed again, then rummaged through the minibar to take two more bottles by the sound of it. He cracked the bottles open and poured them into glasses, before dropping in a few ice cubes. The container on the table must be insulated, you guessed, as you peeked over your shoulder.
"Here", he said, holding out your drink to you. You took the drink, turning to him, and walked to the bed beside the window and sat on the edge. He went to the chair across the room. The liquid in his glass was clear. Tequila, you'd guess. Dangerous.
Taking a sip of your bourbon, you allowed yourself to look at him, really look, for the first time.
He was wearing a gray compression shirt and loose black shorts. He had kicked his sneakers off by the door. His black hair was curling at the ends. It always did that when he had been sweating at the gym. His shoulders were wider than a year ago, his biceps bigger. His legs seemed stronger. He looked like the very epitome of health, and your heart skipped a painful beat.
He looked too good. Why did he have to look so good still? Your hands itched to touch him, making you scold your wretched heart again. Why do you still want him? Love him, still? He hurt you. And he's the reason you're fucked up now, heart.
He was sitting in a manspread on the chair, his drink in both of his hands on his thighs. He had his glasses on, the thick black framed ones that you had encouraged him to buy. Fuck. Why had he held on to those?
He was looking at you, his expression a mix of concern, uncertainty and something you couldn't place. You probably looked like a ragged mess. You certainly felt like it. Your hair tousled over your shoulders, your tights ripped on the side, makeup running down your face, eyes swollen and red, eyebags worth of a year of sleepless nights, eyes hollow of any happy emotion you used to be so full of.
You lowered your gaze to your drink, then spoke up. "You wanted me to hear you out. What did you have to say to me that was so important that you needed to do it in person, that you waited for a year to run into me randomly?" He leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees. He took a sip of his drink and grimaced, then emptied the glass, and shuddered. Definitely tequila.
Changbin placed the glass on the floor and put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his messy hair. "Now that you're here, I somehow don't know where to start", he said. Annoyance rose inside you. He waited for a year to talk to you and now doesn't know what to say?
"I don't have all night, Changbin", you said, not bothering to hide your annoyance, your hurt. You saw a sliver of annoyance flash behind his eyes, but then it withered.
"I wish you didn't call me that", he sighed.
"What? By your name?", you asked, scoffing at him before taking another sip of your bourbon, the alcohol burning as it went down.
"Yes. You used to call me baby. I wish you still did", he mumbled into his hands before sitting up straight, looking at you.
"I'm sorry, but why in seven hells would I call you baby after what you did?", you countered, not believing what you were hearing.
"I didn't– fuck. This is already not going the way I had planned. I had this discussion with you so many times in my head but now I can't seem to form the right words", he said, frustration levels rising.
You rolled your eyes at him. What gives him the right to be frustrated here? "Look, Changbin, I don't know what you want from me, but it's been a fucking year. And I'm not exactly in the mood tonight to just watch my ex fumble with his words because he doesn't know what to say to the woman he cheated on. I'm exhausted, I haven't slept well since... well, since."
"And my solution for that fell a bit flat tonight, so I'm feeling more nasty than I would normally be. I really shouldn't even be here, but against my better judgment my heart decided to follow you, so out with it, or I'm just going to leave so I can have another drink, a bath, and hopefully an orgasm so I can get even a few hours of sleep", you said, your tone bitchier than it needed to be.
"You can have another drink here too if you're so thirsty. What do you mean you don't sleep? And your solution fell flat? What solution?", he said, and you could hear the annoyance again rising in his tone. You emptied your glass and got up, walking to the minibar. 'If you're so thirsty...' Fuck him.
"Are you asking because you're trying to stall because you don't know what to say to me, or are you asking because you actually want to know? Because I don't think it's the latter, at least not after I tell you", you said, your tone mocking as you squatted to check what was still left in the minibar. Vodka, mini champagne, normal coke, water, gin, tonic, whiskey. Bleurgh . Vodka on ice it was then.
You got up and put the mini bottles and your glass on the table above the minibar, and closed the door. As you got up, you somehow managed to avoid the table corner with your head, but bumped your hip onto it. And of course the one that was bruised from your landing on your ass earlier. "Aggh. Fuck", you hissed.
You cracked the bottles open and emptied them into your glass. "Are you hurt?", you heard Changbin ask, his voice closer than it should be if he was still in the chair. You turned and he was right behind you. Not too close to touch, but close enough to definitely see you more clearly.
"Just a bruise", you replied, leaning onto the table, wanting to get a bit more distance between you. "Why were you crying earlier? You definitely had been before you started to again in the elevator", he then asked, his hands in his pockets.
Again, do you actually want to know? I don't think you do", you replied. "What if I do?", he countered.
Why is he testing your patience? He had something he wanted to say to you and now he was avoiding it by asking why you were crying and why you couldn't sleep.
Fuck it. Fine.
"You know what, fine. You wanna know? Don't say I didn't warn you", you said, pushing yourself off the table edge, vodka glass in hand. You took a few steps past him, then turned around and let yourself go at him. He wanted to know? Fine. You'd tell him. See if he still wants to talk to you after.
Maybe this is exactly what you need, to be able to tell him what he turned you into. Maybe he'd understand the hate you have been feeling, clinging onto. Understand that all he'd needed to have done was love you. Which surely had never happened, if he was able to do what he did to you.
"What do I mean by not sleeping? I mean exactly what it sounds like, Changbin. I barely sleep. I haven't since the day you broke us. I have nightmares. I drown into the pain I still feel. I get panic attacks. So I don't sleep more than a few hours a night. Some nights I don't sleep at all. Only way for me to sleep for even a while without those fucking demons to come a-lurking is sleeping pills or...", you paused, taking a breath.
His expression was worried. How the fuck dare he be worried? He caused this. You took a hefty gulp of the vodka, not even grimacing at the burn. "Or what?", he asked.
"Or sex. Only way I get my mind to shut down even for a few minutes is fucking someone, without strings attached, just for one night, because I can't deal with strings anymore. I need someone to fuck my mind out, to cause me physical pain while they're at it for my emotional pain to subside for even just a few blissful moments."
"Those endorphins and the oxytocin and the dopamine carry me over to being able to sleep for even just a moment, before my demons wake me up again and remind me that my pain is what I am now. My pain that you caused", you explained.
"And that's why I was crying. Because even if my mind shuts down and the hormones the pain and sex release can get me to sleep, it still hurts. Hurts because you made me feel like I wasn't enough, and I'm making myself feel like that over and over again with every guy I fuck. I'm just another hole to fill, nothing more", you continued, letting all your emotions show.
Somehow the tears didn't come this time, but the anger did. The disgusting, suffocating, poisonous anger. "So you're saying you've been fucking anything that walks since you walked out on me?", Changbin asked, his tone coated with... what? Was that anger? Pain? Disgust?
"I mean it doesn't even have to walk, just having a hard dick and willingness to cause some pain is enough", you replied, not even trying to hide the anger now bubbling inside you. "And what the fuck do you mean by 'since you walked out on me'? Because fuck you for saying that. I did not walk out on you. I left because you fucked someone else first", you spat out.
"Stop fucking saying that", he said, raising his voice. "So, what, you've been fucking your way around Seoul for one year now then?", he added. "Oh fuck you, Binnie. You don't get to say that. But if you have to know, no, not only Seoul. Any place I've been to. Like here today", you said, raising your voice too.
You took a few steps back, walking next to the chair Changbin had just sat on before, but not sitting down yourself. Changbin followed you, standing a few feet from you. "You fucked someone today?", he asked, clearly somehow surprised at this, and then looked down at your hip that you were unconsciously massaging, realizing it straight away as his gaze landed on your hand.
"Did he cause that bruise?", he added, angry now. Not at you, but clearly at the possibility of you having fucked someone that wasn't him, someone who had caused an injury. The anger boiled over, surpassing the hurt his words were causing. He was the one who broke you by doing the exact thing you were now doing with others. The difference just was that he did it while you were still dating, and the bruises he caused were invisible, on your heart.
"Why do you fucking care? It's not like I'm cheating on you. I can fuck whoever I want, whenever I want, however I want, and I don't owe you any fucking explanations for it. Even if he caused that bruise, you don't get to be angry about it because it's because of you that I crave the pain", you said, your words dripping malice, intending to hurt, to slash at him.
"Why can't I be angry about your random fucks hurting you? Because you fucking are. Because you do. You do care, ok? Why can't you see that?", he full-on yelled now, taking a step closer to you.
"Why can't you see that?! Maybe because I didn't even try! I haven't heard from you for a whole fucking year and two days, and you expect me to know anything about you anymore? How would you know I care? Why would you even care? It's not like you did back then", you yelled back. You emptied your glass while he yelled back.
"But you did fucking care! It's because you fucking cared that whatever happened, happened. You can't take it back now but you're trying to make sense of this, to make things right and you can't even keep up because you keep spiraling and all you're hearing is you've been fucking anything that moves, making them cause you pain, letting them bruise you. It's like you don't even know you anymore."
"BECAUSE YOU FUCKING DON'T!", you screamed as the rage and hate took the best of you, making you chuck the empty glass at the wall next to the bed, sending the melted ice cubes and glass shards everywhere. "I changed. Your betrayal changed me. You fucking ruined me. I'm addicted to pain because that's what you left me with."
"I look for the feeling of not being enough with strangers, just so that I'd have something familiar to hold on to, because that's all I had left of you. When you came over the crippling feeling of emptiness seven months ago, all I had left was that. The feeling of not fucking being enough, the feeling of being used."
"So I started to look for guys who will make me feel just like that, because they only want me for the night and nothing more, and I beg for them to hurt me while they fuck me, so it can take away the pain in my heart for just a second", you exploded, just spitting out words without thinking how it sounded, how it would make him, you, feel.
You felt the hot tears behind your eyes again, but you blinked them away, willing them to stay unshed. You would not let him make you cry. He was looking at you with furious eyes, his expression one of rage under the surface.
"No. Fuck. This isn't how this discussion was supposed to go", he said, running his fingers through his hair, frustration getting the best of him. He turned his back to you, but then he turned right back around to face you. "Tell me that's not true. Tell me you've not become the whore you're describ—", he started, but didn't get to finish.
Blind rage at the word he had used took over you, and before you knew it, your right palm had connected with his left cheek, making him stop what he was saying, his head turning to the side with the force of it. "Fuck you. You don't fucking get to call me that, when you're the fucking cause. You might not have fucked as many people as I have, but you started this. You fucked someone else fi—", you seethed.
The rest of your sentence got swallowed and went unspoken, as Changbin's hand caught both of your wrists and pinned them above your head to the wall behind you. Your head connected to the wall with a violent thud as his other hand grabbed you by the neck, pushing you to the wall and pressing from the sides. He wasn't choking you, but making it impossible for you to talk as you tried to focus on catching your breath, being distracted by the sting on the back of your head.
Even with your heels on, you weren't taller than Changbin, but even if with the added height you were almost at eye level, he towered over you with his size. And there it was. The hate in his eyes, causing him to act before he was able to think, your words having finally hit their target.
His eyes were black with anger, and yet all you felt was a buzz of excitement. This was what you were after every night when you sought out someone. Rough and violent. Dull the pain. Replace it with another. Fuck, he looked attractive when he was angry.
And then you felt it, as if a switch had gone off. His stance softened just minutely, and his eyes went from harsh to softer, but the position of his hands stayed. Before he'd retract any further, your body acted on its own accord, surging forward to scratch the itch only his body could ease.
Maybe you only ever needed him to ease the itch, no one else, but you were too hurt to go there. But not tonight. He had started this, he had fucking asked you to come here, so he could explain himself, only to start an argument that escalated. He would fucking finish this too, or you would for him.
Your lips connected with his as you pushed your head forward as far as it could go with his hand still pressing against your neck. And as if he had been waiting for it, his body reacted to the action of yours. He met you halfway, kissed you, not letting go of either your wrists or your neck, pressing his lips onto yours. Lips opening to each other's, the kiss was sloppy, messy, teeth clashing as you poured a year's worth of hurt, pain, need, hate, anger, desperation, and stupidly, also love mixed with lust, into it.
Then he pulled away, his hand dropping from your neck and his other releasing your wrists as he took a step back, his eyes glossy with shock. "I'm so fucking sorry. Did I hurt you? I shouldn't have done that, I'm so sorry," he panicked. He reached for you, intending to check on the back of your head, his expression worried.
No, no, no, no. You needed him to stay angry. To rip you apart, to fuck you now that he had woken up the monster inside you that was addicted to pain. "No. Don't you fucking dare. I fucking asked for it. I slapped you. Show me how much you fucking hate me, how you hate the knowledge that I've fucked other people. How I've let them hurt me, because I needed them to hurt me so the hurt you caused would dull away for just a moment."
"Show me how you hate the realization that you turned me into a whore. You fucked up the single most precious thing you could have had with me if you didn't cheat. You made me this way. I wasn't enough for you, so this is what I am now," you gritted out, every word laced with all the hurt you had been carefully holding onto.
"Not enough for anyone. Never enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not anything. Just not enough. Now fucking use me like I've let all those other men use me, to hurt me, all because I was chasing a ghost of you. Fuck me like you hate me. Because you do. You never fucking loved me, cared enough to not hurt me."
"FUCKING SHOW ME HOW WORTHLESS I AM!" you yelled, pushing him with each sentence, hands on his chest, making him retreat until the back of his thighs hit the edge of the bed.
Push. Push. Push. Snap.
His hand went into the back of your head, grabbing a handful of your hair close to your scalp before yanking you closer to him, your noses almost touching, your hands caught in between you on his chest. "Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Stop fucking belittling yourself, telling lie after lie about what you think I'm thinking," he fumed, his breath hot on your skin.
You tried to struggle against his hold, realizing it was all in vain. You weren't afraid of him or what he would do, but your body acted on its own, needing the sting of pain his tight grip was causing. Your hands clawed at his shirt, not being able to grab a hold of it due to the compression.
Your knees buckled and you landed on your knees, making Changbin yank your head upwards, causing a sudden change in your demeanor. You went from only being furious to starting to get turned on under his rough touch, and you smiled, your tongue pushing between your teeth, pushing at your upper teeth. You looked him in the eyes and the realization dawned on him.
"Is this what you want, huh?" he asked, his voice suddenly hoarse. "Is this what you need?" he continued. "For me to fucking manhandle you and throw you around? For my touch to cause pain?" he added.
"Yes," you breathed out. He looked straight through your eyes into your soul with those black coffee eyes, and all you could see was venom, but it mixed with something softer, something deeper. He grabbed his glasses and threw them away, not caring where they landed.
"Fine," he gruffed and pulled you up, one of his hands on your arm, the other still in your hair, the sting of pain so deliciously numbing to your hurling emotions. When you were back up and standing, he crashed his lips on yours.
Rough, hard, demanding. You opened for him instantly, your reaction and familiarity of it making you shudder before you pushed the thought back. His other hand found the back of your neck, pulling you even closer to him.
You wrapped your arms around his, holding onto his biceps as he bit your bottom lip, harder than he ever had before, making you moan into his mouth. You fucking loved biting. It was such an easy way to cause pain. You let go of his arms to shrug your blazer off. The second it hit the floor, your hands went to the hem of his compression shirt, tugging it up.
Changbin didn't move his hands away from your hair so you couldn't get the shirt off, but having lifted it up over his chest you were able to let your hands roam on his front while he kept devouring your lips, touching the soft skin over his abs. Not as defined as some of his members', but still fucking sexy as hell.
As your hands continued upwards to his pecs, you felt him shiver. The reaction flooded a hail of memories into your brain, making your eyes sting. Gods you had fucking missed him, missed his touch, missed touching him. Your core heated, and you could feel yourself already getting wet for him.
You dropped your hands down between you, and with one of them you palmed his front, finding him already hard. He groaned into the kiss, his hips bucking slightly towards your hands, the other one having joined the first. He was just as big as you remembered. How could you even forget? He always stretched you so well, no other cock ever living up to his no matter how many you had tried after him.
Then suddenly he stopped kissing you, and before you could even blink, your world was spinning and rushing forward, as you landed face first onto the bed, Changbin's hand still on the back of your neck. He pushed you down onto the mattress, his hand moving to your upper back from your neck so you could turn your head to the side.
His hand slid down your spine, stopping over your lower back. Your feet were still on the floor, so you were basically bent over on the bed for him. "Your dress is this fucking short? I can practically see your cervix when you bend over," he breathed out.
"That's the point. Easy access," you replied, your tone breathy like his. You were trying to catch your breath, still surprised from how he pushed you to the bed.
You liked it hard and rough sometimes when you were together too, but he was always careful with you. Now that seemed to be off the table. Or bed, but anyway. And you were ready for it. Needed it.
"Shouldn't have asked. Boots off, now," he replied and ordered. "I can't really do that if you hold onto me like that," you replied, sarcasm dripping through. "Bend your knee back," he said, voice firm. You did, bending your right knee a little, lifting your foot off the floor. Changbin grabbed the heel and easily slid the boot off of your foot.
Thank the gods you had decided to wear these that were looser on the thigh and calf than the tight ones with the zipper. Once the boot was off, you switched legs, and he did the same to your other boot. Then, Changbin pressed his body against you, his clothed cock grinding against your ass that was barely covered.
"Feel that? That's what you do to me even when you're making me furious. We haven't talked for a year and you manage to get me both angry and fucking turned on at the same time," he murmured right into your ear.
"The feeling's fucking mutual. Now stop talking and touch me. Fuck me, take me, hurt me, ruin me. I want this. You want this. So shatter me, just so we can see if there's anything left for you to break", you grunted, pushing your ass to him the best you could, making your dress shimmy up over your ass.
Changbin hissed, and then got up, your words pestering him. But you knew you had gotten to him when his hand landed on your ass, hard. The thin tights did nothing to soften the blow, obviously, and the sting that followed made you groan. "Ahh, fuck. Yes, just like that", you hissed into the duvet.
"You're really ok with this? Because we've never done this while angry, and I don't want to actually hurt you", he asked, his palm still on your ass, not moving, concern seeping through. He emphasized hurt, making it known he was on board hurting you for pleasure, but not actually hurting you for pain. "Yes", you replied, simply, shortly, needing him to spank you again.
"You consent?", he asked, needing the verbal confirmation. "I consent. Do that again, I fucking need you", you said, admitting something without realizing it. "Your safeword?", he asked, still not moving his hand. "Still the same", you said, wiggling your ass under his hand. The sting of the first blow was already gone. "Which is? Say it out loud", he commanded.
"Dwaekki", you breathed out, and as you did, his hand landed on your ass again, harder, and this time he didn't stop. Blow after blow, he spanked both your cheeks, switching to the spot where your ass and thighs met at times before getting back to your ass. With each blow he grunted out a thought, now lost into the act of spanking, not even caring how his words sounded.
"How many guys have you let fuck this pussy, this ass, that mouth? How many have hurt you without caring about you? How many? Why? We should have talked. We shouldn't have let it get this far. I shouldn't have. I should have come after you."
You didn't think he wanted a reply to any of it, so you kept silent, bar your noises of pleasure. The sting of each blow was worse than the previous one, and it made you groan, push into his hand, moan out his name.
"Fuck I've missed hearing my name from your lips", he grunted. "Binnie", you whined, your ass and thighs already sore, the sting almost unbearable. But yet you craved it. Welcomed it. "You've turned into a pain slut", he said, and then your world was moving again.
Changbin pulled your ass to his clothed crotch, his arousal now thick and hard under his shorts. The fabric touching your sore skin made you whimper, and then you were being pulled up to standing from your waist. Without saying a word, Changbin's fingers grabbed the hem of your dress and yanked it up, making you lift your arms.
Your back was still to him, so you couldn't see his expression as he realized you were braless under it, but you heard his sharp inhale through his teeth. Then his hands grabbed your bare breasts, your back hitting his chest. You realized that he had lost his shirt at some point, as skin touched skin.
Your head fell back to his shoulder, and he took the opening to attach his lips to your neck while his hands massaged your breasts, pinching the peaked nipples a bit harder than necessary. You melted under the new sting, your knees going wobbly. He realized this and soon you were back on your front on the bed, similarly bent over as just a few minutes ago. Adding one more blow to your sore ass, he made you hiss.
"I know I said I need your touch to cause me pain, but that entailed also fucking me through it. I need the pain but not only that, so enough with the spanking and just f— aahh, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck", you complained and then moaned.
You were cut off mid-sentence as out of nowhere, Changbin ripped your tights, your ass and upper thighs now bare, and then with one swift move of his fingers, he moved your thong to the side and sunk two fingers into you and started to move them, in and out.
He pressed his lips to the sore spots he had hit, kissing the surely reddened raw skin thoroughly, not missing a single spot that was stinging, all the while pumping his fingers deeper into you, curling them in the search of your g-spot, opening them, stretching you.
"Can you feel how fucking wet you are for me? How your needy cunt is already clenching around my fingers just because I spanked you, because you claim to hate me and to need the pain to dull it all", he said. Without giving you time to reply, he continued, "Condom or no?", before scoffing as if that was a stupid question.
"Condom. If you've really been fucking whoever has breathed your way the past year I don't need to be catching anything you might have during that", he added, his tone telling you he clearly meant the words to hurt.
"Do you think I'm actually that stupid? I've always made the guys suit the fuck up, and I get tested regularly. Just this week actually, I'm fucking clean. But maybe it's best if we use one since you could have gods know what for all I know", you spat back, getting on your elbows so you could turn your head to look at him.
"I've not been with anyone since we broke up, I'm clean", he snapped, still reaching for his wallet on the bedside table, not moving from behind you. "And you fucked someone else just a few hours ago", he accused, tossing his wallet back on the table, having found a condom. "No, I didn't", you countered, causing him to pause. "What?", he asked, confused.
"I didn't fuck anyone today. He was too pure to do what I needed. He threw me out. I was just trying to hurt you by making it seem like I fucked someone just before coming here. I haven't fucked anyone this week. Actually, last week either. So do whatever you want, but do it now. Either put the condom on or don't, I don't care. But you need to decide now because that cock of yours better be inside me in the next 30 seconds", you replied.
Not able to process all the information properly, his inability to multitask shining through, he either ignored your reply or decided not to trust you as he ripped the packet open. With one hand he slipped his shorts and boxers down enough to free his cock so he could roll the condom on.
Not bothering to even discard the rest of his clothing, he turned his front to your back again. "Spread", he ordered, nudging at your right ankle with his right foot. You obeyed again, and then felt him settle himself between your spread legs, and the tip of his cock pushed against your entrance.
Your thong had slipped back to cover it. Without a warning, Changbin grabbed your thong with both of his hands, ripping the thin fabric. You inhaled in surprise, but didn't protest, as this again meant easier access for him. He yanked the ruined fabric up your body, the waistband still intact, hence keeping it on you but baring your pussy to him.
You felt the tip of his cock press against you again, your body already trembling with the need to have him inside you once more. I need this so fucking bad. Want it. "Please", you whined, pushing your ass towards him, making his cock slide over you, spreading your wetness over your folds to your ass and back.
"Oh so you can still be polite", he rasped, his tone revealing his need for you to be just as deep as yours for him. He positioned himself again before thrusting, sinking his entire girthy length into you, not giving you time to retort. A guttural, primal moan escaped your throat as your eyes rolled back. Yes. Finally. He feels so big. He feels like... home.
"Aahh, Binnie", you mewled, pushing back, needing him buried balls deep into you, even deeper, the need so massive and overpowering that just for a moment, you even forgot the hate that had been all you had for a year.
"Fuck", he groaned before starting to move, his hips finding a steady, punishing pace without letting you get used to his size.
One of his hands was on your waist, using you as leverage he could lean on, pushing you into the mattress. The other was holding your hip, the one with the bruise, grabbing you hard and tight enough over it for tears to spring to your eyes. He pulled your body to him to meet his every thrust, your backside stinging with each snap of his hips due to the earlier spanking.
"Shit. Ahh, fuck that hurts", you hissed, regretting it right away as you felt his grip on you loosen, his thrusts becoming just a tiny bit gentler, slower.
"Don't fucking stop, I didn't say the safeword", you seethed. After a few thrusts' worth of hesitation, he gripped you again, this time enough to surely cause a new bruise over the existing one. His hips found the punishing rhythm again as he fucked his hardness into you.
"Yes, fuck, just like that", you moaned, matching his thrusts the best you could in the position, arching your back more for him for better access. Your core was already tightening, and you didn't understand how. Why was your orgasm already so close when usually it took you way more with the others?
More friction, more pain, and through it more pleasure. And it never happened without some added clitoral stimulation, which usually was something you had to do yourself, as the guys you chose, purposefully, were too selfish to care.
Now Changbin hadn't even touched your clit, and you were already close, the sting on your ass and thighs heightening the sensation of him moving behind you. The tight grip on your hip was doing the rest. No— actually, that was all him. He was, had been, the missing factor. And fuck you if realizing that didn't hurt, again.
Suddenly Changbin moved, changing his position, now leaning over you, his hips grinding into you as deep as he could go, the tip of his cock pushing against your cervix. Supporting himself on his elbows, he kept moving in you but soon decided on something else. "This won't work", he said as he pulled out of you, earning a whiny grumble from you.
"No. I was beginning to get close", you complained. You hated the loss of contact and the sudden emptiness inside you. "Turn, on your back on the bed", he said, and you did, as fast as you could as he stood up. You pushed yourself further on the bed, grabbing a few pillows and placing them in front of the headboard, and then leaned back onto them, laying on your back, making your body just slightly elevated.
He knelt on the bed as well, then crawled to you, looking a lot like a predator that was after his prey, ready to finish it off. Yes. Come end me, my sweetheart, ruin me from all the rest again. Shaking off the pet name of endearment that slipped through your mind, you opened your legs for him, knees bent and wide. He placed one arm next to your chest, leaning onto it, as he used the other to guide his cock into you again, spearing you with the thick length.
Without a warning or needing some time to figure out how to move best to match with the needs of both of your bodies, he began grinding into you, thrusting deep, hard. Not fast, but hard. Exact, precise snaps of his hips, each one feeling as if he was trying to push even deeper into you.
Your core was tightening around him, the familiar feeling of a building orgasm tingling in the deepest depths of you. "Binnie, I—", you moaned, suddenly void of words to speak. You needed more, you needed something to push you over the edge. And as if he'd read your mind, he shifted his weight onto one arm, leaning onto his elbow, and snaked his other hand up.
He gripped your neck tight, knowing how to choke you without cutting your airways, but adding just the right amount of pressure to send your body spiraling out of control under him. But then, he added a new sensation, his trimmed fingernails pushing against your skin, scraping, stinging, so deliciously that out of nowhere, you exploded around him.
Your walls were clamping, spasming, fluttering around him, making him groan at the added tightness around his cock. Then his lips found yours, and he drank in your moans of pleasure, your whines, as if they were the exact thing he needed to keep breathing. The strength of his thrusts eased, but he replaced it with a faster pace, prolonging your orgasm, making it impossible for you to stop shaking under him.
He parted your lips so he could take a few deep breaths, almost stopping his movements, before pushing himself up on his knees to grab your ankles and to lift them on his shoulders. Then he leaned back forward, supporting himself on his straight arms now, but still bending you in half, trapping you under him in a position where it was difficult to move.
All you could do was just receive his thrusts, and try to not scream. The position made him feel impossibly big inside you, and you rolled your eyes back, the sensation so strong after just orgasming. Then, you fluttered your eyes back open, and found him looking straight into your soul. You couldn't take it.
"Stop looking at me with those eyes while you hate fuck me", you said, your moans of pleasure making you pause between some words. "What eyes?", he asked, deliciously grinding into you while doing so.
"Those eyes that don't hide the fact that you still think the sun rises and sets with me, when both of us know it's not true. You hate me. We're fucking that hate out, taking it out on each other. So don't look at me like that", you replied, your hands grabbing his arms. You wanted to move your hips, to match his thrusts, but in this position you couldn't.
"I don't know if this can be called hate fucking if I don't hate you", he said, pausing his hips for just a few heartbeats before thrusting into you again. Fuck, he knows just how to work your body the way you need it to be worked. "Don't lie", you breathed out, the position making you ache for more movement on your limbs, but you were trapped.
"I'm not. Even if you hate me, I never hated you. I'm just angry things got this far and I didn't do anything earlier to fix them. I'm angry that you've done all this to yourself. I hate the fact that you've been with other men, and it's all my own fucking fault", he countered.
Realizing you needed to move your legs, without words he lifted his body just a smidge so you could slide your legs down his arms, spreading you wide. Changbin moved his arms over them, and as you placed your feet on the bed, knees bent and started to move your hips, grinding under him to match his thrusts, he dropped to his elbows.
His chest pushed your breasts together, and the way he started to grind his hips added just the right type of friction on your clit. Moaning, you uttered your next comeback, not willing to let go of your point. "So you do hate me."
Changbin dipped his head and kissed you, feverishly, and your fingers wound into his hair, now damp from both the gym and sex sweat. You bit his lower lip and he hissed, reacting with a harsher thrust deeper into you. "No, I don't. Don't twist my words. I hate what's happened to us, you, me. But I don't hate you," he murmured against your lips before moving his to the sensitive skin on your neck, right under your ear.
"Same difference," you moaned, moving your hands to his wide back, scratching him a bit, not enough to leave a mark, but enough to scathe, just a bit. "I— fuck me," he grunted, and began to move his hips faster yet again. "I am," you responded, grinning slightly as he snapped his head back up from your neck, looking into your eyes again. His eyes softened just a bit further, making your insides melt.
"Shut up," he huffed out, a small laugh accompanying it. "Then stop looking at me like that, like I said in the first place," you repeated your original plea. "Like what?" he asked, again, wanting you to voice your thoughts. "Like you still love me," you sighed, the sound almost being muffled by your heavy breaths.
"But I do," he replied, dropping his forehead to touch yours. The movement of his hips slowed down, and suddenly it felt like he changed the rules of the game. Like he was making love to you, not fucking you, and definitely not hate fucking, even if that was what this should have been, needed to be.
"No you don't," you whispered, your chest tightening at the dialogue and the feelings it was causing.
You were starting to feel maybe you should have called, begged him to meet you when you were hurting, to explain what happened and why. Maybe you could have worked it all out. And maybe, you would still be together, and you wouldn't be this ruined, tainted excuse of a woman.
"What do you even know, honestly? You walked out, remember?" he said, and brought one of his hands back, tapped the outside of your thigh, signaling he wanted you to wrap your legs around him. So you did, and replied. "Fuck you."
Changbin lifted his head, but not for long, as he descended his lips on yours again. You could feel his smirk. "You're doing that."
This fucker... He made you want to roll your eyes at him, but you settled for scoffing. But the scoff turned into a moan, as your second orgasm was already rearing its head, the explosion just behind a thin veil. "Stop talking and make me come again, so hard that I see stars. Bite me," you said then, and snaked one of your hands between you, to your clit, and started to circle it with just enough added pressure that your body twitched, the thin veil lifting.
"What?" he responded, surprise clear in his tone. "You heard me. Bite me. On my shoulder, my clavicle, my breasts, anywhere. Mark me. Claim me so that anyone can see..." you moaned, sighing onto his lips as he caught your lower lip between his teeth.
And then, he did. Quickly moving his lips from yours to the crook of your neck, he bit you, his teeth sinking into the delicate skin, not enough to break it but enough to surely leave a mark and a bruise. You hissed, the pain surprising you, but it quickly turned into a delicious thrum of added pleasure, making you preen.
Then, he licked the spot he just had bit, your pulse thrumming under his tongue as his cock worked its magic inside you, grinding, thrusting, again at a punishing pace, now hard and fast combined. Just as you pressed and circled your clit once more, he bit you again on your left breast, right above your heart, sending you crash-landing, freefalling, the veil exterminated, utterly destroyed. You screamed out his name, cursing as you reached your ecstasy.
His teeth found your right nipple, and he bit around it, making you drop your feet back onto the mattress. Your back arched so that your chest lifted as you pulsated around his relentless cock, now pistoning into you as fast as he could go, again prolonging your pleasure.
Then your hands cupped his cheeks, suddenly desperately needing his lips on yours, and you pulled him into an intense, burning kiss, as you felt his thrusts becoming sloppy. "Come for me, Binnie," you pleaded against his lips, and it was as if your words were his undoing, because out of nowhere he cursed, groaning as he reached completion, spilling his release into the condom inside you.
You stayed like that for a while, before you untangled yourselves from each other's bodies, him getting up and going into the bathroom to discard the condom. He came back with a warm, wet towel. You were laying on your side, the bruised hip up. You were suddenly deadly tired, exhausted from crying, and blissed out from the best fucking sex you had had in over a year. Probably even more.
"Lift your leg a bit for me, princess," Changbin murmured, and out of familiarity, your body did as he asked. He cleaned you with a towel, even though he hadn't released into you. "You don't have to do all that," you mumbled, but you were too tired to move, to protest further.
"Let me," he replied, and retreated back into the bathroom. He came back with another towel, wet as well. He pressed it onto your hip, on your bruise, making you wince slightly at the warm touch of the fabric on sore skin. Without a word, he left the towel there, went back into the bathroom and came back with two bottles and another wet towel.
He placed the bottles on the bedside table and as he moved your upper body so that he could press the second towel onto the bite marks one by one, rubbing soothingly, you squinted your eyes open. You didn't realize you had closed them. You were so tired.
You blinked a few times, squinting in the dark room to see what the bottles were. Water, and aloe vera. After Changbin was satisfied with the bruises and bite marks, he went to discard the wet towels again, before getting back. You realized he had discarded his clothes, as he was fully naked now.
"Are you awake enough to shower?" he asked you, his voice weirdly gentle. You shook your head. "Too exhausted," you replied weakly. You all of a sudden felt like crying again. All the emotions over what had happened surging towards the surface all at once.
"I'll carry you. You need to shower, at least wash the makeup off. I need to shower. We'll be quick, ok? Then you can sleep here," he said softly, already lifting you, being careful to not touch your hip or spanked ass.
Too tired to protest, you let him carry you bridal style to the bathroom, where the steam of the shower was already filling the air. He set you on the sink counter and wrapped your arms over his shoulders as he removed your ruined tights from your legs, ripping the fabric open on your waist and then sliding the thin fabric off of you.
Then he yanked at your ripped thong, breaking it further so he didn't have to lift you to slide it off of you. Discarding both ruined pieces to the bin, he then scooped you up again and walked you into the shower.
He carefully washed your face, removing any traces of makeup that you hadn't already wiped or cried off. Then he washed your hair, gently rubbing at your sensitive scalp, before soaping up your body and rinsing everything off. Then, quickly, he washed himself one handed while his other arm wrapped around your waist.
You leaned to his chest, the warm water washing away all thoughts, all worries. All you were awake enough to think was that this was where you belonged. In his arms. And it scared you shitless.
Changbin turned the shower off, then dried you thoroughly, rubbing your scalp and hair as dry as he could get it with a towel. Then he added some coconutty leave-in conditioner, and quickly finger combed the worst tangles out. Then, without a word, he braided your hair, and secured the end with a hair tie he had fished out of his toiletry bag.
You recognized it. It was one of the pink and white striped ones you had left at his place.
Once he was done with your hair, Changbin carried you back to the bed, laying you on your back. He cracked the bottle of water open, and offered you a sip, which you eagerly took. After placing the water back on the bedside table, he murmured softly into your ear, "I'll rub some aloe onto your bruises quickly, then you can sleep, ok?" You nodded, not even trying to fight the aftercare anymore.
He made quick work of the bitemarks, rubbing the aloe on them gently, before turning you on your side to treat the hip bruise. Once he was finished with that, he turned you on your stomach, and repeated the process on the sore skin of your ass and upper back thighs. You felt yourself drift off to sleep.
You felt Changbin move you again, onto your side. Before you drifted completely off, you felt him get behind you, snuggling your back against his chest, spooning you, your bare ass against his clothed crotch, spooning you. Right before you fell into a dreamless sleep, you managed one more thought.
It had been far too long from the last time he had cuddled you to sleep.
You opened your eyes, squinting. It was still dark, but it could also be due to the thick curtains Changbin seemed to have pulled over the windows.
You realized he was still snuggling to your back, breathing deeply.
Your heart panged painfully as you remembered his words while you were fucking, his actions after the rough sex.
You couldn't face all the thoughts and memories, not now. You squirmed out of Changbin's hold, and he sighed, moved a little, but seemingly stayed asleep.
You sat up on the edge of the bed, realizing you were still naked. You glanced back at Changbin, his face so peaceful as he slept. You got up, tiptoed to the bathroom to pee. You realized you didn't have any underwear. All you had was your dress and your blazer, your boots.
You needed to get back to your room, where you could slide into your pjs and hopefully get a few more hours of sleep. But the issue was... your heart didn't want you to leave. But your mind was telling you to go, to escape, to run, before he could wake up and ask you to stay.
Because if he did, you were afraid you would, even if it was most likely the worst thing you could do. To stay with a man that had broken you, hurt you, replaced you. And had the audacity to say he still loved you, and didn't hate you even knowing you had fucked anyone willing to cause you pain after him.
You walked back into the room, as silently as you could and grabbed one of Changbin's t-shirts that lay used on the top of his suitcase. Long enough to cover your ass, you thought it would suffice in getting you from his room to yours. You'd return it to him later somehow.
You went to grab your purse, your dress and blazer, all placed neatly on the table next to his suitcase. As you bent down to grab your boots, you heard him speak up, his voice groggy with sleep. "Don't leave." You sighed. Fucking damnit.
"I don't think I should stay, Binnie. You got what you wanted, clearly. I got my high and a few hours of sleep. Don't you think it's the best if I go? There's nothing else to do or say", you replied, picking your boots up, looking at him for a moment before turning for the door. But what he said next made you stop in your tracks.
"But there is. You think you know what happened, but you don't know a thing. I never got to set things right. And I didn't get what I wanted. Not fully. Please. Stay. Let's talk. We owe it to ourselves to talk. I owe you an explanation, an apology."
"I'm not expecting anything. I just want you to know what really happened. I'm not angry at you, I don't care how many guys you've fucked after me, I don't hate you. But if I get to set things right, maybe you'll stop hating me and there won't be more. Will you stay and let me explain?", he pleaded.
You turned back around, looking at him. His eyes were so... earnest, begging for you to come back. "Ok. I'll stay." You walked back, placed your things on the floor, and got back into bed.
Changbin was sitting now, his legs under the covers, his chest bare. You sat in front of him, legs crossed, pulling his t-shirt down to cover your bare nethers. After a few moments of silence, he broke it.
"So how many were there, after me?", he asked, his voice low and quiet. You sighed. You knew he would ask, even if he adamantly said he didn't care. At that moment, you decided that for you to be able to talk, you would need raw honesty. Even if it meant hurting the other with the reply. So you told him the truth.
"I don't know. I stopped counting after ten. There wasn't anyone for seven months at first. And then just a few for the next three. But then I realized I couldn't sleep well without getting someone to consensually cause me pain during pleasure. So I spiraled out of control and stopped counting. I'm sorry."
You dropped your head to look at your hands that were between your legs, playing with the hem of the shirt. Shame washed over you suddenly, scalding your nerves. "You don't have to be sorry. I'm sorry I asked right after saying I don't care how many there were. I'm sorry for everything hurtful I said earlier", Changbin said.
For a few moments you were trying to find the right words to reply to him, but you always circled back to the same thought. So you voiced it, your voice raw with tears you were trying your damndest to not shed.
"I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you. I wish I was, because I'd do anything to go back to... to before it happened. We were happy. I want to be happy again. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel so empty like I have been feeling for a year. What we did tonight, it was rough and it was needed, but all I was able to think while you took care of me after, that this is where I belong, and it scares the living shit out of me. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt again."
Changbin sighed, then rubbed his face with both of his hands, before dropping them on his lap. "You've said it multiple times today, that you're not enough. That couldn't be further from the truth. You always were, more than enough, princess", he then said. Heat lashed in your chest, as the senseless anger began to raise its ugly head again.
"Don't lie, Binnie. You told me you cheated. You left me for someone else, someone who was everything I'm not, someone who was enough for you when I never was. I never was", you countered.
"I never said any of that, though. You did. All I did was go along with what you had cooked up in your overthinking mind, because I realized at that moment, that it was the only way to get you to let me go", he responded, a bit irritated.
"So you wanted me to leave", you fought back, knowing damn well your words made no sense. He never said he wanted you to leave, but somehow it seemed easier to fight back than accept his words as they were. "No! What the fuck? I never wanted you to leave. I never cheated, there was no one else", he lashed out suddenly, annoyance and anger rising once more.
What? He is lying. He is, right?, you think.
"Then why the fuck didn't you say none of it was true? Why did you never try to correct me? Why did you have to break my heart into millions of tiny sharp pieces that I never got to fit back together anymore when you let me believe you had cheated if you never had?" you said, trying not to raise your voice.
You could practically hear your heart cracking a bit more over the realization that all you had believed for a year might be a lie. He didn't cheat on you. He didn't replace you. You did that. You replaced him with multiple others, just because you thought he replaced you. You didn't cheat, but you did replace.
You were starting to feel dizzy. It all could have been prevented, your pain and hurt, your heartbreak, his hurt, if you had just fucking talked.
"Because it was the only way you'd leave me. It was the only way I could protect you," Changbin gritted out, exasperated.
"Protect me from fucking what?" you countered, failing miserably at controlling your tone.
Why are we fighting? He wanted to talk, not to fight.
"From the company," Changbin replied, sighing aggravatedly.
"No, don't bullshit me with that, it wasn't the company's fault you broke my heart and threw me out of your life like yesterday's trash," you spat out. You would not let him blame the company for this.
He was the one who ultimately made the choice to leave you, or to get you to leave him, no matter what the trigger behind it was. It might not have been another girl, if it was the company, but he would need to take accountability here. But why would you need protection from the company? It made no sense.
"No it wasn't, I'm not saying it's the company's fault. It's my fault. I broke under pressure, because I couldn't do it to you, what they were requiring of me, of you," he breathed out, clearly trying to control his tone and agitation.
"You're not making any fucking sense. Why do you even care anymore, why do you feel like you need to explain? It's been a year and you never even tried to contact me once. It's not like you care. You never even loved me," you said, making him snap his head up to meet your eyes, but yours were downcast and looking at your thighs.
"You think I didn't love you?" he asked, clear hurt in his tone. "You didn't. If you did you wouldn't have said you cheated and found someone better if you actually didn't," you said, your words mumbled. You felt the tears again spring to your eyes, hot and blaming. Blaming yourself, even if your words blamed him. I should have called him.
"Stop saying that, I never said that. And I do fucking care. Still do. I still fucking love you, don't you get it? It's because I do that we're in this fucked up situation to begin with," he said, his voice now gentler, tired, breaking slightly at the words 'love you'. He was being vulnerable, honest. And you couldn't accept it.
You swung your legs off the bed and stood up, going to your stuff again. "No, you don't get to do that. I can't take this. This is bullshit, you're lying. Don't fucking tell me you love me when you fucking broke me. I don't even know what's real anymore," you mumbled as the tears were dangerously close to breaking free.
You grabbed your clothes and boots, your purse, and tried to turn to walk away, but Changbin was right behind you, grabbing your waist, turning you to him, making you drop your things. "Don't leave, not again," he pleaded, slight panic in his voice.
"Not again? It's not like I had a choice back then. I thought you had replaced me, fucked someone else, fallen for someone else," you said, looking him in the eyes, the tears now openly rolling down your cheeks. "Princess, I could have never..." he started, but you cut him short. "Then fucking tell me what the fuck are you talking about!" you yelled.
"I LOVE YOU !," Changbin yelled back, looking straight into your eyes, his soul searching for yours, reaching out, his eyes shimmering. He cupped your face, his thumbs brushing your tears away as he continued.
"Ok? I said it already while I had you under me but you didn't want to hear me, you didn't believe me. I love you. I never stopped. I fucking love you so much it tears me apart. I've been dying on the inside for a year and two days because I let you walk out on me. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest with hot cleavers and fucking stomped on when you thought I was cheating, that I had found someone else. But I was a coward and I let you believe that lie your overthinking mind came up with so easily."
"I acted distant like a fucking fool so you would question us, when all I wanted to do was hold you, love you. I went along with the lie your overthinking mind cooked up, because it was the easiest way to make you thoroughly hate me in seconds, because I needed you to. If you didn't, you wouldn't have walked out and I couldn't have protected you. I wasn't able to then. I didn't know how. I know better now."
It took a moment to process everything he said. He was hurting too. He didn't want to break you apart. His hands were still cupping your face. "You needed me to hate you? Why?" you then asked.
"Because it was the only way I knew that would make you leave. And getting you to leave was me trying to protect you. The fact that you so easily believed that I would have been able to cheat on you hurt like I was being burned alive, but I got you to leave. I got you to hate me, like I needed you to," Changbin replied.
"But fucking why?" you asked again.
"Because, the company found out we were dating."
You blinked. "And? It's not like you had a dating ban anymore," you argued and shifted back a bit, making him drop his hands.
"No. But it might as well have been that I did," he responded, letting out a loud exhale.
"What do you mean?" you demanded.
"The company didn't approve. You weren't in the industry. Well, not in the way they'd have approved of. You worked for us, for me. Well not anymore by then because you changed places when we began dating. But you weren't..." Changbin started.
"What?"
"This is not what I think, ok? It's all what our PD, PR, HR, everyone said, but... You weren't attractive enough to be my girlfriend because you weren't Korean. You weren't passable in the media. You'd get me bad press, because you had been my makeup artist. They said my fans would abandon me. I tried to fight it, but hearing everything they would have required you to do if they allowed us to continue... I couldn't ask you to. Wouldn't," he continued.
"I tried negotiating, but they didn't listen. They gave me an ultimatum, and I said I would never ask you to do it all, because to me you're perfect just the way you were, and I knew our true fans wouldn't hate me for dating you. But they shoved the contract down my throat, coming up with a loophole. They said the contract couldn't tell us not to date at all when the ban was over, but it did vaguely tell us who we couldn't."
"It could be read so that staff wasn't on the allowed list. Even if you weren't on staff anymore, you had been when we started dating. So they forced the contract on me, saying I had broken it and that there would be consequences if I either didn't break it off with you or have you change everything about you. I couldn't ask you for that," he explained.
"What did they want me to do?" you then asked, after a few moments of processing the info. Changbin sat down on the edge of the bed, sighing, as if it hurt him to explain all this. "To lose weight. Too much of it. To get a breast reduction. Remove your beauty mark above your lip. Change your hair. Redo your teeth. Get your piercings removed, your stretch marks treated, your tattoos removed."
"To change the way you dress. To get you a personal trainer and a diet, and to change the way you act. The way you talk. They wanted you to become a fucking doll, someone who didn't even look like you anymore, who wouldn't act like you anymore, talk like you. They even went as far as to say you needed a Korean nickname. And I couldn't do that to you," he gritted out, a pained expression on his face.
Was that it? Was that all that broke you apart? "I would have, though. I'd have changed for you," you said then, making Changbin smile weakly. "I know. And that's why I had to push you away, to protect you from what the company wanted you to become, what you would have offered to become to stay with me. I loved you as you were. I still do. I didn't want you to change. I still don't."
You scoffed. "You're fucking stupid as a boot," you blurted out. "Excuse me?" he responded, surprised. "Did you really break us apart for that? Rather than talking it through with me, you allowed me to believe you cheated, that you didn't want me, that I wasn't enough? All for fucking nothing," you fumed, the anger again bubbling to the surface.
"It was not nothing. The company forced my hand, and I couldn't do that to you," he replied, keeping his voice calm.
Gods, he was so annoying when he used to do that while you were fighting when dating.
You lashed out where he stayed calm. You used to never be able to rile him up. "We would have found a way," you countered.
"Back then, no, we wouldn't have," he replied.
"Back then?"
"Yes. Back then. Now I have a way. We renewed our contracts. And just because I never got over you and kept hoping, wishing for a miracle... I negotiated terms that would allow me to be with you, without any company strings attached or conditions you or I would have to meet. It wasn't just me, the guys wanted more freedom on it too, but I pushed on it the hardest," Changbin explained.
You were trying to process his words, your mind running in loops over the fact that he had gone to such lengths, even renegotiating things on their renewed contract... for you? It couldn't be for you. Why would it be?
Even if he didn't cheat on you, didn't replace you, and through some miracle accepted what you had become and still loved you like he adamantly stated... Why would he do that? "What are you saying?" you asked. Changbin paused. He took a deep inhale, then exhaled. And then spoke out. "I'm saying... that I want you back."
No. This isn't real. It can't be. You're dreaming. He couldn't, wouldn't... You pinched your arm, wincing. It was real. "Binnie..." you said, your eyes again watering.
"I do. I mean it. I don't care how many people you were with after me, I don't care how you've changed. I want you, need you back. I need you like I need air to breathe. I've been a complete wreck ever since you walked out, you can ask the guys if you don't believe me. You said you want to be happy again, that you don't want to hurt anymore. We could be happy again. Let me make you happy. I'll make sure I'll never hurt you again. Please."
Your head was spinning. Was he actually saying these words, or were you just imagining it all? All you had wanted, even amongst your hate for him, was to have him back. "But what if I enjoy the pain now? Physical, at least. Emotional, not so much but even that, sometimes," you whispered, somehow ashamed to admit it, even if he had fucked you last night, causing said physical pain to you, and seen you enjoy it.
"Then I'll learn your boundaries and we'll discuss what you want and need, and what I want and need and what we're both comfortable with. But only if you take me back. I can't do this if we won't try again, really try," he replied.
A small sob escaped your throat as your knees buckled, and you knelt in front of him, taking his hands in yours as the world as you knew it crumbled beneath your feet. All your hate had been for nothing. All your hurt, for nothing. And you had clung onto those just because your pride could not take a hit and try to talk to him earlier, like you so desperately wanted to already the evening you walked out.
"Take you back? You should be the one taking me back. I walked out. I thought you cheated and believed the lie my mind came up with when you never even did, you didn't even admit to it but my brain made me believe you had. I did things that should hurt you, disgust you. I should disgust you," you cried, your forehead on his thighs.
"None of it disgusts me. Hurts me? Maybe. But I'll get over it. We'll get over it, if you want, together. I hurt you worse than you hurt me, after all," he replied, his voice so gentle you felt like he was afraid you'd physically break. He knelt with you, hugging you to his chest.
"Did you though? I don't know if it can be measured, if we're both hurting all the same," you said, sobbing into his chest. After a moment, he released you and lifted your eyes to meet his, his hands gently under your chin. "Then we won't. We'll just get over both of our hurts. Will you do it with me? Together?" he responded, and asked, looking at you like his whole world was right in front of him.
"I can't promise easy or things to be how they were before," you said quietly, looking for any signs of hesitation, afraid you would see some. He had turned your whole world upside down and back, all in one night, just like he did a year ago.
This time it didn't hurt any less as it did back then, but it hurt differently. Bittersweetly, as all the regret of the lost time together hit you with the weight and speed of a bullet train, tears again falling down your cheeks. "I'm not even asking for it. I just want you back into my life, princess. For you to be mine," Changbin replied.
"Okay," you agreed. "Ok? You'll be mine again?" he asked, the hope in his eyes multiplying by the milliseconds as they passed. "I always was yours, that never went away even if I tried my fucking hardest," you huffed out, a slight laugh escaping in between the tears. "So you'll stay?"
"Yeah, I'll stay."
