― “...Two Favorite Boys.”
title → “...two favorite boys.”
pairing → changmo x female reader.
synopsis → all you wanted was to be a mother, and sadly that was taken away from you.
word count → 2.3k.
trigger warning → mentions of miscarriage.
a/n → i wanted to take a stab at this and i wanted to do something darker to challenge my writing ability. while writing this, i had discussed the topic with my cousin who happened to have a miscarriage because i didn’t want to be uneducated and so completely wrong. i know that there is a difference between every woman. please read with caution and i hope that this isn’t offensive in any way, shape or form !! because there was so much angst, i wanted to include a little bonus scene at the end to balance it out.
“Y/N, I made you something. I know the kitchen is a mess but I wanted to try a recipe I found online for you,” Your husband of five years greeted you with a plate of messily plated food. He placed the plate in front of you with a goofy smile.
You stared down at the plate of food. You knew he did his best but you couldn’t bring yourself to eat it. You gently pushed the plate forward, standing up from your dining room table and walking toward your shared bedroom, your head hanging just below your shoulder.
You gently closed the door to your room, laying back down in bed as you stared into nothingness, getting lost in your deep dark mind.
Changmo sighed, looked down at his plate. He soon followed suit, opening the door to see you laying in bed. He wasted no time to join you, wrapping his arms gently around you.
You turned around in his arms, snuggling in his chest as you broke into a sob. He pressed a soft kiss to the top of your head, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m right here. Let it all out.”
You had a miscarriage.
For a few long years, you and Changmo had tried for a baby, only to end up with many unsuccessful attempts. Just when you were about to give up, a miracle had happened.
You were pregnant! You were finally going to be a mother! You could cry tears of joy, and most days you had. You were extra careful, making sure to be safe and not overwork yourself. Most days, you had Changmo by your side to do all th hard stuff and make your pregnancy easier.
But tragedy struck. You lost the baby at 16 weeks, just before you could find out the gender of the little human was growing inside of you. You remembered the night clearly.
You had woke up in the middle of the night. You had felt a trickling liquid down your thighs. You sat up, throwing the duvet off of you and almost passing out at the sight. A small pool of blood on your sheets between your legs. You quickly woke Changmo as he quickly carried you to the emergency room, where you found out you lost your little one. For days you couldn’t eat, you couldn’t sleep, you couldn’t drink. You just wanted to disappear from the place of the earth. After all of these years, you finally got the chance to have a child and it was taken from you overnight. For a while, you believed you were being punished by some all-mighty angry god. ‘Why me?’ You often asked yourself during the little moments you got to yourself. Your cheerful nature had disappeared following the loss of your little one. Changmo had wanted you to follow up and go see someone but you refused, believing you could handle it on your own. Saying phrases like, “I got it, I’m strong” or “I’ll be okay” or even “They wouldn’t want to see me so sad”. But you weren’t that strong, you were sad, which was understandable. No one could blame you for being sad. Changmo had noticed your distant behavior, feeling not only as if he lost his unknown little one but also the woman he married. How the miscarriage affected him was only on the inside, while for you it was proving to be both on the inside and outside. Because of that, he would try to never leave you alone. He always tended to your needs, always checking on you a numerous amount of times throughout the day and night, trying to find things to make you feel better and reassuring you that almost every waking moment of every day there was no one that he loved more than you and he was going to be there for you through everything. He was never going anywhere. He rubbed soothing circles into your back as you cried silently, tears wetting his shirt, “Why?” “I don’t know, they say things happen for a reason. Of course, I know that sounds shitty and I barely believe it myself. But I do believe there is a reason that this happened,” He answered just before continuing, “Though we no longer have our little one, I still love you, I still want to support you and be your work. And if I future allows it, I want children with you.” You looked up to him, rubbing away a few stray tears, “But you heard what the doctor said. If I ever did get pregnant again the exact same thing could happen.” “There are other alternatives that are available, Y/N,” He added. “But I want a child that has my DNA and yours,” You confessed, knowing just how selfish you sounded. He placed his head on the back of your head, pulling you back into his arms. He reached down with his free arm, taking your hand gently into his, intertwining their fingers. “While it may be nice to be able to just have your own kids, there’s also a group of little boys and little girls that are less fortunate and who would love to have a warm and safe home with two loving parents. “You want to adopt?” You asked, making the man shrug his shoulders, “I just want to keep our chances open and I want to be open-minded. I wouldn’t mind adopting a kid, would you?” You simply sniffled, looking far away from his guilt-tripping eyes. You wouldn’t mind it. You had always admired parents who had gone out of their way to adopt and take in children. But you didn’t know if you could truly do that. “Y/N, look at me,” He whispered, placing a finger on the tip of your chin, making you look at him. Tears threatened to leave your eyes as your orbs met his gentle ones. He continued, “If you don’t want to adopt then that’s fine as well. We can try as many times as we can to see if we get lucky again. No matter what happens, I will always be here and love the same and I can promise you that. I love you, Y/N.” “I love you too, Changmo,” you cried, just before capturing his lips in a sad, soft kiss. What he had said sparked a thought in you. It made you think. For the next few months, you thought long and hard. Would you be able to do it? Could you even do it? Is adoption the right option for you? You made several situations inside of your head, ones ranging from good to horrible. What if the child you adopted hated you? What if the child you adopted didn’t want to have that connected relationship with you that a mother and her child often have? It kept you up at night while Changmo had fallen into the world of slumber. That night wasn’t any different. You sat up in your shared bed with Changmo in the middle of the night, replaying scenarios inside of your head of adoption, while Changmo laid next to you half-sleep. He had known you were awake and in deep thought. All he wanted you to do was finally be at peace and be able to relax. “Y/N, lay down. It’s almost 2 in the morning, you need your sleep,” He mumbled tiredly as you turned your head to him. You did as he said, turning your back to him which allowed him to wrap your arms around you, making you the little spoon. He kissed the nape of your neck and hummed. “Changmo, let’s adopt.” His eyes shot open as he sat up. He thought he didn’t hear you right as he was half asleep. You looked over your shoulder at him, repeating it, “Let’s adopt. I thought about it for a lot and I think that I want to adopt a kid.” “Really?” “I was scared to adopt because I didn’t want to bring in another child to fill the void in my heart from the miscarriage. I was also scared because I didn’t think I could replicate the relationship between a biological mother and her biological child have. But now I see, none of that shit matters. And I want to take that next step with you if you are still up for it.” You giggled, muttered to yourself, “If I could really see in here I bet you’re in tears right now.” And you were right, he was in tears. He sniffles silently, “You know I get emotional.” “Of course I do, no one cried as much as you did at the wedding,” You mentioned, leaning up, pressing your lips on his warm ones. “I would love to adopt a child with you, Y/N.” For the next few months, the two of you had done the research, figuring out what you wanted and what was right for you. And you believed you had finally found it. And today for the first time, you and the love of your life would be heading into the foster home that was the closest to you. Changmo helped you out of the car, closing the door behind you. You let out a relieved sigh, seeing as you were here now. ‘I can do this’ You thought to yourself as a small voice knocked you out of your thoughts. You turned your head to the right to see a boy no older than 5 years old, running after a stray cat. You couldn’t help but smile at how adorable he saw. Changmo placed an arm around you as the two of you walked in to be greeted by a kind social worker. The social worker had shown you around, introducing you to child after child. You couldn’t lie, all of them were great and if you could adopt each of them you would. Changmo was focused on bringing home a daughter, knowing how much you had talked about having a daughter even before you got married. But you little boy from earlier had clouded your mind. You wanted to know his name, you wanted to see who he was. Toward the end of the tour, you excused yourself to have a moment alone, leaving Changmo and the social worker to continue to talk. You walked down the hall of the foster home, looking out the window to see the boy from earlier. The other workers had seemed to be too busy to be paying attention to him. Your eyes had widened and your heart dropped into the pit of your stomach as you watch the boy collapse onto the hard pavement of the sidewalk. Without a second thought, you ran outside and to the boy’s side. A string of ‘no’s’ left your mouth as the little boy slowly sat up and revealed the cut on his cheek. Tears had formed in his eyes, as he sniffled. You ducked down next to him, taking the cloth from the sleeve of your jacket and gently wiping away the blood, “Are you okay? You poor thing. Does it hurt? Should we go get a bandaid?” Your soft touch kept him calm, his sad eyes looking into your hopeful ones. You had reminded him much of his birth mother. “What’s your name?” He asked you, ignoring your questions. You gave him a smile, “Y/N. What is yours?” “(Boy’s Name),” He answered. “Nice to meet you, B/N. Come on, let’s go get you a bandaid.” He nodded. You helped him up, taking his small hand into yours, walking him into the home. You found a first aid kit, placing him on the chair, cleaning his cut and placing a bandaid over it. You kissed the cut, “Hopefully that will make it better.” Changmo and the social worker had watched you from across the room. “I can’t believe it. She’s gotten through to B/N. He’s one of our youngest and he’s been here for a little while. We feared he wouldn’t be able to open up to anyone ever again.” Changmo smiled, watching you tend to the young boy, seeing you smile like you hadn’t in months, “We want him.”
( bonus ) “B/N! B/N! KU B/N!” You yelled from down the stairs, finally hearing small feet slowly coming down. You were met with your son in his school uniform, twirling the tie around his neck with a small pout. You quickly rushed over to him, scooping him up in your arms and peppering his face in loving kisses. “MOM~! QUIT IT~!” “You look so cute! You look like a little man! Oh, it’s my baby’s first day of school! I might cry!” Changmo walked down the stairs, keys in hand and baseball cap on his head, “You ready to go, B/N?” “If mom would put me down,” Your son whined. “Honey, don’t squeeze him too tight.” You put your son down, kneeling in front of him as you fixed his tie, “I hope you have a good day at school. I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you off for your first day but I promise I’ll pick you up after school, okay?” B/N nodded. You tapped your cheek with the tip of your finger as B/N kissed where your finger had touched. “Have a good day at school. I love you.” “I love you too.” The little ball of energy, ran toward the front door, waiting for his father. Changmo shook his head at the boy as you stood tall. You opened your mouth to speak only for your husband to cut you off, “Be sure to walk him into the school and make sure he knows his way around before leaving, I got you Y/N. I know, baby. I love you, I’ll see you tonight.” You gave him a quick kiss goodbye, as you watched him take B/N’s hand into his own and walk out of the front door. You couldn’t help but recall the dark time of your life. Finding B/N was like finding light in a dark tunnel. You had a son, he had a home, and finally shared the sacred bond of my mother and her child. It was all worth it. “I don’t know what I would do without them. My two favorite boys.”