So in the fandom I usually get asked "Are you a Sam Girl?" "Are you a Dean Girl?" "Are you a Cas girl?" "Crowley?" etc etc etc
I revel in reading, learning, researching. I have books piled everywhere. I definitely have different visions of reality and life compared to most of my family, aside from most immediate and adopted by the heart. I've never quite fit in with the majority of my family, with one person being the exception. Been called weird, or a freak or strange all my life. I consider them compliments when others say it. But not always when I say it about myself. I'm often quiet, reserved, but don't mistake my silence for weakness or as a sign of uncaring.
I tend to try to just bury things. try not to think of things. even when faced with the person. And if the thoughts i want to avoid start coming, do something to distract myself. music. online play. take a tax class, clean the house, read, write, draw house plans, just don't deal with it. not healthy, but it's how i roll. But sometimes, I get to the point, like many do, that I have to let it out. I've locked so much away, deep inside of me that if I don't let one thing out, I'll fucking explode or destroy everything within striking range. I enjoy the simpler things in life, as long as I have music, I'm happy for weeks. As long as I know I can drive to get what i need, don't have to rely on other, I'm golden.
I am, frankly confused by most people. I don't interact with a lot of them, outside of work, unless they are of a chosen few. I like to watch life, to see how things work. I'm curious about things, people, how they think. I ask weird questions, wondering why they did this or that. Not to be judgmental or comparative, just honest curiosity. I like to listen to stories people tell, be they 6 or 60; doesn't matter the subject or if I know anything in relation to it. I will bounce from reading Stephen Hawkiing, to Supernatural book, to porn, to Dante's Infero, to the Mayfair Witches, to IRS rules and regulations, to Archie comic books.
I always worry about those closest to me, or my heart the most. Even above the health or sanity of myself. I will do pretty much anything they ask of me, if I physically can, because they are family, blood or not. I'm always trying to help others, any way I can. I may not be able to protect them, maybe not even their feelings. If all I can do is listen, then I will. I spend so much of my time worrying what I can do to others, those I care about deeply, even to those who have slighted me over something that makes no sense.
If I give my word, I do anything I can to keep it. If I have to go two days without sleep to finish crocheting a 17inch tall Eeyore for my sister-of-the-heart, so she gets it before she delivers her first child I do it. If I have to stay in the office to finish my work, or work for another and end up being there 14 hours when I was only on the schedule for 6, I do it. I don't see myself as scary or unapproachable, but if I want to be left alone, I will be. I can project my aura to the point that people will cross the street rather than walk within 15 feet of me.
One person did me wrong long ago, and at the same time I sat thinking upon this person, wishing that something evil would happen to them, so THEY could feel the same hurt, pain, humiliation, and dejection that I had felt..... They were accosted in an alley, robbed, stabbed and sent to the hospital. The person blamed me, calling me a witch, saying I had cursed them. After getting out of the hospital, the person abandoned their life, and moved across the country to get away from me, for fear that if they wronged me again, they'd die. But it was not my doing.
So in each of the characters from Supernatural that I mentioned above, Sam, Dean, Cas, Crowley.. and frankly in many others, I see many little things I can relate to. Yes, frankly, they are all played by good looking, talented actors, but there's more to each than looks. Or talent. Each is an amalgam, just like you or me. They are the creation of writers, the actors... how we see them, their actions, and total visage shaded by the outfits picked for them, the sets the appear on, the props they use, they effects in the scene around them, the emotions shining from the actors. An ideal created from many bits and pieces.
So I am, #TeamSupernaturalHarem. I still say I can't *truly* pick one above the rest. I see a lot of them in me and vice versa, a credit to each.
