#chaoticbau

[criminalmindsfanantic]

Emily, crying laughing: JJ was on a conference call and I just heard her say the words “which part of the ‘No’ did you not understand - the ‘nuh’ part or the ‘oh’ part?”

Emily: She’s out here rejecting bureaucrats the same way she tells Michael and Henry they can’t have snacks 😂

[reidxtrminds]

Hotch: I think we should adopt another kid.

Haley: No.

Hotch: Why ?

Haley: Because by "kid" you mean "adult from your team" and we already have four of those.

Hotch, holding up Spencer: Five.

[prentisszlover]

Reid: Hey Emily, may i ask you whats your pronouns?

Emily: I identify as a threat. My pronouns are Try/Me.

Hotch:.....

[dexterspnobsessed]

Hotch: "yk.. some of the things you do and say aren't exactly normal.."

Reid: "the concept of normal is jus what old middle aged men made up because they couldn't stand the difference of human kind."

Hotch: "... Okay-.."

[spencer-charnas-ix]

How to give an unsub a midlife crisis with SSA Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner and SSA David Rossi - A Criminal Minds Fanfic

A/N: I randomly thought of this idea of Hotch and Rossi being victims of an unsub and the unsub's planning to kill them, but Hotch and Rossi just make fun of them and make them cry and have a midlife crisis because why not and it would be hilarious, and we need sassy Hotch and Rossi🤣

"Oh, for god sake, why the hell did we get kidnapped?" Aaron Hotchner said, rolling his eyes as he was tied to a chair with his co-worker/friend David Rossi.

"I have no clue, but to be completely honest I don't care" Rossi shrugged, sighing deeply, as they heard a voice crackle from a nearby speaker.

"Welcome, SSA Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner and SSA David Rossi, it's a pleasure to see you," The voice said

Hotch rolled his eyes. "Great, it's fucking jigsaw; what is this the saw franchise" He mocked

"Yeah, are we gonna be killed by John Kramer?" Rossi interjected with a scoff

"Or better yet, are we going to play a game?" Hotch added with a tired sigh

"Hey, I'm not John Kramer!-"

"Oh really, I hadn't noticed." Rossi mocked sarcastically

"Well, I'm here to kill the both of you, and I'm going to enjoy-" The unsub said before Hotch interrupted him.

"Spare us the villain monologue; we've heard it all before," Hotch said, rolling his eyes.

"Why are you both so mean?" The unsub whined, feeling annoyed

"Oh gee, we have a ton of damn reasons why", Rossi explained, rolling his eyes

"First of all, we've had no sleep; our sanity is gone, and we have to deal with our chaotic mentally ill work children, AKA our team, and we've turned into major alcoholics from it", Hotch explained condescendingly.

"But you know I am still gonna kill you both-"

"Oh, please kill us that way; we won't have to deal with our stupid, mentally ill work children." Hotch interrupted, looking bored of the conversation

The unsub came into the room, but their face was covered. They were wearing a black hoodie, jeans, trainers, and a Jason Voorhees mask with a voice modulator embedded in it.

"Wonderful, we're gonna get murdered by Jason Voorhees," Hotch said, scoffing

"Great, let me guess, you have mommy issues; what's the matter missing your mother, Pamela or better yet, did you drown in Camp Crystal Lake because of your deformed face?." Rossi sneered as Hotch laughed

"HEYYY, STOP CALLING ME JASON VOORHEES, AND MY MOTHER ISN'T PAMELA, AND I DIDN'T DROWN AT CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE BECAUSE OF MY FACE!"

"Oh, quit your whining; I mean, honestly, how are you going to kill us, huh? You gonna bore us to death," Hotch mocked as Rossi burst out laughing.

"No I-i'm gonna set you both on fire!" The unsub shouted angrily

"Oh really you're gonna set us on fire, and when you do play 'This girl is on fire' when we die, it'll be funny", Rossi laughed as Hotch nodded, laughing.

The unsub started getting upset and had a mid-life crisis due to the mocking, mimicking and other insults Rossi and Hotch had thrown at them.

Meanwhile, Hotch had been on the phone with the FBI SWAT Team the whole time as he and Rossi were also free from their restraints, but they acted like they were still tied up.

"Also, you know I've been on the phone with the FBI SWAT Team all this time, right? You boys can come in now!" Hotch said into the phone as the SWAT Team arrested the unsub as Hotch and Rossi got up from their chairs and left the warehouse they were trapped in.

"God I need a drink", Rossi said, pushing his hair back with a tired sigh

"Me too, wanna go back to the office and drink all the booze we have?" Hotch suggested

Rossi grinned. "You read my mind, Aaron"

Both men laughed as they went back to the office after a long, tiring day and drank like it was no tomorrow.

[chabotts]

jennifer jareau.

[criminalmindsfanantic]

Emily: I dare you-

Hotch: Reid is not allowed to accept dares anymore.

Emily: Why not?

Reid, begrudgingly : "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety"

[criminalmindsfanantic]

JJ: *Hugs Emily from behind*

JJ: *Tucks Emily’s hair behind their ear*

JJ, whispering: Eat my cheetos again and they'll never find your body.