Pride, Narcissism and Prejudice- Chapter 25
Mai roamed around the room aimlessly, picking up books only to put them down almost immediately. She needed to concentrate on something else than the events of the past few days which were whirling in her mind and leaving her no mental rest.
A glance to the library window showed her the depressing sight of the garden, transformed into a dirty puddle of mud thanks to the rain which had fallen without a stop in the last few days. The weather was cold, damp and windy, preventing any stroll out of the house, effectively trapping the young lady indoors.
Mai averted her eyes and grabbed the very same book she had forsaken just a few seconds ago. Boredom was eating her heart out, and she wished for nothing but some distraction. She had used a headache as a pretext not to accompany the Haras in their visiting the neighbourhood, but was almost regretting her decision. She had spent three days in almost complete solitude in her bedroom, the only place where she could avoid her foster mother constant complaints and recriminations, and she was tired of the loneliness.
Even if Lord Hara had judged her reasons acceptable enough, Lady Hara was still beyond angry that her charge had dared refuse such a wonderful suitor that was Takigawa, and didn't miss an occasion to spew her venom at the orphan. The unfortunate Masako had spent all of her time with her mother, the old lady asking for her presence by her side every second with the pretense of calming her supposedly weak nerves, leaving her daughter unable to provide Mai any comfort.
Even the gossip-loving Ayako hadn't dared to visit, to Mai's astonishment and disappointment. She had hoped her good friend would come to relieve her of her boredom and sorrow, if only to hear about what happened between Takigawa and herself. Alas, the only person who had shown at the Hara's door so far was the despised Shibuya, just after the whole proposal debacle. Of course he had been politely dismissed since no one in the house was eager to receive him in these troubled circumstances, but now Mai was in such a miserable state of melancholy that she would have been happy to have even the company of this willful deceiver.
Just as she was about to leave the room with a Plato's anthology (while promising herself to ask Masako for a more entertaining gothic novel later) Mai heard the ring at the front door.
She frowned, worried. A glance at the window told her that the rain outside had picked up in intensity and she hadn't heard any carriage coming, meaning whoever was calling at this time had come by foot or riding, probably to deliver some urgent news. She hurried toward the sound, praying that her family and friends were not into any trouble. She passed Jenkins on her way and informed the servant that she would see for their visitor herself, relieving the busy maid of this task.
Mai mechanically checked the propriety of her attire and opened the door anxiously, heart pounding. But instead of the messenger she had been expecting stood Naru in soaked riding clothes, his wet hair dripping on his aristocratic nose.
The lady stayed speechless for a second, mesmerized by the sight. Even soaked to the bone with clammy hair sticking on his face Naru still looked dashing. And his eyes hadn't lost their intensity, still boring into hers like searching for her soul.
"Nar… I mean, mister Shibuya!" she finally stuttered, the fake name leaving a bitter taste in her mouth.
She mechanically stepped aside to let the gentleman find shelter, which he did without wasting time, only to stand awkwardly in the hallway.
Mai wondered what had led him to come in this horrible weather. Saying that she hadn't expected his arrival was an understatement, and finding him alone at her doorstep came as an even bigger unpleasant surprise. Shibuya was never paying any visit without Yasuhara at his side...
A striking thought came to Mai's mind. Had Yasuhara encountered some misfortune? Was Naru seeking for help? Her anguish was rapidly growing and the rare look of uncertainty Shibuya was sporting did nothing to appease her worry. She raised expectant eyes at the gentleman, waiting for him to state the reasons of his presence at the mansion. He stared back, apparently trying to assess something about her, but didn't utter a word.
"Is everything alright? I mean, is everyone faring well at Netherfield? Mai finally asked, truly concerned.
"Yes, yes they are, at least they were an hour before," replied the man, seemingly realising how ominous his visit should appear to the lady.
"I see, that is a relief," Mai exhaled, reassured.
An uneasy silence stretched for some uncomfortable seconds before she spoke again, unsure of how to handle the gentleman's presence.
"… Lord and Lady Hara are currently out visiting a neighbour," she stated lamely, hoping it would be enough of an incentive for Naru to leave. She was currently unchaperoned, which made receiving a gentleman certainly improper.
But the man didn't appear fazed neither by the absence of the Hara family nor the rain still dripping from his coat.
"I see. May I come in?" he asked, unperturbed.
After a slight hesitation Mai closed the front door and smiled politely.
"Naturally you may come in. There is a fire lit in the morning room," she informed more warmly than she intended to sound.
She wasn't especially happy to see Naru of all people, since the wound of his deception was still fresh and hurting. But despite her resentment she couldn't find the heart to let him go back outside in such an awful weather when he was so obviously drenched. It was her christian duty to offer him shelter... Not to mention, boredom was probably altering her judgement.
Relief shone in Shibuya's eyes for a fleeting moment before he followed Mai to the the room without a word. A meager fire was indeed burning in the fireplace, and the gentleman eagerly removed his wet gloves to place them on the mantel before absorbing himself in the contemplation of the glowing embers.
Mai sat nervously on a chair, waiting for him to announce his reasons for coming unannounced. But her guest didn't seem to be inclined to start any civil conversation, as he was resolutely turning his back at her in the most rigid posture, his eyes stubbornly set on the fireplace.
The silence in the room, only sporadically broken by the crackling of the wood logs, soon became oppressive. Irritated by his lack of courtesy and unable to stand his quietness any longer Mai decided she didn't care about being polite anymore. She opened the verbal hostilities without second thoughts.
"I was extremely surprised to see you riding haphazardly in this weather," she said with faked naiveness, "I thought gentlemen these days had more discernment. I suppose I gave them too much credit," she smiled innocently, secretly jubilating about throwing his own words back at him.
Naru took the bait as he finally resolved to face her, his sharp features looking even more serious than usual.
"Thankfully, people are able to learn from their mistakes," he retorted with a slight smirk, quoting Mai's own reply. "Please do not dismiss my entire sex for this one error of judgement."
"You are indeed right, Mr Shibuya, I should not generalize. I was just under the impression that you were above such faults. Could it be that I was mistaken?"
Naru smiled bitterly but stayed mute, apparently lost in thoughts, to Mai's utmost irritation. What was his purpose for coming if he kept ignoring her? She was about to comment on his lack of affability when she noticed the bluish tint of his hands. She felt her anger fade a little, replaced by sympathy. Spring had merely begun after all, and riding in the rain must have been a freezing experience. She swallowed her biting remark and reached for the bell instead.
"How thoughtless of me, making light conversation when you must be feeling extremely cold! Let me ring Jenkins to get you a towel and some hot tea…"
As she was about to act upon her words when Naru put an icy hand on her arm to stop her. Mai shivered at the contact, unable to tell if it was from the cold or the unexpected intimacy of the gesture.
"No," she heard his deep voice say, "it is unnecessary, I shall not stay for long."
Mai only nodded, her throat suddenly dry. The situation was highly improper. She shouldn't be alone with him. She shouldn't accept such physical contact, she shouldn't…
She felt his hand leave her sleeve hesitantly and she heard him let a shaky exhale out. Was he nervous? Did he really have some bad news to tell after all? Or did he simply realised the impropriety of his behaviour?
Mai turned to face him, decided to enquire boldly about his motives for coming and then to ask for him to leave. But she lost all ability to speak when her eyes caught sight of his. He was looking at her with something akin to raw desperation and an intensity that took her breath away. He was so close to her she could smell his odd scent of old books and black tea, mixed with damp leather and spring rain.
Oh he was close, and his face was coming even closer by the second. Who was coming to the other, Mai couldn't tell, all she could think about was the single raindrop which was threatening to fall from his damp hair just above his right eyebrow, and how the colour of his eyes was similar to dark skies just before a storm. They were so close she could clearly see the trails of water on his neck disappearing into his starched cravat, so close that the faint smell of tea was now overpowering...
A sudden loud crackle from the fire startled the pair and broke the spell Mai was under. She took a step away from the gentleman, face colouring and blood pounding in her ears. What had the both of them been doing? She hated the man, right?
It took her a moment to realise Naru was speaking.
"To answer your previous question, I thought I was above such ridiculous behaviour. But these past few days it seems that I haven't been able to act reasonably."
The gentleman let an ironical laugh out.
"I even walked in the rain to come here. How foolish is that?"
Before Mai could answer he resumed.
"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you that you are the reason why I am standing here, drenched and feeling like an idiot!"
"M...me?" asked Mai, befuddled.
"You," confirmed Shibuya, looking almost angry. "Because since I first saw you you invaded my mind entirely. Because as much as I despise the fact, I have to admit that no rationality can apply when it comes to my feelings for you. My sense of pride and rationality had always opposed to inclination, but it seems you reduced them to naught. I need to tell you... to let you know... that I love you."
Mai blinked, confusion and doubt mingling in her mind. The whole scene looked surreal, and she wondered for a brief second if she was dreaming. Was the prideful Naru declaring his undying love for her?
A part of her felt flattered, she couldn't deny it. After all, she had had delusions in which the gentleman spoke similar words, claiming his love in humble ways. However this was before she learnt that Shibuya was a lie. But if the man were to admit his deception, and speak the truth, then maybe…
Taking her silence as an encouragement, the gentleman went on, his nervousness slowly letting place to his usual air of certainty.
"I thought that your engagement to your cousin would free me from my torment. However, news came recently that you were not to walk the marital path with Takigawa. I then came to the conclusion that I should embrace this unexpected inclination, since I do not seem able to fight it."
Mai refrained a frown at his words. Was he implying that harboring feelings for her was a bother?
"I never destined myself to being tied by a matrimonial bond, but the benefits it could provide on both parts won over my reluctance. Although I know that money is not enough to entice you, my wealth would guarantee you freedom from want. I am aware that you have neither a grand name nor connections, but be certain this matter would never be held against you nor evoked after our wedding. I know about the predicament of being an orphan and I sympathise, more than you could imagine."
He looked somber for a moment before resuming.
"My own benefit in this association would mainly be the appeasement of my mother, who is quite insistent about me settling and establishing a home. I used to think it was a silly idea, since I have never longed for domestic happiness, but meeting you had me think twice. I can assure you of my probity and good character, and that I am willing to work toward a mutual understanding between husband and wife. I admit I am stubborn and proud, and you probably have faults of your own, but I do believe that we could be of good influence on each other. Therefore, I hope you will do me the honour of accepting my hand."
If Mai had held any hope at the beginning of his speech, it was now long forgotten. She had been touched at first, but the more Naru spoke, the more angry and resentful she got. She forced herself to stay calm and collected to answer.
"You see me extremely sorry to have caused you such torment, rest assured that it was unintentional. Since you worded very clearly how disagreeable your inclination toward me was, you shall be relieved to hear that I wholeheartedly refuse your offer."
The gentleman looked at her with unabashed incredulity and irritation.
"Miss Mai, once again you must have misunderstood…"
"And pray tell," she interrupted heatedly, "what I have misunderstood? You told me without any regard for civility that your feelings toward me only happened against your will, that you fought this inclination as hard as you could, in regard to my poor condition in life, so beneath yours thanks to my lack of name and connections. That you love me despite yourself, and that you would settle for marriage for the sake of appeased relations with your mother. I do not understand how you could think that your coming here to insult me would result in matrimonial bliss!"
"So this is what you think of me and my intentions!" cried Shibuya indignantly. "It is a biased interpretation of my words! Would you have prefered a flowery speech celebrating your beauty and flattering your pride? My confession was an honest depiction of my feelings and scruples, because I do believe that being truthful is what matters the most, above the deceiving appearances of civility!"
Mai felt her blood boil, and she was glad she hadn't rung the maid for some tea. Had she had a cup in hand, it would have ended on the gentleman's head. It took her all her willpower to answer without shouting.
"How dare you insinuate that disguise is your abhorrence, when you are so willfully hiding who you are, even from the supposed object of your affections?"
Shibuya looked genuinely startled at her statement and opened his mouth, probably to protest, but Mai wasn't finished.
"How could you come here to propose while hiding even your name from me, and have the nerve to pretend being the epitome of truthfulness? I assume you are surprised, sir, that I am aware of this deception of yours," she snarled, "and that you now wonder how it was brought to my attention. I will satisfy your natural curiosity by saying that a good friend of mine fortunately heard you introduce yourself under another name. They thought of importance to warn me about you."
Mai was panting, the anger, disappointment and desire for revenge which had fueled her rant slowly fading into tiredness. Shibuya's face was so pale and his features so taut that she almost took pity on him.
"Who told you?" he asked in a strangled voice. "And why did you kept quiet?"
"At least you have the decency not to deny it! I did not tell a word out of respect for the Yasuharas, who such revelations may affect. My friend, whose anonymity I should keep, advised you may have had valid reasons for hiding your identity, too. Do not fear about me, mister Shibuya, for I did not learn about your real patronym, nor I am willing to hear it. I now know enough about your character to assert with confidence that I do not want to be associated with you ever again."
"All my actions have a respectable justification," declared Naru with commendable composure, "yet you refuse to hear about them? I do not think I deserve such unfair prejudice. I have never lied about my financial situation, my character nor my standing in society. I thought my name was of no importance, if you were to find the man agreeable enough."
"Unfair prejudice?" laughed Mai bitterly. "Would you have acted in a more gentleman-like manner I would have wanted to hear your reasons. But whatever your name, you are the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry."
Shibuya's face turned a whiter shade at the affront. He went back to the mantelpiece in a single stride and picked up his gloves and hat swiftly.
He then turned to Mai one last time, cold disappointment and mortification visible on his finely chiseled features.
"You once told me forgiveness was a virtue, yet it is the sort of kindness you refuse to show me. You keep arguing about my pride, but I find yours more overbearing even. I do wonder, who is the deceiving one in the end?"
With these words he left the room, and Mai heard him the next moment open the front door. She collapsed into the nearest armchair, her whole body trembling in an exhausting mixture of anger, relief and pain.
It was finally over.
She had managed to tell the despised Shibuya that he hadn't fooled her, that she didn't want him, that he was everything she loathed. She had had the pleasure to reject him, she should be rejoicing, good riddance!
But in her solitude and the suffocating silence of the house, his last accusatory words were weighing heavily in her mind.
AN: Phew, this was really hard to write! I'm not sure I'm completely happy with the outcome, but this chapter needed to come out at some point. Do not hesitate to share your thoughts about the scene with me, criticism is always welcome :)
