fallin’ to pieces
@mutanthope - pre-event/plot drop
Once Bucky got away from Steve he had no direction in mind, no destination, just that he needed to get away from him. If he didn’t get far enough away he feared he would just go back and find him again even though it wouldn’t do any good. Steve had made his choice pretty damn clear and obviously Bucky couldn’t do anything to change his mind. He’d tried everything he could think of, after all, even after reeling from the shock of it and none of it had done any good.
By the time Bucky finally stopped running, he wasn’t quite sure where he was and he didn’t really care to get his bearings at the moment. The further away from everyone and everything the better. Mostly, it seemed to be an abandoned parking lot where the cars that had been left here, either from people who ended up outside the zone or had run out of gas has left them months ago. It felt like there was a cold wind blowing through him in the hollow Steve had carved out inside him and like nothing was going to warm him. He kept going over the conversation they’d just had, couldn’t seem to help it, and both the anger and the pain roared to the surface. With a yell he put his vibranium arm through the nearest car window. The violence seemed to unleash a torrent and while tearing his arm out he tore the door off the car, tossing it aside before he took out his frustrations on the rest of it. Even as his body moved he saw different things, the conversation with Steve but also just a flood of memories from his life that involved Steve.
Don’t do anything stupid until I get back. How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.
I thought you were dead. I thought you were smaller. Bucky had worked so hard to get his memories back but now his mind was tormenting him with them, flooding him with all kinds of memories of Steve, all of which made him ache because none of them, not any of it, was strong enough to make Steve choose him. Their whole relationship seemed to play out in front of him, from their childhood to other moments, as if tormenting him with what he could no longer have. How could it all not matter to Steve as much as it had mattered to Bucky?
Thank you, Buck. But I can get by on my own. The thing is, you don’t have to. I’m with you ‘til the end of the line, pal.
I don't know if I'm worth all this to you. What you did all those years, it wasn't you. You didn't have a choice. I know... but I did it.
He was in his head but his body was still moving, still working out all the emotions and rage Bucky couldn’t seem to process as he watched his life with Steve. It was only when the pain and exhaustion finally took over and he fell to his knees that he looked up and realised what he’d done. All the cars in the parking lot were mangled and destroyed, the wreckage strewn throughout the place like it had been hit by a hurricane. The snow fell around him and Bucky lowered his face into his hands, shoulders shaking, feeling like someone had ripped holes in him that were never going to be filled.
