something something xiao is so used to seeing himself as a weapon and dehumanising himself that intimacy and affection would at first make him feel like a voyeur in his own skin
it's not "oh he doesn't know love." he knows love, he knows it so intimately. that's the reason he's the way he is, the loss of it is what eats away at him. if xiao didn't know love he would never have let his brother strike him over and over without once retaliating
but. something physical. something intimate. when you stop doing something you slowly become a stranger to it. to reacquaint yourself– that takes time
so perhaps he'd observe his actions and reactions a little too carefully. perhaps he'd be a bit insincere at first– rehearsed, inorganic. xiao is used to pretensions
but i think there would be something very beautiful about him once again becoming intimate with love, no matter what form
"I'm tired," Lucifer said aloud. the inhale hurt. the statement didn't come out like it should have. Lucifer didn't feel exhaustion. and yet.
Xiao and Yelan were the only ones awake — the other three (and Ushi) had long passed out. Itto was literally snoring with his eyes open. Shinobu had wound up tucked beneath his arm, Yanfei curled in her own blanket by their feet.
"define tired," Yelan prodded, eyes soft in the dim light. she still had her coloured contacts in from her mission earlier that afternoon. Lucifer would have to remind her to take them out.
"just... tired," Lucifer shrugged, dragging a hand over their eyes. it was novel, actually. weight in their eyelids, Xiao's clawed fingers in their hair; they assumed weaving some kind of braid. it had been years since they'd thought of getting anything like this.
"well, your journey's over," Yelan pointed out, rubbing at her own face. seemed she'd remembered her contacts on her own, based on the self-deprecating groan she let slip. "you could sleep."
"you could sleep for decades, if you want," Xiao added quietly, hands stilling as he leaned against their back. "do what Barbatos does. wake up when you feel like it, then go back to sleep for however long."
"I suppose." Lucifer tilted their head to catch a glimpse of him; just enough for their tail to find his leg. the harmless weight prompted him to curl in closer, shooting a glare over their shoulder when Yelan snickered.
"...I might," Lucifer conceded, ducking their head. "I could sleep in Mondstadt, since Dvalin and Durin both live in the ruins and nobody goes that deep into the ruins anymore."
"or come to Liyue instead," Xiao offered, pointedly ignoring Yelan. again. "you'd get the same seclusion among the adepti as you would those ruins, with even more security — and we can make sure you remain stable until you wake up."
"hm. good point."
"you just want to be able to watch them sleep," Yelan cut in, waving her bottle of Fonta at him. "at this point, I can't even imagine you as anything other than their guard dog."
"I am nobody's guard dog."
"sure thing, bird boy."
"okay, enough." Lucifer stuck an arm up, blocking their view of each other. "I'll consider it. really, there's somewhere I could hide in every nation."
"you're not sleeping in Silvermoon Hall."
"I was thinking more... getting Flins to make me a grave on his island." Lucifer grinned. "it'd fit my vibe."
"no."
"fuck you mean, no?"
"I mean no. want me to say it in Fontainian? non."
"shut up. go take your contacts out. and then go to bed."
I just found this on pinterest (had to reverse search it so I could find the artist) AND it made me think about the post you made yesterday about having a child with xiao. So IMAGINE having a son that looks exactly like xiao (your genes didn’t even TRY) and you actually love it so much that your son is literally just a mini copy of your husband, and xiao watching you being so happy slowly understands why you love him, and slowly starts being a little easier on himself too cause he just looks at this precious child, the result of your love, and he looks like him, he looks exactly like him, and xiao starts believing that maybe there isn’t just irredeemable evil to him (crying over xiao accepting who he is through seeing you love your son and loving his son so much and so deeply that now he understands all your talks of loving him and him being worthy of everything good life has to offer). Screaming, crying, throwing up, this is all so extremely all over the place and usually I really don’t give a fuck about children with the blorbos and that whole spiel— but the idea of a child that looks exactly like him sksksk he’s so cute and pretty and maybe it’s a way for xiao to reconcile with his younger self too cause your son is just like xiao was, so sweet and gentle and kind, he just wants to dance in the grass and pick flowers, and he cries easily and rn I’m crying too bro TF have you done to me user iratempestatis???
+ bonus points after the angst I will put yall through with my previous artist recommendation, in this specific AU the other yakshas are still alive and they babysit your child very often cause ofc they do, they are the best uncles and aunties (bosacious is getting too old for this skskksksks and indarias is always up for shenanigans and xiao really wants to be angry but he really can’t bring himself to be).
Okay I’m done, I say, as they drag me back in my padded cell.
-Hecate
Hecate the more I read the more terrified I got because it's like you gently cut my brain open and went "hm I see I see" and dug my selfship out and slapped it on a photocopier and read this out to me as I'm sweating bullets and sitting across you at a table with a wide brimmed hanging bulb that emits a faint yellow light that flickers ever so slightly at random intervals
AND YES THIS?? Some of my childhood pains definitely bled into this aspect of the selfship because like I've mentioned, although I wouldn't really want a child it would sure be something to see a creature receive the love and attention it deserved. I also think it would be something emotional for Xiao because his youth would be a very stark contrast to that of his child's- he was starved and neglected and abused. He was taught to abhor love and respect only power. To rule by fear. But the tiny person before him is not stripped of their personhood. Their naivete is protected, not exploited. Their wails are met with "what is the matter?" and "oh, there, there," and an embrace and a kiss. They never eat as though it may be their last meal. When Xiao reaches to stroke their cheek with a clawed, calloused finger, they do not flinch, but grab it instead, because he's their father. So much trust in those little hands because unlike him all they've ever known is love.
It's even more emotional if the child is his exact copy because it would make him wonder- what did he ever do to deserve the pain he suffered? Why did his god, the only parent he knew, relish in teaching him the wrong things and hurting him and starving him? I think for the first time he would fully comprehend that he did not deserve it.
I think that would put a quiet but firm end to the voices that told him he was difficult to love. Because if he was just like the little creature before him, how could it ever have been difficult? When all Xiao felt when he saw the child was love?
And a child is never just yours. Especially if there's so many people whose lives are entwined with your own. He'd see the child throw a fit at Yelan and he'd instinctively feel sick to his stomach for a moment before he sees she's not mad at all, she's laughing and she thinks it's adorable and now they're both happily babbling at one another, one more coherent than the other. He'd see the way they play with Qiqi and tug at Yaoyao's hair and feel such fondness because there's someone younger than even her now. He'd see Yanfei talk to them as though they were a grown up and the baby answers very very seriously, but completely incoherently. Yanfei goes "hm, good point, but by all means that was what I said earlier. You contradict yourself." And watches as Itto laughs and laughs. He'd see sweet Verr Goldet and Huai'an bring them presents and glance away because she's always been good at reading him and he's never going to let her catch him crying. He watches Zhongli bring forth a cup of water to the little one's lips and a cup of tea to his own and they both let out an identical "ah." He'd see the sheer delight in Xianyun's eyes as she proudly beams at the child and looks for a resemblance. He'd see Shenhe adorably tilt her head and ask her mother master if she was similar when she was young. He and Ganyu would playfully sigh at one another as Carver, Shaper and Retainer all launched into a tirade about how sweet and small Shenhe was, and raise their eyebrows at the trio for extolling Shenhe's false virtues. He'd see Hu Tao beam and try to teach the kid to beatbox and watch as all the child can do is splutter. Xingqiu would chide Hu Tao for expecting too much and Chongyun would gaze on in wonder. Maybe Diona would meet the child too, and they'd be besotted with her tail. She'd be old enough to not bite the child in annoyance but young enough to hiss and startle them regardless. He'd let Ping show them the inside of a teapot and fondly watch you giggle as the child excitedly checks the inside of every teapot they come across henceforth for the next few days. He'd one day see the infant reach for Shinobu's knives as she's cleaning them and for once she loses composure and shrieks, yanking them away.
If the child is too young for weapons, why did his god make him sharpen his talons to rip out the sweet dreams of the innocents with? Fight a war with wings that haven't even fully grown yet?
If he really is similar to the child he begot- he wasn't difficult to love at all. And I think he would feel a lot of peace knowing that history won't repeat itself, not when the child is surrounded by so much love- love found through his bonds with the people around him, a community forged by his love for the world. And since he knows now that there is some truth to that- perhaps he isn't so broken and undeserving after all.
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE YAKSHAS BEING ALIVE. HECATE YOU'RE EVIL!! EVIL I SAY, EVIL.
I feel like Bonanus would make the cuddliest, most loving aunt. She'd let the little mf play with her jewellery and yoink at her horns all day. She'd also be the sort to always, always defend them from trouble. They tracked mud indoors? That's okay, she's not the hydro yaksha for nothing. Lost her jewellery? Who cares, they're the most precious treasure of all.
Here's a slightly personal tidbit- when I was a toddler, one of my uncles, who could tailor clothes, would make me all sorts of traditional outfits and dress me in them. He'd spend hours staging elaborate photoshoots and bribe me with sweet treats and flowers. I still have all those pictures. I can imagine Menogias doing the exact same.
Maybe Indarius would be the person who would be the most excited to show them the world. Carry them in her arms with a grin brighter than the sun could ever be. Show them dogs and cats and sunsets and shops and adventurers and the sea. Smoosh her face against that of the creature that made her an aunt- she's an auntie!- and smile as the ocean throws dappled rays of light upon the both of them.
And Bosacius?? He'd be the proudest, most protective uncle, and I think he'd be the most emotional about his littlest brother having a child. Little Alatus with an even littler Alatus? He'd lose it. He'd carry the tiny one on his shoulders, hold them up in just one hand as the creature cackles in delight, indulge their every whim- within reason. (He leaves the spoiling to Bonanus). THEY'D BE SO CUTE TOGETHER. He'd come home and immediately yoink the child up. Be their biggest supporter if a bully ever fucks with them. Listen to everything they had to say, give the best advice and remember every tiny, touching detail, every date and cause for celebration. ASGJWSHSJ I'M LOSING IT
