#check your hands

[companionwolf]

Dreams were very odd. Parallels (see: entire copies of the system running 'parallel to each other' is as best as I can explain it), multiple clones of myself, trying to help the blue collars, the collapsing of everything into something new. I do not think any of it was really true but. It concerns me slightly. Just enough to be uncomfortable, at least.

[companionwolf]

This was never about any trauma-- it's about punishing yourself for failing and failing and failing and failing... I hope one day you stop punishing yourself. (I want to stop punishing myself.)

[companionwolf]

trying to remember the dreams from last night and all I've got is:

- being like at least 3+ different parts

- more stuff pushing to the point of sixteen being potentially real

- 'we need to figure out a better way to talk because i will forget 90% of this'

- 'you need to go to people higher than [redacted]'

- 'have hope' 'i don't know how much of that I've got left, wyatt'

- uno reverse carding the person administering the input survey ('who are you?' 'who are YOU?') and them yelling FUCK really loud which lmao

- 'these [dreams] are not nothing, this is communication' 'well it sucks! and i'm frustrated!' '...me too'

that's...all I got that's really clear but tldr there was a lot of shit last night related to the system (as usual) and i am physically tired still which is annoying

[companionwolf]

thinking about the variables that may affect whether we have shit dreams; not an exhaustive list of everything (stress may be a factor, to give one tiny example; also there's likely things i don't think we can control quantify or track properly)

- which part was out going to bed

- night meds taken or not

- snack eaten (further: what selection) or not

- water drunk or not

- uhhhhhhh intimate self care attempted or not

- night light on or off

- weighted blanket used or not

- weighted plushie used or

- music/ambience on (further: what selection) or not

- grounding before bed (further: which method) or not

- actual attempt to sleep within an hour of meds

- intention setting done or not (using the mild technique for lucid dreaming but it's 'our dreams won't suck' etc instead of 'when I am dreaming, i will realize i am dreaming' or whatever else)

brought to you by 'we don't remember any dreams from last night; that's a good outcome, how can we get it (or even dreams that don't suck) to happen consistently?'

fuck maybe we should just do lucid dreaming stuff again and work on the control aspect; we never really struggled too hard with induction or reality checking, and the base work is already done it's just...up to practicing and keeping a dream journal again

[companionwolf]

"You are not a terrible person. This isn't normal; let me help," he says, because in this dream, I have been brave enough to tell the truth: Michael, I want to die. In this dream, I am able to be completely honest, and he gets it now.

[companionwolf]

hey uh brain. if i could stop having dreams about my partner giving up on me and like. ending our relationship. and then rejoining the wc. that'd be cool. really cool. also if i could feel rested when i wake up too. thanks.

[companionwolf]

me using the 'it's just work' line on the higher ups last night. pretty cool of me. i will convince these bitches to leave their shitty posts up there wherever they are. and join me in bullshit. that's how i got my partner. (okay it was wolf who convinced ct but. principle of the matter here. i'm carrying on the tradition. quit your fucking job. join my triangle agency. come heal w/us. etc.)

[companionwolf]

really good dream last night that ... wasn't system related at all? basic synopsis is: 'what if i joined your mlb team by total accident and i sucked, but you loved me anyway-- you helped me begin to heal from trauma and encouraged me to choose the present rather than the past and also we -- the team -- had to ultimately hunt down our bitch ass of a coach/manager/owner because he took our paychecks'