#cheeky bean

[alexbkrieger13]

[valc0]

91.

Be careful with your answer... 🖤🤍

91. Do you like your own name?

Mine? sure. Not yours though  🖤🤍 ;P

[sillentwarrior]

well the car failed its MoT and it took me just over an hour to walk home, got back made a cuppa but didnt get to drink it because the school rang, cheeky bean hurt herself during PE and had her arm in a sling. 

so hopped on a bus to a and e. luckily its not broken but she is in pain and when we got home she said she wasnt feeling well. she now has a temperature and a cough. 

ontop of that i got a phone call from the water service that theres been a burst pipe and even though they have fixed it it will take roughly an hour for the water to get back into the system. so no tea and i have to wait for a shower.

tomorrow i have to find £250 to pay for the car to be fixed and pass its MoT. i got £60 i have yet to figure out where the rest is gonna come from. 

i guess i wont have to worry about getting to cheeky beans lessons this weekend if shes under the weather tho.

[sillentwarrior]

i love my cheeky bean, shes been asking to go swimming a lot lately but none of the usual subjects would go with her so she asked me, i explained to her why i hate swimming ( well some of it, i have a phobia of not being able to breathe, and having anything on my face triggers that but i also worry about the amount of scar tissue on my arms and strangers reactions) 

shes missed a couple of lessons recently so i said i would take her during half term. she gave me a huge hug, told me that she loved me and not to worry because she would be there the whole time..

i may or may not have cried.

[sillentwarrior]

oops, spent all my money at the garden center. but i did finally find somewhere that sells air plants and some decent pond plants. also yellow courgettes :) 

gonna spend a day in the garden recovering from the last few and trying to let go of my anger. we are not seeing that DR again and i may consider a complaint. The lovely drs on the children's ward were so busy and it turns out we didnt need to be there. a whole day of screaming adn we didnt even...

breathe.

its done and now i have to work on making sure cheeky bean isnt afraid of every dr she comes across. 

tomorow were going to work on her den and plan where all her lovely flowers are going to go.

[sillentwarrior]

breathe in. breathe out. this is my worst nightmare, ok one of them because lets face it when you have kids there are so many, but this one is specific to my situation.

over the last few months cheeky bean has had what appears to be a rash appear on her arms, after several doctors, nurses and blood tests she has admitted to me that she did it to herself. they look like little bruises and she says shes been sucking her arms ( like love bites), when she told me i thought maybe it was a boredom thing like sucking your thumb, growing up shes always  put things in her mouth (she has eaten a hole book during a ten min walk in her pushchair and the amount of coats we've been through) so i was just relieved that she wasn't ill. all the same we kept the appointment with the pedeatrition and once id told him what she said he sent her out the room, which i think was more than a little unfair as we were talking about her. and he called it self harm and really kept pushing an appointment with CAMHS and somehow he had found out about my mental health issues and told me it was my fault (in nicer terms of course) and went on to tell me to keep all sharp objects away from her and any medication. after calling her back on he made her promise not to hurt herself again then told us we had to do more blood tests and got someone to come and photograph her arms and then while we were waiting for some magic cream for the blood tests he pulls me in the room again only to repeat that i should keep all sharp things away from my daughter and that i should seek help for my mental health. he also seemed to forget everything i told him. 

i don't think the cheeky bean minded so much as she got to play with the awesome dolls house and they gave her a Easter egg, which she has munched half may through already. 

i really wasn't to worried but the thought that this could be self harm and that its because of me. i never though my health issues affected my parenting in a negative way but just the though of... there are no words. ive been through the hell of SH and im so close to the other side ( hey nearly a year clean) and can not bear the thought of this beautiful girl going through that. 

i need to breathe and remind myself she is healthy and happy and doing well in school and has lots of friends and fun. we are doing good. 

hopefully we can get to the bottom of this soon.

[sillentwarrior]

the funny thing is i wasn't worried about the cheeky bean, i was concentrating on getting the appointments being on time for the tests, making sure she was happy before returning to school.

now the dr has called us in on monday after the tests today and i lost it. they dont call you in unless theres a problem. im scared. i need my bean to be okay.

apart from this bizarre rash she is her same beautiful self. but i cant stop worrying. it was really bad timing as now i have to wait the whole weekend and i know im not going to stop worrying.

[sillentwarrior]

brought some books to help talk about sex with my daughter, shes 10 but i want her to know about this stuff and be comfortable talking about it before she hits puberty. 

its really hard because my sex ed consisted of this is your vagina dont let guys put there penis in it, that was from school and i had no idea where to start with cheeky bean.

the books have been an eye opener and i think were both learning at the same time. which is great but it makes me feel so stupid. i am interested in the next book which is about girls puberty specificly  as no one ever talked to me about that and ive basicly learnt how to deal with periods and stuff as i went along. 

i just dont want her to feel the way i did when i asked my mum if she would show my how to shave and she replied “ no, no one ever showed me”

also a bit concerned that she already knows the word penis but not the word vagina.