i had a doctors appointment recently where i was told that theres no cure for the chronic illnesses i have, i was told that there’s no treatment, no medication, nothing. the best they can offer is cbt to help with the seizures.
i sat in the stupid chair in the doctors stupid office and he said that i need to exercise.
‘if you dont have a routine involving daily movement you’ll just continue to spiral and get worse’
i watched his fingers trace a downwards spiral and it felt like looking at a tornado from above.
well, i was right, i knew what was wrong with me before he said but i could deny it up to that point. call myself lazy, tell myself im lying and exaggerating and im a bad friend. but now i cant really say that anymore.
it finally kicked in, i will be like this forever.
i cried on the way home, i stood at the bus stop and messaged my mum. she didn’t care. i cried on the bus, and i cried buying groceries. my phone died and my card declined.
i got home and i ate and i cried.
then i worked out
fuck it!!!!! fuck it. if this is the only thing i can do i might as well fucking do it.
im so tired of being a victim of this body, its exhausting feeling like im made of wet cotton and clay dust, i want to live. i want to make plans and not be held back by my body. i dont want to cry and cry because i had to cancel on a friend again. i dont want to cry because it hurts i dont want to cry.
fuck it i’ll work out
fuck
i want to live.
