It’s not that Gilfoyle wants to hurt Jared by digging into his past. That’s not it at all. He wants to know who hurt Jared so he can make sure not to do any of the things they did, even the tiniest things that could trigger a flashback.
He makes the decision to dig into Jared’s tragic past after Jared wakes screaming in German from yet another nightmare. When Gilfoyle reaches to comfort him, Jared’s eyes grow wide and he shrinks back, muttering in terrified German.
Google Translate tells Gilfoyle that Jared was saying “please don’t hurt me.”
So Gilfoyle reasons that the best way to avoid hurting Jared is to know everything he’s been through, to make sure he won’t do anything that reminds Jared of his awful childhood.
It takes some digging - Jared’s past life is pretty deeply buried, tangled up in legal documents - but what Gilfoyle finds is even more horrific than he could have imagined. Abuse, neglect, abandonment, starvation, pages and pages of hospital records describing broken bones and burns and gashes on his back from a belt, all accompanied by photos - almost mugshots, marked “evidence” - of a scared sickly sad-eyed boy, barely more than skin and bones, covered in scars and bruises.
He’s so deeply absorbed that he doesn’t even hear Jared come in, doesn’t know he’s there until he hears a soft “oh” and turns around.
Jared looks - no, angry isn’t the right word. Betrayed, Gilfoyle realizes, and his stomach drops.
“Bertram,” Jared says softly, “why would you do this?”
“Jared, I - “ But Jared leaves the room before Gilfoyle can finish.
Gilfoyle spends the night on the couch. The next morning, he digs into his own past, prints out hundreds of pages of school reports and arrest records, and brings the entire file to Jared in their bedroom.
Jared is lying in bed, facing away from the door, feigning sleep. Gilfoyle places the stack of paper at the foot of the bed and clears his throat.
“Jared, I’m sorry,” he says. “I need you to know I wasn’t doing it to hurt you. I just wanted to know you better, so I wouldn’t hurt you by mistake. And I - I brought you my entire file, so we’re even.”
THere’s silence for a few minutes. Then, Jared rolls over, and Gilfoyle sees his red eyes and the tear tracks on his pale face.
“We’re not even, Bertram,” Jared says, his voice hoarse from crying. “You gave me this willingly. I had my privacy - my trust in you - violated. And whatever your intentions, it hurt to see you ignore my boundaries like that. There’s a reason why I kept those things from you, from everyone here. It wasn’t dishonesty, it was me trying to maintain some control over my life. I’ve had so many people digging through my past, and I was really hoping you wouldn’t be one of them.”
“I am so, so sorry, Jared,” Gilfoyle says again. “Please believe me. I won’t do anything like that ever again. I just - I feel so powerless whenever I see you waking up from your nightmares. I want to help you, but I don’t know where to start, and I thought....I thought maybe if I knew what you went through, I could be a better boyfriend. And I realize that doesn’t excuse it, but I love you. I really do. And I’m sorry.”
Jared says nothing, but sits up, reaches for Gilfoyle’s file, and pats the space beside him on the bed.
“You saw mine,” he finally says. “Now, show me yours.”