#citizen jay

[ramblingsofastoner]

So Jesse and I are on YouTube! We went to this patient appreciation party for a couple of dispensaries and we met Citizen Jay & AJ Hashman. It was an excellent party, and also the first time I ever got to do dabs! Colorado is the shit. (:

[citizenjay]

Citizen Jay, change and the real world.

If you have not noticed, I recently have begun to lose myself in the world of tumblr. Reblogging quotes, music, and other what nots, neglecting to create my own work. So, today I thought it would be a great time to write something. So I am. 

Over a little over a month ago the University of New South Wales bid farewell to it's first batch of BMedia students, many of which were part of my social circles. Whilst this is a remarkable step into the quest of adulthood, it seems as if I once again have been left behind. While they are thrown into the deepest end of every students dream, 'the real world', it seems I am here yet again simply welcoming another summer. My sadness comes as I am unable to part take in the next step of my close friends lives, to part take in the fear that comes with stepping into the big bad world. My fear is that I may have to go through it alone, with everyone moving forward.

"What exactly makes it real?"

Well it's simple, after being institutionalised in the Australian school system, taking shelter and receiving all the benefits that come with being a 'full-time student’; we are left to face reality. We no longer are learning or in a state of not knowing, we are now 'fully functional' cogs in society, working full-time jobs (or at least trying to find them), actually paying substantial amounts of tax, and last but not least, relinquishing our rights to our concession discounts.

It is a time where we realise that realistically we are alone to face the world, we may have partners and friends but many of which, won’t actually understand the situations you put forward, because they simply are different beings. It’s scary just thinking about it, growing old and becoming serious, being that one-step closer to death but one-step closer to living your own life.

It’s when there no longer are ‘required readings’, ‘set plans’ or ‘student counselors’. It’s opening the door and stepping into the abyss, accepting what happens and taking the next step. The problem is the next step involves a fair few failures and a whole lot of mistakes, mistakes that I am afraid to make because I’ve been programmed as such to fear failure and the prospects of it.

Change is hard to overcome because you’ve invested so much only to watch it all slip out of your hands. Maybe it’s why I’d prefer a nomadic lifestyle, meet people and create connections then ultimately be the one to leave before they leave me be the force of change rather than the subject. (This is screaming with a whole bunch of insane complexes).

This side of me I know exists because there are things about myself that I cannot currently reconcile, things that I cannot grasp and understand. There are things I know and things I do not but these are things that I need to explore. I’ve always been a slow learner and now I guess this too applies to the way I live my life. It’s like I see Narnia but I am, not afraid, but skeptical of coming out and telling people it’s existence because it makes no sense in my head, but it really does.

There’s an image burned into my head that strikes me particularly at times like this. It’s not more an image but a scene that plays vividly in my head. It is I saying goodbye to a friend after finishing something, a time when we must part ways. We promise to see each other again, and we wish each other luck, health and prosperity vowing to see each other and be part of each others life, however small.

But the truth of the matter is as they pull away from the curb and you say “I’ll see you soon” they throw reality at you, the truth and yell back “No you wont”. Inside you understand that it’s the truth but refuse to believe it, it crushes you but you accept it because it is a universal law.

Right now all I have are questions, doubts and fears that I know will all be resolved in the near future but for now it seems like there are no answers so it’s just time for me to move right on along.

I’ve never been much for goodbyes but they’re the moments in life I will never forget.

Whenever I feel like this I know it’s time to watch Scrubs.

This song leaves a bittersweet taste in your aural cavities, you feel the sadness but you feel the optimism and happiness that comes from memories. I guess it’s why I’m posting it, because though I may be forgetful and may get dementia, in the back of my mind I will always remember the greatest and the worst of times. I have the battle scars that come with change, as I myself am the testimony of change. I think at this point it’s time to reconcile or reconnect with someone that meant something to you all those years ago … I know I will.

[citizenjay]

Citizen Jay being optimistic (for once)

I've spent the last hour attempting to piece together something that resembles a blogpost, and within that hour I've managed to produce work that desreved to be shot into a digital waste basket (paper toss). From sad mind dribble that outlined my first world problems in a sad attempt to steal your empathy and show you that I am a person, a real person with feelings and such to a overly optimistic post about how I'm alright and how seizing the day isn't as easy as itsound but in the vast world that is the interwebs I know I'll get lost in the metadata, filed away but I don't care because I don't owe you a flying fuck and I know that you won't really care either, it's okay. 

I guess it's mainly my inability to progress and initiate positive changes, for myself, by myself that turns me into a pile of mush. It's not that I'm a gimp but it's how I function, to be overly critical, to think things through too many times and then to inevitably go against what my critical thinking has come to have told me. Lets just say after 2 hours of deliberating whether or not I should have chocolate or vanilla I eventually get to the ice cream man and grab mango because I can. It's my downfall, be inspired and have the ideas but be stuck to actually initiate my crazy plans and let the crazy loose simply because I'm lazy. I lack motivation, and although I know I have direction, it feels as if I'm going in circles because unlike Icarus I'm not bold enough to fly towards the sun, too afraid to take the step and chance because I'm too afraid to burn my wings, or at least have the slight possibility I will get burnt. 

Maybe I really need to just take the step get to the top and see what all the fuss really is about. I mean idly sitting here does me no justice, it simply creates more problems, problems that I've managed to conjure in my over active mind. For me it's the season for change, I may be 21, I may be young but I know what I want and I should reach for it before somebody else does. I'll be leaving the comfort of the bigger pond and slowly moving to an ocean. 

I guess that's my next step because sometimes getting burnt, thrown into the deep end and seeing what's actually up there can bring more good than harm. They're right when3 they say that the our only obstacles are ourselves but I think it's more so our minds that can block us from where we want to be. 

I'm happy to say that I ran 4.8kms in 40 minutes, hopefully this time this will stick and I'm determined to do so, so MOTHER FUCKERS WATCH OUT! 

Yeah, I inserted my feel good song because the film clip is very appropriate. I couldn't insert it like The Antlers- Staircase to the attic but I really love Belle and Sebastian's upbeat and unique sound particularly its dry metal strings mixed with it's honest narrative account. The juxtaposition of the two just gives me some bittersweet tingles through my body, it makes me just want to kick back despite the horrid times ahead. Enjoy it because I do! 

[citizenjay]

Citizen Jay and Fiona Apple

In an attempt to abstract myself form the stresses of uni, work, and my very small personal life; I have started to get more and more into the work of Fiona Apple. I previously enjoyed her work but now as a vexed 20 year old, I feel like her songs provide a sense of shelter from the harsh reality that I now have to deal with. 

It is soothing to hear an individual master her woes into an amazing lyrical and aural performance. Like poetry it is creative and tactful with only the slightest hints of false hope or blind optimism. A personal favourite of mine is Paper Bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills 'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

I guess what attracts me is the tattered nature of the song, and like I said before a sense of the faintest blind optimism that seems to add to the authenticity to the song, well for me anyway. To add to that it feels like 'a coming of age' song, particularly when coupled with Bob Dylans 'Like a Rainbow', where I'm forced to face the realities of becoming an adult. 

Once upon a time you dressed so fine You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you ? People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall" You thought they were all kiddin' you You used to laugh about Everybody that was hangin' out Now you don't talk so loud Now you don't seem so proud About having to be scrounging for your next meal.

While I sound like a little bit of a whinger, I feel that this is more of an educational realisation, rather than a license to whinge. As I long to move away from the comforts of home for a rugged experience, in the school of life. I have experienced some of the woes that comes with reality, from debt, car ownership, to my current project, moving away from the comforts of home and attempting to search for a job that challenges the skills inherited from three years of studying Journalism. 

The best thing about this blog is that it is about nothing and yet I've got something out of it. Also, I have managed to avoid doing some work, uni, and inevitably catch ip on my television shows; Pushing Daisies, Being Erica, Billable Hours, and my personal favourite Ugly Americans.

It's time to finish some course notes so I'll be catching you all later 

[citizenjay]

Wer suchet, der wird finden

Those who seek shall find; a common saying that constantly gets thrown around. Everyday I hear myself saying this nonchalantly about the slightest and most insignificant things nullifying such a powerful statement. I no longer blame a god for blessing or cursing me, but rather, I have fallen into a slump of self-motivational sayings to ultimately attempt to make light of certain situations. I do this quite often as a means to shelve my disappointments for a later date, as if I were stacking them up anticipating when all of it will crash on top of me.

After a series of misadventures and a long bout of misery, I came to think why had such saying no longer have any effect on myself and my ego. It hit me because time and time again these things happen while I simply throw in the towel and hide behind the motivational talk. The words ran across my mind, constantly, yet to no avail; I was left the same as I had started, miserable, and disappointed. Was such emotion necessary, no, but I tend to constantly feel this way. Although, my self deprecation also does not help the situation.

Here in lie my miserable ramblings a means to voice out my inner insecurities because the world, or at least my world, isn't quite ready for my problems. While most people would tell you to look after yourself, first and foremost. To some I'm a rock, to others a cornerstone and any faults in the foundations could lead to everything crashing down. Slowly as I grow older along with my friends, all who have come and gone, I begin to realise that slowly but surely the world that I knew and understand is beginning to change. Like a pebble thrown off a bridge I have begun the free fall that is adulthood. The world moves faster; the people come and go more often with most never returning or staying long; and you or I will never be the same again. As I turn this piece into the digital archive, I know that when I read this in the next few years of my life, I will be different. Same person and a, not different, but changed mind. You nor I will look at this and feel this way as our frames of mind will be different.

I’ve always believed that names were powerful, particularly in history where a name could inevitably distinguish your origin, your kinsmen, and your social status. Despite that now being somewhat irrelevant, or at least to me due to my heritage as a Filipino means I am a cocktail, I still hope and wish that it were applicable today. It maybe corny and sad but sometimes in times of desperation or doubt I call upon the Roman god Janus, who holds the same name that I do. http://www.flickr.com/photos/quinnanya/3830116122/

The god Janus was very commonly worshipped as a house hold deity as he was the god of doorways and gates. He protected the homes entrance and exits, making him the god of beginnings and endings. Janus possessed two heads and had two different personalities to characterise the duality in the concept. At times of war the Romans would open the doors to the temple of Janus as a  means to let out the deity to help them win war and the doors would close at times of peace, in order to maintain peace.

For me my names means a lot, although I have been subjected to much scrutiny for my name, I am proud to say that it belongs to be because of the strength that is found in it.

To think I've travelled Europe solo for two months, alone! The time may have been short and all this other mumbo jumbo that people might say about my trip but I think it reassures me that I can get through anything, well most anyway.

I was re-watching my video from the Sacre Cour where a harp player decided to sit himself in front the Sacre Cour in front of the beautiful view of Paris. The day was miserable and I was heckled by street vendors but this was all part of the experience.

I'm happy I blogged because I eventually found the self assurance I needed.

For now all I know is that du hast mir nichts zu sagen!!

- Citizen Jay