#clean&sober

[dhc860-blog]

Praying to a god I don't believe in...

I may lose my job ironically over something that actually wasn't my fault. Due to recent behavior and mistakes/transgressions that were my fault, however, I'm afraid it looks bad for me. I think I'm just causing too many issues and not worth the hassle for the company. Here's hoping they continue to give me a chance.

[dhc860-blog]

Kicking Heroin Once and for All

I've attempted several times to get off the junk on my own with very limited and short lived periods of success. The longest time I've managed to stay clean/sober was around 70 days. That's since leaving the Navy in March of 2010. I think it's because every other time I tried my heart was never truly in it 100%. This time is different though. I've pulled out all the stops. I've started a methadone maintenance program where I also meet with a counselor once a week, will be attending a minimum of two NA meetings weekly, I'll be returning to good healthy habits that made me happy before the drugs (karate, rollerblading, snowboarding, etc), and I'll also be seeing a personal substance abuse counselor once a week. My new and final clean date is tomorrow July 12, 2016 and I'll be tracking my progress on here during this first month.

[dragonsorphan]

Seventeen years is a long time.  Am I lucky or hard to kill?  Most likely, it is a little luck, a little resilience, and paramedics who just do not give up.  I prefer to think of it that way.  It's a bit more poetic..  It sounds better than I really suck at killing myself.

me commenting on my sobriety date, 5/18/98...

[dragonsorphan]

The Corner of Death and Sane by A. E.

Hands in my pocket Its breath Musty and thick Caressed my neck And nipped my ear It knew my sweet spot The flavor of my tongue On any given morning The curve of my hip On any given evening The nooks and crannies Of my humble neurosis The maddening voices Somersaulting in my head Voices craving death Screaming like a banshee  In the icy wind As I raised my head To stare Into its glassy amber eyes My lips covered its mouth In one long last kiss Drinking in all The pain and solitude Wet between my teeth Dropping into my belly Causing ripples on the pond Of my broken soul And before we parted company It, down a shadowed road Me, crawling to sunlight We knew it was the end The last good night

[alpacatadpole-blog]

I feel that after 4 years, a relapse shouldn't be something that I am getting punished for. You think slandering my name and putting me on a year probation is gonna change me if I didn't already want to change? I'm the one who called outpatient the monday right after I relapsed. I've been going to outpatient for about 6 weeks now, made the choice on my own to go on the vivitrol shot after talking and doing research on it. My commitment to staying sober is what's keeping me sober and it pisses me off that they think throwing me on probation and making me pay out of pocket for shit I can't afford as it is, would change me. It doesn't so much piss me off that I have to do it, bc you know the searched my house and found stuff(even though I was in the hospital, but they were allowed to search bc my bf is on probation/drug court) so whatever. What I'm saying is, people are constantly getting in trouble bc they are addicts and can't just stop, and they are overcrowding our jails with people who aren't even criminals. I'm not mad bc I don't think I can do it, I can do this with flying colors. I want to be clean and sober. Ugh.. Just bothers me..

[errratica-blog]

My mother's been a drug addict for the last 16 years and my grandparents, sister and I have put up with the emotional, physical, and mental abuse out of love, which in turn, of course, enabled her. She will use any excuse to get her drugs and I know that that's what addicts do, but for fuck's sake, using your sick mother, who is recovering from a stroke, as an excuse to use the car then not even bothering to go see her, but instead going to re-up, is beyond disgusting. After sitting by and watching her self-destruct and lie and cheat and steal for years, last night I realized I'm finally old enough to stop her. I took every set of car keys in the house and told her she won't be driving to pick up her drugs ever again or drive at all until she's sober. She literally told me she'd rather have her drugs than me alive then physically attacked me. I called the police and they arrested her. She's gone. And she's not welcome back until she finally decides to get clean. As much as that hurts me and as scared as I am that she'll pick her drugs over us, I know it needed to be done. I'm the first person to ever take away her power. I love her. She'll never forgive me for this and I may never have a relationship with her again, but I love her and I want her to be the mom I remember admiring when I was four years old. She told stories like no one I know and she was so hardworking and intelligent and beautiful and I wanted to be just like her. Everyone keeps telling me I've done the right thing. The "brave" thing. I just can't help but feel it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.