#cloud rants

[cjoatprehn]

Happy Escapril! I hope everyone’s having a good day so far. I’m dropping my first poem with @adventurerswritingguild second prompt from their list! Day two is “The Internet.” I really channeled this song for inspiration. It won’t read the same, the message is ultimately what I’m going for here.

Song Playing:

Here’s my poem with Alt Text provided. I hope you enjoy.

Oh snap! I maxed out tumblr tags for the first time! That’s a new record. 30 max. Huh. Good to know.

Update with Spoken Word

[#escapril Spoken Word] “A 25 year old Codger’s Cloud Rant” by CJOAT for AWG Shoutout @boburnham

It is April 10. I have another update. It took awhile. I have been getting worsening nightmares as of recent. So I haven’t been sleeping well. Rather at all.

That talk is not for this post.

I made a graphic for “A 25 Year Old Codger’s Cloud Rant.” I made it cyber themed based on the internet. It was hard to make due to the effect on my eyes but…this is an eyestrain warning. Be warned, as I cannot add the eyestrain tag when there’s 30 already.

I hope everyone has a good day, whenever you see this. You can do this. I’m proud of you.

[blue-little-angel]

I need a tickle fic with Tachihara or I might die

Hope your day is as great as you are

[cloudbatcave]

Inevitably, without fucking fail, when my life is going well and I think “hey! Things are starting to stabilize! I’m having a nice day!”

Something will happen to shit all over it, because that’s what my fucking life is like.

My bike got stolen and I’m pissed to hell. I only had that for a bit over a year and it was actually a GOOD bike, not like the shitty ones my dad gave me. Grandma bought that bike for me and while I’m hardly her biggest fan I really appreciated it and I used it a lot and IT IS NOT LIKE I DIDN’T FUCKING LOCK IT! I always lock it! I saw other people locking up their bikes and THEIRS were left untouched! But of course mine gets fucking STOLEN BECAUSE FUCK ME RIGHT??

Fuck this whole neighborhood and I really hope whoever stole it drops fucking dead, I cannot afford to replace that and grandma is going to kill me.

[cloudbatcave]

I know hating children is wrong, but sometimes...I really, really, really want to punt a specific fifteen year old about thirty miles into the stratosphere.

this better be it. I better be done. if she asks me one more stupid, inane, time-wasting, godforsaken obnoxious SHITFUCK of a question, I’m flinging myself bodily into the sun and letting god sort me out. 

[cloudbatcave]

the bus didn’t even stop where it was supposed to.

It didn’t stop at all I don’t think. It just went

my mom tried to chase it

I begged her to stop

she might have dropped her purse in the street

but now I’m sitting on a peter pan bus I had to buy a new ticket at the other station she tried to chase it to, a bus that will at least take me to new york

from there, I don’t know

I can only hope I can beg for help from the greyhound people. 

if not I may have to ask my grandmother for help because my mom is all out of money. and I’m almost out. I’m not sure if I could buy another ticket.

so, so tired, of things that should work going wrong

I don’t know if it was the cold, or what

I am so tired of things failing

[cloudbatcave]

I fucking hate greyhound busses so much, I had a bus that left at 3:15 am, my usual (unfortunately) but we sat there. for a fucking half hour, while this bus didn’t come, it is fucking -1 degrees fahrenheit, thank GOD my mother didn’t just drop me in this weather, and oh by the way the local stations weren’t picking up when we called, we finally called BOSTON and got someone and oh funny story, my bus isn’t coming until 4:50 am. 

It was supposed to come at three fucking fifteen.

so I am STRESSED to high hell and I feel bad because my mother sat there with the van running to keep us warm and thankfully, THANKFULLY stopped me from getting out and waiting because I felt bad about her idling and using gas! and called the bus stations because my phone was dead! fuck my whole entire life! they didn’t give me ANY notification about this, we had to hunt down this info and someone could have fucking frozen to death because greyhound gives precisely 0 fucking shits.

i am a ball of goddamn hate of the finest grade rn, I could boil lead with this.

[cloudbatcave]

boy I love having my heart trying to escape my chest at 2 am because Pengy pinged me on FR.

fucker.

I blocked them right away but oh my god

I knew they had an FR account but what the fuck,. what the fuck. do they not fucking remember???? do not they not fucking remember how they harassed me and ruined me and tried to drive me off tumblr? do they not

fucking

remember

fucking hell

[cloudbatcave]

“you love someone unconditionally, not for a reward”

I know that’s true and right and I’m probably just being selfish after all

I just

really I just wish I could know for sure that I was loved too and I’m not just really really dumb. I know I technically have proof. why waste the effort otherwise, etc. why bother. and I’ve always thought that was the best kind of proof, because it doesn’t rely on potentially empty reassurances.

maybe it’s my fault. I think it is. I think I’m just too greedy and suspicious. and too emotional. which is really ironic. but that’s always been a thing, really, I just bottled it up for years and only let it out in bursts because I thought it was shameful. I mean. I still don’t like it. I do it and then I get embarrassed very quickly, even as I type this. 

besides. I have plenty to be grateful for. I’m way better off than I was last year, hurting people and being hurt. so what if it’s not perfect. nothing ever will be. I ought to just suck it up and focus on the good parts. 

nothing is wrong, I’m just good at inventing issues and whining. it’s unfair of me to want anything more than I have. at least writing this helps me realize that, so that’s good at least.