#cloudy journey

[cloudsnothingelse]

After a whole year of no contact, I talk to my sister one day about her working with him.

This leads to me finding out that he asks about me, and says that he still wants to be friends with me. I believed that the next step of trigger work was being around him (previous to this, it was: casual mentions of his name, casually hearing things about him, hearing that he talks about me, and now, hear him).

We met at a park on New Years Eve after he got off work. I was drunk and alone, but this was all preplanned. He was invited while I was sober, which was mentioned to him. It was just a run-by. He, ultimately, asked if we were cool, to which I assured him.

I asked him if he wanted to ve friends, or if he just wanted forgiveness, as I had my doubts. He said he didn't know what he wanted. He said we could hang out "if [I] want to." I took this as unfortunate, but I was drunk and wanted to show that I was changed, so I said Okay as I watched the fireworks.

I ultimately take this as, no, he does not want to be friends. If he wanted to be friends, he would know after a year of nothing, as he's already had a relationship.

He would know. And I need to take this as: You are too full of love to be someone's maybe.

So, business as usual. Thank you 🙏

[cloudsnothingelse]

Guys, why do things legitimately get better when I'm high? My mood is stable, it feels like I finally have clarity in my thoughts and decisions in my life, it literally makes me remember I have a sense of self. I've seen things about people self medicating with weed, and omg this is what they mean

[cloudsnothingelse]

Entry #12 of Cloudy Journey

Hey gangs, you're going to still have unexpected dreams of them. And you'll just be forced to wake up and get on with your day. Because at the end of the day, a dream changes nothing (and I am of the opinion that dreams mean nothing)

[cloudsnothingelse]

Entry #11 of Cloudy Journey

He accepted a Facebook friend request I sent to him during our freshman year.

When I saw the notification that he did, my heart did not skip a beat, and I never felt any anxiety. It felt "normal," so this solidified in my head that I've made progress. Unfortunately, now, though, I am questioning why he accepted it, and have the urge to text him, but I am reassuring myself that there is no need.

If I reached out, nothing would change. We would not have a long talk about how we've been, we would not have any jokes, or anything close to an actual conversation. We wouldn't have an argument, but that's not where the line is anymore. Reaching out to get one line of text would do nothing to our (lack of) relationship.

And, yet, I hope. I'm turning to my support system for advice. Stay safe out there.

[cloudsnothingelse]

Entry #10 of Cloudy Journey

I just graduated (high school), and while I saw him, we didn't speak. I did not try to approach him, no looks, nothing. I won't lie, it felt weird. I felt as though I had unfinished business, as I also learned something that he had said to my sister at our Prom. He wished I would give him a second chance (he does not have anyone new). He was apparently very drunk, so I do not think that statement holds any actual meaning. But the feelings are still there of, "A second chance. But we haven't talked, and we have the rest of our lives, now."

I have the rest of my life now. I can not let the past hold me back. I do not exactly know how to get past my feelings of unfinished business, but I still have to move past it. I will sit in my discomfort, and I will learn.

My friends love me, and we all have a healthy relationship together. That is enough for me.

Clouds: coming home from the lock-in after graduation. 💞

[cloudsnothingelse]

Entry #9 of Cloudy Journey

Things are going good. I don't think of him so much now. I'd say at least once a day, but it doesn't take up my whole day, now. I've moved on, and I don't think about what would've happened differently. I've accepted it, and am appreciative of this whole experience, because there were good moments, and I can learn from the bad moments. I don't wish him ill, I don't don't wish him anything. I hope everything goes for him exactly as it should, and he heals properly. If, in the future, we're meant to meet again, then I'll let it be, but I'll no longer get lost trying to find a path for the both of us.

This will most likely be the least entry regarding this, though I may continue to post original poems. Thank you!

[cloudsnothingelse]

Entry #8 of my Cloudy Journey

Yesterday, I went on a date with one of my friends, and from her, I heard that she heard that he had a new girl. This took up a lot of my mind during my date, and I do wish she hadn't told me this. But let's focus on healing phrases.

1. I cannot be mad at him for (POSSIBLY) finding someone new. I just went on a date, so it would make me a hypocrite to be mad at him. This date was just so we could get to know each other better, so, while I don't feel anything, I am trying to build feelings. Hearing that he has a new girl makes me feel as though he is quick to move on from me and like someone else, especially if it was "love." It makes me feel as though he didn't truly love me, as I still have that leftover love for him (my date and I are going through similar healing journies, so we are aware of each other's struggles with our exes, don't worry, we know). But even if this is true, it is okay. This does not make a difference in MY life, and every positive experience we did have, was true. That is the only thing that matters. I felt happy when those things happened, those experiences no longer can impact me. I am free from that.

2. I do not know if this is 100% true, and to protect my peace, I will not ask anyone. I am still avoiding him, as this is the best thing for me to do. She said she heard the rumor, and she is the only person I have heard this from, and she doesn't even go to my school, so it can be false information (especially since our school is messy). Whether it is true or not, it does not impact me. Their relationship does not impact my life, so I will not let it impact my emotions.

All of this said, I have come to the conclusion that I don't care about him anymore. I stil have feelings of attachment, but I do not care about him, so I feel no need to find out anything related to him. This is progress.

I have done things that have helped me look forward to the future, including doing college orientation, signing up for a camp, and gathering things to prepare for events like graduation and prom. I have a future. My life is not over. I have years to go, and experiences to gain. He is not the last person I will know. I haven't met everyone I will ever know. I have a future. I will be okay.

[cloudsnothingelse]

Entry #7 of healing

Yesterday, I was at peace. I no longer thought that we were soulmates, I thought that we were, in fact, incompatible, and that I really don't know where I thought we matched.

Tonight, I am in my room and missing him and wishing I had my mother to discuss this with. Tonight, I am still feeling things I thought I was over. Tonight, I will feel what I need to feel, and cry how much I need to cry, so that tomorrow, I will laugh.