#cloverspost

[sleepysubbyprincess]

I love crying at work

[sleepysubbyprincess]

I just had a really hard conversation with my Mommy and ughhhhhhh dynamics and realtionships are so hard and just ugh I wish I knew everything i wanted and knew how to balance everything and make everyone happy.

[sleepysubbyprincess]

Reflection on sobriety thus far.

I am 23 days sober from weed almost too my goal of 30 days and applying for new jobs. This seems to be a good reflection point on some of the responses my body has had after 7 years of daily use.

Mental changes

The main thing that i used weed for was emotinal regulation. Because of this i feel the largest change in life has been the nessecity of seeking out other paths of emotinal regulation. For me the biggest reliefs have been the ability to experince kink in a way that I hadn't had before espically exploring my littlespace and having my needs met through care, non-judgement and meeting other littles.

The second path of emotinal regulation that I have been using is the creation of art that better expresses myself and gives my brain and opportunity to reset from the stress I experience.

Physical changes

There have been a few physical changes that i have noticed with this quitting. The thing with the most affect on my life is my diet and the ability to portion control for myself. One of my biggest issues for years has been over eating and a bit of an addiction to dessert. 😅 I have a bit of a sweet tooth and recently i have been doing much better in avoiding this treat after my meals, especially when I am already full which has helped in how I feel thoughout the day. The next physical change that is prevalnt is the clearing out of my lungs. For the last 4 years i had primarily been smoking concentrates/dabs which are much stronger and harsher than normal weed because of the process nessicary to make them. This had led to a weezing sound every time that i would breathe and has been a huge source of insecurity for me. This weezing has finally gone away my lungs are starting to recover.

These things have been the primary factors in my desire to get sober and i have achived them. I can't wait to reach a point where my brains chemistry is back to its natural abilities and my body/lungs are recovered to near full capacity (hopefully I havent done too much permanent damage to them 😅)

Dreams/nightmares

One of the things i find most prevalnt is the return of my dreams and nightmares to almost every time I sleep. These are extremely vivid and sometimes can be terrifyingly real to the point that I can feel the pain experienced in them. I dont want to share most of these because of the more personal nature of them but I hope to be able to better control these in the future and prevent some of the negative draw backs.

To anyone reading that is considering even taking a break from smoking i highly recommend it and would love to hear your experiences. Thank you for reading 💜

[sleepysubbyprincess]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MEN SUCCCCKKKKK!!

[sleepysubbyprincess]

Im finally finished with finals 😮‍💨

[sleepysubbyprincess]

What you want and what you get.

When I say I want.

I set an shared expectation, it is a hope.

When i share my hope it is my vunerability.

When my vulnerablility is taken for graunted.

I withdraw.

As much as I force myself into vulnerablility.

Into understanding.

That is giving you my hope and asking for it to grow in your care.

When I take your understanding and hope.

I analyze it and treat it with care.

I try and connect.

I understand that I may not be the one.

But why ask for me then?

This is what I get for giving my hope.

The loss of my vulnerablility .

The drawing of my shields.

The devestation of my mind.

The formation of my insecurities.

The sacrifice of myself.

[sleepysubbyprincess]

The dissapoinment of life.

Ive come to find the best way understand people is to break them down into their parts through observation and understanding of their desires.

When I understand peoples desires it allows me to live by core values of respect, reciprocity, and vulnerablility. My goals with these tenants of life are the opening of connection/relationships by being vulnerable and giving part of myself with the hope it is returned, give that connection the respect it deserves and the returning of all I can through reciprocity.

The core issue I have is that I so deeply believe in this way of living that when it is not reciprocated because every persons desires are diffrent I am disappointed.

It is my belief that most people lack the desire to understand this and other people because of the proliferation of trauma, social media, and mass travel. These things have produced the byproducts of shallow relationships, lying, and the normalization of quitting/giving up on people because we have the ability to find other people and our social niches much easier than ever before in history.

This degration of the social sturctures and practices that are integral to human connection is what has started conflict time and time again on personal, local, national, and world levels. For us as individuals and as a species to achive a better future we must take the other perspective and try to understand and connect with people and allow ourselves to put in the necessary effort.

[sleepysubbyprincess]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MOMMYS ARE THE BESSSSTSTTTTT!!!