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A Selection of Cases from the Amanda Grace Fictional Character Emergency Room: Selected by Dr. Kavi Banner and Dr. Roderigo Scott

Patient is an immortal being. One would assume that means he is impervious to physical harm; that assumption would be wrong. Phalanges appear to have spontaneously grown long enough to penetrate skin and develop into claws of some kind. The front of his skull has likewise broken through his skin. Patient blames demonic alternate personality for physical transformation. Bloody death magic.

Patient is a 30-year-old female formerly pronounced dead after being shot multiple times in the torso. En route to the morgue, she awoke, her skin having spontaneously turned scarlet and gold and crawling with animated tattoos of tormented skeletons. She claimed to have raised herself from the dead, at which point I brought her into the neuro lab with the intention of scanning her brain for unusual activity, at which point the patient began laughing and disappeared in an unnecessarily dramatic burst of flame. Dr. Banner still assumes the patient dead. I will do nothing to disabuse him of this notion.

Patient is a 17-year-old demigirl (designated female at birth) who has fallen into a coma. Her compatriots claims that this “trance state” is a common occurrence and an important religious ritual that allows her to see into the future. I have been ordered by the King of Kevarya not to administer medication of any kind to the patient, only to intubate and monitor her. Patient practices a completely different magic system from previous patients. Oh, joy.

Patient is a 32-year-old male with first-degree burns on scalp and second-degree burns on knuckles after ex-girlfriend set his hair on fire with flamethrower and he punched flamethrower in retaliation. The flamethrower has been confiscated, but the ex-girlfriend in question is a close relative of the fire-conjuring self-necromancer I dealt with two weeks ago, so expect similar incidents in the near future.

Patient is a 32-year-old female whose leg has been grazed by a bullet courtesy of the 32-year-old male burn victim. Patient is gleeful at the sight of own blood, declaring it “red as sunset” and “warmer than wine”. Psych eval recommended for both parties to this injury, though they have been confined to separate corners of the ER to prevent further conflict.

Patient is a 19-year-old female who has been bitten by a snake that had somehow been conjured from her own scythe. Minor risk of infection, but patient informs me that this kind of snake is only meant to injure the undead by causing them to collapse into piles of dust. Patient then offered to demonstrate and promptly turned my stethoscope into a snake. I decided to take the rest of the day off and asked Dr. Scott to cover my shift. I swear, this job is going to be the death of me.

Update: 17-year-old coma patient has awoken with no sign of lasting brain damage. Patient claims to have had a psychic vision of the death of her King, but refuses to disclose any further information about what she experienced while in “trance state”. I offered to manage her outpatient care, but Dr. Banner has expressly forbidden me from having further contact with the patient. He claims that I am incapable of dealing with magic in a professional manner after withholding information from him re: the necromancer incident.

Patient is a 19-year-old transgender male who has collapsed due to inability to breathe after accidentally binding breasts too tightly. He also has a history of self-medication with testosterone from home-grown ginseng, pine needles, and antlers shed from young Siberian roe deer. Patient seems eager for me to perform top surgery, but since the King of Kevarya has expressly forbidden me to approve this request, I will suggest magical alternatives instead.

Patient is a 27-year-old winged humanoid physician with nasal fracture after hostile encounter with 19-year-old transgender patient, who claims that Dr. Banner suggested a “magical cure” for the patient’s gender dysphoria. I am sorely tempted to quote to him his own remarks about my supposed unprofessional behavior re: magic. Instead, I settle for smiling as I report the incident to HR.

Patient is a 28-year-old reincarnation of Alexander Hamilton. Between this and the broken nose, I am seriously considering applying for a desk job.