•3 months ~
quietly re:drawing lines. . . affirming Love has No Borders and Love has Healthy Boundaries applying that note to myself and saying Yes, Me Too. •no matter how many+years pass, i haven’t forgotten. when the need for self-destruction pulls itself from the Deep catching me UnSure ~ what is worth my self-preservation? to control the way i hurt myself because i could not control the way Someone-Else decided to hurt me. •i have been hurt by people no, not strangers. only people with access to intimacy has hurt me. the ones that mattered, anyway. antagonists in the form of fri.end.s people i trusted then got close+enough to hurt+the vulnerability i exposed. •i was raped when i was 16. he was a “friend.” we met often - i showed him+my artwork, which included nudes. he took that+to mean i was “interested in him” and later on, he took that to mean that i consented “sex” with+him, which i clearly did not. because in a “friendly” moment he used his wrestling moves to hold me down. and he used his verbal brilliance to confuse me. he was smart for a jock. but i never wanted anything sexual. just a friendship. i pretty much showed everyone who was interested back then my artwork and no+one misinterpreted that to mean i was interested in them sexually. No One. just him. and HE chose to RAPE me. •(a person’s emotional manipulation has always struck me awkwardly - my truth-knowing+gut waiting for the person’s words to match their action.s - so i become silent, waiting… being older now+with more fortitude in my inter=Actions with people, i do not hesitate to be Brutally Honest to those who Lie, and be Refreshingly Candid to those who are willing see to see who i am - and who they are.) when i was raped i told two friends, intimate with my heart : one of them believed me and quietly consoled me. one of them chose to make light of it and teased me about how once i was alone in the back seat of a car with+him - and i screamed in my head, ’’THAT’S BECAUSE YOU GUYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM! I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THERE I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THERE I DIDN’T WANT TO BE - !” i quietly drew a line where i would not confide in this friend such sensitive matters of my soul anymore… and i did so every time someone displayed how tone deaf they were in a social situation. i did to another guy fri.end. that questioned me showing “those kinds of drawings anyway” to my rapist - how sick i felt+that he was finding a reason that “getting raped” was my fault. and how i would silently block outhis fri.end. when it came to my worries - but i would stay & listen to his - and how my last encounter with almost being raped again when i was 20 was not shared with said fri.end. because that line i drew cemented- years later, i no longer have to worry about him blaming me for someonelse’s deplorable behavior. •some people just can’t accept what NO means. and most people don’t even know what CONSENTUAL SEX means. and they confuse RAPE with “unwanted sex.” i’ve screamed this a thousand times across pages and to uncomprehending minds: RAPE IS NOT SEX. RAPE IS VIOLENCE. RAPE IS ASSAULT. RAPISTS USE SEX AS A WEAPON. Consentual Sex involves people of age saying Yes, Me Too - in the most positive way. they are saying Yes, I find you attractive - whether that be mind, body, and soul - Yes, I Want To Too. •and this last guy i was almost raped by? he worked at the art gallery and he had an 8 year old daughter - divorced, and older than my dad. he tried to manipulate me into running away with him- to Russia of all places because he was part Russian. he tried to woo me about how he’ll take care of me. all that talk because i would visit the art gallery often and make good conversation and watch his daughter while he worked. i don’t know what kind of Asian girl he thought i was but i was no longer that frightened 16 year old and i am no fucking mail-order bride. oh yeah, AND I’M A LESBIAN. i saw him walking drunk on the street one day and i offered to hold him so he could walk. he said his place was down the street so i walked him to his studio. i had to use the bathroom and i did at his place. when i came out of the bathroom, he was shirtless and told me to sit with him on his bed… i refused and said if he wanted to talk, i would sit on the couch. he did… wanted to do more than talk - he must’ve been acting drunk. although his breath reeked of beer he seemed in control. before i knew it, he turned off the lamp lights and pounced on me in the dark- i punched his chest until he recoiled from getting hit and i shot up, feeling for the front door- he locked it when i went to the bathroom- that made my blood boil. not knowing how close he was to me as i unlocked the door in the dark, i yelled, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME! i made my way out and just ran. then he began to stalk me at work. the library of all places. my manager noticed that i always hid when i saw him and said he would ask for me. if there ever was a badass librarian manager, that would be her. her frame is slim, her voice quiet, her tone sharp and her aura terrifying. i observed being quiet and deadly from her~ she’s good at reading people too. she promptly told him to stop coming to the library if he was only there to harrass me. she even offered to call the police if he didn’t listen. i told her & my co-worker Friend what happened. expletives left my manager’s mouth and my co-worker Friend engulfed me in a hug. that was the first and lastime i ever shed tears in a work place… •and there have been more experiences with guy fri.end.s that have sexually harassed me because they don’t know what NO means. they also don’t understand what LESBIAN means obviously. they are lucky i haven’t Chun Li kicked their nuts - i’ve given them the gift of Ignoring their Existence completely instead. •i don’t have to like people to help them- that’s the younger me. now, i just have to really see that you’re truly a good person for *you* to stay in my life. i didn’t have to spend time with those guys who i thought were Friends. but in their time of need, i was there. because that’s the kind of person i am. now i construct boundaries on solid ground. if you are always giving kindness and not receiving kindness back, something is wrong. when i say NO, it’s my RIGHT. NO, you can’t feel my tits. NO, you can’t just kiss me. NO, i don’t want+to “try” to see if i “like it.” i KNOW+what & who i like. in whatever way that is. i don’t care if you’re a “friend.” i don’t owe you “compliment sex.” once that boundary has been crossed it’s sexual harrassment. touch me in any unwanted way & that’s assault. •so to those fri.end.s who’ve sided with my abusers - that’s the difference. Rape is Not Sex. hurting someone intentionally is A Choice. and Healthy Love has Boundaries. •i can make those boundaries as much as i want. because #MeToo , i got raped and society sees Unwanted Sexual Advances (Sexual Harrassment) as “normal” shouldn’t be acceptable. •and i no longer accept staying hurt by you to be my norm. •Day 294. RedYinFireRooster ••• *note* i’ve also had female fri.end.s only wanting sex. this+is not a post bashing men. it’s a post about my experiences with people who’ve violated my boundaries and revealed their ugliness inside, and they also happen to be male. i’ve said No to women before, but they did not hold me down and rape me. Saying No to a woman in my experience has been soft, with the women understanding my Refusal. however, we are not true friends because they only wanted one thing that i was not willing to give them. LOVE HAS NO BORDERS IN THE SENSE OF TIME, CONSENTUAL AGE, RACE, OR GENDER - BUT STRONG BOUNDARIES REVEALS REAL LOVE. REAL +LOVE IS BUILT ON HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
p.s. i’ve been in a consentual relationship with a married woman before and not all the sex was exactly consentual, but more like co-erced by (and to) her & her husband’s liking. *that* is my fault for staying and also *my* Lesson: