Being autistic is so hard.
Growing up not knowing what was wrong with you and being bullied because of it was so traumatic.
Being in your mid 40s and not having your mum and dad in your life to support you for the past 20 years feels kind of soul crushing.
Always feeling like you don't belong or that you don't deserve to exist is depressing.
Always second guessing yourself or why you do things is exhausting.
Watching others around you and wishing you could be more like them, that you could somehow blend in and be part of something, but the moment you try you feel like you're drowning.
My mind feels like it's in a constant state of fight or flight. All my life I've been taught I need to be strong, so because of this I struggle to feel vulnerable around others.
With that being said I really love cute things and I try so hard to allow myself to express that side of me. To be able to unmask and show that part of me if you will. That inner child or maybe it's just my true inner being. Who knows, all I know is that when I do express that part of me I get a lot of imposter syndrome. I worry if any of it is really me or if it's just what I wish was me. It's all very confusing.
It's like this weekend my partner and I are going to watch the new Lilo & Stitch movie. So because of this I decided to order myself the character Angel from it. However now I'm worried it was an impulsive buy. It's just I really don't have much money at the moment, but at the same time I really love the idea of having that plush with me when we go.
However sadly, now I'm feeling guilty for buying it. It's like what am I doing with my life, why did I feel the need to do that? Did I only do it because I've heard of others like myself doing it? I guess in my mind it just sounded cute and I liked the idea of others seeing me with it and thinking, oh that's adorable.
My big worry is, I'll never be able to grow up, and I really struggle with that concept. I equally struggle with the idea of ever having to grow up. To me that sounds so traumatising.
Well anyway I just needed to get my thoughts out, so if you managed to read all of this, thank you. 💜
Before I go here are some pictures of the plush toy I just ordered.