25 & Back like Cooked Crack
Guess who’s bizzack nigga?!
Sorry for the delay. I know the few readers that I do have, have been waiting for my triumphant return. I haven’t been very motivated to do anything, let alone write blogs and open myself up and be more vulnerable. My last post was a hard one for me to write and it took a lot out of me. It’s interesting though. The last post that I wrote was about me struggling with depression, yet instead of people checking in on me, they just brushed past it. I’m not sure how to feel about it. On one hand, it’s like you can quite literally put the writings on the wall and people will still only look at it and tell you “what a pretty picture”, instead of seeing the pain behind it. On the other hand, maybe I should just be happy that anyone’s seeing my art at all? Who knows. Either way, I’m back at it. I’m still struggling with my demons but I’m keeping them at bay today. The past few weekends, I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with doing things with other people and not taking my times of solitude as much as I normally do. This weekend was the pause I needed to get back to Mish. Self-care is so important. The funny part is, I haven’t done ANYTHING. Just chores that needed to be done at home, and I’m happier than a pig in shit. Withdrawing from people and not having any face-to-face contact with anyone for a couple days is so invigorating for me. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I can completely unplug (no cell phone, no social media, etc) from the outside world just yet, but I know I will one day. I fully plan on going on my own eat pray love journey: Mish style (aka frugal as fuck because I’m also fully broke).
The good thing about the break from writing? I fell in love with music again. Now, this isn’t to say that I ever fell out of love with music, but it is to say that as I’ve gotten older, I haven’t been pulling my weight in the relationship. For the most part, I have only been listening to music that comes on the radio or projects that others have referred to me. There’s something very wrong with that. However, lately, I’ve been listening to music that made me remember why I fell in love in the first place. Music that reminds me of every part of my life: punk albums from high school, old school albums from childhood, reggae songs that remind me of the piece of me that’s missing, R&B albums that give me some soul and of course hip-hop albums that flow through me like blood in my veins. I want to get back into reading as well. My attention span is also getting shorter as I get older. As much as I love my solitude, it’s rarely spent in silence. So, it is difficult for me to sit still and read or write for long periods of time before my mind wanders somewhere else. Even so, I know that is something I need to get back to for my own sanity.
After this weekend, I’ve also decided that I will be giving up meat...again. As a thirty-day challenge one year, I gave up beef and pork, now here I am four years later, and I haven’t had either since. I know I can do the same with chicken, turkey, and lamb. I’m still deciding if I’m going to be eliminating seafood as well. It’s going to be tough though; I remember having to restart with beef and pork like three times, but once I was on the wagon that last time, I rode that bitch out for the last four years. This will be great being that I’ll be eating better, but it will also be fun and grant me the opportunity to find new ways of eating my favorite foods while substituting meat. In addition to this, I’m also going to be going back to the gym! I’m most excited about that because I’m a huge gym rat when I want to be. Working out is so therapeutic and it truly helps with my insomnia so I cannot wait to get my body AND my sleep back. Writing my blog helps to relieve my mental stress, but I need physical activity to help me do the same.
Finally, I am going to continue sticking to my weekly blog deadline of Sundays at 8 PM EST. I have to stick to this mostly because I’m trying to work on committing to things. Not to say I’m afraid of all types of commitment, but I do have trouble with believing in myself, so I will often start things that I really like to do and may even be good at, and then give up on it because I don’t feel as though I’m as good as others think. No more! I don’t want kids, so this blog is my baby. I want to raise it, watch it grow and mature into the beautiful creation that I have birthed into the world. Like raising any child, it will be difficult and to be honest I have no idea what the hell I’m doing, but that will not stop me from doing the damn thing. The only thing that I ask you all? To hold me accountable to my commitments. Encourage me to keep going when I feel like I can’t go on, and I will continue to write relatable and taboo posts. I’m ready to talk about what’s real and what’s really uncomfortable. So, get comfortable because your Sundays just got better.
