Social Sunday #1: A comprehensive guide to communication theory and listening
Listening is a skill of vital importance, we use it every day and it is essential not only for acquiring information but also for building and maintain healthy relationships. Whether at work, home or school listening is a gateway to greater success. Despite this, most of the information on the web about listening is either superficial or impractical. This post will operate as a comprehensive overview of listening; its importance, its neglect, its theoretical basis and most importantly how we can be better at it! This post will be quite long, but it will be divided by sub-headings. If you are short on time or simply want to read specific parts then feel free to scroll and navigate by those.
The importance of listening and its neglect in modern life:
As with all things we publish on our blog, we aim to give not just our own opinions or feelings, but also a synthesis of the academic discourse surrounding that topic. In this case I will be justifying the importance of listening from empirical research done in the Social Sciences, most notably communication theory.
“Listening is the quintessential positive interpersonal communication behaviour” and is vitally important in relationships from early childhood all the way through adult life (Bodie, 2009; Myers, 2000; Notarius & Herrick, 1988). Good Listening listening is an important aspect of parenting (Duancan, Coatsworth & Greenberg, 2009), marital relationships (Pasupathi, Crstensen, Levenson & Gottman, 1999), salesperson performance (Castleberry & Shepherd, 1993), customer satisfaction (de Ruyter & Wetzels, 2000), and healthcare provision (Watanuki, Tracy & Lindquist, 2006); the list is endless, as is the empirical research to back such claims as evidenced in the brackets. Furthermore, good listeners are more liked, rated as more attractive (argyle & Cook, 1976), and gamer more trust (Mechanic & Meyer, 2000) than those less proficient. They have higher academic motivation and achievement (Imhof, 2001; Schrodt, Wheeless & Ptacek, 2000), better socio-emotional development (Jalongo, 2010), and higher likelihood of upward mobility in the workplace (Sypher, Bostrum &Seibert, 1989). Basically, listening is essential for success – it’s just that simple.
Despite such overwhelming evidence in its favour, listening has always been neglected in academia and more broadly, in life. This is a phenomenon which has only worsened in modern times. Writing, speaking and reading have always trumped listening in the educational arena (Jalongo, 2010). These other skills are the informative and expressive skills, but more than this, they are far more tangible. It is easy to define criteria for a good writer, a good speaker and a good reader. Being a good listener on the other hand is more complex to judge and also much harder to teach. Subsequently, listening is a selfless skill, it demands you give up attention and place it on someone else. It means you give up your time to offer solace or solution for a problem or feeling not your own. Some find this natural, but many (like me) do not. Finally, listening is being neglected and we are becoming worse at it due to social media and the technological revolution. The actual amount of verbal communication we have face to face is declining in time spent, and in quality due to the constant distractions of phones and other devices. All of these factors have combined to make the modern man or women a poor listener with fewer avenues for improvement.
Never fear, this is where we at Recta Via come in. Throughout the rest of this post I will lay the ground work for identifying what theory underlies communication between people, thus, how we can become better listeners and reap all the rewards that come with doing so.
Basic communication theory:
When people communicate it is through a process of expressing wants, thoughts and feelings by speaking and through listening and understanding what others express to us. The motive to communicate is the fulfilment of perceived needs and in deciding to communicate the person selects a code which they communicate. The code is used in the belief it will effectively express and deliver what they have to say. This code is both verbal and non-verbal and when the other person receives it they go through a process of trying to interpret this code to achieve an understanding of the message. Thus, effective communication exists when the receiver interprets and understands the message in the same way that the sender intended it.
From this basic theory we can already see that real life communication can diverge from this greatly. There are a large list of factors that can limit communication which originate at both the speaker and the listener; language, lack of clarity by the speaker, distractions, opposing personal viewpoints or beliefs and the speaker not clearly knowing what they actually want to express are all examples of these difficulties. By simply thinking of difficulties either party could have, and then actively limiting the ones we have control over is one simple way to improve communication, which we will come back to later. However, we are focussing on listening and what we can do individually to better interpret and understand the coded messages we receive. More than this we are seeking to make our understanding known to those who speak to us.
To improve as listeners the first thing we must do is better understand ourselves, specifically to be more aware of our state as listeners. This will come through a knowledge of the three basic listening models; competitive, passive and active listening.
Competitive listening exists when our state is focussed on our own view point. We listen for openings to take the floor or to rebut and attack the person we listen to. This can either be argumentative or if you simply are a naturally conversationally dominant. This is obviously a negative model as you will either actively ignore the other person due to be on the opposing side of an argument, or you will not give them full attention as you plot your points and ideas in your head for when it is your turn.
Passive listening exists when we are genuinely interested in hearing the other person, but we assume we heard and understand them correctly. This is by far the most common form of listening, it is a neutral state, where we want to connect but are simply not doing enough as a listener to create a connection beyond simple understanding.
Active listening exists when we are genuinely interested but are also active in checking our understanding is correct. More than this we also restate, paraphrase or reflect the speaker’s ideas back to them to communicate this understanding and verify it. This verification and subsequent communication is what distinguishes this model. It is also what establishes it as the best listening approach. A small note must be made, which is this form of listening fails if we spend too much mental capacity trying to reflect ideas back and therefore don’t fully engage with those same ideas. Just like all things, you will improve with conscious practice of this skill.
Now that we have covered the basic theory with a focus on our own state as listeners we can move toward better understanding others when they speak. The first thing to recognise is that conversation between people comes in recognisable levels. The levels are as follows;
As a listener we must work to recognise these levels and respond appropriately. If we do not meet the speaker on the level they feel most relevant we will not understand them fully, and risk upsetting them. For example, if your wife or girlfriend comes to you with hurt feelings and you try to only focus on the facts of the situation she will most likely become more upset. Likewise, if a man asks you the time on the street and you begin to ask him about how he is feelings today he will most likely be frustrated and uncomfortable. Here we can see how not operating on the same level as your counterpart will cause awkward or hurtful social situations. As a listener it is your job to decode what message is coming from and then choose the level that is most relevant. It must be noted that understanding and being on the same level are not the same as agreeing with them. It is perfectly fine as a listener to have an opposing view, it simply means you must use empathy to try and see things from their perspective and then off your view in a way that will not be offensive or aggressive. Communication becomes more complex as levels are moved through in different parts of a conversation. Often people lay down facts first before expressing thoughts and then explaining how this made them feel. Being able to follow these changes up and down the levels will make you a far better listener, and simply being aware that they exist is the first step. The next step is conscious practice practice.
We have already discussed that we communicate to fulfil a need, now we can look at this in more detail. As speakers we have several motives or goals, the vast array of these can be condensed into three distinct categories.
Emotional goals: when we want to express a feeling in order to gain some emotional relief, we want to feel better or at least feel understood.
Practical goals: when we want help solving a problem, we want a solution that can be put into action.
Relational goals: when we want to change the way someone acts around us, be that the listener or someone they know well enough to help us achieve this.
Identifying which of these goals the speaker is trying to achieve will make it far easier to help them, which in turn will help strengthen your relationships. So how can we recognise each one? Well first the setting of the conversation and who it is with is the first indicator. If it is with a work colleague not during a break it is most likely going to be practical, just as if it is with an upset family member it is most likely going to be emotional. The language they use and the level on which they communicate is also another great indicator. However, as with all things the theory will be far simpler than its application, each conversation may move through several goals and levels simultaneously. Practice, practice and more practice is the key.
Here is a list of simple and more practical tips that can help you become a better listener, these are all based on the theory we have covered in the rest of this post.
When listening be sure you are in the active model, unless it is a formal debate or argument when you can assume the competitive model (see relevant section for more information).
You can reflect more than just the words you hear, you may also reflect;
Do not answer questions immediately, they may be rhetorical or being used to express something rather than actually seeking an answer.
Know when to stop reflecting and start contributing to the discussion. Don’t hide behind the active listening model to avoid voicing your own opinions, be honest.
If you feel you do not understand the person, do not stay quiet, ask them or paraphrase the understanding you have and see if they correct you.
Eye contact and body language are extremely important! Remember the ‘coded message’ can be non-verbal so make sure to pay attention to both yours and the speakers non-verbal queues.
Do not be judgemental; try to empathise with their position even if you do not explicitly agree. This is one of the hardest things to master, as is sensing when it is time to speak up and offer a different view.
Limit all barriers to communication that you can control:
Remove noise interference
The focus must be on the person speaking, not on your own thoughts
Do not interrupt the speaker, wait for natural gaps in the conversation to reflect
Ask questions that prompt a deeper response
How do you feel about that?
What would you like to have happened?
Why does it bother you so much?
Avoid these (condescending) phrases:
Listening is a crucially important skill that we as a society have become worse at. There is a lack of academic and empirical based articles on how to improve at this skill. This post aims to operate as a comprehensive guide to understanding communication better and more specifically, being a better listener. I hope that through reading this you feel as though you have some new tools with which to improve your work and home life, but this is not a magic wand. You must consciously practice these skills in order to improve and reap the rewards of being a great communicator.
