There were always concessions. Little self-betrayals of one's values and virtues and morals, the thousand ways everyone cut against their convictions in order to get things done. That was the real crux of modernity. The extractive cost required to make any kind of progress. No matter what you did or sought to do, the cost was always a little bit of yourself.
I suppose they didn't have indoor concessions at Ebbets Field in those days. At any rate, these fans were buying their hot dogs and other snacks at stands outside the ballpark, October 6, 1920.
Photo: Bain News Service/Library of Congress (LoC)
I wish that people understood that there is a distinction between valid and understandable personal emotions and the ideal way to create policy and laws or apply morality. I think it is fine for people to instinctively feel happiness if a serial killer or rapist dies. That doesn't mean the act of killing them is moral, or that the death penalty is ok. It is natural for people to want vengeance when their country is at conflict, that doesn;t mean negotiations and deals and concessions should not happen. People should be allowed to feel whatever they want, there are no thought crimes, but my personal and instictive feelings ican't are not what i actually morally believe to be the right thing for a country to do.
Ottawa drops elbows in an effort to de-escalate trade war with the United States.
Canada is scrapping some retaliatory tariffs, a major concession aimed at cooling trade tensions with the United States, Prime Minister Mark Carney announced Friday.
“We have the best deal of anyone in the world right now,” Carney told reporters in Ottawa, noting that the average U.S. tariff rate on Canadian goods is 5.6 percent, the lowest among America’s trading partners. “Today, the Government of Canada is harmonizing its tariffs with the U.S.”
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #848
So! I managed to get a decent chunk of the to-do list I came up with last night done today. And it's only 7pm right now, which isn't bad; I've got like 3 hours to be awake. I'll explain in a sec.
So I texted my boss at work asking when I'm supposed to be in tomorrow, because he didn't answer my query yesterday or the day before. And then I waited. I waited for so long, in fact, that I was able to get some dishes done, feed my cats, and make myself a tea. This time, I decided on jasmine, with honey and whipped cream:
Eventually, while I was still doing a few dishes, my work boss called me. Apparently, my supposition that my schedule had not changed, that the compliments he wrote were a means to “soften the blow” of this news, that his hesitation was reflective of a nervousness to deliver this news, were all on the mark. Which figures, since, given my upbringing, my brain is very good at making calculations to this effect.
...I do not like this particular kind of manipulation. But I will try to have some grace. This kind of field attracts two kinds of people, mostly: people who genuinely want to help, and people who enjoy the feeling of having power and control over vulnerable people. And unfortunately, there are a lot more of the second than the first. And the second kind of person... tends to get volatile when they don't get their way. I am not that kind of person, but... he doesn't really know that in his bones yet, given all the other shit he's undoubtedly dealt with as someone in a leadership position in this field.
I can have grace and still refuse to be swayed, though. I'll probably need to keep an eye out for this kind of disingenuousness from him in the future. But we'll see. I still think he's a good leader overall; it can't be easy to make a bunch of very different and conflicting personalities work together in a care setting.
In the end, my schedule did change slightly. Instead of coming in at 6am, I'll be coming in at 7am, which... actually takes a significant amount of time pressure off of me in the evenings, and will make it so that the most stressful parts of the morning are already dealt with. I won't be bending down and lifting things and getting people dressed, so much. Presumably, I'll be able to focus mainly on preparing breakfast, feeding people, cleaning up, and helping with transport.
I'll give it a try. If it's still not sustainable, I can exit.
I breathed life into today's wishes for you after that:
M and I made plans to turn today's errands into a lunch date. I had intended to get my debit card sorted out, and to pick up the new dosage of prazosin at the pharmacy; for now, I'm just doubling up on my current dosage. But... the increased dosage seems to be working for its intended purpose; it blocks adrenaline receptors, with the intention of lowering blood pressure, but... it seems to be super helpful for taking the edge off the anxiety aspect of the C-PTSD that I live with.
...Interestingly, today while doing the dishes, I was decently relaxed. Normally, when I'm doing anything, I'm plagued by thoughts of what I “should” be doing, which prompts me to try to “hurry the fuck up” with what I'm currently doing, which is ridiculously stressful. Today, though, while doing the thing, the thought that resounded in my mind, which was easier to listen to today than usual, was, “The now is perfectly fine.”
...It's a really awesome thought to be able to heed, after living for 18 years with people who took great delight in hurting me, and would use whatever I was doing at any given moment for “justification” to do that. I've been on the receiving end of my mother's tirades about what a stupid and awful person I am for doing the dishes when she felt I should be doing the laundry, or doing the laundry when she felt I should be doing the dishes, and... they're definitely not fun.
Several other things occurred to me today, too, that felt much easier for me to heed. Like, “It is not [my] responsibility to ensure that any 'now' is ideal,” “The existence of any 'now' that is less than ideal does not mean that [I] deserve punishment,” and, “In the case of communication that is clear and made in good faith, misinterpretations are the result of fear obscuring the ears of the listener.”
...Thanks. :) Ya know, for, uh... being here, and... reading. That's not exactly it, but I do have to thank you, so... I'll go with that.
...But some of these things that occurred to me are hard to put into practice. You can take the case of my mother getting angry while driving with me anywhere. The blame for any traffic jam or other frustration always fell back onto me. When I mentioned this to J, he gave me an incredulous look, and said, sarcastically, “Yeah, because you totally control all the traffic,” and that seems like an obvious rebuttal to my mother's past bullshit, but... that's never how it was framed. It was usually, “we wouldn't be stuck in this fucking mess if I didn't have to drag your sorry ass all over god's green fucking acres,” or, “I wouldn't be so stressed the fuck out right now if you had/hadn't [insert whatever thing she felt I should or shouldn't have done here] earlier!”
...I've been babysitting the unchecked emotions of frightened, angry toddlers stuck in adult bodies for as long as I can remember. And the price of failing in this has always been pain, in environments I couldn't escape. Most of the time, whatever non-ideal thing they were upset with had nothing to do with me; they just wanted someone to hit (verbally or physically), and... I was a vulnerable target that my society says is permissible to hurt.
...And that's what a lot of generational trauma and so many other things boil down to: there are certain groups of people in my world that society at large has decided are okay to hurt, to coerce, to control – brown-skinned people, LGBTQ+ people, non-Christian people, women, disabled people, and... children. Children are treated like property in my world. So are women. So are brown-skinned people. And the rest... the rest are treated like aberrations to be exterminated. And some are treated like both.
...I'm sure you know far too much about what both of these things are like.
It's one of the reasons it's so important to refuse to treat any person like it's okay to hurt them. I wish more people would commit to making that choice. But... often times, fear gets in the way. And people make mistakes when they're afraid. Hell, people make mistakes in general.
...Nothing is ever ideal, and... somehow, I think that's a good thing. If nothing is ideal, then they can just be made or reshaped into something that is good. I think there's a kind of beauty in trying to love something that is good, enough to put in the effort to hold that good thing together, even when it's bruised, bumpy, or breaking.
Well, in any case. Though M and I had plans to go do errand/lunch date, I also realized that my stank-ass was in desperate need of a shower. So I went and did that, and then got... distracted, haha... by J, and... by the time I got dressed and ready to go, M had only time for one of the errands after eating lunch, so he and J and I went to the Chinese buffet again. And it was about the same as before:
I only got one plate of things before my body decided it was all done. I wonder if this, too, is an effect of reducing the influence of adrenaline on my system with the increased prazosin...
...I like who I am a little more when my bloodstream is not flooded with stress hormones. But between the C-PTSD and the PCOS and the chronic pain from the EDS... I'm not really sure to what extent the influence of adrenaline (and therefore, cortisol) can be controlled. Maybe it's something I ought to look into in the coming weeks...
M and I went to the pharmacy to pick up our respective medicines. Than we got home, and I and breathed life into the wishes for Thursday, Friday, and Saturday; I'll show you those later. Then, I began gathering up my clothing and such for the next three days. I still gotta get my little laptop together, and a few more odds and ends. I still gotta braid my hair. So I guess I'll go and do that.
...I can't believe today is mostly over, already. Seriously, linear time is some kind of bullshit. Do you still deal with linear time? And if not, then... does not having it create additional, and potentially more problematic problems...? I wonder...
Well, anyway... I love you. Enough that I think of you pretty much all the time. Enough that, as long as you're here, I'll keep stumbling around even when it's hard, doing things, and showing them to you, so that you can delightedly say, “Ooo, look at that!” at all the ordinary things you missed out on while you were still under someone else's control. So please... I'll ask that, just like me, you'll keep doing your best out there. And I... I'll have faith that you will. I'll have faith that you'll treat yourself and the people around you gently. I'll have faith in your capacity to make kind and loving choices, and to keep yourself safe in the process. And... I'll have faith in your eventual return home.
I'll write again tomorrow, most likely during my break between shifts.
