݁ ˖Ი𐑼⋆ familiar monster ! . .
— synopsis . :: you return to a prison visiting room one year after everything fell apart, visiting the boy who ruined everything and still has a hold on you somehow. what starts as a quiet visit quickly turns into a tense, unsettling reminder that some feelings are harder to let go of than others.
ⓘ warnings . || toxic relationship , abuse (emotional - psychological) manipulation , gaslighting , mass murder - violence (referenced) , death of a friend , grief and trauma unhealthy attachment - trauma bonding , controlling behavior , morally disturbing themes and other content that may disturb some readers. be warned!
— english is in fact not my first language , hope you enjoy tho!
2012, ONE YEAR.
one year. 365 days exactly, 12 months ago today, of the massacre committed by your so-called boyfriend, even though you wouldn’t call whatever this is a relationship.
visitor. that's what it said on the sticker on your jacket. that's how it was in prison, wasn't it? everyone was labeled with a number or a simple word. It didn't matter what crime your family member or acquaintance had committed, from a simple robbery to a mass murder like Kevin, they still didn't care about your pain.
your eyes wandered around the ceiling of the room, following a couple of flies, you were bored, and that at least, relaxed you in a way, because after all, you hadn't seen that boy for a long time, the one who had manipulated you, who you thought you loved and thought you were loved by him. it was confusing that you were there. but, you felt you had to be there.
you sit down almost nervously in the chair settled across from him, a small table keeping you apart and at a reasonable distance from each other. you weren’t sure why you were here in the first place but you felt like this place was pulling you in, him calling out your name, for you to come visit him even though you know it was just complete bullshit as Kevin doesn’t beg, he never in his life has he begged for anything, the only thing he needed to do to get what he wants was to simply take it against any odds and morals.
your hands sat in your lap on your shaky thighs, fingers fidgeting with each other while you lied back in the chair, glancing up at him from your hands to meet his eyes, them already staring back at you, already analyzing your facial expressions and every single twitch of your face and body
“well.. how are you holdin up in here?”
kevin watched your nervous behavior with a predator’s quiet amusement. he leaned back in his chair, the metal creaking under his shifting weight, his eyes tracing the movement of your fingers intertwining and untangling in your lap. He knew you were uncomfortable, he could practically smell the anxiety radiating off you, and he found it intoxicating. you were here, despite everything. fuck, you came to visit him before his mother could have even thought about it.
he let the silence stretch between you for a long moment, as if he was savoring it. when his lips finally curled into that familiar, mocking smile, his voice came out low and deliberate.
"How am I holding up?" he repeated your question, tilting his head slightly.
“It’s a standard question, just answer it damn it” you softly snap back at him, annoyance flashing behind the slight anxiety inside of your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest to suppress your fidgetyness, you would be lying if you said you didn’t have any feelings left for him, even after all of the horrible stuff he has done to you and how he put your best friend in the hospital, then her dying inside said hospital shortly after, your mourning still remaining inside your heart.
you couldn’t forgive him so easily, you don’t even think it’s possible for you to forgive him, he isn’t the right person for you in any way, and he might never be. but the fact the relationship between you feels forbidden and completely messed up, it seems to keep pulling you back into a self destructive cycle you can’t quite stop from looping.
kevin chuckled darkly, the sound scraping against the quiet air of the visiting room. He enjoyed your annoyance far more than your nervousness, annoyance meant passion, meant you weren't indifferent. his eyes dropped to your crossed arms, noting the defensive posture before locking back onto yours with that terrifyingly calm intensity.
"Standard questions get standard answers, darling,"
"I'm holding up just fine." he said, his voice empty of any emotional reflection to your own. He could have been discussing the weather or commenting on the food in the prison cafeteria. He wasn't going to give you anything real, not just yet.
“well, I’m glad the prison isn’t a hellhole to you..” you start, regaining some of your lost confidence and hatred you tried to tell yourself you felt, gaslighting your brain to believe it, but your feelings towards him were stronger, easily overpowering and taking down the negative feelings, yet this time you managed to gather a few words before it dying down. “but i also hope you rot in there and don’t come out. ever.”
kevin laughed, a soft and chilling sound that lacked any genuine humor but held a terrifying amount of affection. he leaned forward over the small metal table, invading your personal space just enough to make your heart race, his eyes darkening with that twisted satisfaction he always felt when you showed bite.
"You hope I rot?"
your body immediately tenses at his sudden approach, the hairs at the back of your neck standing up as you straighten your posture, crossing your arms over your chest as you nervously gulped, the saliva going deliberately slow down your throat and finally down into your stomach thats started to cramp from all of the anxiety knotting the nerves inside together.
quickly composing yourself and regaining your guard, you put on an emotionless face yet the hints in your eyes and body language still remained, unable to disappear no matter how much you tried to mask them. “matter of fact, yeah i do”
kevin's smile widened, his teeth flashing in the fluorescent light of the room. He sat back slowly while maintaining eye contact, his gaze piercing through your carefully constructed mask. The way you tensed, the nervous swallow, the crossed arms, he saw it all. He knew he still affected you, even if you pretended to hate him.
you hated how your body betrayed you anytime you were around him, the feeling of his presence nearby alone can gauge a reaction out of you, you constantly degraded yourself for bending at his will, for still having feelings even if they are small and completely wrong, god do you wish you could just throw the entire chapter out of your life and forget about him, but the thought of never seeing him again also makes you feel sad and remorseful towards him.
it wasnt his choice to have such a tough upbringing, and live with the constant struggle of his mental health never being properly treated and always remaining misunderstood by the people around him, but it still doesn’t and cant excuse his actions in anyway, no matter how you bend the story the outcome still is the same—with his actions not justified by any one nor anything.
his gaze seemed to strip you bare, reading every thought that flashed across your eyes. kevin saw the conflict—the hatred battling with those remains of twisted affection, the way your morals fought with your trauma response. he knew exactly what you were thinking. you were trying to rationalize him, trying to separate the monster from the broken boy.
he leaned forward again, resting his elbows on the table, voice lowering so only you could hear. “you know what I love about you?"
His tone was almost gentle, a polar opposite to his usual menace. "even after everything, you still try to find excuses for my behavior."
your posture shot up straight, being surprised by his sudden words while your eyes widened at him, why would he possibly think that? you never did it verbally nor did you defend him in court while he was on trial for the murders he committed, nor when the people around him were against him, as well as his own mother—what actions could have triggered him to assume you would do that for him after everything?
during the whole visitation, your thoughts seem to be at constant war with each other, with no visible end. this train of thoughts should prove to you that you two aren’t made for each other, that he brings out the worse mental state in you, right? but still, some of your thoughts hold onto the good things about him, even if there aren’t many of them and the bad stuff overpowers them by a mile.
“what— no, i don’t and wouldn’t do that. why on earth would you assume that?”
his words got you thinking—maybe you do actually justify everyone of his actions because of your stubborn feelings left for him? as if engraved into your skin permanently. “I didnt defend you during your trial, in court, against your mother or others. What you did is inexcusable, even if someone wanted to excuse it, they couldn’t possibly”
kevin listened to your defensive rambling with an air of amusement, his head cocked slightly to the side as if studying a fascinating specimen. he watched the way your eyes flashed, the way your posture stiffened in response. he saw the conflict roiling beneath your surface—the desperate need to distance yourself from his crimes with the lingering attachment that refused to die.
"you didn't defend me with words," he countered smoothly, his voice dropping to a murmur that passed by your ears and went straight to your chest. "but you defend me in your head. you're doing it right now." attention dropped to your hands, noting the way your fingers dug into your arms, the way your body practically vibrated with tension.
his gaze flickered back up to your face, zeroing in on the tiny muscles twitching around your eyes, the slight parting of your lips as you sucked in quick, sharp breaths. kevin knew he was getting to you, pushing those hidden buttons that only he seemed to possess the code for.
“considering you aren’t inside of my head, you don’t know anything thats going on in it and quite frankly, it isnt your business what i’m thinking of” you shot him back a slight glare, well atleast you tried to glare at him as hard as you could but there was no possible venom behind it, even if you wanted to be mad at him, yell and scream about your best friend alongside all the other victims and how much you hate him and want him to never come out of prison, you can’t bring yourself to do so.
your brain cant convince your body to do not feel such things you desperately feel you need to, it seems like a never ending cycle, almost like a ferris wheel that you can’t grasp the control over, no matter how much people scream to stop the ride, you still can’t bring your hands to press the emergency stop button on the console
kevin's smirk deepened, tasting your weak glare like a victory. he didn't need to be inside your head—your body was an open book to him. every twitch, every swallowed breath, the way your jaw tightened just slightly when he leaned back with that infuriating knowing look.
"I don't need to be in your head." his eyes dropped pointedly to your chest, tracking the rapid rhythm of your heartbeat that was visibly thumping against your clothing "your body tells me everything I need to know."
he leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand, his voice dropping to a seductive, dangerous murmur. "you're angry, yes. you hate what I did."
he paused, his gaze flicking up to your face, watching the way your eyes darted away, the slight tremble of your lips. "but you don't hate me." his voice was soft, confident, a deadly combination that seemed to suck the air out of the room.
kevin titled his head, studying you with that predatory look that made you feel like a hunted prey. "you're sitting in the visiting room of a maximum security prison, not a courthouse. not a victim support group. not the cemetery."
his eyes held yours, unblinking. "you came here, didn't you."
“but it doesn’t mean i forgive you, Kev, in anyway—” the words came out your throat like poison, as if they were callousing the inside of your mouth while the taste was bitter. “if you think about it, we shouldn’t have ever been together, we were just.. toxic and never meant for each other, we need to move on from each other”
his expression darkened, a storm brewing behind his eyes. the nickname "Kev" on your lips felt like a physical blow, a reminder of the past he couldn't escape and the future he couldn't have with you.
“move on?" He repeated, voice low and dangerous.
"you think I don't know that?" his voice cracked slightly, the first sign of genuine emotion breaking through his cold exterior. "i know we were toxic. i know we were never meant to be." he leaned forward, hands clenched into fists on the table.
"but we were meant to be. that's the fucking tragedy of it all." his voice this time came out raw and stripped of its usual venom, revealing something broken underneath. "i killed people. i destroyed lives. and you..." he gestured at you with a small, almost unnoticeable movement. "you still fucking show up." the words weren't an accusation anymore, but a confession.
his jaw tightened and for a moment, you saw the boy beneath the monster—the same one who had cried on your shoulder after another therapy session that failed, the same one who had whispered promises he knew he couldn't keep.
"so tell me," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "why do you still come?"
“because..” you can’t seem to get any words past your lips, you can’t possibly tell him that the reason you keep visiting him is because your brain won’t let you stop thinking about him, because you still feel the spark between you even though you don’t want to, because you can’t wait for him to get released so that you could continue your lives together outside of the prison separating you from each other.
just as you have brought up enough courage to speak and actually confess to the truth, the guards have suddenly announced that visitation hours have ended and all remaining visitors are needed to exit the prison.
“Forget it.. I really need to go now, our time is over for today.”
he watched you scramble to gather your things, his eyes tracking your movements with an intensity that made the air feel thick. the guard's announcement of "Time's up" echoed through the room, but kevin didn't move. Instead, he reached out suddenly, grabbing your wrist before you could stand.
his grip was surprisingly gentle, considering the strength he'd used to overpower guards and other inmates. his thumb traced patterns on your pulse point, a habit he'd developed during more peaceful times between you two. "not so fast,"
his fingers tightened slightly, pulling you back down into your seat as if he had every right to keep you there. the guard cleared his throat loudly, reminding you both that visitors needed to leave immediately. but kevin ignored him, his eyes locked onto yours with an intensity that bordered with madness.
you glanced at the guard, then back at kevin who was still holding your wrist tightly, and you couldn’t to quite get yourself free, no matter the amount of protest coming from your gaze alongside the guards strict rules and policy.
“Kev, I seriously have to go, I don’t want to get you into more trouble by you trying to keep me here—“
his fingers loosened just enough, sliding down to lace through yours, now holding your hand captive rather than your wrist. he knew you wouldn't fight him—you never did.
“your so called ‘trouble’ is the last thing on my mind right now," he whispered, ignoring the approaching footsteps of the guard. "you said we weren't meant for each other—that we need to move on."
his voice lowered even further, becoming a dark murmur that seemed to vibrate through your entire body and existence. “so why do you keep coming back?" his thumb pressed into the center of your palm, a silent demand for an answer. the guard reached the table, his hand hovering over kevin's shoulder.
kevin didn't flinch or pull away, his gaze never leaving yours as the guard hesitated, clearly uncomfortable with the intimate scene unfolding before him. the guard cleared his throat loudly, trying to regain some semblance of authority. "sir, the visitor needs to leave now. you know the rules."
kevin’s jaw tightened, his eyes flashing with a warning that promised the guard would regret interrupting this moment. but he didn't fight. instead, he slowly released your hand, his fingers lingering against your skin for a second longer than necessary.
"I'll see you next week." he said it with absolute certainty, leaning back, his smirk returning with a dark edge.
“you know we can’t keep seeing each other, Kev. I won’t be back next time..”
his smile didn't falter—in fact, it widened into something sharp and knowing, a terrifying display of confidence that ignored your reality completely.
"yes, you will." he leaned back, lacing his fingers behind his head, watching the guard urge you toward the exit.
"you'll be back next week. and the week after. you always do."
he watched you walk away, his eyes tracking every step you took toward the exit until you disappeared through the heavy metal doors. he didn't look panicked at your final words. he didn't even look defeated. he leaned his head back against the cold wall, a slow, satisfied smirk curling his lips.
because he knew the truth...
✎ᝰ. vera’s notepad ! :: ik the layout is basic but i gotta prepare for a theme change and i just didn’t know what to do lol, i’ve been obsessed with this movie for a week straight now i needed to write somethin for kev cuz i love me a psychopath and lmk if yall want more of him ! . . .
— side note . :: It is so nice to slowly come back to this whole community and writing, sorry if this is kinda different style from how i used to write, i don’t even remember how i used to write lowkey . . .
