More Internal Dilemmas
Growing up we were on the poor side. Most of our stuff was dollarstore and thrifted products. I am still unraveling myself from the necessity to horde money and to not buy myself the things that I truly want. I still tend to go for the cheaper item, even though the better, more expensive one might benefit me more.
Money doesn't mean anything to me, it doesn't hold the buying power that it does to other people. I am struggling to allow myself to go out and have a more fancy meal. It's all so foreign to me. People don't NEED things to be happy. I don't need things to be happy. I'm healthy, I'm young, I have a loving family. That's all anyone can really ask for.
Now I have the chance to have MORE than enough. More than just survival things. I hate that there are people out there who still have nothing. I want to give what little extra I do have to those people. And I do. I donate every chance I get. We had to make use of food banks, of donations, of mental health office Christmas donations. We had times, whole months, where our only meals were pasta.
What gives me the right to buy things? Why should I care about skincare when people are struggling? It makes me feel nice, caring for myself is nice. But why should it matter? Why should I put the money in? I don't want to support capitalism, but I also don't want to be a minimalist. I LIKE books and hobby supplies and doing my makeup (now that I am finally allowing myself to be feminine at all).
My mind confuses me. Life confuses me. Why do I like pretty things if I don't need them? Food and shelter are all I REALLY need. Why do I crave more? I want to travel. Most people don't even get to travel. Why should I allow myself to travel when others can't?
