#contemplative.

[dooandpoo]

he’s thinking about overpriced houses.

[sharklet-blog1]

[lightthoseyears]

is showing grace still showing grace when you do it begrudgingly with a hard heart and you do it because you know that since God's shown you grace, you showing grace is the least you can do?

or is grace really defined by the person who receives it and recognizes that he/she doesn't deserve it?

[lightthoseyears]

slain by the Holy Spirit.

today i was slain by the Holy Spirit and it was ridiculous. what is my life right now. just... wow.

but let's backtrack.

i had no idea what would happen as i walked into friday service today but i knew it would be good. pastor seth was going to preach about the gospels which is honestly one of the best topics for God to use p. seth as His mouthpiece. people walked in and could feel the atmosphere was different; God was going to move tonight. 

after our prayer response and brief worship, p. seth invited people to go up and receive prayer. and of course, i went up. in dealing with family and csmp and just this summer, i really hoped that he could pray some prophetic words over me. obviously i'm not entitled to any type of prayer nor do i have any power of to request something like that. i'm so messed up. i should be thankful that i have a pastor who's so willing to just pray over his congregational members.

ANYWAY, as i stood there, receiving prayer, I WAS SLAIN. IT WAS RIDICULOUS. NEVER would i have imagined that something like this could happen to me. here i am, praying for God to touch me, to prove to me that He's there while p. seth is praying over me and BAM, i fall down. thankfully, someone caught me, but still. while i was falling, the thought "i can't believe this is happening. i'm falling right now" kept running through my head. but even as i fell, even as i laid there, i just felt this peace from God. all i could keep on repeating was that i believe in jesus, a good start to translate my head knowledge into my heart of jesus' sacrifice.

as i reflect, there are a few possible things that God could have been showing me:

1. as i was pushing so hard for God to show me how He exists, He pushed me back too. He pushed me to the ground to show me that He is here. even though i doubt His existence because i can't physically see Him, today was a very good reminder of what God's capable of and not to doubt the boundaries of His power. even without the need for a body, God touched me physically.

2. it was also good to think about how it is God who grounds me. the anal person that i am, i try to control everything. but i feel like being slain and falling to the ground was a way for God to communicate that HE'S IN CONTROL. that gravity doesn't hold me down but Him. that even my balance is not dependent on myself but on HIM. super powerful.

3. above all else, it brought me back to the gospel. when was the last time i treated Jesus as the good and amazing news that he is? it's been a while. i always love reading the gospels but all this head knowledge needs to travel down to my heart. my heart should naturally emit the compassion and love that i can understand when reading the Word.

all in all, this was an amazing access. 

God is so good. Jesus is so good. i need more of both.

[lightthoseyears]

heart check, 1 2 1 2.

where is my heart, exactly? i don't know. 

i wanted to honor God this weekend by doing things for Him, and He allowed me to. but why is it i struggle so hard to honor God through my academics? i know that i need to study and i know i want to do well, but why is it that all of this isn't connected to the glory of God right now?

how much more awesome will my story be when i say that i dedicated myself to His purpose and His will, and He, in turn, took care of everything else? i'm trying to seek after the grand testimonies of tomorrow as well, but where did the mindset of thinking boldly go? i can't persevere right now and my discipline is lacking, to say the least.

these changes and refinements that i have to go through, they won't be immediate. this purification takes such a long time. not only that, but i have to initiate it too. i wish that i could be more proactive instead of wanting to stay in my little hermit shell.

[lightthoseyears]

reflections.

i know i haven't posted in a while. i've definitely missed blogging.

first, some thoughts on my summer:

as i look back, i can truly tell that God really wanted me to stay this summer. i feel like i've grown in my eagerness and hunger to experience God on a more personal level. how much did God want me to stay here that He provided a paying internship in ann arbor? probably a lot. and while in the beginning, i may have thought it was more of a bargain with God because i promised Him that i'd go to !gnite and OCR, i'm sure that it was God's plan all along to keep me here this summer. His timing is truly impeccable, granting me an internship a week before i was due to leave for china. i've been so blessed by the relationships i was able to build with older and younger sisters. my summer lcg was always so affirming and it was encouraging to hear about how much she depended on God through her struggles. other older sisters challenged different aspects of my personal life and it has definitely led to growth. 

some thoughts about china:

i really love and miss my extended family in china. everytime i go, the floodgates open up for the tears to pour out. i don't doubt that family is enough to keep me in beijing in my long-term future but i pray that His will be lived out instead of my own. after !gnite, i felt like God was planting a mustard seed in my heart for china. i'm anxious to see where He will lead me in terms of the lost and the broken in china in the future.

some thoughts about this year and lg:

God is really going to stretch me; i can feel it already. first, my baptism. it may not seem like a big deal, but it's symbolic to me. it represents my parents' opposition, my full immersion as a daughter of God and as a christian, and it represents the long-lasting impact that God has had and will have on my life forever. it's a leap of faith to say that i will get baptized by the end of this school year but i know that God will make a way for this to happen. this will require much prayer.

second, my future; more specifically, my summer plans. i've been talking to a lot of people about missions but to be quiet honest, i really don't have a conviction. it's more of something that people are pushing onto me rather than me seriously considering it. i will pray on it for a while but i hope to see how God wants me to do it, instead of me interpreting it as the next step in my christian journey. when i think of giving up my summer to God, i'm open to missions but i'm also open to getting an internship. i don't need one for job stability, but i would really like the additional work experience for God to show me where my passions lie and how HE can use them for HIS GLORY. and on a related note, i kind of want to get away from ann arbor for the summer and grow my personal relationship with God. since i was saved, i'm constantly surrounded by a church community but how will my faith grow outside of ann arbor? i truly believe it's something that God wants for me in the future.

it's weird to look at life group and HMCC through the lens of an older sister. there's added perspective, for sure. the amount of prayer and effort that's put forth into our mini-community within the church is astounding. lg leaders are such amazing servants of God. only with God's strength and love wil serving not seem like a chore but a privilege. 

i can see the time constraints in this coming year already but that's really not my focus. God provides. He always does and my faith and strength in Him will get me through this year.

[lipinyourteeth-blog]

If you love someone, and claim to be in love with someone, and you want to be with them, why wouldn't you want to have a future with them? Why wouldn't you want to say "forever" to them? You used to say forever... What's wrong with planning a future? If you didn't think you'd stay with them, why continue to be with them? Why not look for a different future? It's already happening. I guess some people just.. change.