Submission - What can I do? Why does he do this?
*Time sensitive*
It’s ok if he moves on and is in a relationship but its not ok for me to do it?. I’m not saying I let him get involved in my life but my question is what can i do for him to stop/protect myself. (I actually don’t let him get involved. He finds out this info and I only tell a small amount of people, and then he has his “buddies” figure out who the guy I am seeing is).
He has been dating a girl for 2/3 years they also plan to get married. However when a man tries to enter my life or tries to date me he doesn’t like it and goes and messes it up. (By talking shit about me, by hitting or going up to a guy who shows interest in me)
If it also helps he has anger issues like very bad anger issues and in the past has hit my ex boyfriend. The reason why he hit my ex boyfriend was because he found out him and i were seeing each other, He went up to my ex and asked him “What’s between you and Tara” my boyfriend at that time replied “I love her” and he punched him for saying that, He also had my cousin spy on us. Also tried another time to beat up my boyfriend at that time by trying to take him somewhere far so he can beat him and my boyfriend got away.
I was also talking to his cousin once on facebook and we just had normal “Hey, How are you” conversations and I wake up one day and see that he has blocked me for no reason. I believe that reason was because of my ex.
I haven’t seen him in about 4 years? I recently just saw him this summer for the first time again. I’ve been off from social media for 4 years also. I’ve recently got onto social media and blocked him from everything and also blocked his number. He’s a family friend and he is much older than I am if that helps.
I also cannot get a restraining order, because this takes place in another country and it has different laws.
Advice please?
Okay first,
Is he currently living near to you? Is he within travelling distance? If not, then try to keep him blocked and do not interact with him at all, if possible. It’s not the best solution but it’s all we can do with someone who’s mostly virtual on the internet. Since he is a family friend, it’s important to let your family know about what’s going on. It’s important to let them know that this is how he behaves and you don’t care what his reason is. Leaving you alone is the solution. It would’ve helped to bring your ex along after what happened as witness to the problem, but talk to a family member your trust and see what they can do to help. They can possibly help you figure out different ways to avoid him when you do see each other at events.
If you see him, if he becomes violent towards you or anyone around you, contact the police. I believe in most countries there are charges for assault. So punching someone in the face is assault. If you know anyone that’s related to him that could possibly be spying on you, block them as well. Or confront them and tell them to keep out of your personal business. I know what I'm suggesting is very forward but in this situation you can’t afford to be a nice person. It’s not safe. Think of it as a typical mugging. If you’re out with a new partner and he shows up, when he starts to become violent, scream. If you’re out in public, making a scene will get people’s attention most of the time and it’ll prevent him from continuing.
Your ex’s behaviour seems obsessive and controlling. Think back on why you guys broke up and see if that was a pattern when you were together. Even if you broke up, he could still be holding onto you for that sense of power he has over you. It doesn’t necessary mean he love you or anything, but it is controlling behaviour and there is help for that. I would also confront your ex if possible. Try to talk to him and figure out what he wants from you. Tell him to stay away from your business. Reiterate that you are over. You’re not his girlfriend or his wife and it is up to you what you decide to do with your life or whom you decide to love. Standing your ground is so important when you’re dealing with a controlling person. If you continue to be passive, it’ll enable him to continue this behaviour.
Since you haven’t mentioned that the violence was a recurring behaviour, I assume it’s a one off. But if he is violent towards you or make threats about your safety, I would screenshot the conversation if you have it online as evidence. If there’s a chance you might see him, try to not travel alone. Contact the local police. Even if you can’t file for a restraining order, they can direct you to a place that can help. They can provide you the resources to be safe.
Last but not least, let all your partners know about this as long as it’s an issue. They need to know so they can protect themselves. Most decent people don’t go out trying to pick fights with others. So if you let them know that this is an issue and you do decide to continue with the relationship, they can be prepared for when your ex does confront them and fight back or they can help you find a way to get out of his grasp.
I hope this helps a little!
Always by your side,
Kelly