What Will I Do If I Text FirstName LastName to Tell Him I Love Him and He Tells Me He Doesn't Feel the Same?
I'll know. I'll tell him I can't be his friend because I like him too much, and I'll leave the door open in case he ever wants to reach out again and changes his mind.
I'll work on loving myself. I'll write down a list of things I love about myself before I even text him: right after I finish this write-up. I'll make it a pros and cons list, but for me this time. And even if there are more cons than pros, I'll forgive myself for it because I'm going through a time when I'm mostly feeling bad about myself. I'll assure myself that there are probably more pros than I'm putting down, and probably more cons as well.
Then, I'll make an action plan. All of my cons I'll put in order of priority, and I'll come up with ways to fix them. I'll work with Therapist a lot on that.
The whole time, I'll stay in touch with the people who do love me and care about me. I'll talk to BestFriend every day like I always do, and I'll see if I can call and FaceTime her more. I'll call my parents pretty often. I'll talk to CollegeFriend at least twice a month. I'll try to get more in touch with BestFriend'sSister. Maybe I'll reach out to BestFriend'sFriend; she seems really cool. I'll see if I can become actually friends with WorkFriend from work. BestFriend'sSister is having a confrontation with her friend/ex BestFriend'sSister'sEx right now, and I can be there for her during that. I'll hang out with Cousin more often.
I'll get really into my job. I'll be there for my clients, and it will make me feel good about myself. I'll try to project a little less onto ClientWhoHasTheSameDiagnosesAsMe, but I'll see if I can develop a good relationship with her and with my other clients. I'll try not to project too much onto my client ClientWhoHasTheSameFirstNameAsFirstNameLastName as well. I'll make work friends and see if they can become actual friends. I'll read stuff on social work; I'll renew my City Public Library card and go there all the time, probably to the NeighborhoodCloseToWhereILive branch. I might try to start reading again in general.
On the bad days, I'll put on a nice outfit. I won't stay in my house; I'll go to work, go to the library, go grocery shopping, go to a bar, go to a drag show, go clubbing, go to a friend's house, go somewhere random on the train, go to a cafe, go to a thrift store, go to a random event from EventBrite, go to some kind of class (maybe a music class if I can find one), go on a walk in the woods in NeighborhoodILiveIn or NeighborhoodIDon'tLiveIn, and/or go get a banh mi in NeighborhoodNotCloseToWhereILive. I'll put on a smile no matter what; no more songs about him, no more sitting around feeling sorry for myself.
I'll be a great roommate no matter what. I'll have parties with Roommate1 and Roommate2 and their friends, and I'll expand my social circle in City. I'll do my chores and celebrate their birthdays and buy the house things and put them on Splitwise. I'll get a friendly cat (even if it's not CatIFoundOnPetfinder) and clean their litter box every single day. I'll feed them raw cat food (or at least wet food with no carageenan) off of a plate to avoid whisker stress. I'll lavish them with cuddles and they might sleep on my bed and night, but if that's not how they decide to show me love, I'll be OK with that. I'll hang up my poisonous plants so my cat can't eat them.
Maybe someday I'll find someone else. I won't rush myself to feel better or get over him. I'll work with Therapist to figure out what that really feels like, and I might not know it until a little bit after I feel it, and that's OK because I've always struggled with that.
I'll do random other things to make myself feel better. When I move into my new apartment, I'll start using mouthwash every night. I'll but grapes quite often, and I'll get a designated grape container to bring them in my lunch at least four days a week. I'll pay off my credit card bill. I'll get a gym membership when I move (and cancel my subscription at the CityIUsedToLiveIn YMCA), and I'll do yoga whenever they have a beginner class and cardio on Mondays at 7pm, and I'll get better at it. I'll get more into spirituality. I'll meditate on weekends for at least 15 minutes. I'll check out the St. Anthony Shrine downtown on September 14th, and if I like it, maybe I'll go light a candle or something whenever I feel like it. I'll buy new bras that actually look good and wear cute underwear most of the time. I'll develop a more intense skincare routine. I'll keep my hair pink, at least until I get sick of it. I'll bake cookies sometimes and give them out to my coworkers and my neighbors.
I'll forgive, and maybe someday, I'll forget. I won't make my happiness contingent on forgetting, though, because I have all these other things to do that will make me happy. I'll know, and I'll figure it out, and I'll move past it. I'll love myself more than any man, even FirstName LastName.
