Does Anybody Hear Her?

Hey, I'm Rivka. I am 33 years old. Modern Orthodox Jew and proud of it. Graduated with my Master's Degree in Childhood Education. 1st Grade Teacher and loving it. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in March of 2010 and this blog has been up and running since May 2011. I'm currently on a wild journey with my overall health and wellness, both physically and emotionally. Come along for the ride.

[borderlineteacher]

This just in:

My therapist does not, in fact, hate me.

[borderlineteacher]

How does one say “I want to crumble into myself and isolate until nothing is left…but like I’m fine so let’s go get coffee” without sounding a bit concerning?

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lol so what if I relapse today

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El oh fucking el.

[borderlineteacher]

How does one say “I want to crumble into myself and isolate until nothing is left…but like I’m fine so let’s go get coffee” without sounding a bit concerning?

[borderlineteacher]

lol so what if I relapse today

[borderlineteacher]

How does one say “I want to crumble into myself and isolate until nothing is left…but like I’m fine so let’s go get coffee” without sounding a bit concerning?

[borderlineteacher]

God I’m terrified for Wednesday.

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I haven’t had a day like today in months.

Both my mind and body can’t take this.

I’m going backwards.

[borderlineteacher]

Happy 33rd birthday to me 🎉

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What a weird day.

I didn’t wake up until like 11:30am, went to Trader Joe’s, came home and watched tv/slept on and off until 4:30ish. I ate dinner at like 5:45 which was honestly way too much food for me. Now it’s 6:40 and I wanna go back to sleep.

Maybe I will.

Hmmm.

[borderlineteacher]

Ha…haha…HA.

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Fired.

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This was 6 months ago.

A lot can happen in 6 months.

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Where’d you just go Rivka?

Please try to stay with me here.

Look at me.

I’m with you.

I see you.

I hear you.

You don’t have to suffer alone.

-my therapist

[borderlineteacher]

I’ve officially lost 20 lbs 😊

[borderlineteacher]

It’s all fun and games until your body has some kind of terrifying trauma response in therapy and you start shaking uncontrollably and completely shut down. And what’s worse is that it’s a virtual session and your therapist can only do so much to help ground you through a computer screen.

She’s a gem. And that was scary as all hell.

[borderlineteacher]

Okay so I’m moving into my own apartment tomorrow. Not an apartment with roommates. My OWN.

Damn son.

[borderlineteacher]

Your girl is an independent woman.

[borderlineteacher]

Okay so I’m moving into my own apartment tomorrow. Not an apartment with roommates. My OWN.

Damn son.

[borderlineteacher]

lol when you do something so stupid and impulsive just to feel pretty and liked.

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What does ACT look like for you in therapy? Is it structured similar to the way DBT is. I ask because my therapist is trained in it and uses it but really its just the views and ideas that influence our conversation in sessions, not like a structured approach

It’s actually pretty hard to describe. Ive just come out of almost 2 years of super structured intensive DBT treatment and ACT is very different. On Wednesday my therapist was saying how DBT was to get me to a more stable place to then be able to actually face my demons and fears while using DBT skills at the same time to manage my strong emotions.

It’s not as structured, but she picks up on EVERYTHING. Even tiny things, like the way I change my body language or the words I’m using. I know a lot of the lingo she uses is very ACT coded but she makes it so personal to my experience. She makes me actually sit with the hard emotions, not teach me the quickest way to get out of it.

Again, hard to explain. But I feel like with this, I can actually do the work. Mostly I don’t want to, because it’s too difficult and painful. At the same time, I’m willing to try to sit with it all in order to achieve the life I want to live.

[borderlineteacher]

Know your freaking worth.