Let yourself love
An essay about love.
Recently, I learned one of the most valuable lessons about love. I fell in love with someone I never would have expected to. He was so far from the type of person I'd have liked to have fallen in love with. He wasn't older than me, he wasn't physically ‘my type’ (before I fell in love with him, that is), he didn't have a stable source of income (or a lot of it), I didn't like the way he dressed, he wasn't exactly romantic or thoughtful. But I loved him anyway. It just happened, and I'm glad it did. Even though as we would say, nothing happened or came from that love we shared for a short amount of time (we didn't end up in a relationship), I got something arguably more valuable out of it: experience, a lesson, a revelation. And I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with him anyway, for not every lover should be a relationship. We have lovers for different purposes. This one was a revelation. And that in and of itself could lead to a future relationship with a person better suited for me and my needs.
Right after that situation with him, I read the quote “If you have a reason to love someone, you don't love them.” These factors combined made me think. I changed my perspective on love as I knew it, and it worked as inspiration to write this essay.
What even is love?
Love isn't always soft, or loving. Sometimes it's harsh, uncomfortable, sad, unclear, and unfair. Just because a relationship ‘failed’ (as some people might say), doesn't mean it wasn't love. It means that it simply wasn't meant to last forever. Love doesn't have to last to be ‘real’. Most of the time it doesn't. Because that's not what the purpose of love is. There isn't one defined purpose either. There are many, and that's what makes it so hard to determine what was or wasn't love. And the thing is, we don't have to.
We shouldn't try to define love. There is no one size fits all. Love is like an amorphous cloud–different to everyone; different from different perspectives. There are also so many different types of love. Love is an action, but also a feeling, but also an experience. Love is basically everything. We all have our own experiences that lead to different beliefs, opinions, and perspectives on it. It can also be anything you want it to be.
The purpose of love in your life
We all look at love differently. It's so important to ask ourselves what purpose love serves in our life. Why do we love? Do we love for the feeling we get from it, or do we love to be loved, or do we love to learn about love and ourselves and the human condition, or do we love to show love to others, or do we love simply because we love love and trust our heart? There are infinite reasons for why one might love. For we all have different experiences and perspectives caused by them. Some reasons may seem less pure than others and may lead us to the realisation that we don't want love at all, instead we want something out of love.
Love serves such a different purpose and role in all of our lives. There are simply no facts when it comes to love. Love is something so much more than that. There are just beliefs that come from experiences. All of our experiences are different. And we are all such different and complex beings that even if all of us had the exact same experience, it still wouldn't be the same experience, for we all see life so differently. And for this reason, other people's opinions and perspectives on love shouldn't matter to us. We shouldn't listen to other people when it comes to love. We should trust our own hearts instead. For it is our heart that knows best.
I look at love as an experience, a possibility. A way to feel excitement and purpose, to express myself, to learn about myself, to learn about other people, to gain inspiration, to have fun, to simply love. And that's the perspective I wrote this essay from. If you don't agree, it's totally fine. You don't have to. I think we should never take anything someone else says (on matters like love) as a fact. We should always ask ourselves if we actually agree or do we just take every opinion as a fact, as a rule, instead of reflecting on our own experiences and opinions.
Let yourself love
“Loving someone is never a waste.”
We come here to learn about love, so let yourself. Let yourself fall in love. Let go of that fear of being hurt. Don't ever avoid loving for a life of avoidance is a life of regret. Look at love as experience, as lessons, as inspiration. Don't ever regret loving. There is no such thing as wasted love. Let your heart guide you. Trust it.
Love is one of the most important parts of life. It's so valuable that without it, we simply wouldn't exist. Love is so wonderful. So human. So different. So undefinable. So mysterious. So alluring. So exciting. But it can also be disappointing. That's when expectations come in.
Rules and expectations in love
There shouldn't be rules to love. We shouldn't have a checklist of expectations that a person must possess in order for us to allow ourselves (or even force ourselves) to love them. Love is more valuable than any traits on a list. We should let ourselves be immersed in love. We should let ourselves love and be loved.
We can have types, ideals, but we shouldn't expect them. Expectations are what ruin love. I suppose the best fitting word for these expectations would be unrealistic, but I don't like this word, since I honestly believe everything is possible. The point is, we might be denying ourselves the best experience of our life simply because he isn't six foot or because she isn't blonde. And I don't only mean the superficial expectations, I also mean the ‘valid’ ones like thoughtful, or romantic, or even kind. Loving different kinds of people means different experiences and lessons.
Yes, we might get hurt, but the truth is that love hurts sometimes. There is no avoiding that. Love comes with positives and negatives. That's just something we have to learn to accept. Love isn't perfect. No relationship is perfect. And that's the beauty of it.
We can have expectations when it comes to a relationship, of course. That is a whole different thing. But as I said before, not every lover is supposed to be a relationship.
In summary:
Expectations in love=bad
Expectations in relationship=good
We should just love. Not set rules or expectations; not set a definition for what it is and isn't; not avoid it. Just trust our hearts and see where that leads us. The purpose of love is not a relationship, it's experience, widening of perspective, even inspiration. If the lover turns out not to be a suitable partner, that's okay because you still gained something out of it.