Happy birthday, I hope you're doing well. I miss talking to you. I wish I could tell you all the things I've been doing. I wish I could do even one more crossword with you. I wish I could've been what you wanted. I wish you would've stayed. I wish I could still fuck you. I wish we could be casual but I think we both know we never could be. I'm still in love with you. Not that it really matters. I do so many things just to feel close to you even now. In some ways it feels the same as when we were together. Me here so far away from you, wishing, hoping beyond hope that I could end up with my skin pressed against yours but knowing it would never be. I think about just calling you sometimes. Not even to get back together just to talk. Tell you about dming my first time. Tell you about rereading IT just cause the movies sucked so bad and how many horror books I've read since you left. I wonder if you read Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke. I wonder if that's true. I hope not. I genuinely hope you're well. I hope none of the terrible things you were afraid of have come to pass. I hope you found a job. I hope you grew a bit more of a spine and learned to say no when it mattered. I hope you didn't have to move home. I hope your depression is better. It's been a bit on both sides for me. Some things I was scared of didn't even matter and some have happened. We're still planning to leave this hell hole but now I don't know when. I bet you could've talked me through my worries and made me feel better. Even if you just distracted me that would've worked too. Remember that night when you just played Persona 3 for three hours on video call because I was sad and scared and couldn't stand the sound of my own voice. I saw that you were online on telegram on my birthday. Did you think of texting me? Why didn't you? Did you think I would be angry for what happened between us? I know you worry but this time your worries were wrong. I don't regret a second of us except maybe the part where I don't get to hear your voice anymore. Remember that night right after we started dating when we stayed up til 5am reading Mr. Boop comics and telling stupid jokes? Just delighted to be together and hearing each other laugh? I remember. I probably will for a long time. I wish I could show you my dice. I wish I could tell you all my plans for my campaigns and how im torturing my PCs. God I wish I knew how your campaign ended. I know how much you loved it and how much work you put into it. More than anything I just wish I could've kept you. You really are incredible. Not a day goes by that there isn't something I wish I could tell you. I got so in the habit of saving up all the exciting details of my day just to tell you. I miss that. That long phone call at the end of the day that was just mine. Where I could just sit and be next to you. But yeah. I hope you're well. I hope life is treating you kindly. I miss you. I hope you're okay.
