#blurry vesselsystem

[vesselsystem]

Was literally minutes away from driving to a dispensary for a pre roll so thats fine

[vesselsystem]

Written last night when the host wasn't present. Im still not the only person present but I dont agree with a lot of what was said here. I think its still worth allowing them to express how they were feeling even if its not very palatable or kind. Putting a cut before the actual content so you can opt out if youd like. If youre our fiance reading this, read with the absolute upmost caution or don't read at all.

Im back in the fucking building again.

Crashed out on my fiance over something so fucking minor. My anger feels like a constant nowadays. I feel myself getting so worked up over such stupid shit, then I apologize, and then hate myself for the rest of the night. And while im hating myself he thinks im still angry so he backs way the fuck off anyway. Basically anything other than masking or genuine contendedness seems to appear to others as anger. It must suck to be someone this close to me. Im so fucking inconsistent. This morning I made him a coffee and filled his water and wanted to fuck him before I sat down to watch the game (chickened out anyway so I guess that doesnt count). This afternoon I yelled at him and blamed him for shit that fully was not his fault and wasn't even able to regulate myself enough to apologize properly.

I really do wonder how he sees me. Kind and soft and paternal one minute and angry petulant traumatized child the next. That must be so fucking hard for him. No wonder I almost never get any kind of emotional vulnerability from him. I wouldnt stay with me if the roles were reversed. I wouldnt have half the patience he shows me. I wonder if its pity at this point. Ive certainly driven the point home often enough that I would be fully unhoused and unable to provide for myself without him. Pity or guilt or obligation. Im the fucking millstone around his neck. Constantly trying to claw my way into usefulness enough to be kept with my meager skillset.

I talk about how he wouldnt have any groceries or any clean laundry without me to reassure myself over and over again but I know thats a lie. He lived a whole life before me and he would continue to after me. If anything his life would be better, easier, without having to pay my debts, and bills, and buying my food.

I dont like the person I am but only after the fact. When I feel those feelings its like they are the only thing that exists. I look back afterward and cant connect with my anger. I cant feel that way again even if I can logically remember what happened. I think the feeling has passed and then the next day it comes again like a wave. Starting as a small annoyance and building until I snap over something so fucking minor.

Realistically I know its a build up of a ton of smaller things. Dysphoria, and pretty much constant pain from one thing or another these days. Inability to regulate myself using my hobbies or sex because of said pain. Its impossible to focus and get anything done until the carnival tickets magically appear in my hand. Everything is on hold, waiting for one thing or another to actually move. Im stuck in fucking purgatory so lowering myself into hell at times seems favorable.

[vesselsystem]

Religious trauma and OCD go brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[vesselsystem]

Now we're doing inexplicable crying in the car? Like okay diva whatever works I guess?

[vesselsystem]

The fact that my PTSD symptoms are getting worse as I process makes me so fucking angry. And I know they will probably continue to get worse as I process more. I'm just so scared and angry all the time. It feels like every fucking thing triggers me. I can't avoid everything. I feel like I cant even enjoy the things I love anymore. I cant scroll social media. I cant learn about my religion. I can't enjoy horror like I used to. When im with my partners im annoyed and want to be alone, when im alone im terrified and wish I was with them. I fucking hate being this way. I hate that this is happening because of something that was done to me not because of something I chose. I hate that I was indoctrinated so effectively that im still dealing with the ramifications 13 YEARS after leaving. Fuck you fuck you fuck you I hate this I want it to be over already.