Discover Top Posts Tagged with #cover article

THE BEST TOURIST ATTRACTIONS IN THE GARLEAN EMPIRE!

Traveling through the territories of our Empire Most Wondrous And Mighty can be a real slog. Beating respect out of surly locals, trying to stomach the cuisine of half-civilized simpletons, dealing with the boredom that comes when you’re too far away from true civilization to have proper climate control... what’s an honest cen to do?

INTRODUCING THE GARLEAN TOURISM BOARD’S SOLUTIONS TO ALL YOUR TRAVELING PROBLEMS!

An incentive started by our founder, the genius Glorio fan Curio, the Garlean Tourism Board is an initiative to promote happiness and welfare among all of value* within Our Majestic And Wondrous Home.

*defined, of course, as any valued bas or citizen of higher rank.

The Garlean Tourism Board is here to solve all a weary traveler’s needs, and will make absolute certain your next vacation is one to remember. Remember, citizen: as a valued part of Our Most Beautiful And Mighty Of Homelands, you deserve nothing less than the very best*!

*The Garlean Tourism Board is currently testing operations within the territories of Ala Mhigo and Doma, in an attempt to get feedback from a variety of locales. Fill out the attached survey and win a free coupon card for participating retailers!

Monzen is a wonderful place within the Garlean territory of Doma. It’s steeped in rich history and stands as a monument to the fact the hilarious “civilization” of Doma genuinely needs the supervision of Our Glorious Empire to survive. Long before we liberated them from their incompetent leaders, Monzen was home to their nobility. But one of them got drunk at night and set fire to the whole place, and started the turmoil that led to our occupation in the first place.

Stay in the ruins as part of our Ghost Trainway Package. Snap a picture with a ghost and the next visit’s free!

Ala Mhigans aren’t citizens, and to pull back the curtain let’s all acknowledge that anyone who isn’t a citizen of Our Glorious Empire is basically not a person. Only by earning your place in the storied ranks of Garlemald can you prove yourself worthy of Our Favor, and therefore anyone too lazy to have done so is best used for unskilled labor and comedy. Come see the people who once prided themselves on their silly local myths about unarmed fighters being superior to those with guns and swords (and gunswords). We even have a punch-a-local booth set up where you can show them how a real citizen punches! Don’t worry, we pay them what they deserve for this honest labor.

And hey, if you hurt one too bad, don’t worry. They cut stone for a living and who needs stone anymore? Remember: if your city isn’t metal, it isn’t worth saving!

During the brief and misguided insurrection in which several of the untamed and uneducated savages of Ala Mhigo tried to stop Our Glorious Empire from granting them freedom from the misery of their previous insane king, out of a misguided belief their culture is in some way superior to that of Our Glorious Empire, at one point the blind fools managed to attempt to weaponize some of their “herbalism” (what passes for science amongst these primitive societies) and accidentally made a deadly gas which wiped out their entire village.

Can you find all ten hidden skulls? If you snap a picture of them all with our Coronation Commemoration Camera, you’ll get your very own souvenir canister of weaponized gas*!

*gas is inert.

Within the Imperial Territory of Ala Mhigo which we are still fighting so hard to properly civilize, there are still locations we have preserved so that they match the original quality of the ‘homes’ the savages used to live in. Come stay a night (under heavily-armed protection, of course) in one such house. Some minor, barebones adjustments were required so the dilapidated wooden structure is fit for occupation - including top-of-the-line electric kettles, indoor plumbing and air conditioning.

Just imagine how those unenlightened simpletons once lived!

If you’re able to last the whole night without giving up and going home, please be sure to stop by the nearest Castrum to get your commemorative keychain!

As the Ala Mhigan savages seemed so intent on clinging to the vestiges of a silly society which valued violence and military strength above all else, it was necessary to show them with military action and power that their quaint notion of a “god” was really just a giant statue, and that idols are pointless when Our Esteemed And Illustrious Emperor Himself yet walks the land. In sinking many such hilarious excuses for architecture into the Lochs, salty with the tears of a hundred thousand futile insurgents, we sure showed them!

Use our state-of-the-art diving gear to explore the sunken ruins! Feel free to carve your name into anything you like down there. It’s a romantic gesture to last the ages, or at least the next ten years until the extremely corrosive water successfully erodes away all trace of those hilarious statues.

Kagome Voulaizunlezotre denies receiving a check for a hundred thousand gil from the Garlean Empire Tourism Board in exchange for posting this unsolicited, unbiased brochure report on Garlean-held territories.

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#Final Fantasy XIV #FFXIV #stormblood #stormblood spoilers #ala mhigo #doma #garlemald #cw: violence #cw: oppression #Ask us about our linkshell #Cover article

PROPHECY OF THE ORACLE OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP SUCKING AND GET GOOD.

A young girl known only as The Oracle, the famed Hingan prodigy of geomancy and world traveler, recently published her memoirs recounting a life in which, among many other things, she spent years adventuring for fun and profit.

These new memoirs highlight her secret techniques to survive in spite of the general incompetence of most healers, and she has stated she is specifically attempting to “sink those Gridanian fucks” and “show THEM not to attack the enemy.”

The following is an excerpt of her famous “G.I.T. G.U.D.” method of survival, provided to The Crucible free of charge.

GEAR UP!

Kids these days think they can waltz into battle in their hempen whatsits and their cotton nonsense. Stop with that. You’re an idiot. I’ve forgotten more about fashion than you’ll ever learn. You gotta go into a fight with your best foot forward, and that starts with making sure that foot is firmly in a fashionable boot. You screw that up you may as well slit your own throat and save the baddies the trouble, you dumbass.

INSURANCE! (MEDICAL)

Let’s all be honest with ourselves: you can’t trust those conjurers to do anything. You can’t trust them to lift their stick properly, let alone smack the enemy with it, and you certainly can’t rely on them to heal you. While they’re over there talking about how the forest needs balance or some other crap, you’re bleeding on the ground lamenting your HMO bills. Spring for the GOOD coverage! Pay so much for the insurance they’re forced to send a medical team with you everywhere you go, at all times! You can’t rely on conjurers, but you CAN rely on capitalism!

TERRORIZE YOUR ENEMY

It’s simple fact: If the enemy’s too scared to attack you, paralyzed with fear at the mere sight of you, then they won’t attack you. If they don’t attack you, they can’t hurt you, and YOU can’t be hurt if you don’t screw up! And if you’re prone to screwing up, you’ll never G.I.T. G.U.D. anyway. Do whatever it takes to scare them - yell, make yourself look bigger, fling spells haphazardly in every direction, maybe make your eyes glow and hurl a big axe around. Whatever it takes, you just gotta scare the enemy.

GRAB AN ‘ALLY’ AS A SHIELD

This one’s really easy, especially if you have a conjurer or a so-called “White Mage” with you. This is much more effective if they’re a bigger race - elezen or roegadyn are ideal, but highlanders can substitute in a pinch. All you have to do is stand behind them, and, if an attack is headed, your way, grab the idiot from behind and pull them into the attack. Finally those forest-loving assholes are good for something!

UNDER, NOT ABOVE!

So many children look to the heavens, their eyes cast skyward. Idiots, all of them. Nobody cares about what’s upwards, dumbass, it’s what’s below you that counts. You’ll never get attacked by something above you that isn’t also on the ground, but you’ll definitely be attacked by the one thing everyone is weak to: the terrain!

Tripping on roots, bones, the corpses of fallen conjurers or other such incredibly common debris is sure to twist an ankle and spell your doom. Always be mindful of your footing - ESPECIALLY near cliffs. Incidentally, if you ever need to put down a Gridanian, they’re really really susceptible to getting shoved off cliffsides. Idiots don’t know the first thing about situational awareness.

DODGE, YOU IMBECILE!

When the enemy attacks, all the other steps are irrelevant if you can do the most fundamental, simple task ever. One of the first things you children learned to do is stand up, put one foot in front of the other and walk ahead. You’ve been moving around since the moment you writhed out of your mother’s womb, and yet so many of you are so embarrassingly bad at it!

Listen. It’s not that hard. It’s really simple, in fact: all you have to do is NOT be where the enemy attack is. All the fire breath, all the spells and guns and stones and hurtful words in the world can do nothing to you if they can’t hit you, and they can’t hit you if you’re nowhere near the attack. There are many ways to dodge - not being where the enemy’s attack is when they attack, being where the enemy’s attack isn’t, using a conjurer to draw the enemy’s attention so you can laugh as they die and you murder the fell beast and take the credit and rewards you so richly deserve - but all of them are equally valid if you don’t end up taking the hit.

But then, what are the odds you can do that? If you can’t G.I.T. G.U.D. then there’s no saving you anyway, and you’ll be just another body on the pyre.

Edel Geraldine published the list he got in the mail because everyone else was so busy fighting he couldn’t get a straight answer as to whether or not it should go live. It seemed good advice to him.

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#git gud #ffxiv #advice #list #final fantasy xiv #Lists #Cover article #Ask us about our linkshell

THE DEATH OF A LEGEND: A TRIBUTE TO ZENA “THE RED” VALERIA

Professional hunters are a boon to our society - they prevent the notorious beasts that wander the realm of Eorzea from simply plowing through towns on a whim and decimating all in their path. Being from Othard, this reporter was unfamiliar with the danger lurking around every corner in Eorzea until I found myself neck deep in it. From enormous sea serpents that can swallow ships whole to giants so tall that they block out the sun, Eorzea is a truly terrifying place to live, and it's all thanks to hunters that life here goes on. Well, for most of us anyway, as we regret to inform you, dear readers, that the legendary monster hunter Zena Valeria has died.

“Who is Zena?”, you might ask. Well, for the uninformed, she was more commonly known as “Zena the Red”, a supreme hunter who was said to have felled Ifrit in a single blow. Rumors say that she began her career as “Zena the White”, but the blood of her enemies stained her armor so deeply that it could not be washed out, thus she embraced her fate and became The Red and a legend was born. She has taken out monsters that could only exist in the nightmares of regular people such as you and I, but in the end what did her in was a common cactuar.

On that fateful day, Ul'Dah was in a state of emergency as the dread cyclops Brontes had emerged from hiding, eager to feast on the flesh of man and fine cuisine. The beast was so enormous that a single swing of his club would cause gusts so powerful that they could topple trees from malms away. Countless brass blades gave their lives in order to stall for time while the hunters and the immortal flames were called to the scene.

Reports say that after holding the beast at a stalemate for hours, the flame general Rabuahn Aldynn stepped in to settle the score himself. Brontes proceeded to pick up the flame general and a few flames unfortunate to be close by and juggled them, showing off using a trick it picked up from its time in the circus. It ate the pudgiest of the men, dropped another to the ground, and swung the flame general by his remaining arm and flung him over the horizon. Just as all hope seemed to be lost, Zena the Red appeared on the scene, and after finishing a sandwich she had brought to taunt the beast, she charged the fiend and ran it through with nothing but her fists. A torrent of rain and blood poured from the sky, but all those present to witness the scene were too baffled to even react. Zena had saved the city and slain the beast that had taken so many lives and made it look effortless.

High off of her own success, Zena began to make her way home when she spotted a sleeping cactuar in her path. She kicked the thing to move it and continue on her way, but startled and hurt, the cactuar shot all of it's needles at Zena, striking a nerve in her upper neck, rendering her unable to move or even breathe. And so she died on the side of the road, drowning on dry land unable to call for help, a surprising and tragic end for such a mighty soul.

The Crucible reached out to those who knew Zena best in an effort to understand the woman better, to know what made her a hero and why she would risk her life so selflessly day after day for us all. One Aoife Mahsa, owner and proprietor of the Spookeasy tavern in the Lavender Beds and known treebeast was so stricken with grief that she didn't know how to cope. Upon hearing the news she looked over her shoulder and said “Ah! Zena! Did you know you're dead?”, as if the woman were standing behind her - she refused to accept it! We were able to calm her down with time and began to chat about Zena, to honor her memory, when Mahsa made a startling confession, “...she stole a book from a giant owl. About gay dragons.” Perhaps it was another notorious monster that loved books, or perhaps Zena had a habit of thieving literature of questionable taste. While I acknowledge the possibility I dare not speak ill of the dead. Particularly dead which, if risen, would be able to kill me with little more than a glance.

One of Zena's housemates, Yun Khatayin, took in the news with bittersweet stride. While grateful that ownership of their home would now be transferred to her, she knew exactly why things turned out the way they did. “Zena always had an obsession with cactuars. Her people eat them like cucumbers. This is a revenge killing.” This information shed new light on the tragedy; Zena was likely fed up with her people's tradition of vegetarianism and took it out on the first cactuar she saw. Khatayin also informed me that Zena was not universally beloved, as she told me of Zena Valeria's greatest foe, one Sylvan Rain.

We found Sylvan Rain meditating under a waterfall in upper La Noscea and waited for her to notice us, which took approximately an hour and a half. When she finally did notice us an aura of hostility permeated the very air. We were very gracious in asking for an interview and as such she gave us the answers we were looking for. We told her of the disappointing circumstances surrounding Zena's demise, and to our surprise her response was as follows: “The only thing that is disappointing is that we did not to get to have our own grand battle.” Rain regretted that she was not the one to take the life of the hero Zena, and what a terrifying fight it would have been. This reporter's colleague stepped out of line after the response we got and was swiftly knocked unconscious with no effort on Rain's part. I ran after that.

All in all, Eorzea lost a daughter, Thanalan lost a protector, and the realm is rightly in mourning. But as we saw from the fact that a common cactuar took down a woman who was a god among men, even the most timid, unnasuming creature can take down anyone if provoked.

Written by timid, unassuming staffer Yomiko Kusanagi.

Feat: @zenathered @foewreckem @korpokkur-kid & @sylvan-rain

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#zena valeria #yomiko kusanagi #ff14 #ffxiv #aoife mahsa #sylvan rain #yun khatayin #in-character publication #final fantasy xiv #Cover article #long post

Kid Cudi Calls Jaden Smith, "The Chosen One" In New Interview With VMAN Magazine

Kid Cudi Calls Jaden Smith, “The Chosen One” In New Interview With VMAN Magazine

It is no secret that Rappers Kid Cudi and Jaden Smith has always shown love and respect towards each other when it comes down to fashion, music, and art. Recently, the MSFTREP founder landed on the cover of VMan’s The New Vanguard Issue and sat down for an exclusive interview with “Big Bro” Cudi to talk about common accomplishments, environmental concerns, and possibly working on music together.

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